To ask you to tell me some GOOD things about having/being an only child

[lostmyfeckingkeysagain]

We have a 4yo DD who was conceived the first month of trying but have been TTC baby no 2 for almost 2 years now.
I just got my period this morning having convinced myself I was experiencing all kinds of pregnancy symptoms for the last few days

DD loves babies and has started asking brother or sister (although she's generally a very happy child) so I feel guilty that I may not be able to give her one but I need to prepare myself for the possibility that baby no.2 may not happen for us and she may be an only child.

DH and I are constantly being asked "when are you having another??" as though I can just click my fingers and make a baby appear! When I say "we'll see" or "we're not sure yet" etc (because I don't want to go into the whole sorry saga of my possible secondary infertility), we invariably get told that "DD needs a brother or sister!" , "Surely you don't want her to be an only child!" or worst of all "an only child is a lonely child".

We are very lucky in lots of ways and the three of us have a lovely life together. I would like to just appreciate what we have and not worry so much about it all but I am finding that all the negative stuff people say about only children is making the situation much more difficult for me to handle.

So, please MN, can we have a thread with positive things about being an only child or having an only child??
Also any advice as to how to deal with the aforementioned comments would be appreciated, bearing in mind there are some situations where "fuck off" isn't an option!

Thank you.

I have an only child,and I had to put up with the sort of comments that you've had OP,until my DD was 9. I never really intended to have only one,but our living circumstances and money issues dictated that one was only feasible until my DD was about 8,by which time,my marriage was going down the plug hole. Then when she was 9,I became seriously ill,which left me with life-long disabilities. When DD was 10,my marriage broke down,and although I've been in a couple of relationships since,I have had to make it clear that having a child wasn't an option for me,as pregnancy and looking after a small baby would be very difficult,if not impossible for me. That's if it was even advisable to become pregnant in the first place,as I was taking so many strong medications for years,it probably wouldn't have been a good idea. I DO feel guilty occasionally for not giving DD any siblings,as my focus is all on her,and she is the one I look to when I need help with things. But she is brilliant,has never complained once,says that she has never resented being an only child,and has never felt that she has missed out not having any brothers or sisters. I think the fact that she has witnessed both me and her DH's relationships with our respective siblings turn sour for various reasons,to the point where neither of us has any contact with them now,has rather confirmed that having siblings is not always as wonderful as a lot of people make out.

My best friend is an only (we are both in our 50s). She is the person I wish I could be - kind, generous, a great friend, full of integrity and humanity. She was the late child of two lovely parents.

I am an only and I have an only. When people tell me that its not fair my DD is an only, I just tell them I am and I've turned out ok. That seems to stop them in their tracks as they can't say much more without directly offending me!

I’m an only child and our DS will also be an only as I consider myself too old to have another child now.

I can count on one hand the number of people who have ever said to me things like ‘you must get everything you want’ or ‘you must be so spoilt’ etc. As some have said, there are plenty of benefits to being an only child, and of course the downsides are there too but it ultimately depends on what’s important to you.

As for people questioning you constantly- bizarre. Again, only about half a dozen people have asked if we’re having another one and certainly have never commented on the ‘sin’ of stopping at one child.

If their comments bother you practise some responses to put the onus back on them to justify their questions ie why do you want to know? Did you mean to be so rude? Or to be a bit more blunt - what business is it if yours?

Hi OP,

Haven't RTFT because inevitably when someone posts asking for positives you inevitably get a whole host of negative comments too.

Try reading this www.amazon.co.uk/One-Only-Freedom-Having-Child/dp/1451626967?tag=mumsnetforum-21
Contains a lot of research debunking many of the myths and also suggesting a number of advantages.

For me the big advantage to having an only is that you can go for activities/days out which you child really enjoys without having to compromise because sibling is too young / would have to wait around etc.

If you have a positive attitude then I'm sure you dd will grow up perfectly happy.

Only read the OP but it put me in mind of this article I read last night. FWIW I am an only, and never felt the need or desire for a sibling, and DS is about to turn 3 and I’m not sure we will have another. There are lots of advantages to only having one - not having to disrupt the dynamic you’ve built for your family, more disposable money, more attention for your child. The important thing is to socialise them outside the home so they still interact with other children W regularly and learn to share attention/toys etc (DS goes to nursery as we both work).

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jan/13/the-question-we-came-to-dread-are-you-going-for-a-second-child?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

I usually just answer, we can’t have another and it’s heartbreaking then just look at them for slightly too long. Positives are we have much more money to do things and give DS experiences and where needed help. It’s strange but I’ve noticed when you go to really nice places, half the families are probably ones with only children, most others have 3. Cane to the conclusion the 3 children families were rich and onlies had more opportunity as only had to pay for one. He has an amazing understanding of the world at a very young age.When my DS needed speech therapy, it was affordable cos we weren’t shelling out for a siblings nursery fees. Both parents could be there to enable us to help as much as possible. If he goes on a sleepover we have a child free night. Both in and out of school onlies seem to make friends more easily. They seem to learn to share better, cos they realise they need to do this to make friends (no younger sibling idolising them putting up with crap) and don’t spend half their lives defending their stuff from a toddler. We have a very close relationship, he doesn’t feel the need to fight anyone for my attention so is very secure in our attachment. He probably acts older than he is, confident talking to adults and has quite complex thoughts from spending more time with adults. We and grandparents can put more into saving for him. By the time he’s 18 he’ll be able to pay for university, put down a deposit for a house etc, we will be able to help him more as an adult. If he needs peace at home it’s there. We probably make more of an effort with his friends. We spend more time as a family we are not rushing in different directions to different activites and birthday parties at the weekend. Yes there are some downsides, but they are more about my needs and feelings than his.

I’m an only and I loved it. No sibling fall outs like my friends all had and I got to experience hobbies and holidays that wouldn’t have been possible otherwise. I was never lonely as I knew no different and always had friends round. In fact being an only made me look outwards for friendships and I never struggled there.

My DD is now an only too and on the odd occasion she’s spoken of it she’s talked about how she likes it. How she feels close to us and how she likes that she always has our attention if she needs it.

She’s independent enough (11yo so just starting out) and people always take well to her. Teachers tell me how smiley, happy and helpful she is. She’s thoughtful and loving and generous. If she has money, she happily shares it with friends if shopping etc.

Being an only is just one side of a coin and no lesser than having a sibling.

I have 2, soon to be 3. Part of me is jealous of the mums I met at groups with my first that still have only 1. They are incredibly close, and do some lovely things together that I couldn’t possibly do with 2 (without much stress/expense). I also think they are further ahead at school as the mums have more time to spend helping them out. I always have another child fighting for my attention so it’s tough. I do take each child out alone as much as possible, as they are so much nicer on their own! My girls are incredibly close, but they also fight A LOT! Right now they are fighting over an orange plate . It sounds comical but to be honest I feel stressed a lot of the time.

contain a lot of quite negative stuff about "weirdos" and "little emperor's"

Well you need to scrap this kind of thinking for starters.

Without wanting to sound too rude, why the fuck are you arsed what other people think about your family situation?

I am one of 5 siblings. Dh is one of 3.

We chose to have 1 child.

We have a savings pot for her, so when she is older, she will have this for a deposit on a home/passing her driving test/wont leave uni with a millstone round her neck/whatever she wants it for.

We are off to Disney florida this year.

Dd is a well grounded, kind, considerate individual who has our sole attention when it co.es to homework, days out, days in, etc.

She isn't a 'weirdo' at all and in fact was voted for school councillor by the other kids in her class because in their words, she was 'kind and funny'

So fuck all the dickheads who say shit like that.

You need to stop being arsed about what everyone else thinks. It's your own insecurities that are causing this feeling.

A good thing: A singleton inherits the lot.

An observation: People who say siblings can share the weight of older parents need only look at threads on MN to see this isn't true.

OP, you really need to front the rude questions: a couple is either trying to have baby and can't, or not trying. In either case it is no-one else's business. Possibly you could laminate this and pass it round.

I am an only and it's great. Growing up I never had to share my parents with anyone else, and they were able to fund lots of stuff (music lessons, trips abroad etc) that wouldn't have been possible on their moderate income if there was more than one of me. I've always been free to be my own person without feeling like I'm being compared to siblings and I turned out very independent and happy to just do my own thing.

As for looking after my parents when they're older, I would much rather just get on with it on my own than have to deal with bickering and being let down by siblings who avoid pulling their weight.

Honestly the main downside of being an only child is people who find out and start looking for things that 'must' be wrong with you because they just can't conceive of a life that's different to their own.

I should also say that DH is one of 5 and his sibling relationships are not close at all. He’s really only friendly with one brother who lives an hour away and the rest range from distant cordial to active avoidance.

There was a very relevant article in The Guardian yesterday.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jan/13/the-question-we-came-to-dread-are-you-going-for-a-second-child

Any questions about having babies are crashingly rude. There are some great polite and less polite answers in the article. I must admit I’d be tempted to provide an excruciatingly true and detailed answer. Asking an invasive, insensetive question? Here’s your answer!!

OP, I have an only child, but I wouldn’t go into positives or negatives of having one, more or none because these depend in a huge number of factors that many times are not even dependent on the number of children you have.

But if it helps, don’t feel guilty about not being able to provide a little sibling for your child. In the same way they ask for puppies and they cannot understand why you can’t have one.

IME, there are so many “onlies” nowadays that she might not feel she is missing on anything. Many of us parents of onlies, find it easier to entertain two kids than one so we often borrow or lend our “only” to other parents so there is always plenty of social interaction.

Something I have found interesting is that there are many people with second children who came along much later than the first, so their first bones are pretty much like only children anyway as the difference in age doesn’t make them very compatible while they are young.

DS became desperate for a sibling just at a time it had become impossible to get him one. He was 4 at the time and the way I dealt with it it was asking him if we should borrow one of his friends’ little siblings. The conversation went as follows:

Should we borrow Johnny’s sister?
Oh no mum, she is horrible, she is screaming all the time.

What about Becca’s? Noooo, she breaks all her toys and doesn’t allow us to play.

What about David’s? She is too young to play, is crying all the time and dribbles over the toys

Are you sure you want a little brother or sister?
(Silence)

He has not touched the topic ever since

Several of my friends are only children and loved it. At least 4 of them have chosen to have only 1 themselves. Reasons given include:

• it made me self sufficient and happy with my own company

• I never knew any different

• I got more attention from everyone

• I had lots of friends/cousins

• it made me really close to my parents

Obviously these are all personal but your DD will be happy, whatever happens, I'm sure. for your disappointments so far.

I'm dealing with aged parents and I'm wishing I was an only 😥

I think if people ask rudely about only having 1 kid then it's a good thing if you point out to them that they are being rude and insensitive. Otherwise they will go around thinking it's an ok thing to do.

Without wanting to sound too rude, why the fuck are you arsed what other people think about your family situation?

Perhaps my post wasn't very clear. I was a bit emotional when I wrote it.

I'm upset because DH and I very much want another child, DD very much wants a sibling, and it's not happening. The unpleasant comments from other people aren't the primary problem, they just make an already upsetting situation more difficult.

If DH and I had chosen to have one child and DD wasn't bothered about being an only then I wouldn't give a shit what anyone else thinks.

I hate the titles of these threads, such ridiculous prejudice. I'm an only of an only & I have one DC. I always thought I'd want more but it worked for us. I'm not at all weird & neither is DS, but plenty of people are & having siblings has no bearings. In my immediate family I see an awful lot of extreme sibling dysfunction.

I can only think of benefits TBH.
My DD had a fabulous life. She lives in fear that I'll have another child. (I certainly won't)

MY siblings were dreadful and difficult and one was a boy and five years younger I felt responsible for him, not enough money, sharing bedrooms etc. My sister is a total, jealous cow. We are NC, all of us!

A sibling is NOT a guarantee of happiness, believe me.

People who say siblings can share the weight of older parents

One of the crappest arguements I have EVER heard for having more than one child.

I will never understand why people think when they get old, their kids will need to look after them.

My mum is in her 70s and still travelling the globe. And I'm sure her and her husband (late 60s - still works - through choice), will be more than capable of looking after themselves until they die and wouldn't want it any other way.

This thought that more than one child will be needed to care for their parents is preposterous imho.

And the thought that this would influence the fact of having more than one child, is selfish and pathetic.

has a fabulous life not had!

Totally agree Trashboat who has children so they can look after them in old age? Utter f up attitude.