To ask you to tell me some GOOD things about having/being an only child

[lostmyfeckingkeysagain]

We have a 4yo DD who was conceived the first month of trying but have been TTC baby no 2 for almost 2 years now.
I just got my period this morning having convinced myself I was experiencing all kinds of pregnancy symptoms for the last few days

DD loves babies and has started asking brother or sister (although she's generally a very happy child) so I feel guilty that I may not be able to give her one but I need to prepare myself for the possibility that baby no.2 may not happen for us and she may be an only child.

DH and I are constantly being asked "when are you having another??" as though I can just click my fingers and make a baby appear! When I say "we'll see" or "we're not sure yet" etc (because I don't want to go into the whole sorry saga of my possible secondary infertility), we invariably get told that "DD needs a brother or sister!" , "Surely you don't want her to be an only child!" or worst of all "an only child is a lonely child".

We are very lucky in lots of ways and the three of us have a lovely life together. I would like to just appreciate what we have and not worry so much about it all but I am finding that all the negative stuff people say about only children is making the situation much more difficult for me to handle.

So, please MN, can we have a thread with positive things about being an only child or having an only child??
Also any advice as to how to deal with the aforementioned comments would be appreciated, bearing in mind there are some situations where "fuck off" isn't an option!

Thank you.

Wow threads like this make me feel really . No one ever asks “tell me some GOOD things about only having 2/3 DC”. I’m an only and, really, it’s fine . I’m v self confident, self-assured, happy in my own skin, happy with my own company. I have 2 DC who are pretty similar to me. Not once growing up did I feel like my DPs were concerned about it only being the three of us.

Nothing wrong with being an only child. I got all of my parents attention and money spent on me and I never had to share anything or have any hand-me-downs. My parents were in a position to help me buy a house because they didn't have to consider giving the same help to another child. When they eventually pass away I'll get everything and can pay off my mortgage. It has helped me massively in terms of progressing in life.

The only downside is that when parents get older there's no support for an only child - you're the only one who can look after your parents. And when they eventually die you're the only one who has lost a parent and you have nobody to share the experience with. Although by then the child will probably have a partner to support them. I also think I'm a bit selfish because of being an only child. I still think the positives hugely outweigh the negatives though.

I'm an only and I love it. I always have, and the older I get the more grateful I am that I'm an only child.

I love not having to battle with a sibling for things. I love the space. I love having so much time with my parents. I love everything really. It suits me and my temperament.

I grew up seeing my cousins regularly and going on holiday with them, in fact one lived with us for almost two years when I was very young, so I guess in a way I did almost have a sibling. I enjoyed spending time with them but I was also very grateful to leave them behind, especially when I say how they so often interacted with each other.

I don't think that anyone should be made to feel guilty about not 'giving' their child a sibling. A sibling could be their best friend or worst enemy or anything inbetween. You never know either way.

It isn't all sweetness and light. My mother adores her siblings(most of whom have sadly gone) but they've also had a detrimental impact upon her because they have considerable issues(alcoholism for one) which she's had to deal with much of the fallout. A friend of hers has had her life near ruined by a drug addicted sibling. I'm grateful that I don't have to worry about that.

As for parental care I've been a carer for family members twice now, and although I had some support with the first, with the second I had none, and it hasn't bothered me at all. I know far more families who leave all or most of the care to one person(usually female/eldest child) than I do families who share care, so there's no guarantee there either.

The only positives I can offer is as a child of the 50s born to working class parents is that money though tight was more than enough to give us all a comfortable lifestyle.

I was much wanted and much loved by parents, grandmother and my childless aunt and her lovely husband and I’m truly grateful for that but I really missed not having a sister.
I very much felt like the lonely only child.

I think it’s always coloured my life but as an adult I know I could have had a sister that I didn’t get on with..so I have tended to look at my that aspect of my life with my rosy tinted glasses on.

I did have a daughter and she was like the sister I never had. I was always very close to my mum. I do have some lovely friends so I’ve been fortunate in other ways but I always said I’d have two children or none.

Thank you all. This has been really helpful.

I agree with previous posters that siblings are by no means a guarantee that you won't be the only one taking responsibility for elderly/ill parents. I know plenty of larger families where this it has all been left to one person. In some ways I imagine it might be easier knowing all along this is going to happen because you're an only, rather than feeling resentful and abandoned because your siblings aren't pulling their weight.

I can understand where you are coming from op.
We have one dd age 6. She would also love a sibling and I feel guilty for not being able to give her one. We have also been asked repeatedly about a sibling, although now she is that little bit older doesn't get asked very much.
As a previous poster has said, it is not always through choice. Dd was the result of our first icsi. (I lost the other at 5.5 weeks otherwise she would have had a non identical twin)

Two further icsi cycles and a frozen embryo transfer haven't worked. We were very lucky to have her.

She is a happy child and as a result of being the only one probably we probably get to spend more time with her, can go to more out of school activities etc. It is a small benefit in comparison to what I wanted but some things can't be changed so you have to build on what you have.
I know of other single children families and some are through choice but others are like us are not.

I forgot to say that if I'm lucky enough to have children, then I'd probably choose to have an only child. If I decide to have more than one it'd be because I want to have more, and not because I think that my child needs a sibling.

A cousin is an only child, and also very content, and she has chosen to have just one child too, so although there are mixed views, as on every subject, there are also many of us who are perfectly happy with being an only.

I always said I’d have two children or none

You can't will yourself not to have secondary infertility unfortunately.

I’m an only one and have an only. There’s good and bad things about families of whatever size

Personally I’m very independent (so is ds) and very happy to spend time on my own. I have a friend from a large family who really struggles to be alone.

I got plenty of attention from my parents and ds does from dh and I.

There’s no fighting and bickering constantly in the house.

There’s not a right answer to this. If you only want one child only have one. If you want more then try for more.

I hated being an only child. I think if you want it to work, the parent must put alot more effort into the relationship than if you have 2 children.

From a post on the first page and the reality for me:
Of course there are benefits to being an only child.
Not having to fight for attention Didn't really get any attention. Might of had some if I had sibling backup for getting attention
Not feeling second best wasn't first best either
Choosing what you want Didn't happen either
Having more time and money lavished on you Didn't really get time or money "lavished" on me. Maybe if I was lucky we went to the cinema once a year...
Quieter times It was always quiet. There was never fun noisy times
Quality time Didn't really happen with 2 full time working parents
Not having to compromise with siblings Still always had to compromise (basically do what the parents wanted)

Basically, make sure you give plenty of attention, actually play with, chances to go out and visiting friends to your child (and not just as a young child) and she should grow up to be happy.

I am an only child and the main benefit has been that I have had huge amounts of financial help from my parents and I suppose will when they pass away too although I would much rather they didn't!

KPo58. I'm sorry you had such an unhappy childhood, but it sounds as though your problems began with your parents, and had little to do with being an only child.

I love being an only child. As does my husband. We plan on having an only child too.
I can't believe people are so rude in their comments to be honest. Ridiculous!

We just had DD for 7 years, her life was very fulfilled, lots of activitys and play days. I worked shifts her Dad full time, Someone always around.

Everyone constantly asking about number 2, We were trying for 3 years.

Ds was born, he's 3 now. He is full on from birth he takes up most of our time. Very demanding. Constantly running off, throwing things, I try everything to discipline him.

Dd loves him but she resents him, I often miss the 121 relationship with DD. She seems lonely now she has a sibling.

I'm hoping in the future he will settle and we can do fun stuff again. Keep the faith more than likely number 2 will arrive, make the most of your time now.

I agree with previous posters that siblings are by no means a guarantee that you won't be the only one taking responsibility for elderly/ill parents. I know plenty of larger families where this it has all been left to one person. In some ways I imagine it might be easier knowing all along this is going to happen because you're an only, rather than feeling resentful and abandoned because your siblings aren't pulling their weight

absolutely totally and utterly spot on, op, and the resentment and feelings of being utterly abandoned and of being invisible eat away at me every day....if I was an only I'd have done the same with regards mum and dad but the awful abandoned feelings wouldn't be there now.

ssd
I'm sorry, it must be so hard.

thanks

I honestly wish I'd been an only, I've got no positives from having siblings and I'm a strong person. I'm like a typical only, like my own company, good at mixing, very independent, but there's a constant sadness that I have siblings who aren't siblings to me, they are there but they are never there IYKWIM.

Dont feel bad at all about having only one

Basically, make sure you give plenty of attention, actually play with, chances to go out and visiting friends to your child (and not just as a young child) and she should grow up to be happy.

Thanks Kpo58, although I would do strive to do these things however many children I had. I'm sorry to hear your childhood wasn't a happy one Although I agree with the previous poster who said it does sound as though that was more about the way you were parented rather than lack of siblings. My parents also both worked full time while I was growing up but we did fun things as a family at weekends and I still felt I had lots of quality time with them. I take your point though that if you have an only it's very important to give them opportunities to socialise and this is something I certainly will keep in mind if no.2 doesn't happen for us.

DH is an only child. He never wanted siblings, had a good childhood, and as an adult is perfectly normal and has a lovely relationship with his parents - they're genuinely friends. Also his parents are such involved grandparents because they don't have other grandchildren! I do worry about the future if his parents and mine need care at the same time - but anything could happen.

I’m an only, and have never wished for it to be otherwise, though of course I’ve wondered from time to time how it would be to have one.

I was always good at keeping myself amused, and still am. I’m not particularly sociable, and not very good at being partnered, but I think that’s nature, rather than nurture.

The positives were that I had my own room and things (though I’m not materialistic, and things didn’t just fall into my lap), undivided love and attention.

Strangely, although I didn’t want siblings, I’ve always had a slightly idealised view of them; I just assumed that siblings would be close friends and confidantes. Boy, have I learned differently...
Mum; estranged from both brothers for nearly 40 years, recently reconnected with one.
Partner; has the most useless brother, NC.
Friend; one sister, they don’t talk.
Friend; one brother, very low contact.
Friend; one brother who rejected him when he came out.

I’m not knocking siblings, I know they can be a blessing, but I really don’t feel that I’m worse off (or a weirdo) for not having any.

And rude people should be pulled up, there’s no excuse.

I grew up as an only. It’s meant I had plenty of attention, financial help and have a very close relationship with my parents. It also meant things like holidays being cheaper (because you can get one room for 3) and getting to do more things, not being dragged down by a younger sibling. I didn’t grow up to be massively selfish or immature or lonely or whatever the stereotype seems to be. Honestly, enjoy the child you have and don’t stress about this. It honestly is a matter that concerns you alone, just say you are happy with your family.
Also, out of my friends who have siblings, I would say 50% get along well and the rest are not close at all. There’s no guarantees here.

@Dowser - are you totally lacking in empathy?

OP - this is your family and - regardless of the number of DC you have - it will be as happy as you and your DH make it. Start practising saying "we're happy as we are" to intrusive questions and to anyone thick enough to denigrate only children say "what a ridiculous stereotype".

My teenage DD is happy being an only just as I happy being one of four.

I have an only through choice. She's nearly four and I don't just want anymore. I had a lot of pressure from dh's family to have another. They started commenting about it when dd was about 2 weeks old and haven't stopped. Very interfering and, imo, insensitive, as for all they know we may be struggling to conceive (we aren't, we haven't tried, but they don't know that for sure). I think it's nobody else's business.

There most be loads of only children around the world and I'm sure they are just as messed up/not messed up as those with siblings. A sibling is no guarantee that a child won't be lonely, no guarantee of a lifelong friend, and certainly no guarantee that a child won't be spoilt. In fact the two most spoilt children I know are a brother and sister.

If anyone asks me about having another (dh's family tend to talk to him about it now, I'm guessing they were fed up of my stock answer), I tell the truth which is we are very happy with our dd, don't feel the need for anymore and I do not want to go through pregnancy again.

These aren't my only reasons, I am perfectly content with having one child and I don't want to go through pregnancy again as I hated it, but also I like that I have been able to enjoy every stage of dd's life without having to think/worry about another child. Financially it is easier and we have been able to start a saving fund for her future. She isn't lonely, we get to do a lot together and she is very happy playing on her own. She is very independent and not really interested in other children yet but I am sure she will make friends as she gets older. Also I have become a sahm and am very keen to get back to work as soon as I can. I am happy I have been lucky enough to stay home with dd during her early years, but I would not be so happy if I had to do it for another 3/4 years with a second child...I know I wouldn't have to be a sahm again but I'd like to give the hypothetical second born a similar start in life as I gave my dd.

As others have said a concern with being an only is being responsible for elderly parents.

I have a DB. He has not helped with my parents at all. My DF died a few months ago, he didn't come to the funeral . I think it would have been easier if I had been an only, as I wouldn't have the added heartache that my DB's attitude has caused.

There is no guarantee that siblings will get on, there is no guarantee that siblings will help in times of need. Brilliant if they do get on, horrendous if they don't. All a bit of a lottery really.

ineedaholiday I'm so sorry about your DF and the lack of support from your brother. It must be very hurtful