Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell women to get married before they have babies

424 replies

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 12/01/2018 12:39

This forum is absolutely full up of the following stories, repeated on a loop

Woman falls in love with selfish twunt (doesn't realise at this stage he is a selfish twunt)
Woman is persuaded to move into the home selfish twunt owns, or is persuaded to by a house but only in selfish twunts name because (insert excuse here)
Woman suffers "contraceptive failure"
Woman gives up her job to look after children.
Twunt has got her exactly where he wants her - now he can fuck other women without any fear of financial loss

I am so so saddened to keep reading these threads on here time and time again.

Women - protect yourself. There is a reason why a man won't marry you AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE HE'S OLD FASHIONED.

OP posts:
manicmij · 14/01/2018 10:34

What is this with having children? When did it become a right, an obsession with women whether married or not. There are a lot of posts on here hinting that the partner isn't to be trusted. If we women are so independent why are they still with the partner and having children with them. Absolutely no thought about what the child experiences when relationship is untrustworthy or breaks up. Or are there so many of us now who have been through the same experience we do not care anymore. Whether married or not stop having children when you feel you have to build your own defences to be safe from a partner - we are not so clever as we think if we maintain the status quo.

Iggi999 · 14/01/2018 10:37

And what would flow from that is that parents who did go part time and stay home would therefore see their contribution negated and worthless and it wouldn't be financially recognised
Well exactly. I am capable of working full time and could support myself if we split, but the dc love having one of us part time and we can afford it so why should I have to maintain a full time job in the event that we might one day split. Equally if that does happen the unpaid work should be taken into account as we agreed on this system together

Iggi999 · 14/01/2018 10:38

I don’t think Richard Gere did save her did he - she had already jacked in the job and was heading to college when he came back.

PoorYorick · 14/01/2018 10:49

To be honest, if Richard Gere rode up to me on his white steed and offered to lamp my boss, give me a million pounds and be available for sexual favours for the rest of his life, I'd totally go for it.

Viviennemary · 14/01/2018 10:56

Nobody can be trusted 100%. That's my philosophy. Of course you have to protect yourself and your family financially. Why wouldn't you.

BrokenHollandaise · 14/01/2018 14:39

I commented earlier about DP still being married. Well he got a message from his ex wife saying there is something coming in the post for him and that should be it.

Notreallyarsed · 14/01/2018 14:45

@BrokenHollandaise brilliant news!

PoorYorick · 14/01/2018 14:51

Congratulations! Hope it all goes well for you both.

Headofthehive55 · 14/01/2018 15:02

yellow
I'm afraid our earning power is unequal so I could never go 50/50 into a house. I could perhaps afford the shed. My DH earns more than 10x my income. Being married recognises my contribution a lot more than living with someone.

And goodbyee I'm not prepared to sacrifice my career to take legal action. Which is what it would amount to.

BrokenHollandaise · 14/01/2018 15:08

It's funny though how she messaged telling him that about a day after I'd commented on this thread. I asked last night if he'd heard anything about it and he showed me the messages.

So I'm hoping this is the last bit. I know he doesn't need to go to court or anything so just need to wait on the postman!

pamish · 14/01/2018 15:25

If you think Mumsnet is full of posts about miserable trapped women have a look at Gransnet. Not thousands, but enough sad stories about women banged up with miserable old blokes to make me want to rescue them all, the idea of leaving is too difficult for so many. Just saying tell the buggers to shape up and not sit round in string vests all day does get suggested. Rarely, they try that.

M4MMY · 14/01/2018 15:27

I haven't read through all the posts so sorry if this is just saying what others already have...

I married before having my dc. Did everything as carefully and sensibly as possible, whilst never in a million years dreaming what the man I'd fallen in love with was capable of... Anyway. Fast-forward and there's me in a whole heap of debt that I knew nothing about. Credit rating is destroyed. Properties have been repossessed. It's looking like I'm going to have to file for bankruptcy. I didn't know a thing about any of it (and when I found out is the day I walked out) but for the next several years I'm left with the insecurity of renting mine and my children's home (I had my own flat when I met their father). I can't get a car loan so am driving an 08 reg that cost me £850 in repairs right before Xmas and now I'm looking at saving up to go on holiday next year but it seems I'll be unable to hire a car without a credit card... Which I never had because I didn't want ever to be in debt!! I think to say marriage protects you is very wishful thinking unfortunately and if you happen to balls up who you fall in love with, there's little you can do. I don't know what the answer is. But marriage doesn't solve everything and it actually screwed me right over because if we hadn't been married, the credit cards taken out in my ex's name only would have had nothing to do with me.

M4MMY · 14/01/2018 15:28

(Should say hire car is essential due to two disabled children)

RancidOldHag · 14/01/2018 15:29

Equally if that does happen the unpaid work should be taken into account as we agreed on this system together

Yes, that'll happen on divorce. But not following the breakdown of cohabitation. Some people are fine with there being no recompense. Others aren't

IsaSchmisa · 14/01/2018 16:07

Not necessarily true m4mmy. If you own property together whilst unmarried, while your half wouldn't be available to debtors (like it isn't when you're married) your partner's potentially would and that could obviously impact on you. The situation you describe is going to be an effing nightmare regardless, unfortunately. Sympathies.

NameChanger22 · 14/01/2018 16:18

How would marrying a selfish twunt help??? Surely that just makes it harder and more complicated to leave when he inevitably ends up being a twunt.

My advice to women would be either stay single without children, or buy your own property in your own name only first and don't get married.

I did the latter. After I split up from the twunt I was able to carry on living in my own home without having to give anything to the twunt. If I'd married him, our situation would have been a lot, lot worse. It would have been very stupid of me to get married and I thank my younger self every day that I didn't.

makeourfuture · 14/01/2018 16:20

It is a sad state of affairs when I have to be the one to point this out:

Officer and a Gentleman

M4MMY · 14/01/2018 18:44

True, Ida. But at least I wouldn't have been liable for the credit card debt on top of the mortgage... "Effing nightmare" is right either way, I agree!

IsaSchmisa · 14/01/2018 19:40

How were you liable? Did you sign something or do you mean it came out of the assets at divorce?

kittensinmydinner1 · 14/01/2018 20:40

Having read all the responses to the OP to me the answer is very straightforward. EDUCATION!!!
Make sure all children in secondary schools understand what marriage means legally. Then they can make smart informed choices.

  1. If you have independent wealth or huge earning capacity then marriage isn't that important to you.
  2. For the rest - the huge majority who don't fall into the above category, or you intend to take long breaks to raise children. Do not have children without marriage. If your life partner doesnt want to protect you in this way then he is not the one to have children with.
  3. For all those thankful that they weren't married to their dcs father because he was a twat. Don't have children with a twat ! Wait ten minutes and be sure he isn't a twat. Then go back to step 2.
  4. Until you are sure of step 3, use contraception as it is meant to be used.
Foxjar · 14/01/2018 21:03

So only those with huge earning potential can have children without being married.

Err no thanks.

Who are you to tell others what to do?

Think I'm perfectly capable of sorting myself out and providing for my children without a wedding ring thanks.28 years unmarried mother of 3 without huge earning potential who is pretty sure she wouldn't melt should anything happen to dp.

KatharinaRosalie · 14/01/2018 21:52

I don't get why people are so happy to walk away from assets they deserve and would be entitled to if they only had that 'piece of paper'

Ilovetolurk · 14/01/2018 22:15

I don't get why people are so happy to walk away from assets they deserve and would be entitled to if they only had that 'piece of paper

It’s really not that simple on divorce

imela · 14/01/2018 22:57

I can see your point Smug (I think this defines you better) but getting married is no guarantee things will work out or everlasting love, happiness and all that. Some people make mistakes and others live a lie or stay in a marriage for the children. The world would be a much better place without people judging so harshly other people's choices. As for you Smug, be kinder and judge less. It will do you better

londonrach · 14/01/2018 23:20

Yanbu. The protection given by marriage is important if you have dc. Ive had two friends get married after having dc. You have to reregister your dc birth.