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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell women to get married before they have babies

424 replies

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 12/01/2018 12:39

This forum is absolutely full up of the following stories, repeated on a loop

Woman falls in love with selfish twunt (doesn't realise at this stage he is a selfish twunt)
Woman is persuaded to move into the home selfish twunt owns, or is persuaded to by a house but only in selfish twunts name because (insert excuse here)
Woman suffers "contraceptive failure"
Woman gives up her job to look after children.
Twunt has got her exactly where he wants her - now he can fuck other women without any fear of financial loss

I am so so saddened to keep reading these threads on here time and time again.

Women - protect yourself. There is a reason why a man won't marry you AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE HE'S OLD FASHIONED.

OP posts:
squeekums · 14/01/2018 00:59

Lmao
YABU
I have a child, partner of 10 years and no desire for a piece of paper or fancy party called marriage
No piece of paper and fancy party will stop a guy cheating if he wants, if you really believe that, your an idiot

IPityThePontipines · 14/01/2018 01:29

Aaaaarrrgh! Marriage is not just a piece of paper and it is a legal contract, not a love spell, nor a party.

FabalaTheGreenGirl · 14/01/2018 01:54

Does it matter? Marriages end. I can't see what marriage has to do with it, to be honest. For me the most important thing would be having financial independence from a partner, a good job and qualifications to fall back on just in case the new DP I decide to move in with turns out to be some knuckle-dragging inadequate.

I do think it must be horrible to be trapped in a relationship like this. It would be my worst nightmare.

FabalaTheGreenGirl · 14/01/2018 02:09

(Ps. I get the "division of assets thing" But marriage isn't for everyone and I'm a big fan of the idea of having a "Fuck-Off Fund" before getting into something too serious)

Abbylee · 14/01/2018 03:05

I think that getting an education so you can support yourself and dc is more important than marriage. Most women who have dc before marriage also discontinue their education and are therefore dependent upon partners. I believe that if you can be self sufficient, your life will be better and dp will probably respect you more.

PenelopeChipShop · 14/01/2018 06:18

I can see what the OP means. I’m married and my DH left us (2 kids under 5) last year. For the record I got married for love - and actually it was him who was keener in the idea than me at the time - but boy am I glad now that I have that legal protection.

I’m like an ‘average statistic’ - made redundant while pregnant, didn’t go back to work (because I didn’t have a job to go to!) then took on caring responsibilities for my Mum while son was a toddler. Eventually i restarted work but freelance / insecure and fitted around children. Daughter born four years later.

By this point husband has lost interest in me due to lack of attention paid to him while busy looking after everyone else. He’s found a young girl from the office who has the time and energy for him. Lucky him.

The only silver lining in all this is that he legally has to support us while I figure out what to do and find a job after years out of full time work. I look back and question some of my decisions but they were made in good faith thinking I had a life partner and was part of a team. Nobody ever thinks this will happen to them.

catwoozle · 14/01/2018 06:34

I'd say always make sure (where possible) you have the capacity to make your own living and be financially independent and be very choosy about sexual partners and super careful who you have children with.

Certainly not always the case, but a lot of the more toxic situations seem to happen where the couple hadn't been together long and hadn't even discussed children or got out of the "honeymoon period" before children came along.

catwoozle · 14/01/2018 06:39

Not got married because it’s too expensive

It costs less than a hundred pounds to get married in a registry office.

BattleCuntGalactica · 14/01/2018 07:25

Did I wake up in 1950 or something terribly backward?

diddlemethis · 14/01/2018 07:28

Ditto to what PenelopeChipShop said.

KatharinaRosalie · 14/01/2018 07:29

If you're independently wealthy or make sure your career is not stalled because of childcare and other wifework, ensure assets are bought in your name etc, yes it's possible to be in a situation where when breaking up, it wouldn't make much difference if you were married or not.
I'm pretty sure this is not a case for a vast majority of women. And you really don't get it if you believe marriage means a pretty dress and party.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 14/01/2018 07:30

piece of paper and fancy party

That is not what marriage is. The fancy party is a wedding, which is optional.

PoorYorick · 14/01/2018 07:30

That it’s a “good idea” to marry a rich man and not “let a a man impregnate” you if you’re not married.

No, I've said it's a good idea to marry a man before having children if by doing so it will secure you a fair share of the assets you will jointly be acquiring.

The "rich man" phrase is your own invention, based on your inexplicable obsession with the topic. "Impregnate you" was a bit of rhetoric since you made it a feminist issue, but it's still accurate.

I can't make it any simpler and I'm going to stop trying. Either you can't grasp the concept, I can't make it simple enough for you, or you've got some reason to insist on a gross misconstruction.

diddlemethis · 14/01/2018 07:34

No one wants to believe they are vulnerable until they are.

Having a (marriage) contact with the person who is equally biologically responsible for your child, which ensures that if the partnership breaks, then each party will be treated equally, isn't a bad idea.

Bumsnetnetbums · 14/01/2018 07:40

Yabu.
Why would you want to be married? It is possible to raise children alone?

Bumsnetnetbums · 14/01/2018 07:42

^ i dont feel vulnerable.
If a dad doesnt want to see/pay for his kid then marriage will be fucking miserable and the kid will know it isnt wanted. Not sure thats better tbh.

highlandflingabout · 14/01/2018 07:50

Being married made things more difficult for me. Pretty simple I married an abusive arsehole had 2 kids in rapid succession,we lived in a house I had bought before being married,he hardly worked,had no interest in the kids.
When we got divorced after 3 years he had a claim on everything,my money my house,and the kids.
Of course most fathers should see their kids but he then spent the next 14 years ,hurting them ,letting them down and not paying maintenance.The kids are mid teens now ,and see him as an odd stranger.
In my case the legal relationship only gave him another stick to beat me with.

Bumsnetnetbums · 14/01/2018 07:57

Thats shit high. Hope youre ok now x

Headofthehive55 · 14/01/2018 07:58

Being married had huge benefits to me.
In particular my DH was able to register our DDs birth alone, as I was desparate for the birth cert as we didn't think she would live very long. (Hours expected) she did live but it was good that he could just go and register her and bring back a cert. It mattered at the time to me!

Ilovetolurk · 14/01/2018 08:01

Having a (marriage) contact with the person who is equally biologically responsible for your child, which ensures that if the partnership breaks, then each party will be treated equally, isn't a bad idea

I’m afraid that marriage does not ensure each party will be treated equally

Not until you get into a long marriage/ relationship and even then you might face a long stressful and expensive court battle to get your fair share on divorce

Far easier when splitting up to have ensured your house is a joint asset and savings are held by each party and not married in the first place

There is a group of women marriage benefits but there’s no universal benefit of marriage by a long way

Headofthehive55 · 14/01/2018 08:07

Agree with pooryorick
yellow
I'm afraid motherhood does impact on careers. In my last interview I didn't get the job as I was told it's too soon as you have young children.
I'm not a high earner, and never will be.

why12345 · 14/01/2018 08:08

Maybe because marriage means more to people than just a money contract Confused

goodbyeeee · 14/01/2018 08:27

head of the hive if that was actually given to you as a reason for not getting a job then that company/ prospective has acted illegally.

goodbyeeee · 14/01/2018 08:27

*prospective employer

IsaSchmisa · 14/01/2018 08:29

Oh you're absolutely shaming zsasa, and your insistence that this boils down to marry a rich man has got to be deliberate invention. There's just no way you could think that's what's being advocated.

It's all very well crying out but I am the higher earner, and OP did rather ask for that by generalising, but the reality is that this is a minority of women. Anyone who thinks that statement is 50s throwbacking is sadly ignorant of the realities of society in 2018. Now you don't have to give a fuck about other women, women as a class, if you don't want to. But own that, rather than indulging in pretence.

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