To think it's not that hard?

[HashBrowns]

There's a girl on my Facebook who's been moaning that she hasn't got time to brush her teeth all day or wash her hair until her DP comes home from work in the evenings because she doesn't have a minute to herself with her baby. Her baby is 5 weeks old, I have 4 dc's and still manage to find time to brush my teeth and have a bath every day. Even if her baby doesn't nap in the day for her (which I doubt when he's 5 weeks, that's pretty much all they do) surely she can stick him in his bouncer fur 10 mins even if it's outside the bathroom door so she can still see him whilst having a wash etc...aibu?

Simply nasty op
Must be nice up there in your ivory tower

Not everyone does cope. I never did, so much so i will never have another
Try not being so nasty and offering support, even just a simple it gets easier comment, be a bloody human being and not a biatch

I am so bored of this conversation, I may as well be banging my head up against a brick wall. I'm fed up of trying to explain myself now so I won't.

If this is her first child then you are being unreasonable and very judgy.

You said you have four, I wonder what you were like with your first child??

Every parent is different, if you don’t want to see her posts then either unfriendly her or unfollow her. Or maybe - as you obviously know what you’re doing - go over and babysit for an hour so she can have a bath/shower/teeth brushing session.

Judgmental and nasty.

It takes a lot longer to put make up on and straighten your hair than brush your teeth, so please.. she's obviously exaggerating for effect.

@hashbrowns so unfollow her then. Do you honestly think she’s devoted 10 pages of mumsnet comments about something you’ve posted online?

She’s not your problem, not your circus, not your business so leave her be and stop complaining about whether or not she’s had time for make up or teeth brushing. I’m working on two hours sleep because of my 15 year old, I doubt I’ll be brushing my teeth until sometime this afternoon.

Some of the replies on here have been far nastier than anything the OP initially wrote actually. It was a silly thread to start but come on, I wouldn't expect any struggling new mum to be immaculate (full make up etc) but cleaning your teeth?
Personally I'd hide the thread OP, you're on a hiding to nothing and it's not beneficial to keep coming back for more attacks.
Move on, see if your 'friend' needs any support and leave it at that.

I agree Maddie, some really nasty posts against the OP - far in excess of the irritation inferred in the initial AIBU.
We women really are haters aren’t we.
Very sad.

Maddie Lilith.... yep 😔

OP take Maddie's advice and go and enjoy your Sunday.

OP, did you have family nearby? Do you/ did you have a cleaner? Could you afford a sitter or nanny at times or even regularly?

Does she have any of these helping hands?

I was left alone when my baby was 10 days old because my husband had to work overseas. I had nerve damage from labour so could barely walk, and my father was terminally ill 10,000 miles away, so my mother could not leave him to be with me.
Because I had not lived here so very long, I only had friends in far away areas of London who each visited me once having families of their own. In the first few months I had four visits in total for a few hours each, which I am grateful about to this day.

I was in so much pain for months and had to wear a nappy for 10 months. My baby was colicky and I was barely able to make myself something to eat.

Did I get on with it? Yes. Are we all here, alive, healthy and happy? Yes. Was it bloody difficult? Yes.

I would never judge someone else's experience and say it couldn't have been more difficult than my own and to just get on with it. Let's pull each other up rather than pull each other down. Grow up and realise everyone is born with a different share of luck, a different set of skills with which to cope, as well as life circumstances being very different to our own.

Whether or not you think you might be able to cope in her situation is not the point.

I think the reason OP is pissed off actually relates a lot to the people being negative towards her. Having a baby is hard, it is not glamorous and is is not a competition. The person posting on fb probably jumped on the ‘having a baby is so hard’ bandwagon when in reality it isn’t a club. OP has 4, she knows it’s hard but doesn’t feel the need to publicly tell anyone. The person posting on fb probably doesn’t realise how difficult it can be yet, or how tiring and stressful it can be, possibly easy baby or a lot of support, this is just a guess. But I can see OP frustration at reading these posts.

If you know this person go and visit best unannounced and see how she is doing. With your experience you may be able to offer some help to her by way of doing thing's with baby. She may well be overwhelmed with new baby not know I g why/When they cry or possibly have PND. Help her rather than criticise , at least try to find out if she does need help.

OP, it sounds like it's not been the easiest ride for you either and I don't think you've tried to present yourself as the perfect parent. But I do think people have different coping abilities - just as babies are different, so are we and what might overwhelm one woman would be manageable for another.

I think I'm on the weaker side - there are things I can't manage with 2 very young children, housework being the main thing I'm completely failing on. I know other women with similar aged kids who manage to keep their home tidy. I don't automatically assume that's because they have easier babies or more support, money etc., I just think we have different coping thresholds and make different choices. That's ok.

I don't think you're wrong to question the no time to do teeth post - I would and so I think would a lot of others. But such thoughts are best kept private. Posting it on a popular forum like this will only serve to make everyone feel worse, both the patents struggling to cope and you for receiving some unpleasant responses. It's a lose lose.

Ugh, what a horrid thread this is! I'm glad I never found this thread when I'd just had my first DS.

I struggled massively with breastfeeding that was being forced on me by everyone. I didn't produce enough milk (naturally small breasts that never got any bigger in pregnancy or after birth, didn't produce enough to adequately feed the big hungry baby I gave birth to). My DS was NEVER satisfied. For the first 8 weeks all he did was cry cry cry cry cry! He was permanently attached to my breast desperate to be adequately fed, but never was. He also suffered with colic, and he constantly threw up immediately after feeding. The boy was always hungry or in pain. I was sleep deprived and seriously depressed.

I struggled to do the most basic things. Brushing my teeth in those first 8 weeks was about the only thing I did manage. And during that I'd have to see and hear my DS just scream blue murder. I tried a sling but I have back and neck problems and couldn't get on with it at all. I ended up in agony at one point, because of the damage the sling had caused to my back, unable to hold my own child unless he was on my lap propped up with pillows.

My HV was an awful bitch who wouldnt listen insisting "every woman can breastfeed!" and spent her visits, completely uninterested in my worries and depression, simply pressuring me to go to her early morning mum and baby groups (because she needed the numbers to keep them running).

I lost an awful lot of weight because I barely found the time, energy or inclination to even eat.

I had very little support as I have no family nearby. We'd moved to a new town for DHs work purposes and I knew nobody. TH had to work all the hours under the sun to support us.

Seeing a nasty judgemental thread like this at that stage would have made me feel even more inferior, useless, depressed and alone.

Shameful

This thread is quite bonkers.

OP has got so much shit, she has been called names and it's ironic that people are having a go at her for not being supportive and judgmental whilst you tear into her. She has been told she shouldn't have kids.

The woman in the OP manages to put make up on, straighten her hair and spends time uploading photos and posting on FB. She can clearly clean her teeth. If she can put make up on, she can clean her teeth if she wants to. That information came much later on in the thread though.

It wouldn't annoy me enough to start a thread on it, but it obviously touched a raw nerve with the OP for whatever reason. Other posters decided that this woman was struggling badly and possibly has PND and teared into the OP for not being supportive enough. We don't know if that is the case at all.

Some people do like moaning about hard life is and sometimes they exaggerate. I have a friend who I know very well who moans about not having time to do this and that because she has one child. She is just a moaner and I know her well enough to know she isn't depressed or struggling badly, she has always been a moaner and in competition with people about how much harder she has it. If you are tired, she is exhausted. If you have a cold she has the flu. It's just who she is.

Everyone else has decided that the OP is moaning about a poor new mother who has PND or is struggling badly with every day tasks. You have no idea if that is the case, but it's easier to tear the OP apart if you make out the mother is struggling really badly isn't it?

The OP's first post did come across as really judgmental but even when she added more detail people still came on to tear into her.

The truth is, if you have time to put on make up, straighten your hair, post photos to FB you do have time to clean your teeth if it is a priority for you. It isn't cruel or judgmental to point that out. It would have been helpful if OP had included that in her first post.

I struggled to do the most basic things. Brushing my teeth in those first 8 weeks was about the only thing I did manage.

Yes, but the woman in the OP is moaning that she doesn't have time to clean her teeth whilst posting photos of her in make up with her hair done.

That sounds nothing like your situation, does it?

I don't relate to that either, from day one I would just bring the baby around the house with me while I was doing whatever I was doing. That's why I find babies so easy, they don't do anything! It's been that way with all my children.
It sounds like your friend is going to struggle when her baby begins crawling/walking/getting into anything.
I don't like the moaning about having to wait for the man to come home and relying on a man, again because I don't relate as a single mother.
BUT! Everyone is different. I think posting on her Facebook about it is a cry for help so I hope she gets some support.

WOW! The bitching never stops.

BlackRibboner

Spot on post

Did you tell the pregnant women who lost 10kg and hadn’t eaten in a month that you didn’t understand their problem and pregnancy is not an illness? Sounds like your kind of thing.

I think the op has had such a rough time because MN very much has a supportive culture for new mums. It's really not the place to come and try to deride someone with a new born when there are likely a lot of members who will identify with her by default of the population and number. There are so many variables with a new baby that there is truely no point in comparing yourself with a situation you can't comprehend.

It's certainly hit a raw nerve with a lot of people here, myself included, because it sums up that what we thought people were thinking was correct. People try and hide it but you can see the judging and how people write you off as pathetic.

I personally think the op has been fairly mild (if obstinate) in her opinions but there have been subsequent posters who have been awful. If I was still in the throes of my newborns days I would have been even more reluctant to ask for help and tortured myself over how shit I was. Looking back I wasn't - dd was and still is difficult in some ways - but a bit of kindness or commiseration strengthened me and normalised the situation into one that I wasn't failing at but one I just trying to get to grips with.

I agree Cornett it has hit a nerve with a lot of people, myself included. I think it just shows how easy some people have it and how much some suffer with different types of babies. My first was horrendous and screamed all the time, it was awful. Just had my second and it's another world of easiness! I think you have been incredibly judgmental OP and I think this thread has shown you how unreasonable you have been. Hopefully you have learnt something.

Well my opinion hasn't changed but thank you, anyone who has time to put make up on, straighten their hair, pose with baby, upload them and write on Facebook has time to brush their teeth, that's all my point was in the first place.

Some of us realise that Hash. Leave it now.

I agree with OP I think there is some level of " poor me I had a baby I don't even have 5 min to per in peace hahaha" from what I can see especially on fb.
Many women find themself in a identity crisis when they're not working and almost need to make their day look soo hard so they get recognition that what they re doing is important.
At least this is my opinion.
OP I get what you mean I think a lot of posters are porpouselly pretending not to understand what you mean