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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wwyd nc sibling?

58 replies

Nolaughingmatter · 12/01/2018 05:06

Please help me. Two siblings have fallen out. Both siblings think they did nothing wrong. One chose to go nc last year citing the others behaviour. This nc sibling sent a Christmas present to their nephew. Present hasn’t been rejected or refused but left uncollected at the post office. The child is lower end of primary if it makes any difference.

Would you collect or reject the parcel?

OP posts:
tillytown · 12/01/2018 05:47

By ignoring it, you have decided to reject and refuse it, which is your right.
But that doesn't really matter if it was sent before Christmas, because it would have been returned to sender by now.

Original poster
Nolaughingmatter · 12/01/2018 05:58

Thanks for your answer. Perhaps my post is too cryptic Tilly. I really do want to know what someone else would do.

I am filled with sadness over this.

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 12/01/2018 06:00

I wouldn’t have a present from a sibling I was no contact with.

I had no contact with a sibling for years (we are now very low contact) and any birthday cards to my very young child from them went in the bin and the cheques in them to my child were never cashed.

I went no contact for a serious reason and I did not want this person around my child and i took the view that I had a right at that age of my child to make a decision.

Bluedoglead · 12/01/2018 06:04

And by posting it and expecting an adult to go to the post office to get it, the sender is asking the NC sibling to make an effort and that’s quite manipulative. Might have been better to stick a tenner cash in a card, which wouldn’t involve the other sibling to collect it.

Original poster
Nolaughingmatter · 12/01/2018 06:11

Blue dog
Thank you. I hadn’t considered it manipulative. The receiver is a sahp so the sender wouldn’t necessarily know it would have to be collected.

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 12/01/2018 06:12

Why does it matter that the receiver is a sahp? They still have to make the effort to go and get it.

I’m sorry your upset though.

Bluedoglead · 12/01/2018 06:13

What I mean is a SAHPstill has to go out to the shops to do school run meet a friend for coffee. They aren’t going to be in the house 24/7.

tillytown · 12/01/2018 06:15

Ok then, I hate my brother but still see and give his son presents. If my brother tried to give me anything though, I wouldn't take it. But in your scenario, no I wouldn't send/accept presents. It would confuse the child. Has the NC sibling had any contact with the child at all? Maybe they are using this as an olive branch?

Original poster
Nolaughingmatter · 12/01/2018 06:20

This isn’t the first period of nc. The first time lasted just over a year and the nephew wasn’t born. The parents of the not yet born child in question sent a present through the grandparents. (Ie the other way round). It wasn’t rejected.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nolaughingmatter · 12/01/2018 06:24

Nc sibling is not offering an olive branch. It is not possible to see the child without the parents present. Siblings do not live in close proximity otherwise present would have been dropped off perhaps by partner of sibling.

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 12/01/2018 06:26

Dropping present off by partner?

Why?

What part of no contact doesn’t the present deliverer get.

By fuck I’d be fuming and send the partner away with a flea in their ear.

TinoTheArtisticMouse · 12/01/2018 06:33

You're the present sender, right?

Original poster
Nolaughingmatter · 12/01/2018 06:34

It is the person, who chose nc that gave the present. Not the other way round.

The person ( and gift receiver), who didn’t has sent several texts to the sibling about their mother in hospital. She had a planned operation so information will have been available at all times from the hospital.

The nc sibling did not reply, the spouse did once.

OP posts:
NukaColaGirl · 12/01/2018 06:35

NC means NC. No flying monkeys with presents trying to lure back in. Nope.

Original poster
Nolaughingmatter · 12/01/2018 06:37

Tino correct. Interested in POV from sibling.

The present was very much sent as love from my child to theirs.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 12/01/2018 06:41

Me and dh are no contact with his very toxic sister.

This year...she was desperate to give our children Christmas presents. For his mothers sake, he allowed her.

I did not want to see her so I took the dog for a walk whilst she came in and did the presents.

I think you can be as no contact as you like but as long as the child wasn't involved, the parents should still allow things like this..within reason of coursen

FireCracker2 · 12/01/2018 06:44

I don't think the rift should continue inue to the next generation

Bluedoglead · 12/01/2018 06:48

Unless your child is old enough to purchase choose present with own money and post it themselves then it didn’t come from your child.

You are being incredibly manipulative. No contact with you but I’ll send your child a present and make you schlep to the post office to get it and you’ll have to feel grateful and send a thank you?

No thanks. It would rot in the post office before I went for it

emwithme · 12/01/2018 06:52

For very good reasons, my mum and one of her sisters were NC with another sister for most of my childhood. My cousins from NC aunt still got presents from everyone - it was widely acknowledged that the situation that led to NC wasn't their fault and they were still loved by the wider family.

Original poster
Nolaughingmatter · 12/01/2018 06:52

Thank you for your continued answers. I really really appreciate the kindness you are showing to me. This is giving me insight.

Both children were present for one of the incidents. One for the other. It is not the children’s fault though.

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 12/01/2018 06:54

If the sibling who started the whole no contact thing is the one sending the gift "as an olive branch" they need to grow up and stop using the child in this way.
If they want contact again they need to discuss the issue with their sibling and agree how to move on, even if they agree to disagree.
A sibling of mine has had one go round at nc and wont be given another cos its nasty and manipulative and was entirely dispropotionate

Original poster
Nolaughingmatter · 12/01/2018 06:55

Bluedog
What thank you card? There has never been one sent. Ever. Weddings present, xmas, birthday etc.

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 12/01/2018 06:57

Well my sibling would expect to be thanked for a present with either a card or a text.

Leave it. You could maybe passively leave a present with grandparents to be collected but I wouldn’t take it.

You’ve done the whole I’m no contact but yet you want to send kids presents? What age are the kids involved in this and what did they see/exoerience in the incident?

Alicetherabbit · 12/01/2018 07:02

They wouldn't necessarily know who it was from, and maybe with Christmas forgot to collect a parcel

PinkietheElf · 12/01/2018 07:05

I think people put too much importance on family closeness.

It is a societal thing I think, where we are brought up to believe families stick together. If they don't get on it is much better to stay apart.

We were all together for years, then when DP's passed away we drifted and realised that we had sod all in common. And the DCs also had little in common with their cousins. It is healthier to get on with our lives separately rather than perpetuate a duty that no one truly feels committed to.