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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wwyd nc sibling?

58 replies

Nolaughingmatter · 12/01/2018 05:06

Please help me. Two siblings have fallen out. Both siblings think they did nothing wrong. One chose to go nc last year citing the others behaviour. This nc sibling sent a Christmas present to their nephew. Present hasn’t been rejected or refused but left uncollected at the post office. The child is lower end of primary if it makes any difference.

Would you collect or reject the parcel?

OP posts:
HashiAsLarry · 12/01/2018 07:06

Its also possible they never got a card to say its at the post office and as its not expected have no idea there's anything waiting for them.

JapaneseBirdPainting · 12/01/2018 07:10

Okay well, if the Dcs were present at an incident that was SO serious it caused their parents to go nc then it is also putting the child in a pretty dreadful position expecting them to accept(if their parent gives it to them, rather than leaves it at the post office) a gift. It IS manipulating the child, even if given in love and with good intentions. They will of course feel loyalty to their parent and it will cause all sorts of feelings etc. (Been there several times as a child..... my mother periodically went nc with her eldest sister - and should have bloody stuck to it imo- and my aunt would do the same,send presents. It made me feel awful).

[incidentally, when my youngest was born this aunt and my mother were communicating and my aunt sent me a home-made quilt for DS2. I binned it, because it brought up all the old bad feelings of manipulation through the DCs].

Leave it.

JapaneseBirdPainting · 12/01/2018 07:10

Okay well, if the Dcs were present at an incident that was SO serious it caused their parents to go nc then it is also putting the child in a pretty dreadful position expecting them to accept(if their parent gives it to them, rather than leaves it at the post office) a gift. It IS manipulating the child, even if given in love and with good intentions. They will of course feel loyalty to their parent and it will cause all sorts of feelings etc. (Been there several times as a child..... my mother periodically went nc with her eldest sister - and should have bloody stuck to it imo- and my aunt would do the same,send presents. It made me feel awful).

[incidentally, when my youngest was born this aunt and my mother were communicating and my aunt sent me a home-made quilt for DS2. I binned it, because it brought up all the old bad feelings of manipulation through the DCs].

Leave it.

LemonShark · 12/01/2018 07:15

This is very true PinkietheElf. I often think a lot of people would be much happier living by your system rather than the 'family always stick together' one.

If you're NC and kids are too small to have independent relationships then the kids are NC too. You can't be NC while also trying to send gifts. Either you remain NC and respect their right to have no contact from you whatsoever or if you want to break NC you do it openly by contacting the sibling to meet up and talk it through. None of this cloak and dagger gift sending subterfuge!

I empathise, I am NC with a sibling and as such have lost all contact with much loved nephews. It broke and continues to break my heart. The charity stand alone offer amazing support to adults dealing with estrangement.

LemonShark · 12/01/2018 07:16

This is very true PinkietheElf. I often think a lot of people would be much happier living by your system rather than the 'family always stick together' one.

If you're NC and kids are too small to have independent relationships then the kids are NC too. You can't be NC while also trying to send gifts. Either you remain NC and respect their right to have no contact from you whatsoever or if you want to break NC you do it openly by contacting the sibling to meet up and talk it through. None of this cloak and dagger gift sending subterfuge!

I empathise, I am NC with a sibling and as such have lost all contact with much loved nephews. It broke and continues to break my heart. The charity stand alone offer amazing support to adults dealing with estrangement.

ArchchancellorsHat · 12/01/2018 07:19

No, I'd find it intrusive, manipulative, and like you were very deliberately trampling boundaries - a good reason to go NC in itself imo. I wouldn't want it. The sibling is acting in the best interests of her dc if this incident was so serious and took place in front of them. NC is NC.

Original poster
Nolaughingmatter · 12/01/2018 07:23

Bluedog
Sil screamed at my dd after my stepdads funeral because she was upset about something and came to me crying, called dd manipulative and much more (she was 8). She’d had a fair few as she likes her booze (functioning alcoholic?) and has stayed down the pub with my brother. Dumped their kid on my mother (widow) and me - I’m chronically ill. Denied by them. Not the first time sil was horrible to dd. But was the last thanks.

Brother orchestrated an argument with me at the burial of stepdads ashes. I have ME. He wanted me to press a button on his car. I said I’m disabled and couldn’t. I was leant on his car and couldn’t move otherwise I would collapse. Dh has gone to his car momentarily. Brother got in car and drove off, me attached. I predictably fell to the ground. Dh got angry and swore uncharacteristially. Brother said “she’s dead to me”. Never apologised and discussed with my mother what I’m like after the event. ME diagnosis not believed. He denied realising I was there. He drove slowly shall we say. He knew I was there. He could have run me over even so.

Dd 9. Nephew 6. Dd present for both events. Dd petrified of both of them as am I. Nephew only present for first event.

Regular poster btw. Have written about them a lot.

Wanted nephew to know dd or I’d be there for him if ever he needed us.

Wanted a different perspective. Thanks folks

OP posts:
HipNewName · 12/01/2018 07:31

So you chose to go NC based on your sibling's behavior, but sent a Christmas gift to their child and now have hurt feelings about it being rejected. Right?

When you are NC with a someone who is a parent, you also cut their minor children out of your life.

My advice is to get clear in your own head whether or not you want a relationship with this person, and then stick with it. I've been NC with 2 different relatives who both had serious mental health issues (one of them was quite dangerous). NC is sometimes necessary, but it is a really, really big deal.

If there is a way to a have a low key, distant relationship with boundaries, then my experience is that it is better than NC. When it is possible, it takes less energy and creates less drama. If someone is manipulative, narcissistic, a child molester, etc., that isn't possible. Only you know for sure.

ArchchancellorsHat · 12/01/2018 07:35

Sorry, that puts a rather different perspective on things, OP and I'm sorry that I was rather harsh. I'm obviously projecting a bit.
I'd still advise you to drop it though and let NC be NC, for your own good as well.

JapaneseBirdPainting · 12/01/2018 07:37

I recognise your story OP and I know how much it has hurt you over the past several months.

I truly honestly say for your own well-being NC needs to mean NC.

Penfold007 · 12/01/2018 07:40

I remember some of your previous posts. You have gone NC with your B and he with you, respect those choices and don't use your DD as a flying monkey.

HipNewName · 12/01/2018 07:53

I posted at the same time you listed the details. I'm so sorry for your situation.

My sister has bi polar stage 4 and was an absolute nightmare to my DD, who has autism. I was NC for years with my sister for years.

I've always worried about my sister's 3 children. Because I wasn't in contact with them, I let my mother know that if they ever needed a place to live, they could come live with me. My thought was that since she sees them regularly, she was a good person to tell.

It is very sad to not be part of your nieces and nephews lives, and to not be one of the adults in their world that they know is there for them. Especially when you know that the some of the adults in their world are troubled. None the less, there really wasn't an option where I could have contact with my sister and keep my own child emotionally safe, so I put my child first.

Original poster
Nolaughingmatter · 12/01/2018 07:56

Penfold
My dd is not a flying monkey. I have no desire to be in contact with these vile people.

I see the damage that is being done to him by the parenting and I’m helpless. I want him to know my dd or I if I’m still around will be there for him if he ever needs us.

Part of me also sent it because I have been regularly screamed at and had flying monkeys from my mother when I haven’t followed sils rules of gift giving. Which she doesn’t adhere to btw. Not that I’d ever bring that up!

Arch
Honestly it’s fine. I specifically did this to get your responses. I need to understand how their brains work. For my peace of mind.

Thank you for those, who recognise me. Yes, I have had much much pain and heartache.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nolaughingmatter · 12/01/2018 07:58

Hip
Thanks. I am glad you are able to do that through your mother. Unfortunately my mother is part of the problem. The matriarch , who created a son and monster, whose daughter and grand daughter is too frightened to be anywhere near him for genuine personal safety. Not melodrama. My dad died years ago.

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 12/01/2018 08:03

Based on your update really really meant kindly.
Stop torturing yourself. You are nc for valid reasons. Any relationship with neices and nephews is always on their parents terms. You cannot make this happen.
Your dd may well have a relationship with her cousin when they can make contact indepently as teens. But until then just leave it.

Penfold007 · 12/01/2018 08:03

OP simply stop sending gifts then. Your B and SIL sound toxic and vile. NC means just that, enjoy your freedom from their drama.

SouthWestmom · 12/01/2018 08:03

My sister decided to go no contact with me but still try to be a cool auntie to my dc.

I have returned anything sent by her and my kids have no contact.

I have done nothing obvious like shag her husband for example - she just hates me/is jealous/ whatever.

From my pov, fuck off if you can't be civil to me you don't get to play nice with my kids.

So, present giver needs to back off.

Glumglowworm · 12/01/2018 08:03

You chose to go NC but still think you can send presents to your DN?

Nope, I wouldn’t accept that either. I agree with PP that it’s manipulative behaviour especially if you initiated the NC.

MissEliza · 12/01/2018 08:25

I was NC with my very difficult db for a couple of years. My dcs were present for a very difficult scene involving my db which I was very upset about. However we still exchanged gifts via my dps and I would never have refused gifts on behalf of my dcs. I would have been devastated if mine had been refused. I didn't want the dcs involved in our problems. Thank you cards were sent addressed to the dcs. Eg Cousin Jane Thank you for my gift love Cousin Peter.

Original poster
Nolaughingmatter · 12/01/2018 08:26

Glum
Yup that’s me manipulative to the core. No scared or trying to do the right thing so as to help and stop being screamed at by sil or threatened to be decked or punched by my brother.

As I said he’s been sending me a lot of texts and some emails so hasn’t chosen nc with me.

Thanks for the advice AJP and penfold. And others.

OP posts:
LeMesmer · 12/01/2018 08:26

I do sympathise OP having been in a similar situation. But, aside from anything else, your nephew is far too young to understand the meaning of the gift should he receive it. He won't be thinking this is Auntie Nolaughing's way of showing she still cares about me, and she will always be there if I need her. He will be confused as to why he is receiving a gift from someone who he no longer sees, it may even really upset him. The gift, if given , certainly won't be presented to him in a way that puts you in the role of a loving Aunt despite the problems between the parents.

HipNewName · 12/01/2018 08:50

My mother is a bit of a problem too, but I just said it to her and hoped for the best.

I agree with most of the posters that sending gifts to your nephew in the this situation doesn't work. It's OK to grieve the loss of that relationship.

Sometimes, I find it so unfair that my childhood was so dysfunctional, my sister is incapable of normal relationship, and that my parents have never been people that I could count on or trust. Also losing the relationship with my nieces and nephew was another blow, another loss.

My youngest child is 19 and she is now buddies with one of her cousins, which is nice. May be the future will be better.

MissEliza · 12/01/2018 08:51

What kind of texts is he sending you Op?

Gumbo · 12/01/2018 09:02

I'm nc with my brother and have been for many years. He tried to send gifts to my very young dc a long time ago by sending them addressed to dc directly. I refused to allow this and told him that in order to access my dc he would need to go via me - and if he couldn't bring himself to man up and acknowledge what he'd done/apologise etc then he could have no contact with any of us.

I've heard nothing from him since then; tbh though, he had no interest in my dc prior to that and I think was only sending gifts to try to make some sort of point.

I think nc should mean nc, and I wasn't prepared for my dc to question why I never received/sent cards/gifts from him myself - it would just be weird.

I feel for you though, it's a horrible position to be in.

lurkingnotlurking · 12/01/2018 09:02

The child is with the parents at this stage. Hence NC. Sorry. But maybe you can reach out to them in adulthood. I have a sister who repeatedly tried to give presents to my eldest, but I have no interest in having her in my life. So they all got left there at my parents' house. I always thought it strange when another sister would take her child's presents home when she also was NC with the first. It seemed terribly greedy.