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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner giving too much "advice"

53 replies

Tiptopj · 11/01/2018 17:04

I became a mum for the first time 4 weeks ago and my other half has 2 children from a previous relationship who are 13 and 15. He took paternity to leave and has been a great help and had done more than his fair share of feeds, nappy changes and chores round the house. He's been great except for the fact that as he's raised a baby before where as I have no experience of them at all he keeps telling me how to do things with our child and it's frustrating the hell out of me. He believes our child should be able to self soothe after a feed and that if I pick her up for a cuddle to get her to sleep I'm "creating a rod for my own back" (ahhhhh hate that phrase) where as I think that while i shouldn't jump in at every murmur or winge if baby is screaming for a cuddle then i should cuddle! I'm apparently also feeding her too much ( she's on formula and breast) where as my understanding of on demand feeding means just that! The other day I was rocking the crib slightly to get her to settle and again apparently that's wrong as shelk expecr it every time. We went for a walk today and I got the following advice : keep the pram in the middle of the footpath to avoid dog poo, to turn left or right put pressure on the opposite arm, to mount a curb keep the pram straight and watch out for the woman walking towards us ( who was about 10 feet away and in a bright red coat!!!) It might all sound petty but as a new mum I'm not brimming with confidence and being told how to do basic things is so frustrating and I almost feel like I shouldnt attempt to pick my daughter up. I've tried telling him how i feel but as far as he's concerned he's only trying to help me as he's done this before. I know there are lots of mum's who would love a partner who does as much as he does and single mum's who have no one to help at all but am I really being unreasonable to think that as her mother I should be allowed to use some instinct?

OP posts:

thebumblebearbee · 11/01/2018 17:09

I agree with your DP on everything (except the walking with the pram stuff), but especially the 'creating a rod for your own back.'

He should be gentler with you, remembering its your fist time, whilst he's more experienced, but overall I'd listen to him OP. It sounds like you have very different parenting styles. It's most likely going to be a bumpy road ahead.

IrkThePurist · 11/01/2018 17:12

Yanbu. Is he usually that critical? Does he ever show approval?

mumonashoestring · 11/01/2018 17:14

Seriously? I'm not sure you can 'spoil' a baby and tbh all the 'rod for your own back' stuff with babies under 6 months old sets my teeth on edge.

Have you tried gently reminding him that yes, you're a first time mum but you're not daft. Also, yes he's had children previously but not this baby. They're all different and you both need to work out what works and what doesn't when it comes to feeding, soothing etc. There is no single 'magic method'.

Grumpyoldwoman007 · 11/01/2018 17:15

Making a rod for your own back is absolute tosh at this stage! At 4 weeks of age a baby is far too young to be 'spoilt' and self soothing comes later. He might be trying to help but is in fact undermining your self confidence as a new mum. Follow your instincts op

slowsloth · 11/01/2018 17:17

Yanbu This would drive me mad

I also disagree with his advice. Ignore anyone who says you're creating a rod for your own back. It's utter rubbish if said with regards to cuddles and comfort. Follow your instincts. Your partner may have already raised two children but he's never raised this baby before, all babies are different.

slowsloth · 11/01/2018 17:18

Oops, crossed post mumonashoestring

hellsbellsmelons · 11/01/2018 17:19

He believes our child should be able to self soothe after a feed
At 4 weeks old???
Really?
I used to love rocking my DD to sleep after a feed and did it for a good few months.
As a mother you have certain instincts when it comes to your child.
He sounds very patronising!

Lifeisabeach09 · 11/01/2018 17:20

Tell him to shut the hell up!
His 'advice' would drive me insane.

pollythedolly · 11/01/2018 17:22

Jesus. Tell him to wind his neck in (in a nice way) and let you be your daughters mother.

Although, his experience will in no doubt help, micro managing you isn't going to work.

He sounds a good un though

GreenTulips · 11/01/2018 17:24

but overall I'd listen to him OP.

Would you like to be micro managed every minute of every day? Would drive me insane!

How's OPngoinhbto one herbown way and gain confidence with this arse warchelinh and critizing her every move?

OP do what comes naturally -

coffeeandbiscuit · 11/01/2018 17:25

Google 4th Trimester. There is no way to spoil a newborn too much! Pick up and cuddle as much as you want. All you’re going to do is reassure them that you’re there when they need you. It really really doesn’t mean they’re going to expect it every single time! Right now all you’re doing is reassuring the baby who has had a pretty big shock to the system going from the sanctuary and safety of your womb to a big wide world. Even 6 months felt too soon for me. It’s not until around 1 that we started to withdraw ourselves. Today at nearly two our child is confident and happy, and easy to go down. No rod.

Evelynismyformerspyname · 11/01/2018 17:31

You have to pick a screaming baby up! They shouldn't even have to get to the screaming stage without you trying picking them up! Lots of babies have trapped wind or reflux especially after a feed which is agony lying flat - if your dp doesn't know that he's not as experienced and knowledgeable as he thinks. It's also not great for bonding to fail to cuddle a 4 week old who wants to be picked up - a child with strong attachment is far more resilient as they grow older.

I've got 3 kids past the baby stage so that top trumps your dog's 2

Obviously as everyone says his other children are not this baby and they're all different - my dc3 was totally different to dc1 and 2 as a baby and I often joke that he set out to disillusion me about thinking I knew what I was doing. You're both only 4 weeks into being this baby's parents.

Evelynismyformerspyname · 11/01/2018 17:32

DP not dog!

pollythedolly · 11/01/2018 17:35

Dog

Dahlietta · 11/01/2018 17:35

YANBU. Nothing sucks the joy out of new experiences like having someone with you who tells you exactly what's going to happen and how you should react. DS(5) has recently developed a skill in this area in that anything we point out to him (Christmas lights, animals at the zoo, brightly coloured cars) gets the nonchalant response of "I'd already seen that". Your DH needs to bite his tongue and let you work some things out for yourself. Besides, even if he has had two babies before, he doesn't know everything about this one!

user1493413286 · 11/01/2018 17:41

I know how you feel; my DP has an older child and when I was pregnant he could be a bit patronising when I would talk about how I wanted to do things.
I talked to him about it and he’s been quite careful to not come across that way since our DD was born. He’s also acknowledged that our DD is a very different baby to his DD and requires a bit of a different approach. I do find some of his experience useful and to be honest as I’m the one home all day with her I tend to ignore what I don’t agree with or want to do. I also think sometimes he remembers things a bit differently to how DSDs Mum remembers doing things

roundaboutthetown · 11/01/2018 17:44

He may be experienced with babies, but clearly he isn't bright enough to understand that a new mother needs to make her own mistakes.

notgivingin789 · 11/01/2018 17:47

My ex was like this. Very controlling when DS was a newborn. He even hardly allowed me to hold DS, when I had just given birth. He turned out to be an abuser.

prettywhiteguitar · 11/01/2018 17:52

Is he a lot older than you op ? He sounds patronising not helpful!

You totally do what you think, who says he was a great dad when his were newborns

Original poster

Tiptopj · 11/01/2018 18:01

Thank you I really needed the reassurance that I'm not doing everything wrong. He is a good one and he is only doing/advisig on what he feels is best for our daughter but I'm going to follow my instincts and cuddle if I think that's what she needs and let yhe smaller stuff go ( the bloody pram advice just tipped me over the edge today 😂I'm sure most new mums doubt themselves and it's also the problem when ones had children before - 2 new parents would figure it out as they go along. I think once it's just me and her we'll settle into our own rhythme. I'm glad it's you've also said you can't spoil a new born with cuddles as all the books I read agreed with this

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 11/01/2018 18:05

Darling, if you wanted parenting to go exactly the same as with your first two then you should have stayed with your ex. Please remember this is my baby too.

GummyGoddess · 11/01/2018 18:22

Dc slept on me for his first 7 months, I still carry him everywhere as he doesn't like pushchairs, he breastfed whenever he wanted until he decided to wean himself off. I had the same 'rod for your own back' comments as you!

Dc goes into his cot for naps without a single protest daily, sleeps all night without any sleep training as he feels secure in the knowledge that we will be there immediately if he needs us, at nursery they say he's one of the happiest and most relaxed babies there and settled in way faster than average. People often comment on how calm and happy he is when we're out.

Your partner has brought up his two children his way, there's more than one way to bring up a child. With the crying, maybe show him the studies that say leaving them to cry is actually bad for them and doesn't teach self settling at all, the child can teach themselves but you can't do it for them.

Nanny0gg · 11/01/2018 18:23

Darling, if you wanted parenting to go exactly the same as with your first two then you should have stayed with your ex. Please remember this is my baby too.

WTF?

Nanny0gg · 11/01/2018 18:24

Oh!

Pengggwn · 11/01/2018 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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