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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner giving too much "advice"

53 replies

Tiptopj · 11/01/2018 17:04

I became a mum for the first time 4 weeks ago and my other half has 2 children from a previous relationship who are 13 and 15. He took paternity to leave and has been a great help and had done more than his fair share of feeds, nappy changes and chores round the house. He's been great except for the fact that as he's raised a baby before where as I have no experience of them at all he keeps telling me how to do things with our child and it's frustrating the hell out of me. He believes our child should be able to self soothe after a feed and that if I pick her up for a cuddle to get her to sleep I'm "creating a rod for my own back" (ahhhhh hate that phrase) where as I think that while i shouldn't jump in at every murmur or winge if baby is screaming for a cuddle then i should cuddle! I'm apparently also feeding her too much ( she's on formula and breast) where as my understanding of on demand feeding means just that! The other day I was rocking the crib slightly to get her to settle and again apparently that's wrong as shelk expecr it every time. We went for a walk today and I got the following advice : keep the pram in the middle of the footpath to avoid dog poo, to turn left or right put pressure on the opposite arm, to mount a curb keep the pram straight and watch out for the woman walking towards us ( who was about 10 feet away and in a bright red coat!!!) It might all sound petty but as a new mum I'm not brimming with confidence and being told how to do basic things is so frustrating and I almost feel like I shouldnt attempt to pick my daughter up. I've tried telling him how i feel but as far as he's concerned he's only trying to help me as he's done this before. I know there are lots of mum's who would love a partner who does as much as he does and single mum's who have no one to help at all but am I really being unreasonable to think that as her mother I should be allowed to use some instinct?

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 11/01/2018 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 11/01/2018 18:49

I think he needs to brush up on his knowledge of breastfeeding and self-soothing, certainly not for a 1 month old!
Yanbu.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 11/01/2018 18:50

I mean self soothing, breastfeeding fine for a 1 month old of course, but as you said on demand.

BertieBotts · 11/01/2018 19:09

Trying to convince him that you're right (because you read it on the internet) and he's wrong isn't likely to go down very well - it makes people defensive and also he'll feel smugly right because he's been there before. In reality there is no one right way to raise a baby but everyone feels their own approach is perfect.

Instead I think it would be useful to talk to him and say you're feeling criticised and that he needs to back off and give you some space. That you are aware you'll make mistakes - but you'd like the opportunity to make them, and learn from them! Like every first time parent. Like he did with his first. And also, that everyone has different parenting styles, that you don't want to do everything exactly like his ex, and you're hoping that you and he can work together to find your own shared style and learn from each other. But to do that, you've got to trust each other, which means that when he's looking after the baby, you don't criticise or comment, but when you're looking after the baby, he has to offer the same courtesy to you. Tell him it's making you feel small and patronised to be told things as simple as how to push a pushchair, and maybe make an agreement that if you want the other's take on something, you'll ask for it.

It can also be helpful when discussing specific issues, instead of insisting it needs to be done X way, decide what is important to you about your way and explain this. So perhaps "It's important to me that we don't leave her crying unnecessarily. That's why I don't mind cuddling her after a feed." That gives him a chance to explain what is important to him, e.g. he might feel it's important she doesn't get too dependent on being held so that you need to hold her 24/7. Then you can actually discuss from there - whether you also agree with this or disagree, and hopefully find something in the middle which meets both of your goals.

I would be wary of just waiting until he goes back to work and doing it your way, this could end up a bit you vs him and it would be beneficial to all of you if you can find a way to discuss issues like this, otherwise it's just going to come up the same again and again and be frustrating if he expects to always have the final say all the time.

Remember that parenting might not be new to him, but this baby is new to both of you, and what works for one won't necessarily work for another anyway so you will need to work to find your balance with your new baby.

Good luck!

zeebeee · 11/01/2018 19:12

YANBU. You cannot cuddle a baby too much. A young baby does not have the capacity to self soothe. We expect way too much independence too young in western society. Keep listening to your instincts and comforting your baby OP!

WellThisIsShit · 11/01/2018 20:02

“Darling, if you wanted parenting to go exactly the same as with your first two then you should have stayed with your ex. Please remember this is my baby too.”

Ha! Perfect Grin To he said in ones head if not in person unless severely tested!

But really, he’s probably enjoying being helpful and The Expert and general Font Of All Wisdom, but really, what exactly does he expect to happen here?!

Like the buggy running commentary, what precisely did he think would be the difference with or without his fabulously essential advice? Did he expect you to fall off the pavement, crash into the red decoated woman and tip out your new born into the path of an oncoming cyclist whilst lying on the pavement screaming ‘oh god oh god I just didn’t know how to walk forwards arrrrgggghhh!’????

Did he reallly expect his advice to be That Important????

Maybe ask him (nicely, at least nicer than me!), next time he gives this type of ridiculous running commentary advice exactly why he thinks it’s important to say all that to you? Like, why does he think you are incapable of working anything out on your own? And what does he think he’s telling you he thinks about your ability to think/ be a basic functioning adult/ form any kind of relationship with your baby?

He’s probably got carried away with ‘being helpful’ but if he continues it’s going to start coming across like he thinks he needs to protect the baby from you, and that’s all kinds of bad.

New baby, new mother, stop with the obsessive advice and worse, the correcting of your every move.

LannieDuck · 11/01/2018 21:49

Reminds me of Hyacinth Bucket with her husband driving the car - "Mind the tree Richard!", "Minding the tree dear...." ;)

Ohyesiam · 11/01/2018 23:15

Tell him it's a rod of pleasure.
Ask him to see of he can not give you any instructions for the next 10 minutes. He won't be and to and you can jump down his throat. He will soon become aware of when he's doing it and the effect it has on you.

Pannacott · 11/01/2018 23:35

Join some gentle parenting / attachment parenting groups on Facebook, they sound more your style (quite right too!) There will be lots of links to research and professional opinions illustrating the value of your approach. There will also be lots of people posting about their partner who does not understand, with advice and support about managing that. Good luck, you've got this!

TammySwansonTwo · 12/01/2018 05:21

Amazing - he's dadsplaining!

DH and I had no children before our twins were born and we've still had disagreements about how to handle things but he understands that I do the majority of the childcare so I get to decide how best to handle the small stuff. I've spent the last 16 months doubting myself over most things, unfortunately that's part of being a parent I think, but it's super difficult when someone is making you feel like you're doing things wrong. I think you need to discuss it as otherwise this sillkust continue.

TammySwansonTwo · 12/01/2018 05:21

*will just

LunchBoxPolice · 12/01/2018 05:32

She's 4 weeks old, you can't "spoil" her. Cuddle her as much as you want, it's your bloody back and rod.
Congratulations btw Grin

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/01/2018 05:41

Several things leap out for me....

4 week old babies CANT self soothe!!

And, different babies will need different strategies.... You'll learn to fine tune what you do as you get to know eachother..

Your DP is not an 'expert' to dispense advice... You BOTH need to get to know your new baby... And congratulations by the way Flowers....

Being told to not dance through dog poo and knock brightly dressed neighbours over would have my hackles raised and my teeth itch!!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/01/2018 05:48

Get your DP to look up attachment parenting...

Pluckedpencil · 12/01/2018 06:06

It's posts like this when I realised how calm and kind some people are to their partners. I would have gone nuts and shouted by the third piece of advice!!!

ShoesHaveSouls · 12/01/2018 06:13

I agree you can't cuddle a baby too much, and one month olds can't self-soothe.

My sil did proper attachment parenting - it's not for everyone, I know - but, I swear, that baby never cried. She's the sweetest natured little thing now. I don't think you can 'spoil' a baby with cuddles and affection.

BashStreetKid · 12/01/2018 06:28

He needs to bear in mind that his memories of his children's babyhood won't be perfect. He probably remembers them self-soothing but hasn't remembered that that didn't start till they were quite a bit older.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 12/01/2018 06:45

Why not discuss this together with the health visitor for impartial advice. This may be a gentler way to get him to see that advice changes over the years and what may have been advised 13 years ago is different now I.e. Soothing, cuddling etc

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/01/2018 07:10

I wouldn’t ask the HV without sounding them out. If they agree with him he’ll be unbearable.

Evelynismyformerspyname · 12/01/2018 12:47

Fluffy leaving a 4 week old to self sooth and not picking them up was not recommended 13 years ago - maybe 73 years ago... That advice is the DP's personal preference or something someone he trusted told him was correct, but was not standard advice 13 years ago!

ToastyFingers · 12/01/2018 13:25

His advice on self-soothing is very outdated and no professional worth their salt would agree with him.

The pram thing is just bizzare, pushing a pram takes a bit of getting used to, but isn't something that requires a play-by-play.

Advice changes, and his is clearly out-dated.

user1471495191 · 12/01/2018 13:31

Is he still on paternity leave? Look forward to the day you can cheerfully wave him off back to work Wink

Stitchit · 12/01/2018 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrokenHollandaise · 12/01/2018 15:18

DP has 2 older children as well and DD is my first so I asked him lots of things and kept getting told "I don't remember so we'll figure it out"

He did remember fine he just didn't want me feeling like he was telling me what to do.

cherryontopp · 12/01/2018 15:41

Tell him to whind his neck in!

He had babies 13 years ago and a lot has changed since then. I would gently remind him this is your first baby and you need to fund your own way. Also each child is different.
I couldnt handle it, not just being patronized but constantly reminded that my DP has been through it all before with someone else. You obviously know this fact but still, dont need constant reminders!

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