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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask for a day off work to look after my kids on inset day?

72 replies

lorenlukemum · 11/01/2018 08:50

Despite being a driver I took a job in a primary school kitchen so l could be at home when my kids need me. I hate my job for so many reasons, including that it causes me physical pain, but I hide how I feel as I've always had a good reputation for my work ethic and I don't want to make things worse.

The problem is that now my kids have both moved up to secondary school our holidays and inset days don't always match. I don't have any family living locally any more, my husband works shifts and my friends are all working, and we can't afford a childminder.

I recently gave my manager two weeks notice of an inset day, initially she was supportive, but now she's suggesting that my kids should be old enough to leave on their own. My daughter is 14 and my son is 12.

I feel that my daughter is responsible enough to leave and I have left her on her own for short periods of time before, but I don't feel like my son is quite ready and it wouldn't be fair to expect my 14 yr old to take responsibility for him. I would do it if they were only going to be alone for an hour or so, but I'll be out for at least 4 hours. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 11/01/2018 08:53

I think a lot of 14 year olds are perfectly capable of "watching" their 12 year old brother for a few hours. Hell, I was babysitting neighbour's kids and getting paid for it when I was 13. I was certainly left alone for a few hours when I was 12 too.

Handsfull13 · 11/01/2018 08:54

Ynbu to ask for a day off if it's taking a days holiday.
We leave our dss14 all day for inset days and have done for the last few years but his dad works 5mins from home so could get there in an emergency. Only you know your child and whether they can cope alone. Honestly with it only being 4 hours I would go to work. But if your taking holiday then your boss shouldn't be getting involved in why you want the day.

RB68 · 11/01/2018 08:54

Sorry but yes. Unless they are likely to end in a full on fight 12 is more than old enough to leave in day time for 4 hrs

Other alternatives are that 14 yr old goes to a mate leaving 12 yr old home alone no risk of fall out

12 yr old goes to a mates ditto

Its 4 hours. I wouldn't leave my 12 yr old all day purely as would feel guilty - she would happily stay in on her own for the day or pop to her friends round the corner for an hr or so and is responsible with key & locking up etc

MurielsBottom · 11/01/2018 08:56

In response to your thread title - YANBU to ask, however listening to your explanation I do think you are being a little over protective. I think a 14 year old is perfectly capable of looking after themself for a day, probably most twelve year olds too.

How long is your working day?

kaytee87 · 11/01/2018 08:56

If your kids get on ok and don't need a referee then they will be fine at home together

Glumglowworm · 11/01/2018 08:57

Unless they’re going to fight or there’s SEN then 12 and 14 is old enough to be left for 4 hours for the vast majority of children

ZanyMobster · 11/01/2018 08:57

At 12 he should be old enough to leave for 4 hours, my DS is 11 and I could leave him alone if I needed to, with a 14 around they shouldn't really need to be responsible for him either as it shouldn't be necessary.

If you take a job in a school I don't think you can't expect time off during term time TBH, it's just one of those things. In my job (not a school) I cannot take the first 5 working days of the month off, I knew that when I took it, obviously emergencies are different of course but never holidays. It can be frustrating though so I do get it.

MurielsBottom · 11/01/2018 08:57

Oh sorry -= just seen the four hours. I would and have left my 14 and 12 year old for this amount of time and longer actually.

user789653241 · 11/01/2018 08:58

I think 14 & 12 year old alone for few hours seems totally fine. You can give 14 years old some pocket money for taking responsibility for 12, if you think it's unfair, maybe?

FlakeBook · 11/01/2018 08:58

I think that unless there are SEN, a 12 and 14 year old should be fine. Children that age don't really go to childminders and usually go out into town with their friends etc.

My ten year old is ok for an hour.

Do they have a phone in case of emergency?

MotherCupboard · 11/01/2018 08:59

Why on earth would a 12 and 14yo need a childminder?

TrinitySquirrel · 11/01/2018 09:00

They are 100% old enough to be left alone.

Ginmummy1 · 11/01/2018 09:00

I think YABU expecting to get a day off while the school is open if you work in a school. However, your manager is BU telling you to leave your kids home alone, as it’s not up to her to decide whether they are safe to be left. She should not be involved in the details: you do have to find appropriate cover so you can be at work that day.

Can your husband take the time off? Can someone from your family come and look after them? (I know they don’t live locally, but you could offer to pay their travel costs / have them over for a couple of days) Does your son have a friend he can go to see while you’re at work? Failing that, you may have to pay someone to keep an eye on them, even if finances are tight.

You have to find a solution that means you can work that day.

LyraPotter · 11/01/2018 09:01

I would have thought that at 12 and 14 your kids could be left alone for 4 hours but you obviously know them and know whether they would behave themselves!

How come you aren't allowed to take a day of holiday? It seems unreasonable that you aren't being allowed when you gave plenty of notice

ilovesooty · 11/01/2018 09:01

You work a term time contract and presumably the rest of the team takes up the slack if you are absent.
I think you are being unreasonable to expect time off for this - surely your children can be left for four hours at their age, assuming no additional needs.

Flomper · 11/01/2018 09:01

i agree with her im afraid. 14 and 12 should be fine for 4 hours, you can facetime them etc to keep an eye during breaks. I could leave my 12y old in front of his xbox and hed still be there 4 hours later!

WorraLiberty · 11/01/2018 09:02

You haven't said why your 12 year old son is 'not quite ready' to be left alone (or with his sibling) for 4 hours?

The answer to that might make all the difference here.

ilovesooty · 11/01/2018 09:03

Lyra you don't usually get to take holidays in term time if you work in a school.

3awesomestars · 11/01/2018 09:04

I have a 14 and 12 year old and would definitely leave them for 4 hours, I would leave them longer if needed.

But, only you know your kids and if there are SEN or learning difficulties then it is a different situation, if not maybe a bit over protective and time to let go a little and give them some responsibility.
My boys argue when I am here but they are fine when on their own and enjoy the trust and responsibility, they are both capable of making food, although they are not allowed to use the gas hob when I am not there they can use oven/microwave.
Maybe your employer would agree to you having your phone in your pocket that day for peace of mind.

FlouncyDoves · 11/01/2018 09:04

They’ll probably be fine. Unless your 12 yr old has SEN or something.

Just leave them in front of the tv. 4 hrs is the length of two films.

stickytoffeevodka · 11/01/2018 09:08

They'll be fine on their own for a few hours. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask but you really don't need childcare for 12 and a 14 year old for a few hours.

BarbaraofSevillle · 11/01/2018 09:12

Sounds like the perfect opportunity for the 12 YO to gain experience of looking after himself and not being a nuisance to his sister for a few hours.

Chances are that they'll both spend the time looking at their favourite screens and will barely notice that you're not there. Or they can have a mate round or go to their mates houses, seeing as their school is off.

Don't they take themselves to and from school by themselves anyway, so are not unused to some independence?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 11/01/2018 09:14

If you want a holiday, you request a holiday and if the business can support the holiday you get it. It isn't up to your manager to assess the reason for that holiday and sign it off if it meets their criteria. So in that sense YANBU.

But yes, of course a 12 yo and a 14 yo can be left for four hours, barring SEN or an inability to actually be in the same room alone without WW3 breaking out. So in that sense YABU.

Fluffyears · 11/01/2018 09:16

We were left alone at 10 & 8 but back lettuce n the 80’s that was fine. We never burned house down at that age so I think your kids will be fine.

Gottagetmoving · 11/01/2018 09:16

Only you know if your children are ok to leave alone at their ages. My children were fine at that age. I was a single parent so they were both capable even younger than that because I had to teach them to be.
It's not unreasonable to ask for the time off if you are worried.

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