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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for a day off work to look after my kids on inset day?

72 replies

lorenlukemum · 11/01/2018 08:50

Despite being a driver I took a job in a primary school kitchen so l could be at home when my kids need me. I hate my job for so many reasons, including that it causes me physical pain, but I hide how I feel as I've always had a good reputation for my work ethic and I don't want to make things worse.

The problem is that now my kids have both moved up to secondary school our holidays and inset days don't always match. I don't have any family living locally any more, my husband works shifts and my friends are all working, and we can't afford a childminder.

I recently gave my manager two weeks notice of an inset day, initially she was supportive, but now she's suggesting that my kids should be old enough to leave on their own. My daughter is 14 and my son is 12.

I feel that my daughter is responsible enough to leave and I have left her on her own for short periods of time before, but I don't feel like my son is quite ready and it wouldn't be fair to expect my 14 yr old to take responsibility for him. I would do it if they were only going to be alone for an hour or so, but I'll be out for at least 4 hours. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
AlexanderHamilton · 11/01/2018 09:18

Agree you can ask for holiday but unless one of them has SEN it's plenty old enough to leave at home on an inset day.

Mind you a parent at ds's school who was moaning about a snow day on Twitter told me I deserved to have social services called for leaving Ds who is 13 in year 9 home.

halcyondays · 11/01/2018 09:22

Depends on how they get on, if they fight. Either would be ok on their own for four hours. I wouldn't have thought the 12 year old would need much looking after from the 14 year old though?

AnachronisticCorpse · 11/01/2018 09:25

I have a 15 and 13yo and if I left them at home together there would be bloodshed.

We only go out alone if the 13yo is elsewhere.

Can you arrange for your youngest to go round a friends house?

flowery · 11/01/2018 09:27

If you work in a primary school kitchen presumably you don't get paid holiday you can take during term time, so it would be unpaid leave anyway? In which case surely the expense of dropping 4 hours' pay is worth exploring other options?

Most children that age would be fine for 4 hours, but if there's a reason why yours won't be, look into them going to a friend's house or something?

HolyShet · 11/01/2018 09:29

YNBU to apply for the leave
But they really should manage for 4 hours.

Willow2017 · 11/01/2018 09:30

He isnt on his own though is he? His sister will be there. Its only 4 hours they should be able to survive 4 hours at that age.
At 14 she can step up for 4 hours and be in charge of her brother now and again and he will learn independence too.
As long as you set rules they will be fine.
Its a scary thought the first time but you will all be fine.

lalalalyra · 11/01/2018 09:30

How long will they likely be up for?

On an inset day at 12 mine wouldn't have surfaced until 11ish cutting down the amount of "watching" time needed.

GU24Mum · 11/01/2018 09:30

If you really don't want to leave them (I'd be fine with it tbh and leave my 13 year old for a few hours if I'm working and the younger ones are at a club) then can't you see if they can go to a friend and you can have those children back in the school holidays?

W0rriedMum · 11/01/2018 09:31

We were always better behaved when left than we were when parents were around! I would go to work and leave them..

ApacheEchidna · 11/01/2018 09:32

If your Ts&Cs allow you to take days off during term time then ywnbu to have a day off for this.

However, most jobs in schools that are term-time only do not have the option for this as all your annual leave entitlement is to be taken in school holidays.

Schools may have the discretion to allow occasional days off in exceptional circumstances. I don't think that inset days for a 12yo are sufficiently exceptional. It's only 4 hours and there are plenty of ways a 12 yo can stay out of mischief for that length of time.

SoupDragon · 11/01/2018 09:33

I think that for 4 hours, I’d leave them alone. Although you know your children best, obviously.

As it is one day, it’s probably a good opportunity to see how they manage.

HermioneAndMsJones · 11/01/2018 09:38

I wouldn’t leave my 12 and 14 yo for the whole day at home on their own. Mainly because I’ve done that as a child and it was the most boring thing ever!!
Plus, unlike some posters, my dcs would Be rearing to go out by 9.00am so it wouod end up being a loooong day for them.

However, I think the issue is whether you can take some days off like this and choose them or if it’s an issue of the management being kind and giving some extra days off in effect. (I hope I’m making sense there!).
If it’s the first, then they dint have a say in why you are choosing that particular day. You arectaking your hols.
If the second, then I can see why they would think they dont have to and it’s unnecessary. Because by all account, it seems that as a society we consider that a 12yo is old enough to stay at home all day, everyday for the whole 6 weeks of the summer hols for example. (Note: it’s doesnt mean that is actually the case!!)

mrsm43s · 11/01/2018 09:39

12 and 14 definitely old enough to be left alone for 4 hours. If you are not comfortable with that, then it's your responsibility to arrange childcare/activities for them. Not your employer's responsibility to facilitate your preference, but your responsibility to make arrangements, whilst ensuring you still fulfill your obligations to your employer and turn up to work. YABU.

InsomniacAnonymous · 11/01/2018 09:46

HermioneAndMsJones It's not 'all day' it's 4 hours.

Coldilox · 11/01/2018 09:48

YABU. At 14 I was regularly babysitting for my neighbours 3 kids (6,5 and 3) for 4 hours at a time.

For 4 hours a 12 year old is capable of amusing themselves.

idontknowhowtofeelaboutthis · 11/01/2018 09:50

When I turned 14, I had a 2 month old sister.
My mum was absolutely fine with me babysitting in the evening or taking her out for the day (when she was at least over 6 months though).
My mum liked to go out sometimes on a Friday or Saturday night. So I would put my sister to bed and get her up in the morning.

So I would absolutely leave a 14 and 12 year old together.

SkyIsTooHigh · 11/01/2018 09:52

If he really really can't be left alone then I think you should try and find money for a childminder. Surely losing 4 hours' pay will cost similar ballpark to 4 hours' childminding. Or do you have holiday allowance on top of school hols, in which case YANBU to ask?

There also might be a compromise where you do slightly shorter hours or take 10 mins out to phone them. I think most 12 year olds would much rather stay home with all their stuff than be dragged out to a childminder's with a load of toddlers, but that alone would be quite a good motivation for him to prove to you that he can be trusted.

It is your call and you know him best, but I think you might be frowned on at work for insisting he can't be left.

RedPanda2 · 11/01/2018 09:55

I don't think requesting annual leave that you are entitled to is unreasonable, and I certainly never give a reason why I want to use it when requesting it unless it's very short notice.

You know you children and if they'll be safe. 14 is probably OK but I agree with you - is it fair to ask your daughter look after him?

mrsm43s · 11/01/2018 09:56

But the thing is, surely it's irrelevant anyway as to whether or not they are old enough to be left. It is her responsibility to arrange childcare. If her contract states no term time days off, then that's what it is. The fact that she doesn't want to leave them at home, be they 2 and 4 or 12 and 14 is her problem to solve, not the employers. Whilst special days may be allowed off for exceptional circumstances, childcare is not exceptional, it's a very routine thing that is the parent's responsibility to arrange.

Personally, I'd suggest arranging for them to go to a friend/family member, or perhaps book an activity (e.g a squash court for them to play squash or a gym session or going swimming etc) to break up the time. Or just tell them to do their homework. It's only 4 hours.

BeyondThePage · 11/01/2018 09:57

If the children don't have any additional needs or disabilities it would probably do them good to be "home alone" from time to time. Builds independence.

(parenting of children without additional needs is all about raising them to become independent adults and leave home!)

Mine probably wouldn't notice I'd gone! Bed til 11, breakfast, shower and phone catch up til 12, walk/play with dog/do "chores" til 1, "what's for lunch mum.... mum...MUUUUUUUUUM..." - oh yes she's at work... back on phone...

MirandaWest · 11/01/2018 09:59

I have a 14 year old and a 12 year old and would be fine to leave them for 4 hours and would leave them for longer too. But they have built up to that over a number of years - how long is your 12 year old usually on their own for?

Willow2017 · 11/01/2018 09:59

They arent alone all day though Hermione. Its only 4 hrs. If a 12 and 14 yr old cant manage that (health issues notwithstanding) there is something far wrong.

Kids dont need to be entertained by adults all day every day. Its good for them to be 'bored' and use thier imagination to amuse themselves.
Also take some responsibility for feeding themselves and even doing a bit of housework.
Some of us have no choice but to leave our kids sometimes. Work isnt always accomodating or understanding about childcare.

My 15 year old happily spends the whole day at home if we go somewhere he isnt interested in and has done for a year. He spends the day gaming with friends on various devices and manages to feed himself too. He also runs the hoover round. Kids should enjoy a bit of independence by that age.

lilybetsy · 11/01/2018 10:25

Blimey - great for those who says its 'too boring' for their kids to be at home all day ... some of us HAVE to work, so boring or not, kids of that age have to cope ... IMO they are more than old enough to manage alone and you are being unreasonable to expect to get time off to 'look after' them as if they were toddlers ...

TheHungryDonkey · 11/01/2018 10:27

It's unreasonable to take a day off for this when you work in a school. With the exception of funerals, illness and other emergencies, it's not a workplace that has a taking a taking a day off is fine environment.

Thingvellir · 11/01/2018 13:03

It's not a whole day, only 4 hours, so surprised the 12yo can't be left, but you know your DCs limits best.

I think YWBU to take the day off though - if you really can't leave the 12yo, I'd sort him going to a friends house - you'll have plenty of opportunities to return the favour in school holiday time when you are on leave