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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about OH’s parents expectations....

81 replies

Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 10/01/2018 18:42

OH parents live down South, but are due to come and stay with us at the wknd. They have only ever met our son once (7wks old, he’s now 2) when we went to visit them. Contact with LO has been sporadic and only ever through FaceTime since.
They have mentioned a few times that they are going to take LO out for the day on their own, I feel this is ridiculous as he has never really met them, he is super clingy with me and often even shys away from his dad. I feel so anxious about this suggestion.
We have also had a trip to a&e over the wknd as LO was so poorly, he’s on antibiotics and still recovering from a nasty infection.
Surely it makes sense that we would all do something together, seen as they are only here for one full day? It just seems a bit unrealistic to me.
Am I being ridiculous about the situation?

OP posts:
altiara · 10/01/2018 20:00

YANBU.
I’d go for the polite approach you suggested ... we’re planning xxxx. But if DH throws you under the bus, then I’d be furious enough to say no, sorry - DS doesn’t know you.

bumsnet I think that still happens but people only post about situations they want help with. Eg I’m not going to post about my MIL who I get on well with, ask her to come on holidays, arrange with her to look after one or other of the DCs in the School hols, FaceTime weekly etc. And on the other side - there have been threads recently about grandparents not helping with childcare and posters are told it’s not the grandparent responsibility.

Hebenon · 10/01/2018 20:02

Such melodrama. Just make an effort to treat people like human beings and not like dispensing machines for sex or grandchildren, and you’ll be just fine.

This! Well said.

Bumsnetnetbums · 10/01/2018 20:08

True alt.
No melodrama here. Im not thick thanks. I know how to treat people and not view them as baby or sex dispensers. What and odd idea. Is handwringing the same as pearl clutching please do tell Hmm

MrsKoala · 10/01/2018 20:11

We had something similar op. Pils didn't see ds1 till he was 4mo and we took him up to see them. They never ever visited us once (didn't even come to our wedding). We saw them about 3 times a year and their house was a total deathtrap - i was always on alert when there as MIL was a hoarder and they left things like poison on saucers in the corner of rooms and would just smile and lift it up when i asked them to move at as ds1 was crawling and then i'd look back and it would be there again! Anyway, when ds1 was about 1 Mil suggested we leave ds1 there for the weekend. DH was all like 'great'. ERRR NO FUCKING WAY!

Like your DH mine says what gets him least trouble and will then do a complete about turn and say something different putting me on the spot. So i would make it clear numerous times on journeys up there what would and would not be happening and what would happen if he said it was okay after agreeing with me that it wasn't.

I even said things like 'you know you have form for changing your mind and putting me on the spot by going against what we have agreed? Well it wont be happening this time and if it does i will be leaving with ds1 immediately'. Just to be crystal that i had the measure of the whole dynamics and wasn't playing the game they played.

Good luck

vwlphb · 10/01/2018 20:14

Is handwringing the same as pearl clutching please do tell

No, handwringing is moaning about something that’s likely to never happen, while pearl-clutching is acting horrified at perfectly reasonable behavior, eg not wanting to send your sick toddler out for a day with people he barely knows.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 10/01/2018 20:14

YANBU he doesn’t know them and is shy but even if he was more outgoing I would be reluctant to allow this. Why do they want to take him out on their own? I mean they don’t really know him either and if they’ve only met him once in 2 years they aren’t involved in his life and presumably haven’t been interested so far.

NotAChristmasCakePop · 10/01/2018 20:21

YNBU - not a chance in hell!

OnTheRise · 10/01/2018 20:23

They're being ridiculous.

Don't let them take your son out without you. If you're not absolutely sure your partner has your back here, if you need to go out of the room while they're visiting take your son with you.

It sounds dreadful. Perhaps make plans with your partner and fill the day so they don't have a chance.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/01/2018 20:26

They’re idiots and for that reason alone they’d not be taking my kids out on their own.

Memorise what Willow said...

X we discussed this already and both decided it wasnt fair on ds to expect him to go with your parents as he doesnt know them. Have you lost your back bone somewhere or do you think your parents demands are more important than the needs of your son who has never actually met them properly and was in hospital last weekend and still not 100% recovered?" "He is not going alone with them and that the end of it."

...but warn him beforehand that if he puts you on the spot you will NOT hestitate to have this out with him in front of his parents.

unstuckagain · 10/01/2018 20:27

I wouldn't consider it for a second!

ThreeOwlsInATrenchcoat · 10/01/2018 20:42

bumsnet, there is a huge difference between a GM making a regular effort to spend time with and get to know her GC and respecting the wishes and parental knowledge of her DIL, and deciding to play at being the helpful GM when it suits her regardless of the child's needs or comfort.
My MIL is amazing with my DD, and has looked after her regularly since she was a baby. My DH, MIL, and I decide between all of us when DD will next spend time alone with her, and, importantly, DD asks to see her a lot. That is the difference.

OP, YANBU, of course, and your DP is in desperate need of a backbone. I agree with PPs saying that you need to speak to him in advance, and warn that if he tries to drop you in it you will take your DS out and he can deal with his DPs.

greenlynx · 10/01/2018 20:43

To be honest, I wouldn't leave them with LO even at your house, while you cook dinner. It doesn't sound like they understand little children very well and they have history.

meandmytinfoilhat · 10/01/2018 20:49

No. He doesn't know them and they don't know him.

Original poster
Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 10/01/2018 21:58

Thank you so much lovely people!
Anxious attachment?! Really?! My son goes to his grandmas once a week and nursery twice a week.....difference is he knows these people as they have been a constant in his life from day one. I have no quarms about leaving him with people he knows and I trust, he doesn’t know these people and from what I know, it’s not exactly good! Hell..I’ve only met them twice!
My son is clingy as that’s just his nature, he’s shy and quite introvert like his mum, I’m his security and I don’t see that as an issue.
I’ve had a good chat with my OH and he knows it ain’t happening! We are going to plan an afternoon out (all together) and everyone is going to get on and bloody enjoy it! I’ve told my OH if he dares undermine me on the day, I will be scooping the little fella up and be going out just the two of us Smile

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/01/2018 22:12

Bumsnetnetbums - yes they have had children before - 30 years ago. I have personally watched GPs let go of my very fast toddler's hand on a busy road, with no clue that said child was a dasher, not knowing as I did that people have been run over on that busy road. That is just one real life example. Another one was them not supervising a toddler near a barbeque. I couldn't trust them. A five year old is a different story. My point is OP's ILs don't know him and are not used to looking after two year olds currently. I would have trusted them more in my own home which was set up for toddlers with me in earshot, than out and about for a whole day (tiring for a 2 year old anyway)It's not getting at MILs in general. That's not being precious, its common sense. I'm sure you will be a good MIL BTW.

greenlynx · 10/01/2018 22:13

Well done!

NeversayNever2 · 10/01/2018 22:19

Great you know he will crumble.. Brilliant assume he will and put him right back on that spot!!!

Oh but darling!we had a huge chat about this literally ten minutes ago you said absolutely not et I.. Grin

NeversayNever2 · 10/01/2018 22:26

Mrs koala it's great to hear other people have dh like mine and have also been subjected to similar chats before visits!
S

CheshireChat · 10/01/2018 22:31

Also, since your DS was quite poorly and he's fairly clingy anyway, would I fuck send with anyone before he's 100%, especially if I was that extra bit of security for him.

Mine isn't like that (very much nature rather than nurture), but unless it was something that I had to do, I'd still keep him around and make an extra fuss of him.

Original poster
Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 10/01/2018 22:32

Urgh! Just dreading the whole wknd!
Luckily I have lots of gin and prosecco, courtesy of Christmas! Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 10/01/2018 22:39

Mrskoala and neversaynever2.....
I always have these chats with my OH, the chat after the one relating to this discussion was ‘don’t you dare think your sloping off to the pub with your dad and leaving me with your mother’! MIL had form of being very nice to my face but slagging me off to OH sister! Oh the joys!

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 10/01/2018 22:40

I'm glad your DH understands your very reasonable and sensible decision and will back it.

His parents are strangers to your 2 year old. And that's entirely on them.

Parenting isn't always easy, and he needs to step up and act like one and back you up on this firmly. Your family comes first.

Bumsnetnetbums · 11/01/2018 06:58

Op in ypur first post you said you were very anxious thats where i came from. And yes babies can have anxious attachment if their mum cant contain their babys emotions and their own anxieties.
From later posts this doesnt sound like you.
I am prob less concerned about leaving a toddler as Ive had 5. You get less worried with each one. I was totally like you with my first and he remains clingy. Just thought it worth a mention.
Duck fair enough.
I have no support re family. Id be grateful for that interest. But horses for courses it sounds like youve made the right decision for you.

FireCracker2 · 11/01/2018 07:08

Why does your D's shy sesy from his dad? Do you not let him take him out unsupervised either?

FireCracker2 · 11/01/2018 07:12

All this about pils not making the effort! How about you make the effort of getting off your arse and visiting them? Sounds like they have travelled twice?