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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about OH’s parents expectations....

81 replies

Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 10/01/2018 18:42

OH parents live down South, but are due to come and stay with us at the wknd. They have only ever met our son once (7wks old, he’s now 2) when we went to visit them. Contact with LO has been sporadic and only ever through FaceTime since.
They have mentioned a few times that they are going to take LO out for the day on their own, I feel this is ridiculous as he has never really met them, he is super clingy with me and often even shys away from his dad. I feel so anxious about this suggestion.
We have also had a trip to a&e over the wknd as LO was so poorly, he’s on antibiotics and still recovering from a nasty infection.
Surely it makes sense that we would all do something together, seen as they are only here for one full day? It just seems a bit unrealistic to me.
Am I being ridiculous about the situation?

OP posts:
DPotter · 10/01/2018 19:24

I’m with Jedenfalls - agree trips out with DH, book tickets if required and warn him that if he doesn’t back you up, there will be hell to pay.

Next time they mention taking him out, challenge them - no we’re all going out together. Where do you want to go, we’ll book tickets /restaurant. Don’t let them put you in the spot. If they try on the day, say that’s not what we agreed and we’re all going together. If you’re worried about it causing a bad atmosphere, worry not,
. They aren’t worried about upsetting you, so clearly it’s the way they work

If nothing else, they won’t know the area so you need to be showing them around.

another20 · 10/01/2018 19:24

There’s a big back story really, lots of problems in the family (OH’s) lots of falling out between them, very volatile people etc

Keep away from these people - you dont need them in your life.

Expect nothing. The least contact you have the least stress you will have.

I would have a very tight itinary this weekend that involves all of you and maybe others to dilute any tension.

blueskyinmarch · 10/01/2018 19:25

It is very unlikely a 2 year old would go off willingly with people he barely knows. I rather suspect when your IL's realise this they will back off with this suggestion and agree for you all to go out together without you having to be too strenuous in your objections. It sounds like they wouldn't want to entertain a clingy, crying difficult child all day and it is likely that is what they would be faced with.

AdalindSchade · 10/01/2018 19:27

Anxious attachment? Bumsnet have a word with yourself.

rothbury · 10/01/2018 19:31

Sounds like you have a DP problem.

Warn him in advance if he tries to put you on the spot you will flounce.

Your young child has been very unwell, it's totally acceptable to say you don't want to be separated from them at this time. They don't get to call the shots.

Willow2017 · 10/01/2018 19:32

OH has a nasty habit of being on board but then putting me on the spot, kind of just pacifying me until I’m in the moment then putting me in a really shitty situation!

Make sure he is up to speed and under no illusions as to whats happening at the week end and if he drops you in it...

"X we discussed this already and both decided it wasnt fair on ds to expect him to go with your parents as he doesnt know them. Have you lost your back bone somewhere or do you think your parents demands are more important than the needs of your son who has never actually met them properly and was in hospital last weekend and still not 100% recovered?" "He is not going alone with them and that the end of it."

Bumsnetnetbums · 10/01/2018 19:32

Wasnt being nasty honestly. And yes it does happen babies do pick up on anxiety.
Not trying to pathologise the ops clingy baby as being a huge issue just thought it was worth a mention.
Op do whats right for you.

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 10/01/2018 19:33

I would imagine your dc will be very vocally against leaving you - what do they have in mind? Gaffer tape? I wouldn't be too worried it will happen!!

MiddleClassProblem · 10/01/2018 19:33

People say just say “no” like it’s that easy, particularly when it’s OH’s family and they’re volatile.

I would probably use the fact that he’s been really poorly as a reason to be altogether and also say about him being clingy as a result (even if he’s clingy anyway otherwise they will say he needs to be away from you to not be clingy).

MrsEl · 10/01/2018 19:38

They ABU for assuming that would be ok! I imagine most parents would not be ok with it. Just be honest and politely tell them that you're not comfortable with that yet.

greenlynx · 10/01/2018 19:38

YANBU. Big "No", your LO is very young, they are strangers to him, and he is recovering from nasty infection so probably a day out would be too much for him anyway.
You might be "pleasantly surprised " , it might be all talk to impress you. They don't sound as very keen GPs if they met LO only once untill now.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/01/2018 19:38

One thing I have observed is that people who are constantly in the company of young children are aware of things like not giving them a glass to drink from, or making sure that the door is closed, or holding their hand so they don't suddenly dart off. Making sure they always have their fingers out of the way of lift doors etc... I don't want to sound like a health and safety officer, but that's what parents are really. People who are not continiously around young children, well some of these things don't occur to them, they don't know they child's habits. In a 2 year old, this would be a concern for me. I've watched grandparents letting them skip down a busy road in front of them and been told off for being a fuss pot as I surged forward to grab them. They were totally in the wrong, but they will never see that. Sorry but I wouldn't let your non contact in laws have him for the whole day without you ( and why would they want to do that anyway) for all the reason above. You as the mother need to make sure that these relative strangers are actually competent in looking after a 2 year old. Just because they did over 30 years ago doesn't mean they are now.

KERALA1 · 10/01/2018 19:39

God my two would have gone nuclear in that scenario!

Never forget my lovely aunt on visiting my 2 year old who she hadn't seen for about a year didn't approach dd but quietly played with a toy in the opposite corner of the room herself, in time dd approached her and they had a lovely time. So thoughtful. The direct opposite to your in laws.

itshappening · 10/01/2018 19:41

Who have they mentioned this to? (And how did it come to be mentioned twice?!)

I would indicate now before they come, through your DH if he is contacting them, that you will do something together. If they then try to bring it up on the day and DH does not back you up, you would not be rude at all to say firmly 'no, that is totally out of the question', repeat if necessary but with total firmness. It is a bonkers idea, you are right, even if your DS had not been ill.

LML83 · 10/01/2018 19:41

It's a nice thought and they probably regret not seeing him more and are trying to make up for lost time. Perhaps even think it's a nice treat for you and dh to have some child free time.

In a practical sense you don't know how they will be so best to think of an alternative that gives them the chance to get to know dc but not a day out soon.

Maybe 'thanks that would be lovely, but dc hasn't been well so not sure he will enjoy a full day out. He would love a chance to play with his Christmas toys, why don't you do that with him and I can nip to shops/do the ironing/have a bath'

HandbagCrazy · 10/01/2018 19:42

I suggest a conversation with your DH along the lines of "Your parents need to know ds before they take him anywhere without me. I'm just letting you know, if you agree with me now then go back on it and put me on the spot in front of them, I'll still say no but I'll take ds out with me for the day and you can host them."

If they're all volatile, it's obviously easier and less stressful for your DH to upset you than upset them, but he needs to be on your side on this one, and the only way to do that is to put your foot down now.

Bumsnetnetbums · 10/01/2018 19:47

Duck they have had children themselves.
More a general comment but have people always been so precious? Once women wanted family close by to care for them and help with the baby? Our is the only society where it is normal for mums to be so anxious about others being with their babies.
Not a criticism of the op but im dreading my sons having babies. As i bet i will rarely see them, being a MIL.

GrooovyLass · 10/01/2018 19:48

I would say that it needs to be made clear now, before they arrive, that they won't be taking him out by himself. Preferably by facetime with your DP next to you and agreeing with you.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 10/01/2018 19:48

My ILs never took any of my children out alone. I did not trust that they would look after them properly. They were loving gps but had absolutely no awareness of child safety, fil very physically frail.
It is hard to say no but you must do what you think is best for your baby, which means putting your big girl pants on and advocating for your child. Even if it offends/upsets the ILs. You can do it kindly, but you must do it.
This is part of being a good parent.

Maelstrop · 10/01/2018 19:49

Of course YANBU! They are no more than strangers to him. They must be delusional if they believe they can just take him. I like Handbagcrazy’s idea of what to say.

Lashalicious · 10/01/2018 19:53

No way. Op, it doesn’t matter what your oh says, simply say you are going with them; you are all going together. Absolutely no to going without you. OR, if they keep on insisting (very weird) then say, ok we all stay here at home then. Very simple. You are the mother. They don’t even know your child! I think they and your oh are nuts. Don’t cave in, remember, you are the mother. I wouldn’t care what they thought.

Chickoletta · 10/01/2018 19:53

No way!

another20 · 10/01/2018 19:56

Sounds like that they want to spend minimal time with you and your OH if family is volatile - would tell them the packed agenda where all 4 of you are spending time with DS on the day - which they may not like and hopefully wont come! Take back the power here. Your DS / your house / your rules. You need a very firm conversation with your DH beforehand - dont leave anything to chance. Practise saying out loud - "No thats not possible/No we are not doing that/This is what is planned/This is our routine etc.

Also 2 year old DS must have a nap / regular meals / play / down time/ bathtime etc so cant go out for a whole day?

Stick to your gun - your gut is right - your OH just caves for a quiet life - but that is a very wrong thing to do for your DS in this situation.

Good luck - expect them to be volatile - but just be prepared to let it wash over you, ignore them or repeat what you are doing - keep calm and carry on!

MonumentalAlabaster · 10/01/2018 19:56

Just give them the reasons you've put in your OP. They are excellent reasons - he's unwell, quite clingy and he doesn't know them.

vwlphb · 10/01/2018 20:00

Not a criticism of the op but im dreading my sons having babies. As i bet i will rarely see them, being a MIL.

Well if you make the effort to see them more than once every couple of years and not tell your DILs what you’re going to do with their babies rather than asking, you probably won’t have much of an issue. Hmm

I hate all this “scared of being a future MIL” handwringing. It’s just like the men who respond to #MeToo by complaining that they’re becoming to scared to even ask women out or give them a compliment in case they’re accused of sexual harassment.

Such melodrama. Just make an effort to treat people like human beings and not like dispensing machines for sex or grandchildren, and you’ll be just fine.

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