To lie to school about why ds is off today

[LordSugarWillSeeYouNow]

Hi, please go easy on me, I'm not well with a chronic health condition and am feeling fragile.

My ds is 14 and in year 10. He is a big lad, way over 6ft and built like a rugby player.
He's very overweight which we are addressing and takes a large size in trousers.

He started with 3 pairs which were difficult to find and ripped his last pair on the crotch and top inside leg on Monday.
I cannot sew but had a go and he wore them to school yesterday but they came back in a terrible state, worse than when he left. Ds has asd and struggles with clothing especially uniform ( used to be shirts but we mastered those )

I tried again last night to sew them but they are beyond help.
I'm so ashamed and embarrassed to tell the school this. I cannot buy him any until the weekend and do not want his school to report me or anything ( maybe I'm being irrational)

I have to ring soon and don't know what to say.
I'm kicking myself that I let him end up with one pair, I'm already feeling low and this stupid situation has left me in a state.

Any suggestions?
Sounds awful but I think it sounds neglectful and that is not the case at all, I adore him and probably mollycoddle him, I feel like an idiot.

Not sure if this might be a thing at his school or not but..

Since uniforms can be expensive especially for those kids who grow to hulk sizes and FAST, some schools offer replacement uniform items for families on a low income. Obviously you'd have to be honest about the situation (I know you've said he's not well already) but perhaps it's worth asking? Some of the items in schemes like that aren't brand new, they're second hand but perfectly fine IF his sensory issues can cope with them. Might be something to consider.

Also folks saying to send him in other pants - imagine being constantly asked and picked on all day for wearing something different. Part of the reason schools insist on uniforms, is because it means everyone looks the same, and there is less chance of kids being picked on for wearing stuff that the cool/rich kids think are acceptable.

@Crumbs1 what stops you from actually reading what the OP said? 🙄

I feel for you both.

I was big at school. I had 2 skirts, one ripped and I used to use a belt to hold it up. Never told anyone. It was awful.

Hope you can get some more trousers at the weekend :)

My son is solid, solid muscle but built like a rugby player with thighs to match. Whilst I could and would send him in his PE shorts I absolutely get that regardless of money it’s not possible to just get trousers. He rips his fairly regularly and because of the thigh issue I have to actually go and buy a load of trousers for him to try on.

Do you have a WhatsApp group with any of his friends parents or have them on FB? A couple of times I’ve had to put a cry out for someone to lend us a pair of trousers for a couple of days until I can get more. I try to keep 3 pairs on the go but his ripping is legendary and I can’t always manage it

OP, I haven't read all the answers as there are so many, but wanted to add support. DS2 has ASD and is a similar (but shorter) build. He has the same problem with trousers. School trousers seem to be cut for stick insects like his brother.
Occasionally i've sent him in in slightly faded black chinos. They are comfortable for him and no one at school,. including his friends, even noticed they weren't regulation because at a glance they look charcoal and are the same sort of cut (but better fit).
It would be up to your DS to see how he felt about that.

In terms of his weight, I suggest you try cooking family recipes from Slimming World. People have their complaints about SW but they really do base their food on filling, mainstream family food - lots of pasta, simple roast chicken etc - nothing fancy or too expensive. Say it's a new year healthy eating plan to giev everyone lots of energy and mood boosters. No need to mention weight loss.

And join him in exercise. Whatever your weight, it'll destress you and help with MH issues. DS and I used to swim a lot. Before that we cycled together and now we walk. Not ideal but better than nothing, and as you know with ASD once a habit is formed, they can be fairly passive about changing it. Can you all walk together or do an HIIT 10 minute fitness YouTube video together. Put all the emphasis on fitness, muscle toned, getting strong. Don't mention his weight.

It's all easier said than done, (I know as I do it then lapse, redo it then lapse etc) but ending up in tears is also a very hard thing for you to handle and for him to witness and process, so a few subtle and simple changes to your lifestyle are worth a try.

Hugs to you.

All the people that are saying just send him in with different pants, I am quite shocked tbh and it shows how out of touch you are with teenagers.

fannyfelcher, I was one of the posters upthread who shocked you with this suggestion. I am a secondary school teacher of many years experience and am probably more 'in touch' with literally hundreds of teenagers than most posters on this thread. Barely a week goes by that I don't see a child wearing an item of non-uniform for a legitimate reason - usually because their parents share custody and an item of clothing is at mum's, or because something has been lost, stolen or damaged beyond repair and the parent cannot afford to replace it before payday.

We handle these cases very sensitively and it's such a common occurrence that the kids genuinely don't give a toss that the person next to them is in jeans. Usually it's sufficient for the child to carry a note but in a case like OP's DS where it might distress the child to be challenged about their uniform then the head of house will simply send out a message to staff - 'Jamie will be in joggers until the end of the week. This has been agreed by Mr. Smith. Please do not challenge him.'

I'm sorry that you had such a bad experience yourself but I would not have recommended any course of action if I wasn't very confident that it wouldn't cause further distress to OP and her DS.

Is that a helpful remark strangerhoes ? Or is it just a pointed dig at a DC being overweight? Some rugby players are also overweight as well you know.

Agree with all those who say better to send him in in non uniform trousers with an apology/explanation note than to lie or risk it going down as an unauthorised absence. If they then turn him away then so be it, you did your best and you can have a clear conscience.

I don't think it's a good idea to lie as it send him the message that if the truth is too awkward then it's okay to lie. That's a problematic message to be sending to any kid, let alone an ASD one.

@Royalcoronation and @Buxbaum you seem to be looking at this from the point of view of what the school would think/how the school would deal with this issue of lack of correct uniform.

But I think @LordSugarWillSeeYouNow is thinking more about how her ds would handle going into school in non-school uniform.

She's said he wears shorts a lot at home, is very overweight and also it is January (cold). So could he be expected to go in shorts, would non-uniform really work?

If he were the kind of boy who was happy to go into school in non-uniform I expect the OP would have sent him.

"I would not have recommended any course of action if I wasn't very confident that it wouldn't cause further distress to OP and her DS."

But how can you know what the OP's son is like at school or what his school is like or what the other pupils are like?

My dd's school has lots of unpleasant students who pick on others because of hairstyle etc. I would not assume this is true for all schools but I certainly would not assume this not to be true in other schools either!

Built like a rugby player or fat?
Because rugby players wear trousers.

Whereas fat people just walk around naked

Italian that wasn't my intention; more to reassure OP that if she were to send him in in non-uniform that a) it would be dealt with sensitively and b) it is a much more common occurrence than you might think, so kids are unlikely to tease or bully DS in my reasonably extensive (but not exhaustive, granted) experience.

OP has updated that this wouldn't be appropriate for her DS; absolutely fine. I don't know him and I don't know his school.

It doesn't make the suggestion 'shocking'.

@Buxbaum I didn't say it was shocking. You were just one of many people suggesting sending him in in non-uniform. And that's totally fine, of course. It is an option. And one I too would consider.

But you also said ""I would not have recommended any course of action if I wasn't very confident that it wouldn't cause further distress to OP and her DS." And I am not sure you can be sure of that.

At my daughter's school, children not in correct uniform (with wrong jewelry/make up, hair not correct, whatever), get quite severe penalties - such as being sent into isolation.

For some kids this is so scary that even the idea this may happen is enough to bring about a kind of panic attack.

If I had the choice to face a row over attendance for my dd with school or to lie, I would lie. Because I am the one with my daughter's best interests at heart, not school. And I think my dd's schools near-obsession with uniform has been very damaging.

So I've no idea if the OP's son's school is one of the nice 'we understand' one's or one like my dd's school. That is what I meant.

You didn't, italian, but fanny did.

I think we are in agreement otherwise. I resented the implication from elsewhere that I would have made that suggestion totally ignorant of the possible ramifications for DS and I was challenging that in my post addressed to fanny.

I think it's ok to lie to the school about the reason for absence, if sending the DS to school in non-standard clothes would cause him distress, which it apparently would.

The school and the OP have two different key objectives -neither of which are wrong, but on this occasion may be incompatible . The schools will want to maximise their attendance records and therefore may be keen for the OP's DS to attend in joggers or whatever. OP's main objective is to stop her DS ( who has ASD) from feeling upset about the situation.

Teens can be very cruel. It's very likely that the DS would be teased for being overweight if he came in different trousers - look how some posters here can't resist at having a pop at the fat boy even when it's in no way relevant or helpful to the discussion.

He's got a good attendance record and OP has a plan to get more trousers. A couple of days off isn't the end of the world

I hope that the rugby player comment wasn’t directed at me as I mentioned my DS being built like a rugby player. Definitely not fat, he is the national team for one sport and train 3 x a week, school sports captain in another sport, goes boxing twice a week and runs 10km for fun so no, just tall and muscular, no excuses for his weight or dressing it up as something else but it makes buying school trousers a challenge.

I have no advice. But you sound like a great mum who is doing her best in a difficult situation. And doing the job of two parents by herself. Please don't beat yourself up

I'd be surprised if all of Year 10 were wearing their uniform correctly! I teach in a secondary school where several year 10/11s like to wear jeans (or miniskirts!) and trainers because they're "too cool for school". We discovered that one boy a couple of years ago came into school in correct uniform and then put his jeans on before first lesson. His mother wasn't impressed when we phoned home .

It's also quite common to have genuine problems with uniform, e.g. the overpriced blazer ripping, so the student comes in wearing a jumper with a note in their homework diary. I can't imagine the school having a problem with him wearing black joggers for the next couple of days if you gave him a note - you wouldn't have to say that it's because he's overweight, just that his trousers ripped and you can't buy more until the weekend. You could phone the SENCO or his form tutor for advice?

I understand that your DS might still feel unable to go in not in uniform. If you have a good relationship with the SENCO, I would have a word with her anyway.

@Buxbaum (are you a fan of Dr Suess?)

Quick update- my dad went to Matalan last night and ended up finding a pair of trousers for ds, he's going to school today!

I also found a site called Jacamo which caters for pretty much everyone and has bigger size trousers.

I ordered 2 pairs of trousers in 2 different sizes for ds on a credit account which I can pay off next month.
They have great reviews for sizing.

Thanks once again to everyone for your help, kind words ( mostly! ) and suggestions yesterday :)

Lord Sug. I hope you are feeling better today. Only one more day to the weekend. Try not to worry too much. You are doing your best in difficult circumstances. Love to you and your boy xx

Awww that's good. I never even thought of Matalan. Also I don't where you're from, obviously, but There's a Jacamo in Liverpool one. It's just above Simply Be.

I'm from Knowsley! So Liverpool is my nearest city, I spotted Simply Be because it's just along from ds's favourite shop- Everton

The pp with the nasty comment over rugby player build or fat- do one!
Me and ds are joining sw tonight, got a voucher from Bella magazine for free membership.

Ds has had kids calling him fat in the past, it's ten times worse when adults do it ( assuming you are one of course )

Shame on you!

Thank you to all of the lovely helpful people on this thread, I'm having a much better day today and ds is at school and life is good.

Good luck with SW, really hope it helps. We've had similar issues with ds, he has big issues with food. Can't handle fruit and some veg as the flavour/texture changes - processed food is always the same so much preferred by him.
He struggles to understand when he should stop eating and why, if he likes the taste of something, he can't have all of it! I can relate to that one

We have been fortunate that he is a keen cyclist which helps keep the weight off but that brings its own issues!

Anyway, just wanted to wish you well as I know how hard these things are

minor

Thank you :)

I can relate to so much of that.

Ds is getting much better and trying new foods, it's not going to be an overnight thing and I'm doing everything I can to help him, including a lot of tough love which is hard.

It helps to know im not the only one going through this, he's a big lad, size 14 shoes, he's never going to be little but he can definitely lose some weight and get fit.

MN and AIBU? Especially can get slated sometimes but when you come across nice, understanding people, you've no idea how much it helps a complete stranger