To lie to school about why ds is off today

[LordSugarWillSeeYouNow]

Hi, please go easy on me, I'm not well with a chronic health condition and am feeling fragile.

My ds is 14 and in year 10. He is a big lad, way over 6ft and built like a rugby player.
He's very overweight which we are addressing and takes a large size in trousers.

He started with 3 pairs which were difficult to find and ripped his last pair on the crotch and top inside leg on Monday.
I cannot sew but had a go and he wore them to school yesterday but they came back in a terrible state, worse than when he left. Ds has asd and struggles with clothing especially uniform ( used to be shirts but we mastered those )

I tried again last night to sew them but they are beyond help.
I'm so ashamed and embarrassed to tell the school this. I cannot buy him any until the weekend and do not want his school to report me or anything ( maybe I'm being irrational)

I have to ring soon and don't know what to say.
I'm kicking myself that I let him end up with one pair, I'm already feeling low and this stupid situation has left me in a state.

Any suggestions?
Sounds awful but I think it sounds neglectful and that is not the case at all, I adore him and probably mollycoddle him, I feel like an idiot.

Honestly, talk to the school & be honest. They will support you & your DS, not punish you. In year 10/11 attendance is especially important.

My DD has similar issues to ASD with SPD & anxiety amongst other things, she's not overweight, but isn't a standard size, so I totally understand your problem, especially as I also have chronic health issues that makes getting out difficult. I'm lucky in that Garment manufacture is my trade, so I can make her made to measure when I'm well, but during bad times I can barely remember how to sew a button on.

Buying online isn't so easy as she can't handle the touch of a lot of fabrics, not for a whole day at least, it will make her very uncomfortable & be very distracting for her, so I'm guessing your DS would have similar issues.

I would just ring/email the school, something along the lines of "I'm very sorry, but DS doesn't have correct school trousers today. He isn't a standard size & his last pair of school pants have just split & are irreparable. I'm too ill to get out to shop right now & unfortunately his ASD means that isn't something he can do for himself just yet. I'm going to have to send him in wearing xxxx pants & will replace his school pants ASAP.

Give him a written note to carry with him for any rogue teachers pulling him up for none uniform. "Please excuse "DS name" not wearing school trousers, unfortunately his last pair have split badly & our circumstances mean that they cant be replaced easily. I have cleared this with school authorities for the time being. Thank you for your understanding"

Then just send him in in his most comfortable similar coloured pants

& there are some bloody ignorant replies on this thread. Have a word with yourselves

The OP has said they're beyond help.

Random trousers won't do as he clearly has sensory issues.

If he wears different trousers:
a) he might not cope with being different,
b) the school might send him to isolation (also might not cope with that)
c) he might get picked on (won't cope with that)

If he has to be kept at home, make sure he studies and find online maths or literacy stuff for him or whatever else he is studying.

It's not the end of the world. (I think these are special circumstances)

They may be beyond help to someone how cannot sew well.

But to a dry cleaner with a sewing machine, they may be easily mended.

I took a pair in before Christmas and they only charged me £3. It took about 5 minutes too.

It would depend what I thought school might do if I told the truth. Assuming there are valid reasons the trousers can't be replaced more quickly (which I can see that there might well be) and if I thought my kid would be picked on, bullied or in anyway distressed by having to attend in non-uniform I'd lie. A tummy upset it an easy 48hrs off, no need for your son to be embarrassed and trousers can be replaced on the weekend. I'd then take all reasonable steps to prevent recurrance. I assume your son would be able to cope with the lie? My niece has additional issues and can't lie so in her case I'd tell the truth.

If you have a good relation with the SENCO at the school I'd be inclined to tell the truth.

My DS has ASD and definitely would not cope with going in in a different pair of trousers.

I think that they may then be able to send work home if he is too anxious to attend and may be able to code it working away from the school rather than absence which is good for them and also for you and your son.

They may also have some practical suggestions for assisting with weight loss and there may be funding if the financial side of things is an issue (I wasn't clear from your OP whether it is that or geography that is the reason you can't get them for the weekend).

Good luck.

All the people that are saying just send him in with different pants, I am quite shocked tbh and it shows how out of touch you are with teenagers. At that age they are already trying their hardest to fit in, and its a massive struggle for your "average" kid never mind one with serious weight issues. He will 100% have already been bullied about this and now you are all suggesting sending him in in different pants so he sticks out like a sore thumb ( non standard uniform always stands out). You are opening him up to ridicule and questions from other students and if he doesn't answer them then assumptions will be made and those assumption swill be that the fat kid bust out of his pants. I had the same thing with a massive chest and a mother that insisted my DD cups would fit in a size 10 blouse. They didn't and all it did was make people stare and laugh at the gaping spaces between the buttons. And I was a pretty confident teenager, in the end I just had the buttons opened to the bra and brazened it out. Being called a slut was better than being called mega tits or having people say that I couldnt afford uniform.

But that aside, OP he can not have 3 days off school for torn pants. You need to do whatever you can to order a pair today on next day delivery and make sure he gets there tomorrow in his new pants. In fact buy two pairs.

They may be beyond help to someone how cannot sew well.

If the cloth itself has torn, they are likely beyond help at all, especially given his ASD & that depending on where it is, any bulk to strengthen the cloth will likely render them uncomfortable for someone with SPD to deal with.

If you want to post a clear photo OP, I'm happy to have a look & see what if anything can be done for you.

Given your DSs issues, I would recommend finding a good seamstress, they can make a pattern from his ripped trousers. Once you have this it can be used to make any trousers he needs in fabrics that he feels comfortable with

If it will embarrass him or lead to more bullying to wear a non uniform pair to school, I'd just lie and say he is ill. If he'd be ok about it then I'd be honest and explain the situation.

Give his form tutor or head of year a call, I promise they won’t judge you. I was a year 10 form tutor and dealt with stuff like this all the time.

Do you still have any of the other trousers that ripped? Take both pairs to a dry cleaner and I bet they could patch one with fabric from the other and you could barely tell.

OP, I'd just say he's ill.

Make sure he does revision or something at home but a couple of days off is hardly going to kill anyone.

If you make sure it doesn't turn into a habit and tell him this only happens once then it's not going to give him the wrong ideas either.

Sending him will only result in upset and difficulty for him - he's fourteen; keep him off.

Speak to the school. You’ve nothing to be ashamed of.

To those saying send him in any black trousers, he may not cope with that and he may not want to stand out by wearing the wrong trousers.
Maybe op can’t just pop to the shop or order on line. Maybe she can’t afford them until the end of the week. Absolutely no shame there.

Op, communication with the school is important. Tell them ds won’t be in until he has trousers.

fanny

I absolutely appreciate what you are saying and its an very valid point

But has it occurred to you that some of us saying it have had similar experiences and are suggesting what we have done with our own children

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply and for your understanding. I'm so bloody upset with myself.

Ds was severely bullied in year 7 of another school and was removed after they wouldn't acknowledge the problem, even with social media proof etc, I do not want a repeat of this ever, i was on the verge of a nervous breakdown after it all and with 2 failed school appeals, left me with several MH issues.

ds lives pretty much in shorts all year round at home and will wear joggers if they're not too thick, he's a nightmare!

I do not live in a city but can access one within 30-40 minutes. I cannot afford trousers until the weekend, I have zero money.
I appreciate those saying order online etc, it's quite easily done. Even if I had the means to do so, it's usually pointless.
I ordered him a pair last year which arrived within a few days and were tiny, I had to double check the tags.
Ds needs to try things on, he's like a pp's ds, all bum ( that pretty much describes me too )

I've rang school and am ashamed to say I told them that ds has stomach ache.
I just couldn't say it.

This situation has reiterated how serious ds's weight issues are and I've been in tears all morning, my dd was late for school ( infants ) and I feel exhausted with it all.

Once again, thanks so much for wise words and advice

Oh and all those saying keep him off if he is worried about being bullied I completely agree

But the op seems worried about the absence which is what i was replying to

Oh wow epic cross post with lord

I would keep him off in that case,

Try not to worry about it

I'll not comment on the trouser situation but have you spoken to the GP about your concerns on his weight?
They can refer you to a dietitian if you are struggling.

Do you have support in place, any family?

Depends on the school - I think my DC schools would be helpful however I know the academy we used to be in the catchment for wasn't as I knew a 14 year old girl who was down to one pair that was suddenly deemed not to meet their new permitted trousers requirements – and they one pair she had was black and decent just not one of three permitted styles.

She was put in isolation - mother was deeply upset but unable to do anything for a few days and despite meeting school wouldn’t budge. One of many reasons I wasn’t going to send my children to that school.

Trousers can be hard to repair – you often can’t just sew up as it pulls materials tighter you often have to sew to a backing material to mend – which may not be an option if there are sensory issues.

I would try amazon or other on-line sites see if there something that might work - or try something else to get it sorted sooner than the weekend.

@LordSugarWillSeeYouNow I am so sorry you are suffering with a chronic condition and feeling fragile. My dd is most likely on the autistic spectrum and has had days off for all kinds of reasons. On one occasion she was hyperventilating because she thought she would get into trouble for something and I was not able to get her to go in.

And I must admit I do just 'lie' in a way. I said she was not well. Which is true. She has mental health issues and my main concern is her health, not her attendance at school.

@fannyfelcher what a brilliant and wise post. I am sorry it is borne out of your own experiences, and I am sorry your mum was so unhelpful.

So I agree with @Cath2907 "It would depend what I thought school might do if I told the truth." and "... if I thought my kid would be picked on, bullied or in anyway distressed by having to attend in non-uniform I'd lie. I'd keep it general, not well, it's not specific. If he has additional issues and can't lie, I'd tell the truth.

I totally agree with @ButtPlugInMyHalloweenHaul in that "Other kids might utterly rip the piss out of him if he goes in in anything outside the norm and that is not what you want. Sad but true. Take him shopping instead. I would lie like a cheap rug if it saved my DC any angst of this nature. Don't underestimate how nasty other kids can be."

x-posts then I think I would keep him off.

I cannot afford trousers until the weekend, I have zero money.

That was the mother's I knew problem - and the school there didn't want to know. It did mean the issue was sorted slightly quicker in their case as wider family was so disgusted they sorted it for them rather than have the well behaved 14 year old stuck in isolation.

Ah, cross post. I see you have kept him off.

OK so now relax, have a cuppa, and think about the other things you may need to do. Don't worry about your daughter being a bit late either, it's all part of life.

Are you getting all the help you can for your medical needs? Please prioritize yourself as well.

Please do make sure his time at home is either productive he does work from school or any other relevant project/revision, or is super boring (helping clean the house or not doing too much, no TV etc, just some educational programme or DVD or on line etc!

This is important because if his time off is fun and enjoyable he might just damage his trousers on purpose to get more time off school, I am quite sure my dd would do something like this if it had occurred to her!

OP just want to say that my son is over weight too, and that's something we are trying to address. It's not from eating crap all the time, because he does eat healthy but I think it's more portion size, but also on dad's side they are all big 6ft 2, big build. He is only 14, yet is in a men's large top and his shoulders are so wide. Like wise he is a 36 waist, long leg. Trying to buy trousers is hard, because they are either expensive or they are always out of stock.

Again I empathise with the money situation, if he broke his trousers today I would have to borrow off someone as I have none until next week. So just to say you aren't the only one that is skint at the moment.

I know I shouldn't say this, but it's Wednesday, you could say that he was sick this afternoon, which then keeps him home tomorrow and Friday because of the 48 hour rule.

Please people don't jump on me for saying that, yes I know attendance is important etc, just giving an option.

Hope you start feeling better soon OP, and don't let this bring you down. A lot of us have been in a similar situation at some point

Can I just add, that where as I do get those saying lie & keep him home as standing out in none uniform might make him very uncomfortable. My own DD would be doubly uncomfortable having to carry on a lie when they are back at school & I wouldn't put her through what for her would be major stress. With ASD, I'm guessing the OPs DS might well be the same

He sees his asd paediatrician once a year if that but it's supposed to be more frequent, he last saw her January 2017 and was supposed to see her 6 months after that and I'm still chasing up but nothing.

She has mentioned something called family futures which I have looked into and decided we will try anything.
I enrolled ds in the gym and he was doing well but lost interest, he's really upset about his weight and then doesn't go to the gym! It's very frustrating.

Ds has excellent attendance and is doing very well at school, on target for good grades at GCSE and behaviour is exemplary.
I don't feel happy about lying but I know he would never in a million years go to school in joggers or shorts.

His dad is on holiday with new wife and child and they are not close. Exdp makes horrible references to his weight and he's not slim himself.
My family do not help out.

I will make ds do some English literature today as he is sitting his GCSE's early in some subjects and is not gelling with Romeo and Juliet at all