Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To lie to school about why ds is off today

102 replies

LordSugarWillSeeYouNow · 10/01/2018 08:18

Hi, please go easy on me, I'm not well with a chronic health condition and am feeling fragile.

My ds is 14 and in year 10. He is a big lad, way over 6ft and built like a rugby player.
He's very overweight which we are addressing and takes a large size in trousers.

He started with 3 pairs which were difficult to find and ripped his last pair on the crotch and top inside leg on Monday.
I cannot sew but had a go and he wore them to school yesterday but they came back in a terrible state, worse than when he left. Ds has asd and struggles with clothing especially uniform ( used to be shirts but we mastered those )

I tried again last night to sew them but they are beyond help.
I'm so ashamed and embarrassed to tell the school this. I cannot buy him any until the weekend and do not want his school to report me or anything ( maybe I'm being irrational)

I have to ring soon and don't know what to say.
I'm kicking myself that I let him end up with one pair, I'm already feeling low and this stupid situation has left me in a state.

Any suggestions?
Sounds awful but I think it sounds neglectful and that is not the case at all, I adore him and probably mollycoddle him, I feel like an idiot.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 10/01/2018 10:27

PS @LordSugarWillSeeYouNow (great name) are you getting all the money you are meant to, having a son with ASD, being alone parent, needing special uniform, having a medical condition etc. Please do see if your local advice center independent or Citizen's advice can give advice on whether you can access any extra money for uniform or other needs.

Thanks XX (have pmed you)

flobella · 10/01/2018 10:30

@LordSugarWillSeeYouNow

I have been a secondary school teacher for over a decade and teach in quite a 'nice' school with lots of quite affluent families. Having said that, it is not uncommon for students to arrive at school without the correct uniform/shoes, purely for practical reasons. As a teacher, if I noticed a student had the wrong shoes or trousers on, I would ask them as they came through the door about it and if they showed me a note from mum (either a paper note or a note written in their homework diary) then I would leave it at that. I don't know what your son's school is like but speaking from myself and my colleagues, we are all human and know that students (boys in particular) go through shoes and uniform like sh*t through a goose. A lot of parents work full-time and I simply wouldn't expect a student's mum or dad to logistically be able to go out and repurchase a pair of shoes that developed a hole after a rough game of football or a pair of trousers or jumper that got lost after PE, left on the bus etc immediately. I have had lots of notes from parents in my time that have said something like "Sorry, the sole fell off of one of Jonny's school shoes yesterday but I will make sure we go out at the weekend to replace the shoes. He will have to wear his trainers until then so apologies." I wouldn't bat an eye, to be honest, and I certainly wouldn't judge them for not having been able to drop everything and get straight to the shopping mall to replace.

I am a mum, am able-bodied and in a good financial position. That said, if my son came home tomorrow from nursery and we found that he had lost his willies or his shoes had broken or something similar, I couldn't logistically go out that very evening and replace it. In all honesty, it would probably have to wait for the weekend or at best, a few days for an online order to arrive. Kids grow like weeds, lose stuff, are disorganised. Sh*t happens, the nursery staff would understand if I said that he wasn't 'fully equipped' that day because something had been lost or torn. They would make do and within a few days I would have been able to go out and replace the item.

In terms of moving forward, can I suggest that you drop an email to your son's tutor or head of year to say that you would just like to flag up that as your son is so tall, and he seems to go through uniform so quickly at the moment, you are limited as to the places you can buy him appropriate uniform. Coupled with that you have a disability which can also make getting to the shops more problematic so you would appreciate staff not making a big deal out of the odd issue with uniform here and there but, of course, you will provide him with a note to explain any issues with uniform as and when they are necessary. It would take a pretty heartless teacher to make an issue out of a chronically-ill mother not dropping everything to run to the shops immediately. They will appreciate you flagging it up in advance and will see that it is not an issue with you being uncaring or thoughtless, just pragmatic about the fact there are sometimes going to be uniform issues which you will always do your best to rectify as soon as is humanly possible.

If you have funds, either now or in the future, would it be possible for you to buy some back-up uniform that you set aside (maybe in the next size up) so that you are not always on the back foot when he grows out of things or has failed to mention his other trousers ripped etc? I don't know how niche the sizing is but I'd recommend keeping an eye out on eBay and snapping any that come up in larger sizes for the future.

In terms of the nasty comments from other classmates, I'm afraid I have no advice there other than to, again, flag that up with the tutor as being something they might want to keep an eye on...

Best of luck! Stop feeling bad about yourself because of trousers. You're doing the best you can and I'm sure once his growth settles down, it will get easier.

flobella · 10/01/2018 10:32

For god's sake. Wellies not willies.

Snowysky20009 · 10/01/2018 10:33

I love the posts of 'just go and buy a new pair', 'order online and have next day delivery' etc. Don't you think if OP was able to do that she would? January is a horrible time for a lot of people money wise. I have nothing until next week, which isn't a problem for me as I have everything I need, but part of the reason I have nothing, is because I leant to two friends this week who were struggling. It wasn't a lot, but enough to tide them over until payday.

But OP don't be ashamed of telling the school the truth. They would have come across this before, and I bet you a handful of teachers are skint too at the moment!

Italiangreyhound · 10/01/2018 10:35

"He sees his asd paediatrician once a year if that but it's supposed to be more frequent, he last saw her January 2017 and was supposed to see her 6 months after that and I'm still chasing up but nothing."

Does the hospital have a patient's charter or anything? Patient advice service or complaints procedure. His appointment is 6 months over due, that is awful, please get some help to get that in place. I have been very lucky with appointments because I am tenacious! But you do need to be able to speak to a person to get someone to help you.

"I enrolled ds in the gym and he was doing well but lost interest, he's really upset about his weight and then doesn't go to the gym! It's very frustrating." I am also a member of a gym, I am also overweight, and don't want to go! Are you paying for gym membership? Can you stop that and invest in exercise DVDs IF he could safely do this at home. I don't blame a very overweight teenager for not wanting to go to the gym.

Glad he is doing so well at school. That is brilliant.

"I don't feel happy about lying but I know he would never in a million years go to school in joggers or shorts." Give yourself a break, several of us have said that we do lie, or would lie, for our kids. Focus on where you want to get to and just keep going in that direction. It sounds like you have done 100% the right thing.

Just get on the phone to the hospital and don;t stop ringing until you get someone who can help your son with his weight.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/health/nhs-healthcare/nhs-patients-rights/

Snowysky20009 · 10/01/2018 10:38

Flobella willies Grin

iloveredwine · 10/01/2018 10:39

didn't want to read and run. Can you order on next and get them delivered on credit account and pay when you have the money? they do stocky and slim fit school uniforms so you may be able to get them by tomorrow?

sameoldtat · 10/01/2018 10:43

Crumbs 1 Maybe mother cannot afford to get the trousers until the weekend.

GerardButlersBird · 10/01/2018 10:44

I was wondering why everyone assumed OP had the money to "just buy them today". Lots of us live on nothing til the next payday. Just the way it is sometimes, especially in January

swingofthings · 10/01/2018 10:45

OP, If his attendance is good and his getting good grades, don't beat yourself up for it, it's not the end of the world many kids are off at the moment with illnesses and they too will not see their future ruined because of it.

I do however hope you are setting up for him to do school work during the day rather than letting him have 'days off' playing on the Xbox or whatever he does because you certainly don't want to give him the message that this is a reward.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 10/01/2018 10:46

I'd personally just say he wasn't well. Contrary to the famous saying honesty isn't always the best policy.
It's all very fine and dandy people saying " "Oh just send him in with jogging bottoms"
Then the other kids start saying, "Why are you wearing those" Kids Can be so cruel.
Your ds is at the age where he can go along with the lie. I'm not advocating lying or teaching kids that it's okay to lie, but sometimes needs must.

WaxOnFeckOff · 10/01/2018 10:49

OP, I don't if this will help but I've found Asda trousers to be quite generous in the thigh and crotch. I have 2 DSs, one (17) is 6'3, eats like a horse and has a 34 inch waist regardless. The other is 6'2 (16)and although eats less than DS1 and does (a little) more exercise, he's heavier, especially his thighs and he's had a few trouser accidents in his day. We always bought from Next/M&S, adult sizes for the last 4 years but an emergency shop in Asda has found them to be a better fit for DS2. Obviously the material may not be good for your purposes and you may not have an asda with clothing nearby but just thought I'd mention in case it was helpful.

It's hard to get them to do more. we suspect DS2 has undiagnosed Dyspraxia, he finds it really hard to organise and motivate himself. We are now at the point we have to actually tell him what to do when, which he is actually happier with. He wants to get fit, he just cant do it by himself.

FinallyHere · 10/01/2018 10:50

If he is sitting some GCSEs early and is not gelling with Romeo and Juliet at all could you look up a play or film of R&J for him to watch? I never got th3 hang of any Shakespeare til i saw it as a play.

Royalcoronation · 10/01/2018 10:57

This would be a non issue in our house.

Uniform is ripped/wrecked/not even washed Blush I just send them In something else. Our school would accept pupil saying 'my uniform is torn, mum is sorting it' but you could send a note or email or phone as well.

Missing School because of trousers is a bit ridiculous. Lying about it even more so.

2017RedBlue · 10/01/2018 11:00

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Isadora2007 · 10/01/2018 11:03

Let him watch the Romeo and Juliet with leonardo de caprio if you can find it on Netflix or YouTube? That would be good revision.
Maybe you could both do yoga or walking or even a couch to 5k type thing together?
Have a chill day and don’t worry too much about a few days off- it’s not the end of the world.

HeebieJeebies456 · 10/01/2018 11:09

Instead of paying for a gym membership he doesn't like using, why not buy a cheap exercise bike/cross trainer off gumtree/ebay so he can exercise in the comfort of his own home?

I hate the gym so bought a second hand £30 crosstrainer off gumtree, a cheap stomach cruncher/sit up thingy and step machine from Argos to use at home. I can watch tv/listen to music at the same time as working out.
In total i spent about £60 and now have my own mini-gym at home.

Chrys2017 · 10/01/2018 11:10

I vote for the Franco Zefferelli (1968) version of the movie, shot on location, in glorious Technicolour, with that famous song... Beautiful. And then let him watch West Side Story.

differentnameforthis · 10/01/2018 11:13

Take both pairs to a dry cleaner and I bet they could patch one with fabric from the other and you could barely tell. Patching fabric over fabric isn't likely to work for a child with sensory issues with clothing.

iloveredwine And you totally missed the part where op said he has to try them on before buying, I take it?

Royalcoronation Perhaps try reading the op's other posts, yes?

WhooooAmI24601 · 10/01/2018 11:18

This would be a non issue in our house.

Royalcoronation Then perhaps quietly consider yourself fortunate not to have to understand that children and young people can have many sensory needs when it comes to clothing and uniform and it's not as simple as it might be in your home. How utterly ignorant of you to suggest that a person with ASD is ridiculous for daring to find replacement clothing more tricky.

RockinHippy · 10/01/2018 11:23

Just a thought, but given his ASD & fit issues, can you not have a word with the SENCO/HOY & get him exempt from wearing the school pants?

My DD doesn't wear the school uniform skirt as it's too ridged & uncomfortable for her, it's even given her bruised hips when she tried as she has prominent hip bones. She wears a soft jersey skirt with a similar silhouette instead. Given your DSs weight issues I'm guessing school pants aren't so comfortable for him either

RockinHippy · 10/01/2018 11:25

I should add, my DD was also badly bullied when younger, so much so we pulled her out & homeschooled & it's never been an issue that she's not wearing the school skirt

BoffinMum · 10/01/2018 11:33

In circumstances like this, where ASD is involved, you should contact the SENCO before school and explain that you are having to send your son in wearing non-uniform trousers, and you'd like to come in and have a chat about this and other support he needs, particularly with regard to PE and so on. They can't exclude him for non-compliance with uniform rules then, and he won't miss school, plus life will get less stressful.

Kids shouldn't be missing school because of things like this.

MotherofaSurvivor · 10/01/2018 11:37

@ButtPlugInMyHalloweenHaul Erm.....pls tell me more about your username...?!?! Shock

Royalcoronation · 10/01/2018 11:39

Then perhaps quietly consider yourself fortunate not to have to understand that children and young people can have many sensory needs when it comes to clothing and uniform and it's not as simple as it might be in your home. How utterly ignorant of you to suggest that a person with ASD is ridiculous for daring to find replacement clothing more tricky.

Erm, none of that is what I said at all Confused

I said it would be a non issue in our house because I could send DC in something else without issue. It wasn't a dig at OP, if anything it was aimed at the school because imo it IS ridiculous for a child to miss school over a minor uniform issue.

Totally understand sensory issues. I have one DC who wore cheap supermarket joggers to school for 3 years because they refused to wear trousers. Currently another DC wears leggings as they also refuse trousers or a skirt.

Swipe left for the next trending thread