Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Should I take the money from my son?

76 replies

Guardsman18 · 09/01/2018 18:10

Have posted before about money and people's suggestions really helped so I thought I'd ask again WWYD in this situation?

I'll try not to ramble. DS17 was really worried about his A levels, so much work, didn't want to go to uni, behind in course work etc.

He wanted a way out, so we sat down and between us decided that he could leave school, go on a course and learn a trade with a view to becoming an apprentice next year.

I paid the £1000 as well as £70 + books needed and I drove him to the course each week. It became obvious that he was way out of his depth but was learning basic stuff that will stand him in good stead in his life or when/if he goes to college to study this subject.

He has now told me that he doesn't feel the course is for him (I don't either), that he's not as far behind in school as he thought and he doesn't want to go on the course any more. (4 weeks left).

My question is - should I ask him to pay me the money for the course, half of it and the books? I used my last £1000 to pay for it, he has money in his bank account and would probably be more than happy to give it to me.

I hope this makes sense. I think what I'm trying to ask is would this be the 'right' thing to do to teach him something about money or should I just cut my losses?

Feeling like a crap parent btw!

OP posts:

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 09/01/2018 18:12

No if he has the money already why didn’t he pay for it. Could you sell the books?

YesMam · 09/01/2018 18:12

No I wouldn't take

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/01/2018 18:14

No, not if it wasn't the understanding that he paid it back at the outset.

NapQueen · 09/01/2018 18:16

He only has 4 weeks left of the course?

Id be really disapppointed in him quitting with 4 weeks to go.

teaandtoast · 09/01/2018 18:18

So he thinks he can just go back to school and puck up where he left off? Have I misunderstood?

Fishface77 · 09/01/2018 18:20

If he’s got 4 weeks left make him finish the course then go back to school.

HisBetterHalf · 09/01/2018 18:20

I wouldnt personally

Makingahome · 09/01/2018 18:21

With four weeks left he needs to complete the course!

Boulshired · 09/01/2018 18:22

It is easy after the fact but you really should have discussed this prior to the course. I am surprised they are letting him back on his a levels tbh. You know how much you need the money and how your son will respond to the request. The conversation could be that if he commits to something that costs he should burden some financial responsibility if he changes his mind.

Makingahome · 09/01/2018 18:22

And yes he should pay.

Original poster

Guardsman18 · 09/01/2018 18:22

I could sell them but think he might need them later in the year.

@YesMam - can I ask you why?

OP posts:

titchy · 09/01/2018 18:22

If he'll definitely fail the course then he should leave. If he could pass he should stay given that there's only a few weeks left.

Going back to A levels is a non-starter - he won't be able to catch up now so he'd be looking at starting over in September.

He sounds like he starts things, doesn't put the effort in then quits, or at the very least doesn't think things through. On that basis alone I'd be asking for a contribution at least.

And he needs to get a job/apprenticeship.

Out of interest why did you have to pay for this course - 17 year olds should be able to access free courses as long as they're the right level - again he doesn't seem to have actually thought about it.

Atticusss · 09/01/2018 18:22

If there is only 4 weeks left I'd insist he finish it as it's cost you so much money. If he then offers you the money instead of doing the last 4 weeks then I'd accept. If not, id insist on him doing the last few weeks.

alotalotalot · 09/01/2018 18:23

Is it an after school type course?

I'd encourage him to finish it if it won't impact on his school work. If not you've both agreed to give it a shot and it just didn't work out. I don't think he should be made to pay but it would be nice to make a contribution as it took the last of your money.

Brokenbiscuit · 09/01/2018 18:24

If you desperately need the money, that's one thing. I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask for a contribution under such circumstances.

Otherwise, no. He is not yet an adult, and it seems he needed more guidance before embarking on an expensive course like this. Perhaps it would have been more helpful to help him explore options a bit more thoroughly before taking such a leap. Perhaps it would have been helpful to have explored a bit more as to whether he was really falling behind with his a-levels, and the extent to which that was a problem. Perhaps he needed a bit more help in sussing out the new course and whether or not it would suit him.

It's easy to be wise with hindsight, of course, but in some ways, I think this is as much your mistake as his - and I don't mean that in a critical way at all, as you were obviously trying to help and it isn't always easy. But teenagers need their parents to help them think stuff through, because they don't have the life experience yet to see how their thinking may be flawed.

dailyfailuselessrag · 09/01/2018 18:24

I would tell him he can pay in full or complete the course to the best of his ability. He needs to take responsibility.

Missonihoni · 09/01/2018 18:24

He should of paid it in the first place if he had the money himself. The fact he is dropping out means he should defo pay it. He needs to learn he cannot just sign up to things with your money and then decide it's not for him. 1000 is a lot.

Original poster

Guardsman18 · 09/01/2018 18:26

He didn't leave school. He's just missed a few lessons for that day. Course is one day a week.

To be fair to him, he would give me the money. He hasn't earned the money. I just don't want him to think that everything comes easy in life

OP posts:

Lifeisabeach09 · 09/01/2018 18:27

Yes, I feel you should be reimbursed some or all of the money from him. Sounds like you can ill-afford to waste your savings on a course your son is unlikely to finish or pass.
He needs to learn some financial responsibility.
I'd apply this to my daughter.

Lifeisabeach09 · 09/01/2018 18:28

I would encourage him to stick with it for four more weeks though if it is due to finish then.

Turquoise123 · 09/01/2018 18:30

complete course and set out how he is going to level with you about the cash. He needs to understand that actions have consequences.......and costs .

Eliza9917 · 09/01/2018 18:31

Instead of teaching him a financial lesson, teach him that you should finish what you start and make him complete the course then carry on with school as well.

Original poster

Guardsman18 · 09/01/2018 18:32

Thank you so much for your replies.

@Brokenbiscuit - what you posted is how I see it. I feel I went at it full pelt without really guiding him regarding school.

He isn't going to get a qualification as the course is out of his depth. Maybe I should be asking the trainer to reimburse me!

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 09/01/2018 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DewDropsonKittens · 09/01/2018 18:32

You would be best off considering making complete the course, rather than enabling him to quit every time it doesn't feel right.

That's not how real life works

Flip

1 2 3 4