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Original poster

Should I take the money from my son?

76 replies

Guardsman18 · 09/01/2018 18:10

Have posted before about money and people's suggestions really helped so I thought I'd ask again WWYD in this situation?

I'll try not to ramble. DS17 was really worried about his A levels, so much work, didn't want to go to uni, behind in course work etc.

He wanted a way out, so we sat down and between us decided that he could leave school, go on a course and learn a trade with a view to becoming an apprentice next year.

I paid the £1000 as well as £70 + books needed and I drove him to the course each week. It became obvious that he was way out of his depth but was learning basic stuff that will stand him in good stead in his life or when/if he goes to college to study this subject.

He has now told me that he doesn't feel the course is for him (I don't either), that he's not as far behind in school as he thought and he doesn't want to go on the course any more. (4 weeks left).

My question is - should I ask him to pay me the money for the course, half of it and the books? I used my last £1000 to pay for it, he has money in his bank account and would probably be more than happy to give it to me.

I hope this makes sense. I think what I'm trying to ask is would this be the 'right' thing to do to teach him something about money or should I just cut my losses?

Feeling like a crap parent btw!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 09/01/2018 18:33

I would say he either finishes the course or he has to pay you but you really think he should try and finish

TammySwansonTwo · 09/01/2018 18:34

I'd think the better life lesson here would be to make him see the course through - there's only four weeks left and it's only one day a week. It's cost you money and he made a commitment.

But how do the school feel about missing a day a week? Surely he will be behind?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 09/01/2018 18:34

I wouldn’t ask for the money back but I wouldn’t let him drop out when he is so close to finish it.

Can you tell him that as long as he finishes the course well in 4 weeks time, he doesn’t have to pay for it?

Then is his choice.

Allthewaves · 09/01/2018 18:34

What's the course?

tiggytape · 09/01/2018 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilQueenie · 09/01/2018 18:35

Id give an ultimatum of either finish the course of figure the rest out himself. He needs to learn to finish what he starts and grow up a bit.

MrsNacho · 09/01/2018 18:36

I would make him finish the course, it's one day a week for 4 more weeks assume use his own money to pay for a tutor to help him catch up on his A Levels (If that's a thing)

caringcarer · 09/01/2018 18:36

If you agreed to pay it would be unfair to ask for the money retrospectively. Sell the books. Could he pass the course if he worked really hard for next 4 weeks? If so I would encourage him to do so. Then he could restart A levels in Sept. If he thought he was behind before he will be even further behind now. A fresh start in September but I would tell him it will be his last chance to do A levels with your support and if he falls behind again or drops out he will have to get a job. But I would not take his money form him.

Penfold007 · 09/01/2018 18:43

So he has four more days spread over four weeks before he finishes the course? He needs to stick it out and then decide what to do.

Coastalcommand · 09/01/2018 18:46

Why doesn’t he finish the course and see if he passes?

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 09/01/2018 18:48

Four days more and he's done. He needs to learn that in life you suck it up and get on with things. Once that course is finished then time to sit down for a serious discussion about what he is going to do.

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 09/01/2018 18:48

He won't pass. The tutor has told me that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Guardsman18 · 09/01/2018 18:49

I feel that I pushed him into it

OP posts:
kinkajoukid · 09/01/2018 18:50

It does slightly depend on how much money he has and how much money you have. It would be a bit odd if he has thousands on the bank and yet you were sturggling to pay for everyday living because of this course. He is old enough to learn the realities of money and there is no reason he shouldn't contribute to the things he wants to do.

The difficulty is that asking for it now might seem more like a punishment for not finishing - it would have been better to start out with him making a contribution, however big or small. But I think you can ask him for at least a bit if you really need it and if you explain that it isn't a punishment, just a practicality.

It sounds like he was feeling very stressed and wanted a bit of a quick fix or a way out, but maybe despite the cost if he has seen that he does have more choices than just feeling trapped (in his A levels) he has been able to make a more rational choice now so in the long run it might prove worthwhile.

In principle I think it is good for kids/ people to be able to try things and find what they like and are good/ less good at (especially if it isn't covered in school or with hobbies/ work experience etc) so unless he has a terrible track record of grass is greener thinking or not completing things it needn't be a big deal to just stop the course. It isn't always feckless or a failure to stop doing something nor does it automatically lead to a life lacking in commitment. Ideally it wouldn't cost so much to find these things out though.

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 09/01/2018 18:52

Thanks tiggytape. I feel as the 'responsible adult' well, I wasn't very responsible.

I will just cut my losses. I was trying to help him and didn't make a very good job of it but it's done now and I said, the skills he's learned won't be wasted. (Could have done it cheaper though!)

OP posts:
chinam · 09/01/2018 18:53

If you pushed him to do the course, why should the trainer reimburse you? You let your son leave school and now you're thinking of letting him leave the course. He needs to learn you can't always walk away from things that are difficult.

Boulshired · 09/01/2018 18:56

4 more days doesn't sound a lot but it is if taking A levels. Uni does not have to follow A levels, in fact finding an apprenticeship can be difficult when up against A level and college students . If he is not going to pass he needs to commit to his A levels. At least to the end of this academic year. Then reassess for September.

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 09/01/2018 18:56

Wise words kink. Thanks. He'll probably not ask me for career advice again though

OP posts:
usualGubbins · 09/01/2018 19:00

Pass or fail I too think he should finish it. It will teach him that there are consequences to taking responsibility. I think your money is gone, I wouldn't put any more money into his education until you start seeing decent results. Does he have special needs, is that why he's failing or has he just not done the work?

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 09/01/2018 19:01

He hasn't left school chinam. What I said about the trainer was a bit tongue in cheek. We met with him and were honest about son's lack of practical ability. The course had 3 men with 20 plus years experience.

However, I'm willing to admit I may have been desperate!

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 09/01/2018 19:03

I would encourage him to finish the course if it is only 4 more weeks & say that if he doesn't finish it he will need to pay half back. I think that would encourage him to complete it. it will look good on his CV if he has something extra to his A levels. Try not to be too hard on him/yourself. It is difficult trying to decide what to do for the best sometimes.

chinam · 09/01/2018 19:16

Apologies, I read this to mean he had left school
sat down and between us decided that he could leave school, go on a course
I still think he should finish the course. As someone said up thread, it will be good for his CV.

Bowerbird5 · 09/01/2018 19:17

China's OP son is still at school. He was doing a day a week. Teenagers often find this a difficult time.

It depends how clever he is. My daughter's partner left school went back to sit his exams 9 mths later and passed with an A, B, C, and 2Ds!
I would go in and speak to his form master and make a plan. If it needs help why not ask him to contribute to a tutor in order to pass his A levels.

Boulshired · 09/01/2018 19:17

I do think the course has been irresponsible if previous past experience is needed it should be a requirement.

chinam · 09/01/2018 19:18

Feck it. That was meant to bold not cross out. My only excuse is I am being serenaded by my tin whistle playino DC as I type.