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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I take the money from my son?

76 replies

Guardsman18 · 09/01/2018 18:10

Have posted before about money and people's suggestions really helped so I thought I'd ask again WWYD in this situation?

I'll try not to ramble. DS17 was really worried about his A levels, so much work, didn't want to go to uni, behind in course work etc.

He wanted a way out, so we sat down and between us decided that he could leave school, go on a course and learn a trade with a view to becoming an apprentice next year.

I paid the £1000 as well as £70 + books needed and I drove him to the course each week. It became obvious that he was way out of his depth but was learning basic stuff that will stand him in good stead in his life or when/if he goes to college to study this subject.

He has now told me that he doesn't feel the course is for him (I don't either), that he's not as far behind in school as he thought and he doesn't want to go on the course any more. (4 weeks left).

My question is - should I ask him to pay me the money for the course, half of it and the books? I used my last £1000 to pay for it, he has money in his bank account and would probably be more than happy to give it to me.

I hope this makes sense. I think what I'm trying to ask is would this be the 'right' thing to do to teach him something about money or should I just cut my losses?

Feeling like a crap parent btw!

OP posts:
NewBrian · 09/01/2018 19:25

I’d be fuming that he wanted to quit a course that cost a thousand pound 4 weeks before it ended!

Madonnasmum · 09/01/2018 19:26

The best life lesson would be to complete the course. He cam then put on his c.f. that he completed x course. Even without the qualification it could be enough to seperate him from other applicants in the future.
The best life lesson would to make him finish the course, not such a great one to make him repay the cost of a failed one.
Is he academic rather than practical? Has he the ability for A levels or should he try a free vocational course instead?

Madonnasmum · 09/01/2018 19:27

C.f = CV

Brokenbiscuit · 09/01/2018 19:37

Actually, I think you might have a point about the course provider, even though I know you weren't serious. They have charged a lot of money for this course and now the tutor is saying that your ds won't pass. Was it made clear to you when he enrolled that not all participants would pass? That certain skills/abilities would be required? It would be irresponsible for an educator to just take your money without making the requirements clear.

Cowardlycustard2 · 09/01/2018 20:07

Is there a careers advisor at your sons school that both of you could speak with? Education is free for under 19s so I would be concerned that your son has had to pay all that money. He sounds like he is very muddled up at the moment and could benefit from discussing his options with someone that can give him impartial advice on the options available to him. A levels are not for everyone. There are a huge range of alternatives, BTECs, apprenticeships, higher and degree apprenticeships, etc. What is your son interested in doing?

Cowardlycustard2 · 09/01/2018 20:12

Ps notice you said in OP that your son does not want to go to uni, have school not offered careers advice, information about alternatives to uni?

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 09/01/2018 21:24

Thank you for your replies. I am trying to be as honest as I can be and can't help feeling that I am to blame a little.

He's not a grass is greener person - bless him, he hasn't even got to grass never mind further if you get my drift.

I know that A levels are not for everyone which is why I wanted him to do this course. In hindsight - which is a wonderful thing - I should have ensured that he wanted to leave school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Guardsman18 · 09/01/2018 21:49

The more I think about it Broken, the more I think the trainer shouldn't have had him on the course. Had he said that he couldn't provide what son wanted at that time, then I/we wouldn't have gone ahead.

Trainer said he had 3 other people who wanted to do the course. Two 30 year old plumbers and an engineer - didn't know that at the time though.

Am feeling very cross with myself. What a lesson eh?

OP posts:
alotalotalot · 10/01/2018 07:15

If he's not going to pass then it is pointless going there when he could be doing lessons at school instead, which will improve his chances of passing his A levels. It won't have been a wasted experience if it has made him more committed to his A levels.

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 10/01/2018 07:58

That post has made me feel a lot more positive. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Guardsman18 · 10/01/2018 07:59

Re the careers advice, apparently not. Their 6th form only concentrates on Uni. We have an excellent college here though.

OP posts:
Katedotness1963 · 10/01/2018 08:07

I wouldn't take the money from him, specially if you "pushed him into it". I would tell him he had to finish the course though, it's only four more days?

steppemum · 10/01/2018 08:15

for what it is worth, I was miserable all through my A levels. I hated the whole 2 years, and jsut scarped through in the end.

I am, however eternally grateful to my mum who told me to just hang in there and do them and finish, as it would be so much harder to go back and do them when older.

I did go on to Uni, but doing a course I never used again. It wasn't until I was 23 that I decided what I wanted to do. One piece of advice given to me at the time when I was looking for a job was to go and do SOMETHING, as then you can cross things off the lits. Eg, work in a shop, decide if retail is an area you want to train in. Work in a restaurant, is the hospitality industry for you etc.

One result of this was that I quickly realised the benefit of further qualifications in terms of pay and conditions.

steppemum · 10/01/2018 08:15

that should say scraped through, scarpered would be something quite different!

ArchchancellorsHat · 10/01/2018 08:25

OP, not about the course as it sounds like it was mis-sold a bit, but would he look at Modern Apprenticeships? - I'm not sure what qualifications would be needed to enroll, possibly A levels, but it could be a better option for him than uni, and if he's working towards his a levels with a clear idea of where he's going with them it's a bit more motivating than thinking well, I need thse to go to uni, though I don't want to.
The link is for Scotland but the scheme runs in England too.

Cowardlycustard2 · 10/01/2018 16:02

All schools and colleges are required to offer students the opportunity to see qualified careers adviser who can discuss the full range of options with students. There will be someone but he may have to request an appointment. Apprenticeships are available at all levels and areas. To have a look at current apprenticeship vacancies in your area the website is www.findapprenticeship.gov.uk
If your son is in the second year of his A levels then the best thing would be to try and get them finished first and then he would have the advantage of having level 3/ advanced level qualifications for when he starts job hunting.There are loads of apprenticeships and training schemes for people with A levels. If he wants to do something practical/learn a trade then he could look for an apprenticeship in this area and it won’t cost anything for the training under the modern apprenticeship scheme. The Not Going to Uni website also has lots of useful info. Wishing you both the best. In answer to your ABU I would not make him pay back the money as it’s not really his fault it sounds like it was totally unsuitable for him.

Cowardlycustard2 · 10/01/2018 16:29

Ps. Can also start an apprenticeship with GCSEs if really can’t face finishing the A levels.

TeaAndToast85 · 10/01/2018 16:39

I wouldn't. X

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/01/2018 17:19

Do you have a FE College near you? They will have a much more prosaic approach than a VI Form. They should be having Open Days right now! Get your DS to have a look at the non A Level prospectus... BTECs are a good way to work and university (should he change his mind).

He can go and talk to someone with only a vague idea of what he wants to do, get an idea of the shape/requirements of each level and go to another later Open Day if/when he has a better idea on the subject he would want to do.

My usual tip for disinterested / disaffected teens was, if they are even vaguely outdoorsy the Outdoor Education courses can be an eye opener. A well run course can literally open up the whole world.

Good luck

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/01/2018 17:23

All schools and colleges are required to offer students the opportunity to see qualified careers adviser who can discuss the full range of options with students. MMmmmm! Many don't / can't as there hasn't been ring fenced funding or teaching time for a number of years... it is being reintroduced this year!

FE colleges, in the main, kept up with careers advice much more successfully than most schools, hence my advice above!

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 17/01/2018 11:33

I'm not sure whether I should start a new thread about this but I'll have a go!

Regarding my son's course, I can't help feeling that I should be reimbursed in some way by the provider. At least for the time he hasn't been there, not using materials etc.

I might be being a cf but I want to ask him anyway. Email or 'phone?
Can anyone help as to how I word it? Thanks

OP posts:
Stickerrocks · 17/01/2018 12:21

I would email the College/training organisation providing the course (I assume it is more than just a one man band). Explain that your son is going to drop out because it is not being taught at an appropriate level for his ability and that the need for previous experience was not made clear at the outset. Ask if you can be reimbursed for the weeks that he is not attending. If they refuse, ask if there is something more appropriate which he could do at some point in the future with a credit towards the cost. You have nothing to lose by trying!

SandyDenny · 17/01/2018 12:27

No harm in asking at all, do you have any written correspondence with them about the suitability from before he started?

What kind of training place is it ?

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 17/01/2018 14:30

Thank you for your replies.

It is a one man band. That's a good idea about having a bit of credit for something else. I just think the course was far too advanced for him given that the other men are 30+ year old plumbers and an engineer! They get sent on the course by their companies.

I only have the course outline. I did take my son to the training centre to meet the trainer.

How should I broach it?! As you say, no harm in asking

OP posts:
Stickerrocks · 17/01/2018 14:42

Just a very polite email, as I outlined above, explaining why he can't finish the course (because it is pitched at the wrong level for him) and asking if a proportion of his course fees could be credited towards another more appropriate course. Do it by email so you have it in writing and can state clearly the outcome you would like.