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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask Overweight friends this?

64 replies

greengorilla · 09/01/2018 15:01

Name change

I have a history of eating disorders, until last week I have been at a healthy bmi for 20 years.
My best 4 friends are overweight, I love our friendship but I know our friendship is what is making me slip back into my ED.
I have been drafting messages to send for the last few days, asking if they can restrain from talking about weight or dieting in front of me and if I can skip on dinner, spa days etc but I feel like I would be completely unreasonable to do so and will end up causing offence and getting pushed out.

AIBU to bring this up? Any advice how I can handle this

OP posts:

Veryfedup2012 · 09/01/2018 15:02

Not unreasonable.

Explain to them why.

A good friend will understand.

hevonbu · 09/01/2018 15:03

I think it would or might work but only if you emphasize your illness, the eating disorder.

Haudyerwheesht · 09/01/2018 15:03

I'm overweight . If a friend of mine had a mental illness which I was making worse I'd want to know.

Assburgers · 09/01/2018 15:04

You can ask them to stop talking about dieting. You don’t need to mention their weight.

Randomlywondering · 09/01/2018 15:04

Not unreasonable. Explain why and I don't imagine they'll mind at all.

Birdsgottafly · 09/01/2018 15:05

I think it would be better to tackle it as it happens.

I went through a period of anxiety and had to ask a few people to not tell me things relating to the News.

But it needs to be done face-to-face, so what you are saying is misconstrued.

WitchesHatRim · 09/01/2018 15:08

YANBU to ask them not to discuss diets etc around you.

YABVU to mention their weight. It had nothing to do with it.

Original poster

greengorilla · 09/01/2018 15:08

I don't know if I could handle this discussion face to face and I have no idea what to say

OP posts:

Ofthread · 09/01/2018 15:09

Let them know it's nothing to do with weight, it's the talk of dieting.

GingerbreadMa · 09/01/2018 15:09

Yanbu at all. Keep it simple. Just state x,y & z are triggers for me and Im struggling at the moment so please can I only join you for places and times when these topics wont come up for a while.

InDubiousBattle · 09/01/2018 15:13

Do they know about your history of ED op? I was 'on a diet' for about a year and most of my friends didn't know, it's not exactly hard not to bring it up is it? Especially if you know it's upsetting a friend. YANBU.

nutnerk · 09/01/2018 15:14

Dont make it about them (and their overweightness) just focus on you and why doing certain things are difficult for you. Good friends will get it and will be sympathetic.

Tone is everything here! Don't make them feel bad at all.

I'm sure people would help you tweak the message here if you felt like sharing.

IndigoMoonFlower · 09/01/2018 15:16

If they are really your friends, then they should try to understand and help you. There are lots of other nice things you could do together that don't involve eating.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/01/2018 15:16

Just ask them not to talk about food - or 'not food', dieting, around you.

Be clear that this is about you, not them. Their relevant attribute is that they are your friends - so you spend time with them. Their weight is irrelevant. Thin people talk about food too!

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 09/01/2018 15:20

It could and probably should work. Depending on how you phrase it.

But be careful how you word it and emphasise that it’s for your benefit / because of your illness.

Don’t make it about them being overweight or imply that they talk too often / unusually often about dieting etc.

Annabelle4 · 09/01/2018 15:21

Do you mean that you're now underweight OP?

Can you get some help, someone to talk to?

If it's any consolation, it's almost mid January, so I'd expect 'diet talk' to last approximately another week at most.

MonumentalAlabaster · 09/01/2018 15:23

My daughter has had an eating disorder for the past 7 years during which her weight has at times been dangerously low and at other times healthy. People tend to think that when she looks well, she is now completely better and all her anorexic thoughts & feelings about food have gone away, when of course they are still there inside her head and she is struggling every day.

Are your friends aware of your history of eating disorders? Because it could be that they don't realise that even with a healthy BMI for 20 years, you might be struggling?

peachgreen · 09/01/2018 15:23

Not unreasonable at all. I stopped going for lunch with work colleagues because literally ALL they talk about is dieting or the gym and a) it triggered my eating disorder and b) it's really fucking boring!

You have a very good reason to ask them to avoid the topic when you're around. Tbh it would probably be good for them too.

Original poster

greengorilla · 09/01/2018 15:27

This is the message I have

' I don't really know how to bring this up and I want you to know that none of you have done anything wrong. I know I've breifly mentioned my struggle with anorexia and I probably downplayed how serious it was because i have been doing really well and it's something struggle to talk about. Recently I have started to have problems and my weight has been slipping, i don't want this to affect our friendship but I may need to miss out of lunches or spa days etc to take some time for myself. I know weight is an issue for us all and I am really proud of all of you for the weight you are loosing and I know talking about it is helpful for you but to me diet and weight talk is triggering, around me I would appreciate if you could try and limit these conversations and as I still want you to be able to talk about this I will be
happy to not be invited places.'

It seems really petty and like I'm making my problem there's, and I know it's so obvious this isn't going to affect our friendship. I am shaking just rereading that message.

OP posts:

WitchesHatRim · 09/01/2018 15:30

I know weight is an issue for us all and I am really proud of all of you for the weight you are loosing and I know talking about it is helpful for you

Sorry but you need imo to remove that bit.

MrTrebus · 09/01/2018 15:33

know talking about it is helpful for you but to me diet and weight talk is triggering, around me I would appreciate if you could try and limit these conversations and as I still want you to be able to talk about this I will be
happy to not be invited places

Ouch please try and record this bit too "trigger" and "limit" very mumsnetty words, to a normal real life person this sounds very official. I speak as an overweight person currently losing the weight and what I wouldn't want to hear.

MrTrebus · 09/01/2018 15:34

Reword not record

peachgreen · 09/01/2018 15:35

I think you're making too much of their side of things - mentioning their weight / weight loss isn't necessary. I would just say:

"I'm sorry for reaching out via message instead of in person but I find this really hard to talk about -
I hope you don't mind. As you know I've struggled with anorexia in the past. I've been in recovery for a long time and underplayed the severity of it quite a bit as I've been doing so well. However, recently I've had a bit of a relapse and I need to take steps to stop it going any further. One of the most important things I need to do is to avoid talking about dieting / weight so I wanted to ask for your support in avoiding this topic of conversation while I'm around. I would really appreciate it as it will really help me to make sure my recovery gets back on track and I stay physically and mentally well. Thank you so much for your understanding and for your friendship - it means the world to me."

Aridane · 09/01/2018 15:37

Face to face obviously is best. But as this isn't an option for you, I would keep it much shorter (plus remove the reference to their weight struggles).

MonumentalAlabaster · 09/01/2018 15:38

If you sent that to me I would immediately understand.... but I have lived closely with anorexia for 7 years! So I can't judge how it might be received by your friends who perhaps have little/no experience of the illness, but I think WitchesHatRim is probably right about the sentence you should lose - the rest is fine IMO

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