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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask Overweight friends this?

64 replies

greengorilla · 09/01/2018 15:01

Name change

I have a history of eating disorders, until last week I have been at a healthy bmi for 20 years.
My best 4 friends are overweight, I love our friendship but I know our friendship is what is making me slip back into my ED.
I have been drafting messages to send for the last few days, asking if they can restrain from talking about weight or dieting in front of me and if I can skip on dinner, spa days etc but I feel like I would be completely unreasonable to do so and will end up causing offence and getting pushed out.

AIBU to bring this up? Any advice how I can handle this

OP posts:
GingerbreadMa · 09/01/2018 15:38

I think your draft is reasonable.

Ouch please try and record this bit too "trigger" and "limit" very mumsnetty words, to a normal real life person this sounds very official. I speak as an overweight person currently losing the weight and what I wouldn't want to hear

But it IS official. Op has an official illness and official language emphasises the gravity of it. She should NOT use language like "I would rather" etc...this isnt about her preferences this is about her medical needs

Aridane · 09/01/2018 15:38

I like what peachgreen has to say

GottadoitGottadoit · 09/01/2018 15:38

I know weight is an issue for us all and I am really proud of all of you for the weight you are loosing and I know talking about it is helpful for you

This bit sounds patronising. Their weight has nothing to do with your issues.

Perfectly reasonable to ask them to stop though.

cleofatra · 09/01/2018 15:39

that's sounds perfect peachgreen

chewiecat · 09/01/2018 15:41

What peachgreen said is perfect

GottadoitGottadoit · 09/01/2018 15:42

I like peach greens response apart from the Americanism of ‘reaching out’.

Original poster
greengorilla · 09/01/2018 15:44

Thankyou @peachgreen

That does sound a lot better out loud than what I wrote, I just don't want to feel like I'm banning them from talking about their weight/weight loss.

Would it be best if I did this as a group message or to message each individually?

OP posts:
MonumentalAlabaster · 09/01/2018 15:46

Group - then they all get the same message at the same time

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/01/2018 15:47

That’s not too bad, but I’d tweak it a little...

‘I don't really know how to bring this up without getting emotional or upsetting any of you, so I decided it was best to send you all a message. I want you to know that I really value all of your friendships & none of you have done anything wrong, this is simply about what I need right now.

In the past I've briefly mentioned my struggle with anorexia, I down played how serious it was because I have been doing really well and it's something I struggle to talk about. However, recently I have started to have problems and my weight has been slipping.

I want this to have as little impact on our friendship as possible, but I need to look after myself and try to avoid triggers where possible, as I do not want a relapse into full blown anorexia.

At times I will need to opt out of lunches or spa days etc as they can be very triggering.

Any discussion about food, weight and/or diets is masssively triggering and I have to avoid those conversations right now. I am happy to opt out of things if you guys want to talk about those things, but could I ask you to try not to have those conversations when I am there? I know it’s a big ask and it’s easy to forget, but I don’t want to isolate myself from my friends at this difficult time and that’s my only other option.

SunnyCoco · 09/01/2018 15:47

Send it as a group message otherwise it might feel like your singling people out x

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/01/2018 15:49

Cross posted with half of MN!

MrTrebus · 09/01/2018 15:57

@GingerbreadMa yes I know but you don't talk to close friends in an official way because you'd sound like a bit of a twat. "Your conversation is triggering me I want you to limit it" if I got that I'd think WTF where has my friend gone. There is a way of talking about things with people you care about. Anyway I agree peachgreens response was great.

CardinalCat · 09/01/2018 15:58

Good Lord, do not mention their own weight issues, or how proud you are of them for losing weight. The fact that they are 'overweight' is completely irrelevant here.

All you need to say is that you find it hard to listen to discussions about food and/or dieting as it can trigger some thought processes which lead to disordered behaviour and you'd be really grateful if everyone could try to steer away from that kind of chat when you're around.

No need to make it about them, or their issues as you perceive them.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 09/01/2018 15:58

Peachgreen’s text is great imo.
Yes, I’d send it as a group message.

chestylarue52 · 09/01/2018 16:01

There are resources to help you with this

If you google 'no fat talk' or 'fat talk diet' you will find websites to help. My friends and I decided to do this after a late night conversation about how depressing it is talking about our weight all the time. It is brilliant.

GingerbreadMa · 09/01/2018 16:02
  • @GingerbreadMa yes I know but you don't talk to close friends in an official way because you'd sound like a bit of a twat.* Its more twatty to fluff things up You dont expect someone with an allergy to not use words like allergen or anaphylaxis or reaction do you?
Original poster
greengorilla · 09/01/2018 16:19

@MrTrebus

I get what your saying but that's what it is talk about weight and diet talk does trigger my eating disorder. How would you suggest I worded it? That it upsets/annoys me, I feel like that would make me seem more like a twat.

OP posts:
Fatbergs · 09/01/2018 16:21

Op. You can make a big or a little deal as you would like. I would actually make it very brief something:

" as you know I used to have anorexia, and I find January a tough month in terms of hearing constant talk about dieting everywhere. I just need to work on myself at the mo and remove myself from triggering situations, so im v sorry but will need to bail on the foody trips and chat until I get my head straight"

bluebottlebubble · 09/01/2018 16:24

I think TRIGGER is the right word, its not that you are scolding them for being overweight, its just that you don't want them to chat about dieting etc or insist you go to certain meals. Good friends should understand.

Also diet talk is excluding for a lot of people and it can also be boring.

BrimFire · 09/01/2018 16:26

Yes but " a trigger" as in nuts cause an allergic reaction is different to "triggering" which is sounds very woolly.

Could you not replace with "causes" or "sets off" ?

NeverTwerkNaked · 09/01/2018 16:27

Definitely remove the “I know weight is an issue to us all”

I get where you are coming from though. Discussion /obsession over diets sets off difficult thought processes in my head.

MrTrebus · 09/01/2018 16:27

I think peachgreens had it right but it's up to you if you use the word trigger or not.

RitasEducation · 09/01/2018 16:28

I would copy Peachgreen's message. It is perfect for all,

BrimFire · 09/01/2018 16:28

greengorilla perfect. Say that.

HemlockSpartacus · 09/01/2018 16:30

I don't know if it's helpful to you, but a lot of plus size bloggers have written about how triggering weight loss talk can be to them (usually also due to eating disorders)

Showing them one of these might be a way to open up a conversation with them if you are struggling to find the right words.

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