To say I dont want GP contributing to dc Junior ISA anymore or am I Bu?

[NeversayNever2]

Since both dc born DH and I living on a shoe string, so no extra money to put into dc savings for the majority of their lives.
Dh and I put in the odd £50 and then GP put a few hundred in, but it was a stocks and shares one - so that was pretty much wiped out although it did rally a little.

DH were recently in a position to start contributing on a more regular if very small basis of £10 a month! Better than nothing! The way I see it is - the DC just have to make do with what they have, I never had a pot of thousands to draw on when I hit 18...its a bonus if they have anything and the basic use of the money in my mind for them was to either get driving lessons 1, or 2 travel and enjoy themselves a bit...

DH parents have suddenly in past two years decided to contribute to their isas...., the full amount too - wonderful. Im not 100% sure where exactly this is coming from, ie their own pocket, both lost parents recently...does that matter? Probably not, however I find DH parents extremely controlling when it comes to money. Extremely controlling people anyway. Since his dp kind contribution they are delving into how much is in there, saying it should be higher, asking which funds its invested in ( its not its in cash).

I dont know how much more they would put in to be honest but this is going to be handed to the the dc at 18. i would rather they started up their own savings for the GC IF they want that money spent on something in particular.

In my mind this was just a little extra for them. I feel all the dc in DH family have missed out on life experiences because they are encouraged to settle down with houses quickly etc. No one says - go travelling - go and live and see the world, have adventures. I feel a bit stupid writing this but its unlikely dh and I will be high earners so wont this also affect any benefits the dc may need for uni?

Am I being stupid and perhaps its non of my business. Let the GP contribute and take it over...and do another small savings for the dc? It just feels like another area where they are trying to get their hooks in, WWYD? By the way we have a very very up and down relationship with them due to no respecting boundaries and trying to control things. They have been very generous but I would rather go without than have them involved.

but morally it might be putting them in a position of lying

That's the bit you need to teach your kids to deal with.

They don't have to put up with that. It's horribly difficult, but unless someone stands up to them this is going to go on and on and on.

I'd ban money talk, and encourage the kids to just say that their savings are healthy and they are happy. Repeat and repeat.

Thanks kath someone great points, but fil is a human drill 😁 his passion and life purpose is
money.. Little other conversation.. He will drill down the and want to know everything. They will have to put up with Mil Moaning they have been given money...

mum exactly! Pils have tried to call control us so much, down to house furniture, house arrangements... Dc schools everything it's been a huge stressful battle fending them off for over a decade whilst other really tragic stressful stuff has gone on and raising dc etc.

I see the need for money.. It would massively help dh and I in future if they had really good savings.. I don't dislike money.. But... This is with ties.

We have done all the repeat ourselves.. They drill and drill, it's pretty horrific.
And always with disapproval. Which is why I fully believe money handed over for specific stuff would be far healthier...

Fils manner is cold and chilling it's like he has no empathy or emotion.. Unless Mil tells him he should be upset over something.. Usually us

Sounds scarily familiar Never! Can be hard for people to understand this psyche, unless they have firsthand experience. I became all too aware of this conditional 'generosity' very early on in my marriage.
A grand gestured offer by MIL to take me shopping to buy DDs first pram, ended up with me quickly deciding I was buying my own, because she had to decide what I should buy. She still to this day will ask every year what my 17yr old wants for her birthday, and in spite us telling her repeatedly, please don't buy her clothes, we can't even do that! Just give her a few pounds towards buying what she wants. But no, she simply cannot do that, she always has to buy them for her. Can't give her the 20 pounds to spend as she pleases, has to ensure she spends it how SHE wants. It's crazy, and only those of us who experience this on an ongoing basis, truly appreciate how difficult it can be! You have my sympathy

snap.

I happened tonight fall pregnant when other close friends did, their relatives on both sides offered to buy the pram, meaning... They would put money to it order buy it.
Mil kindly offered to get us the pram. Literally go and choose it with dh gm... Without me, no invite for me nothing... And it was decided I should have x pram. This is after going to look at prams with dh. She really upset me. It really made me feel stupid.
We rejected it out right.
We get asked what dc want... But either moan if they get what we ask for or go off piste. There is no winning.

It's a hard thing to explain to others, I remember mentioning my discord with the pram a few years back, and almost being accused of being ungrateful! People just don't understand. We don't ask for it, we don't want their help, yet they insist in some grandiose way, because I truly believe it makes them feel good about themselves. Almost in a narcissistic kind of way. But as you say, there are always ties with this. It will always be on their terms, their grand declarations of 'generosity', would never extend beyond something they can't control. Hence money will never be just given, they either have to spend it for you on what they think you should have, or dictate how it is spent. And in that regard, we just learned to say No.
I mentioned elsewhere how MIL emotionally bribed us into visiting her last year, 24hr flight and huge expense. We've travelled there every 2 / 3 years at our own expense, and she visits here often too, far too often for my sanity. She made the same grand declaration that she would help towards our tickets this time. But she didn't in the end, because we didn't do what she wanted while we were there, we took 3 days out of 21/2 weeks, to go somewhere on our own as a family, and she was just not happy.
My parents died with next to nothing, yet happily gave their last penny without condition or control. His parents are millionaires, yet everything they have ever given him, or declared they would give him, has most definitely been with the most stifling condition. And as soon as we became a family, it has been surprisingly easy since, to just say No. Much as we need it sometimes, and much as she knows it, we will never cross that line.
So I definitely understand your situation Never, the ISA is already in place now, so it's harder to extract their involvement at this stage. As another poster said, I think your children will probably learn how to handle any unwanted interference in their affairs as they grow older. It is surprising how intuitive children can be, and teaching them the art of polite resistance, may well come in handy one day! Best of luck with it all

I get what you're saying and it's probably quite hard to say to them to set up their own account for the children when they're already happily paying into their existing ISA. This way, however, you have control of the money once they pay it in as the GPs aren't signatories on the account etc. If they set up accounts for the children, they'll have even more control.

Others are right, that the kids really can do what they want with the money and no one will know. They could go on to meet partners and move away, you'll be the people they see, not their aunts/uncles/GPs. The GPs are big in your life as they're DH's parents and any aunts/uncles are DH's siblings, they're all one step further removed for your children.

I would however, separate yours & DH's savings for the children from the GPs, so I'd find a different account. If you wanted an ISA (I think kids can have a cash and S&S but only pay in one max amount across both which might not help), I'd pay into yours/DH's up to the max and keep track of what's yours and theirs. Or find a non-ISA account to use. That way, the GPs money is separate and they can truly have your gift with no strings.

@mumto2two

Exactly same situation here my dp have also passed away and ended up with very little after destructive divorce... However the difference in quality of life, happiness positivity is vast compared to millionaire pils! We have had exactly the same messing about over so many things over the years, nothing is straight forward. Nothing.
They are so miserable!! Constantly in a state of worry about their money. As said previously, lassood everyone in the family with this panic over cash.. As said dh used to come out without wallet he was terrified of spending money.

So stifling! Money is supposed to buy you freedom from the worry but not in their case. And yet Mil says she has to worry about money unlike her far, even more wealthy friend.

Thanks purple.
We didn't ask them to suddenly start paying in though.. I don't know why they have or even where the money is coming from. I'm quite sure hundreds of gp save for Thier gc in many other ways other than the isa.

It's utterly farcical thinking of dm in her last little house.. Packed in from massive down size, lots of her stuff went missing.. Laughing away, finding life funny as ever, compared to Mil sat in huge huge house, pristine got everything she wants... New cars on drive, Sat Moaning! Always.

I would definitely encourage them to set up separate accounts for your children. Let them choose it & look after it. Your children will then have the choice of what to do with the money when they are old enough.
Don’t mix your contributions with theirs & then they have no need to question you about it.

That's funny Never. Think we've got the parents in common too!
Same here..such happy positive people, had so many problems, health, tragedy, money and otherwise..yet no matter what life threw at them, we always managed to laugh and have fun together. Money was never an issue..even when we had none.
And then there's people like the Inlaws, hell bent on building their pots of capital. Life's mission is to accumulate and procreate the desire to accumulate! She lives in her huge multi million pound house, surrounded by the SIL puppets in their million pound houses..and yet they all seem miserable and dull and bored. Life could smack them in the face..and they wouldn't know it. Emotionless doesn't come close.
As my mum used to say..life can be too perfect sometimes

Or as my dm used to say, the more you have the moreover you have to worry about!! The key for the my dp was money or lack of it didn't define who they were, be it sat on old chair from the skip or Louis ix chair with Mil it very much who she is.

Great to know someone else out there has same rod to bear and sil is worshipped, she has it.. She understands this importance to accumulate so much so she rarely bothers with her only neice, nephews... Sometimes turning up with one gift for one, cheap crap and nothing for the other. They don't mind this... They have saved money.