To say I dont want GP contributing to dc Junior ISA anymore or am I Bu?

[NeversayNever2]

Since both dc born DH and I living on a shoe string, so no extra money to put into dc savings for the majority of their lives.
Dh and I put in the odd £50 and then GP put a few hundred in, but it was a stocks and shares one - so that was pretty much wiped out although it did rally a little.

DH were recently in a position to start contributing on a more regular if very small basis of £10 a month! Better than nothing! The way I see it is - the DC just have to make do with what they have, I never had a pot of thousands to draw on when I hit 18...its a bonus if they have anything and the basic use of the money in my mind for them was to either get driving lessons 1, or 2 travel and enjoy themselves a bit...

DH parents have suddenly in past two years decided to contribute to their isas...., the full amount too - wonderful. Im not 100% sure where exactly this is coming from, ie their own pocket, both lost parents recently...does that matter? Probably not, however I find DH parents extremely controlling when it comes to money. Extremely controlling people anyway. Since his dp kind contribution they are delving into how much is in there, saying it should be higher, asking which funds its invested in ( its not its in cash).

I dont know how much more they would put in to be honest but this is going to be handed to the the dc at 18. i would rather they started up their own savings for the GC IF they want that money spent on something in particular.

In my mind this was just a little extra for them. I feel all the dc in DH family have missed out on life experiences because they are encouraged to settle down with houses quickly etc. No one says - go travelling - go and live and see the world, have adventures. I feel a bit stupid writing this but its unlikely dh and I will be high earners so wont this also affect any benefits the dc may need for uni?

Am I being stupid and perhaps its non of my business. Let the GP contribute and take it over...and do another small savings for the dc? It just feels like another area where they are trying to get their hooks in, WWYD? By the way we have a very very up and down relationship with them due to no respecting boundaries and trying to control things. They have been very generous but I would rather go without than have them involved.

I am a waffler too - yes I used wrong word I meant Grants etc

I agree with the suggestion to sign over the ISA to them. They can contribute what they want and invest it in what they want. As it's for your child it can't come with strings for you. It's up to them if they put money in and you stay out of it.

Set up your own ISA for savings for your child. It will also give you control over when the money is given and what for.

I don't know what people mean when they say, set up own isa for child.

I have my own isa, I'm not sure if I can open another?

Also on the amount we talking surely there are other saving vehicles they can use for the gc? Will tax efficiency mean that much?

Forget about the money. The best investment you can make with these GPs is to teach your children about boundaries, assertiveness and developing an internal locus (caring what you think about yourself). If you can teach those things, and model them, your child will be capable of telling the GPs where to go with their judgement and disappointment.

But you HAVE to model these things yourself.

Mrs the problem is Mil makes people feel sorry for her and fil literally enforces it.

Standing up to Mil now after a long decade of negative abuse, my dd looks at me like a mad woman because of poor Mil....

And your job is the teach your children how to deal with difficult people.

We teach people how to treat us (disclaimer: with some people that means avoiding them altogether).

I have just seen the response you gave about my post upthread. My mother is very very similar to your inlaws. Controlling, narcissistic, critical, constantly disappointed in me etc. Father deceased. Her second husband stuck by her like glue (he wouldn’t have dared do otherwise) and was therefore very controlling as well. So I also had 2 controllers.

I stand by what I said upthread. The cousins are choosing to be controlled. They just don’t realise they have a choice to be controlled or not to be controlled because no one ever taught them this. I used to be just like them. Then I got a very very good therapist, who taught me about boundaries and how to deal with difficult personalities and helped me to give myself permission to go nc with my brother and sil. I’m still a work in progress btw.

As mrsTP says, your role in this situation as a parent is to teach your children about boundaries, dealing with difficult personalities and honouring themselves and their values. And you will make a great start if you learn to stop being hooked in yourself by these people. Your children will then learn through you. I can tell you this works as I’m doing the same with my dd. She makes her boundaries at home very clear. As a child, I didn’t have the ability to make any as they were permanently shot down. Dds are respected.

Mummy believe me we have been down many routes with them including very low contact! I agree with everything you say, to you. It's a little tricky for us as they control access to wider family, Mil is madly manipulative.. Fil is focused hard core competitive person.
Dd has got a good boundaries and she told Mil to get stuffed a while ago but unfortunately when she is there, sil, bil, fil all enter into same game. Anyway I'm rambling!
It's just a horrid situation to be in... Dh is strong but also weak.
I feel fil can save in another vehicle for dc, he is very financially savvy and then they can choose to hand it over for various things.

But re control.. Like I said it's a way of life, like some families are far left and indoctrinate dc on being far left or families who are madly religious.
In dh family money, saving it etc to is the main theme in everything.

Thanks . Go your dd! The reason we are nc with sil is because of the way she treated dd at my stepdads funeral (the only grandfather dd ever knew). Sil screamed at her for crying about something because it was upsetting her pfb. This is the pfb, who didn’t really have an attachment to this grandpa so wasn’t really affected by the day. Dd was 8 at the time and sil was the only one upsetting her pfb.

Both brother and sil have been horrible to dd. We put up with a few episodes but this one was the last straw. Their general behaviour that day was disgusting, including dumping their kid on me so they could stay at the pub after the wake and get drunk.

My mother used to control a certain amount of access to the wider family and liked communication to go through her and I just went along with it. Again I had no other benchmark.

I know exactly what you mean about all entering into the game. They make you think you’re in the wrong. You contort yourself into every different position just to try to be accepted and to try not to be a target.

My mother sees her son as all good and I’m all bad. I have ME. When he has seen me ill he has threatened to hit me/ deck me on more than one occasion. When I told my mother categorically I would not be in contact with him again because of the violence, she denied the childhood violence, said he wouldn’t hit me, then when I brought up an example of where he pushed me over when he was fighting with his wife, she blamed me. He was then violent toward me at the burial of stepdads ashes. That was the last straw for me. My mother has conveniently explained that away as my fault too. “We know what you’re like” etc.

Oops I meant to get to the reason for posting all that. What I’m trying to say is, I’m sure you have a lot of examples about crazy behaviour in your dh’s family. I still think you should take the money.

My mother has always been very controlling over money too. Including lying to me about keeping her car for me to use in my final year of university as she didn’t want me to take it abroad on my placement. Then when I visited at Easter said she’d decided I should save the cash from my job (year out placement from uni) and whatever I’d saved, she’d match to buy me a car. I’d saved nothing. I almost starved myself for the last 3 months of pay packets and got £1k only for her to play dumb when I appeared with the cash. No car.

Subsequently she and my stepdad lent and gave us some cash for a deposit on a house. I am grateful. Yet it still doesn’t diminish all the years of punitive punishments, the car incident amongst others and goading to say “no pocket money this week” and escalate to a month because I got angry, called her a bitch or something.

Still I take whatever she gives and I stick two fingers up to being told how I spend it. If one day she decides disinherit me, so be it. But I will not be controlled with money any longer. She gives me money, great, she doesn’t, that’s something I will have to deal with too.

I don't know what people mean when they say, set up own isa for child.

I have my own isa, I'm not sure if I can open another?

Do you max out yours and your DH’s ISA allowances every year? It didn’t sound like you had enough spare cash to be doing that - individuals can save up to £20,000 a year over all the stocks & shares etc so that’s £40,000 between you both.

So just save for your DC in the ISAs you already have a d keep track on a spreadsheet how much each child has.

Or open a savings account fir each of them (in your name) and do it that way.

My point is, if they are controlling just stop fighting it. Drop the rope. Let them have the Junior ISAs, do your own thing.

It will be much less hassle than persuading them to use a different product.

If they go on to uni or further education this money could make a huge difference to them - starting a life with minimal debts or crippling loans to pay back.

My in-laws are controlling about money too and contribute to my kid's savings, but I suck it up because giving my kids the best possible start in life is worth biting my tongue occasionally. Since neither of my kids will be allowed to fritter it away on booze or nights out - other people worked hard to earn that money - they're sensible and aware that it will have to be used for their education, training, a car or a house deposit.

ok no squirrals! I understand now - no we dont max out allowance at all! DC a;already have more savings than we do but I think pils can do this..instead...

Mummy's that's all so awful, but that sounds more like my family was now nealry all deceased... Dm never hearing a bad word about aggressive son etc dh family are more of the nurse ratchet... One flew over cookcoo nest style of horror cold no emotion...

Ahh to be truly blessed with difficult family on both sides. Dhs is difficult for different reasons as well. Sorry your family was also shit to you.

Since neither of my kids will be allowed to fritter it away on booze or nights out - other people worked hard to earn that money

Quizzly - I hope they stay sensible and use the money as you want (I have 20/almost 18yo with a large inheritance so have similar problem) but just be aware that all financial institutions write to the DC as they approach their 18th, and the money automatically becomes theirs.

So, parents cannot hold back bank books, or not prevent them having online logins etc - our login to DS ISA account became defunct on his 18th and he had to set up his own straight away.

Whilst my two are very sensible and realize that their not -inconsiderable inheritance (which came out of the blue from a cousin of mine that they hardly knew) is a great house deposit, should either decide to blow it on themselves or others, there is absolutely nothing we could do!!

Op - please consider letting the GPs manage the DC ISA accounts, and put the money into Stocks and Shares funds. Cash will never outperform S&S over the longer term. We make sure that we drip feed monthly (to even out the stock market peaks and troughs) and into a range of funds (DC had 4 funds before they got an inheritance, even with only about £150/month going in from us, it has grown considerably). The max monthly payment is £344 into a Junior ISA, which gives even more scope for growth.

However controlling the GPs like to be, they will have no say over how the money is spent when DC reach 18. As per my last post, if the ISAs are managed online, access will change to the DC on their 18th, and the DC can add to it or withdraw as they like, with the GP having no knowledge of what they are doing.

You can then save separately for them, whether in savings accounts, or by putting more into your own ISAs (but maybe then consider what happens if you die...you may want to leave a % of your ISAs to DC rather than each other). And again, if your ISAs are in cash, please consider moving them. As long as the money doesn't go into a fund in a lump sum, but is drip fed, then it should grow much better in S&S than cash.

DC already have more savings than we do

In that case you should definitely save in your own ISAs with a note about how much you’ve saved for each child - in the event of needing access to savings (never say never) it would be much better to have more in your own accounts fir emergencies, even if eventually you intend to gift it to DC.

Usual financial advice says make sure you’re saving enough for yourselves first (retirement, pensions etc) and then save for the children. I know emotionally this is a difficult thing to persuade yourself of because I am a bit guilty of it too!

Kath they would constantly ask the dc about it, pin them down down... Direct them on what to spend the money on. Yes dc can do what they like legally but morally it might be putting them in a position of lying.

By the time your dc take control of their money, your pils will be older and possibly more preoccupied with their own problems. In any case, it is up to your dc to decide, when the time comes, whether they would 'rather go without than have them involved'. They will be their own people, with their own relationship with their gps, without your troubled history.

I think you've worked this out already, but what you need to do is
a) Let GPs take over funding and management of Junior ISAs
b) Either start separate ISAs in you own names and use some of the parents allowance to fund it, or actually just use the same ISAs you already have and keep track of each persons share of it.

I have two ISA accounts with two different providers, one for my money and one for DD gift from GPs. (DD Junior ISA limits too low for GP gift, so each year I move a chunk from DD money held in my name into the Junior ISA. By the time she's 18 it should all have moved across.)

but morally it might be putting them in a position of lying

So, if that's what they need to do, some white lying wont go amiss. And to be honest after 18, maybe away at uni, how often will DC see their grandparents? My two are close to PIL, but I think DS saw them once from last Christmas to this, as part of an annual caravan holiday we join them on. We did see them at other times, but he was away at uni or studying.

All the DC have to say, is The money is still in my ISA - the GPs will have no way of knowing if it is true or not, and no way of checking up. I would have no way of knowing if DS had spent all his, except he asks for my help in moving the non ISA money between funds, plus he allows me to know his ISA login, as I am covering any charges he gets at present, so it doesn't reduce his allowance, and I can pay them via card from his account.

How old are your DC, and how old are the GPs? Are they really going to be asking lots of questions when the DC are in their 20s and ready to buy a house?

And given how my DC ISA funds have grown, without the full monthly amount, if your PIL do put full amount in, then your DC should have more than enough for travelling plus a deposit. They should also be encouraged to work as well, both mine have had PT jobs, its good for them!

I certainly wouldn't turn down the money for my DC. I would get the DC to deal with the questions as they arise.

OP, your inlaws sound very much like mine! And I totally understand where you are coming from.
In our case however, our kids have nothing given to them, by way of ISAs or anything else, because it really is an indirect method of control. We save small amounts into our kids ISAs, but if we ever allowed MIL to contribute, she'd be demanding growth projections and would want to know how they intend to spend it once they came of age!