To suddenly be feeling very uneasy about letting my ex have contact with our child

[gnomesweetgnome]

(Sorry this is gonna be long) Me and ex split up a few months ago and I found out I was pregnant shortly after. He begged me to abort, I went to have an abortion, couldn't go through with it, so then went NC with him for about a month, started to prepare for single motherhood and was pretty happy to do so.

He then contacted me saying he wanted to be involved and I was happy for him to be, he was a bit indecisive the first couple of weeks, umming and arring about if he was totally sure but has now come to a firm decision and seems to be excited and happy about the baby, though still thinks it's my responsibility to provide everything for baby on my own and I get the impression he's just going to swan in and visit the baby as and when he feels like it.

Last night, I came across a load of screenshots in my phone from when I first found out I was pregnant and he was absolutely disgusting towards me. Just a couple of examples of things he said to me when I said I didn't want an abortion: he reeled off a list of all the people he'd slept with since we broke up to try and hurt me, called me a slut and a whore and said the baby probably wasn't even his, said he hated this child, wished I'd lose it, said I was playing god by not having an abortion when he wanted me to have one. I remember he'd purposely say things to upset me then laugh down the phone at me with his friends, all them things I felt just came rushing back. There's so much more than that as well. Just makes me wonder how he could go from all that to suddenly wanting to be a father. I wish he'd never got back in touch after everything he's said

I suddenly just feel repulsed at the thought of having him near this child. I know emotions were high then but this was only a couple of months ago. I'm upset he never properly apologised for the things he said and that when he got back in touch to say he wanted to be involved he was indecisive.

AIBU to still be upset and reeling from a lot of the stuff he said? Should I mention it or leave it in the past?

Yanbu. That's a horrible way to treat you especially when you're having his baby.
You won't be expected to be separated from your baby for a long time so contact will be supervised by you.
and congratulations

Personally I couldn't move on positively from that! Hoping he isn't on the bc? Let him go down the legal route then you know his intentions are honest. Or you won't rest while he has the baby. Having a df should not be at the expense of the dm mental health imo.

Honestly I don't think I could get past what he has said. I would withdraw from him and let him go the legal/court route if he truly wants to be involved. If you let him just come in and out he'll claim he never wanted the child so won't give you any money but then when he fancies seeing the baby he'll say he wants visitation, which he'll do but then swan off again doing nothing and not actually being a part of your child's life.
I would hold off putting him on the birth certificate until you know better what he is actually planning.

Perfectly reasonable for you to be upset, but he's not seeking a relationship with you, he's seeking a relationship with his child, and you need to separate the two things. You would be unreasonable to deny your child a relationship with their father just because YOU can't stand him, yes.

wow, poor you, of course yanbu, I'd be pretty worried about leaving a new born in his care if that's how he is :/

Remind him that maintenance is payable for your child from the day it is born, and can be taken from his wages at source if he tries to avoid it. You wont see him for dust.

I would absolutely do no contact and would never trust someone that had said those things to me.

I would hold off to on putting his name on the birth certificate and there is no way on earth I would be encouraging any kind of contact.

If he wants some rights there is the legal route, but personally I would not be aiding any of this. You can not possibly leave a newborn with him, and your child's needs for a father come secondary to your safety and wellbeing. Give his abusive outbursts this must be questionable at best.

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do, but I would still allow supervised contact.

If you are happy for him to come to yours, then I would allow it with another adult present.

Before that though, I would send him list of the things that the baby needs and ask which ones he's getting. If it's important items then I would set a reasonable deadline for it arriving so that you have time to sort it if he lets you down. For example, if he was buying a crib, say you need it by 36 weeks.

Also ask him about child support arrangements.

His responses to supporting his child will indicate whether he wants to be a Father or play at being one. Take small steps that you are comfortable with, he has to understand that because of his behaviour and words that you will have trouble trusting him with the baby. He can rebuild that trust by behaving like a responsible adult and father.

Has he made any kind of apology for the way he treated you with those messages?
I agree with the PP who said that the proposed relationship is between him and the child, not him and the OP. However, by definition, the OP and her ex will need to have a relationship of sorts, as they co-parent. The OP has every right to feel resentment for the way she was treated and I think it would be unhealthy to carry those feelings into any new arrangement involving a child.

OP, I think you need to speak to him, be completely honest, and tell him what you've told us. That is, that you are keen to facilitate a father-child relationship, but that you are still upset, understandably, from his treatment over you and that you would like an apology, and assurances that nothing of this nature happens again.

Some men go a bit funny when pregnancies happen, my own partner had a wobble, even though our baby was planned, and although he didn't speak to me the way that yours did, he did mention abortion, and questioned whether the time was right after all too have this baby (I was THIRTY FUCKING NINE. And fizzing.) He saw sense very quickly and apologised unreservedly for his behaviour, which was a 'flight reaction' that he had to face head on and deal with. This acceptance of blame and apology is why we were able to move on. I appreciate that you are not in a couple with this man, but I still think you need to set some ground rules for his behaviour towards you as a co-parent, to ensure that these kind of vile outbursts never happen again.

Having said that, if there is any indication that he has a temper or would repeat this behaviour then I would be cautious. I would be sorely tempted not to put him on the birth certificate, and to give him a trial run, before handing over any Parental Responsibility to him. How much do you need his financial contribution?

There really doesn't seem to be any way back from that. He's a piece of work, isn't he? Wants contact and input, doesn't want to contribute financially. You and your baby are better off without him.

That’s disgusting. This isn’t someone that simply preferred it if you had an abortion. Or someone that went a bit funny / had a wobble.
He was verbally abusing you and trying to make you have one using verbal abuse and intimidation imo (laughing down the phone with mates etc).

I don’t think I could trust him around DC.

I’m so sorry

Congratulations.

Go with your gut. You are right, I promise you.

Couple of things: as you are not married to him (is that right), he can only be registered as the father if he is there with you to do so.

If you go by yourself, and your not married, you can put down father unknown.

Obviously that will have consequences in terms of child support, and your kid later on (start giving some thought now about how you are going to tell your child about their father, and why they aren't around. The sooner you make it a normal part of the conversation the better).

You aren't wrong, you are right, and you are doing it for your child first and foremost. You don't need to be two parents in one, just be yourself. You got this.

He sounds horrible. I wouldn't even want the baby to have his surname. Go with yours.

Please don't let him swan in when feels like. If he's going to expect you to provide everything for the baby, then get the child maintenance started from day 1.

I would be tempted to tell him to go to court for access.

Please don't let him swan in to your life to see baby when ever he wants.

Are you sure the baby would be safe under his care, after everything he has said in front of his friends. I'd be worried about the babies welfare to be honest.

baby, though still thinks it's my responsibility to provide everything for baby on my own and I get the impression he's just going to swan in and visit the baby as and when he feels like it.

I wouldn’t put him on the bc. He can go the legal route if he genuinely cares.

How are your finances? Do you have people that support you? (Parents, siblings etc?)

Absolutely Cherry! All that swanning in and out is so damaging to children - especially when he's already hoping that the child isn't his, and he's happy to denigrate the child's mother.

That is not father material and the child is better off by far not being burdened with that growing up.

Your child has the right to know the name of his father, even a feckless one.

So think hard about “not putting his name on the birth certificate” as some sort of punishment.

YANBU to feel hurt and upset, of course you’re not.

Maintenance and contact can be sorted and arranged legally and by a third party and you need not have any communication outside of arrangements for the child.

As PP said, while your baby is very young he won’t be snatched away from you to spend time with the big, bad ex.

He is a prick, but that doesn’t mean he’ll be a bad father and contact is and should be about the rights of the child and not the adults involved.

You may find that he couldn’t be arsed. He could end up being a brilliant and supportive Dad. There’s no way of knowing at this time.

For now, I would keep a distance, inform him of what he needs to know, and get something in place for maintenance for when baby arrives. Because he has a financial responsibility whether he’s in your child’s life or not.

What a cunt! I'm angry on your behalf OP.

I can only echo what PPs have said:

Do not put his name on the BC.

Give baby your surname.

Make sure he knows you will be expecting maintenance from him as is his responsibility.

Let him go down the legal route to get contact if you want.

Don't get rid of those screenshots. You might need them in future.

clearly not that excited about the baby as he expects you to pay, and I doubt he will be dealing with excreta. Disney dad, I think it is called?

after all that abuse I think the only involvement he gets is paying, and whatever the courts let him have.

Your child has the right to know the name of his father, even a feckless one. So think hard about “not putting his name on the birth certificate” as some sort of punishment.

Not putting the name on the bc isn’t just done as a punishment. There are valid reasons.... And assuming that the OP wouldn’t tell DC the name of the father is slightly presumptuous imo, isn’t it?

I would say to him:
Firstly, let's remember that you were adamant you didn't want this child and you didn't want to be a father at that time. I decided to have this baby on my own without support from you. So that's where I'm starting from, and I'm still starting from there'.
Then I would keep saying 'only time will tell. Let's not jump into the future until it happens. We'll have to wait and see what our experience is of you in this relationship. You were fairly abusive to me previously so I don't want that for my child. So like I said, we will take each day as it comes'
Don't indulge him or go along with any sort of descriptive fantasies or promises or big talk of things that he imagines happening in the future 'it'll be great. I will take them to the park everyday while you are at work' or 'my mum will babysit anytime you like' or 'it'll be great being a dad, my brother says it's great'. etc etc. That's all words.
Keep bringing him back to the basics, to the here and now and taking each day, each week as it happens.
It would be great for your child to have a responsible adult father in their life. But not someone who blames others for their own anger.
Put your own name on the birth cert. It can be changed later if things change.

Not putting the fathers name on the bc in this case is just plain common sense. And its a matter of safety. His texts have been verbal violence, which is always a precursor to actual violence.

And this is text book behaviour from someone who is emotionally (at the very least) abusive.

OP, you are having those instincts for a reason. Listen to them. Believe them. Believe in yourself.

Well said Sadie

Whatever you do don't put his name on the birth certificate and give the baby your surname. That's a priority, don't let him persuade you otherwise.

After changing his mind he had decided he wants all of his rights but none of the responsibility??? Men are so shit. Keep him out of your life as much possible. Make sure he knows he has to contribute financially.

Your relationship with him is quite different from his relationship with his child. It's not about either of you and your feelings, its about the childs right to have both parents in their life. Keep that at the forefront of your mind instead of revenge and recrimination about your relationships.