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AIBU?

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Original poster

To suddenly be feeling very uneasy about letting my ex have contact with our child

54 replies

gnomesweetgnome · 09/01/2018 10:12

(Sorry this is gonna be long) Me and ex split up a few months ago and I found out I was pregnant shortly after. He begged me to abort, I went to have an abortion, couldn't go through with it, so then went NC with him for about a month, started to prepare for single motherhood and was pretty happy to do so.

He then contacted me saying he wanted to be involved and I was happy for him to be, he was a bit indecisive the first couple of weeks, umming and arring about if he was totally sure but has now come to a firm decision and seems to be excited and happy about the baby, though still thinks it's my responsibility to provide everything for baby on my own and I get the impression he's just going to swan in and visit the baby as and when he feels like it.

Last night, I came across a load of screenshots in my phone from when I first found out I was pregnant and he was absolutely disgusting towards me. Just a couple of examples of things he said to me when I said I didn't want an abortion: he reeled off a list of all the people he'd slept with since we broke up to try and hurt me, called me a slut and a whore and said the baby probably wasn't even his, said he hated this child, wished I'd lose it, said I was playing god by not having an abortion when he wanted me to have one. I remember he'd purposely say things to upset me then laugh down the phone at me with his friends, all them things I felt just came rushing back. There's so much more than that as well. Just makes me wonder how he could go from all that to suddenly wanting to be a father. I wish he'd never got back in touch after everything he's said

I suddenly just feel repulsed at the thought of having him near this child. I know emotions were high then but this was only a couple of months ago. I'm upset he never properly apologised for the things he said and that when he got back in touch to say he wanted to be involved he was indecisive.

AIBU to still be upset and reeling from a lot of the stuff he said? Should I mention it or leave it in the past?

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/01/2018 11:52

Totally agree with Sadie and ALuner Explorer. Proceed with extreme caution. I also dislike the idea of a verbally cruel and abusive man being in charge of a young baby, particulary when he has to display his hilarious behaviour in front of his laughing friends for their entertainment. Alarm Bells. It sounds like this sudden interest in fatherhood is a fad, particularly as he's got no intention of any financial responsibility. He could use this position to rule your life. Get legal advice and protect yourself as much as you can.

SparklyLights · 09/01/2018 12:04

Has this guy ever been violent or physically abusive in any way toward you, or anyone else that you know of? It's clear he is verbally abusive, but what about physically abusive?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/01/2018 12:08

though still thinks it's my responsibility to provide everything for baby on my own and I get the impression he's just going to swan in and visit the baby as and when he feels like it.

No. You need to get this sorted out before baby arrives.

No maintenance = no contact.

Do not let him 'swan in and out' - either he's in 100% or not at all.

Stand up for yourself and your baby here, this has the potential to set the tone for the rest of your life, and you need to take it seriously and set the boundaries clearly and firmly.

Do not allow unsupervised contact at all. Especially during first few years when little one is most vulnerable.

I understand why you're upset about what he said (because its vile) but you need to calm down on the emotional front and think of the practicalities here. Also would advise getting legal advice.

May50 · 09/01/2018 12:12

Definitely give the baby your surname. I was happily living with my partner when I had our DC and I still gave DC my surname (we separated a few years down the line so I'm very glad that DC has my surname - particularly as ExP is not interested in being involved in the parenting)

MatildaTheCat · 09/01/2018 12:41

One piece of advice from me is to absolutely and definitely do not allow him to be present at the birth.

I’ve seen it so many times. Uncommitted men suddenly feel they have a right be be there for the birth. Emotions run high and there is bonding over the new baby. This lasts for an extremely short time before he remembers what a twat he is and reverts to normal. New mother is left devastated and used.

Best wishes and keep strong.

bakewelltarty · 09/01/2018 12:44

No maintenance does NOT equal no contact. They are two separate issues.

He of course should pay maintenance. However, I'm not sure how you would obtain that if you take some advice on here and don't put his name on the Birth Certificate.

You have every right to be hurt and angry over the way he has treated you. However, your feelings do not come first when you have a child. He/she will have a right to a relationship with their father and you cannot take this away from them unless he poses real a risk to the health and wellbeing of the child.

You do not have to have a relationship with this man and as a P.P has already said, contact can take place through a third party with little input from you.

DrMarthaJones · 09/01/2018 12:54

No maintenance = no contact

children are not pay per view Hmm

Of course he should pay maintenance, but then you'll have to put him on the BC and he will have parental rights. Which he should have.
You can't have it both ways.

HotelEuphoria · 09/01/2018 12:57

What a twunt.

Can someone enlighten me though of the benefits of leaving a child's biological father off the birth certificate?

DrMarthaJones · 09/01/2018 13:03

They don't have PR unless they go to court and get it. (which is easily done so not particularly good advice to give out anyway)

QueenAmongstMen · 09/01/2018 13:27

Do not give the baby his surname and do not put him on the birth certificate.

I have a very strong sense that this guy will swan in and out of this child's life with no real care or sense of responsibility so I would just prepare to go it alone.

I agree that you should suggest sitting down together to draw up a list of EVERYTHING the baby will need, from pairs of socks to the pushchair and ask him how he wants to give you his half?

I have a feeling he will tell you he's not paying for anything because you're the one who wanted the baby and he didn't....

I wouldn't waste your time worrying about this because as another poster has said, once you start
Mentioning finances you'll see what kind of father he wants to be (a crap one) and when the novelty of the new baby wears off I'm pretty sure you won't see him for dust.

OpenthePickles · 09/01/2018 13:36

He's probably only got in touch because his family are trying to make him do the right thing. He'll probably do the bare minimum of parenting, pay no maintenance, kick up a stink if and when you meet a new partner and just generally create drama and chaos in your life. I've seen his type many times before.

Iflyaway · 09/01/2018 14:06

Ugh, what a horrible way to treat you.

Sounds like he wants to keep yanking your chain and that would be terrible to have your child in the middle.

Congratulations by the way!

Iflyaway · 09/01/2018 14:08

Oh, and this: thinks it's my responsibility to provide everything for baby on my own

Tells you all you need to know really......

TakeTheCrown · 09/01/2018 15:27

I agree with above pp's. Save yourself so much strife in future and do not put him on the birth certificate. You wouldn't be able to change the baby's name without his permission, you might not be able to leave the country without a letter from him, you don't need to hand him the power to play controlling games with you and your baby!

And next time he calls to talk about the baby, bring up maintenance. If he's going to be in her/his life, it's reasonable to assume he will help share the costs of raising him/her. If he backs off at a million miles a minute, or throws a tantrum he's not ready to be a father...

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 09/01/2018 15:30

My ex paid csa and isn't on the bc. They wrote to him, offered dna tests, he refused so is assumed to be the df. He paid for a short while then went self employed and made out he was skint. He never wanted to see the dc.

QueenAmongstMen · 09/01/2018 15:40

My friend also receives child maintenance through the CSA despite the father not being on the BC.

DrMarthaJones · 09/01/2018 15:41

They have to agree to pay it in that case, or have been married at the time of birth. Otherwise you could name anyone you like as your kids dad.

MotheringMilly · 09/01/2018 16:08

Whatever happens do not give that child his surname, you will regret it for the rest of your life, every time you fill out a form you will be reminded of him and even going abroad on holiday could prove problematic!

He does have an equal right to see the child but that doesn’t mean you have to make it easy for him. Try and ignore him for the time being, if he persists tell him to get in touch when the baby is approximately 6 months old or something and you can come to an agreement regarding contact then. If he asks why 6 months tell him you will be breast feeding the baby so contact will not be possible prior to this. Hopefully he will lose interest.

Does he live close by?

TakeTheCrown · 09/01/2018 16:38

He does have an equal right to see the child but that doesn’t mean you have to make it easy for him.

The child has the right to see both parents, it's a important distinction.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/01/2018 17:11

DrMarthaJones

You are 100% wrong about maintenance and being on the BC/PR.

It makes not one jot of difference whether he is on the BC or not, and he doesnt have to agree to pay it. If that where the case then all a man would have to do is refuse to attend the registration of birth (which he has to do to be on the BC if the couple are not married, this prevents the woman putting just anyones name as the father) and he then couldnt be chased for child support.

The OP applies, CSM conact him. He either requests DNA testing if he believes he child isnt his (he pays if he is, mother pays if he isnt) or he doesnt and it is agreed that he is the father. He is then pursued for the payments.

Dont give out "facts" when you clearly dont have a clue what you are talking about.

CherryMaDeara · 09/01/2018 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/01/2018 18:49

It’s a very big decision here OP and one to not take lightly

Is he mature enough to have a sit down proper meeting to discuss

Given his text message and behaviour you have some concerns
What are his intentions re this child

  • access
  • his family
  • maintenance
  • birth certificate

His reaction to this sensible discussion will tell you what you need to know . You can also tell your child when they grow up a and ask that you really did try

CherryMaDeara · 09/01/2018 18:55

Sorry quoted wrong thread in my post.

DrMarthaJones · 09/01/2018 19:18

I'm really not. All he has to do is contest it, as I said. Otherwise I could pick any dude at random and ask the CSA to take his money. They can't even get it from married proven fathers, never mind any random!

Lifeisabeach09 · 09/01/2018 19:27

Your child can still know his/her father without him being on the birth certificate. It's not punishing the ex, it's protecting yourself and the baby. You'll still be able to apply for maintenance too.
And if he wants parental rights, let him take you to court for them. This way you can outline his responsibilities and access in a court agreement. This isn't going to happen though--he doesn't give a shit. He just likes the novelty of having a child (and will want them to have his name!!)

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