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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel resentful of my DH because of this?

107 replies

LazyArseAvocado · 08/01/2018 21:17

The issue being he bears no financial responsibility for anything whatsoever. He drops his jobs as and when he pleases. He can sit around feeling sorry for himself for months on end waiting for something special. All the while I am left to pay the bills and feed the family. None of the bills come out of his account so he doesn't get any sense of urgency to bring some (or any) money in.

I understand that I'm his wife and I'm supposed to support him in sickness and health but at times I feel he's just mugging me off. I don't nag, I just resent him instead ☹

Btw I'm on slightly above the minimum wage so money is extra tight when he chooses not to work.

Should I pull my socks up and soldier on hoping for better future carrying on supporting him? Does leaving a husband because he won't take financial responsibility greedy?

OP posts:
ferntwist · 09/01/2018 14:39

Are you still there OP?

Onlyoldontheoutside · 09/01/2018 14:40

If he left you wouldn't have to pay to feed/clothe him,this money could go towards child care.
You are not greedy to want to leave someone who is frankly a weight round your neck.

IrritatedUser1960 · 09/01/2018 14:41

How can you live with this man, how can you even consider that you are being greedy?
He has no respect or concern for any of you and simply does not give a toss.
He is a waste of space and not a man.

Cath2907 · 09/01/2018 14:58

My husband used to be like this. He would have a job he liked and then things would build up, he'd moan about it for a while and eventually quit.

We sat and talked about it. Basically he didn't enjoy working, he has some mental health issues that were niggling (not enough to be incapable of work but certainly enough to make it tough sometimes). I like working and wanted to take jobs needing me to travel, work longer hours sometimes and generally be less flexible. This would increase my salary accordingly. We decided he'd be a SAHD and I'd work but that his job was to make sure I could do whatever I needed to for my job - so he does 100% child rearing whilst I am travelling for business and buys uniforms and gets kids feet fitted for shoes and does housework and school pick ups / own clothes days / pays for school meals etc..
It worked well for us. We have a joint account and I do all financials but to be honest I am not even sure what time the kid gets picked up from school - just that she does!

Is it possible that you and him could discuss what the problem is and have him step up more in the home / with childcare to allow you more earning potential?

To be honest though if hubby didn't do his half of the work needed to make our lives run I'd be really annoyed. Today for example he's done 2 school runs, the hoovering, a load of washing, breakfast and lunch dishes, some correspondence, a DIY job and will shortly start after school kid amusing. I have had no input to any of that. I am just in the office working (work at home). I did make us lunch and will cook tea as these are something I enjoy. I also do kid bedtime and evening kid activities.

Basically not working for a salary can be a valid choice and you may feel you want to support him in that but he'd need to contribute in other ways and it would need not to leave the household massively struggling for money.

CherryMaDeara · 09/01/2018 15:04

I think you would be financially, emotionally, romantically be better off without this bone idle cocklodger tied to you.

Let him go!

HatieCockpins · 09/01/2018 15:23

If you kick him out you will be no worse off financially, you will have 1 less person to clean up after, your child will not be learning poor lessons about what adult relationships are like, and your mental health will no doubt improve as a result of no longer feeling constant resentment.
What have you got to lose?

Original poster
LazyArseAvocado · 09/01/2018 19:02

I am still here, was busy at work.

I like the idea of pretend-quitting my job to see his face.

OP posts:
allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 09/01/2018 19:08

I like the idea of pretend-quitting my job to see his face

I wouldn't recommend that. I'm not a fan of game playing..............But I do think it's time for some adult conversations about responsibilities. Your partner walking out of a job to go to the pub is nonsense.

ferntwist · 09/01/2018 20:13

Have you spoken to him yet?

Original poster
LazyArseAvocado · 09/01/2018 20:26

Nooo, he's in withdrawal from his bad habits because currently we have zero money and so he can't feed his addictions. He could have a pop at me if I look at him wrong, never mind talking about money. I'll have to find a right time for this conversation.

What I don't get is why a fully grown man has to be told explicitly that bills need paying and kids need feeding. Thus making me a nagging cow. I just detest it.

OP posts:
mickeysminnie · 09/01/2018 20:29

Don't play games. Make out how much ALL the bills come to every month. TELL him he needs to contribute half EVERY month.
Point out he is supposed to be your partner, not your child.
He whines that you are unsupportive but support like respect is a two way street. What support does he give you?
Please do not teach your child that this is how life is lived.

FluffyWuffy100 · 09/01/2018 20:30

What I don’t understand is why a grown woman would stay with a total looser who brings nothing but additional stress and hassle to her life?

Original poster
LazyArseAvocado · 09/01/2018 20:53

Because when I got married I didn't think 'Well if I don't like it I'll just get divorced, meh'

This grown woman tried to remember the vows but has recently started to realise that she is being mugged off regularly.

OP posts:
AnathemaPulsifer · 09/01/2018 20:59

He could have a pop at me if I look at him wrong, never mind talking about money

Whether you mean physically or verbally, he just sounds worse and worse :(

HatieCockpins · 09/01/2018 21:01

What are these 'bad habits' you keep alluding to. Alcohol, drugs, gambling?

mumonashoestring · 09/01/2018 21:21

Because when I got married I didn't think 'Well if I don't like it I'll just get divorced, meh

No-one's suggesting that your vows were meaningless, but he took the same vows and isn't honouring them. You also have your children to think of and no matter how seriously you take your vows your responsibility to your kids has to be prioritised. If he's pissing all the family's money up the wall on himself and then turning volatile when he can't get hold of whatever he's hooked on then what on earth makes you think he's worthy of your loyalty?

ferntwist · 09/01/2018 21:31

He sounds truly awful OP.

Original poster
LazyArseAvocado · 09/01/2018 21:50

If I admit what the bad habits are I'll be even more ashamed at myself than I am now.

The 'pop' would be verbal but still unpleasant.

OP posts:
ferntwist · 09/01/2018 21:51

It’s not your fault. They are his habits. You’re a saint to put up with him. Please put yourself first this time.

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 09/01/2018 22:28

This sounds so familiar OP. I met someone who was very charming but tlold me they had money troubles - a number of situations that had gone wrong due to other people. All sounded plausible having met some of the people involved. He eventually moved in with me and I suggested that, as I had previously covered all the bills when I was living alone,he took 6 months to put most of his salary towards clearing all his debts and then could start sharing the bills. He agreed and I took it on trust that he was doing that.

Roll on 18 months and we were married with a dc and it became clear that he hadn't finished paying it off despite hardly contributing to any of the wedding or baby expenses. His mother is a domineering bully who nags for Britain and I was so determined not to be like her that he got away with murder. Treating him as I would want to be treated and like the OP living by my wedding vows just led to my financial situation being wrecked.

I could explain endlessly about what bills needed to be paid and how little money there was and he would promise to contribute but nothing was ever forthcoming apart from the odd food shop which was supposed to make up for it all. He flitted from job to job, until I found out about the other women in his life. It then became apparent where all his money was going. All my fault because I didn't have the money to go out and do fun things and he said he "deserved to be happy".

I stopped funding him and he left not long after having found someone else to listen to his tales of woe.Looking back I could shake myself for being so trusting. I am so cynical now and would never trust someone again like that. Although I would never want to be like his mother in any way shape or form she at least has nagged him into paying child support regularly.

I can only recommend stopping baling him out and wish you all the best. As a PP said you need to start thinking more about him breaking his vows and less about you keeping yours.

Cracker09jacker · 09/01/2018 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HatieCockpins · 09/01/2018 23:11

You'll get no judgement from me op. I used to live with a drug addict. His behaviour was similar to what you describe, which is why I asked the question. I remember the feeling of shame as if it was yesterday, but you are not the one who should be ashamed. It is not selfish of you to take care of yourself and your child.

HipNewName · 10/01/2018 03:52

no judgement.

Too many of us have either been in similar situations or watched good friends in similar situations. It happens, often to very nice women.

My advice is to get your ducks in a row and make an exit plan. He's no husband or partner too you, and you and the children really will be better off without him.

I'm very sorry. It's a horrible thing to realize, and then to go through.

He is the one who broke the vows, not you.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 10/01/2018 04:03

I agree with making an exit plan, wise words.
Let him stay in the house, you find yourself another one.
You have nothing to be ashamed of, you've tried your best, he hasn't.
You don't need to have a long drawn out conversation, or indeed a potential slanging match. Put yourself first for a change.🌸🌸🌸

expatmatt38 · 10/01/2018 04:19

Regardless of his earnings vs yours I'd have no respect for someone who cares so little - about a) doing a good job and being a good worker and b) supporting the family whether that be through earning or pulling weight in the household
I've done all sorts of jobs many of them pretty crap but I've always wanted to do my best and leave a good impression of myself with others . Only through working my way up I now have a decent career. I also recruit positions in my company and I tell you a good proactive attitude is one of the key things over experience in my eyes
If someone keeps getting laid off or leaving jobs they are just lazy and crap I'm afraid. I don't see him changing

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