To make my DD2 invite 2 boys in her class to her 6th birthday party that she doesn't want to invite because she says they'll ruin the party?

[Lizzie48]

I'm currently planning my DD2's sixth birthday party. I've booked the local parish hall, a party entertainer and arranged with a friend who is a beautician for her to do face painting and nails and make-up. The make-up in particular is something DD2 has set her heart on.

We're having behavioural issues with DD1 (I've posted about that on another friend), and DD2 has been on the receiving end of her temper at times. So I've been looking forward to spoiling her on her special day.

I've been considering a whole class party (30 children). But DD2 is adamant that there are 2 boys she doesn't want to invite because they'll 'ruin the party', she said they're always naughty. She did once say that one of them had pushed her over, but it's certainly not something that I've heard about on any other occasion.

Do I insist that she invites them or let her invite all the class but those two? I don't want to upset anyone. She does have a tendency to say she doesn't want to invite certain children to her party for trivial reasons (she's been talking about it for ages), but it always blows over. With these two boys she does seem to be particularly anxious.

So, WIBU to insist that she invites them? I do want to teach her to be kind and treat others as she would like to be treated. But if she really is anxious about these two boys, I don't want her to end up worrying about them coming.

Had the same conversation with DS1 this morning who will be 6 in a few weeks.
Invites for the whole class in his bag ready to give out this morning and he tell me he doesn't want to invite 3 boys. Nothing majorly bad about any of them - but he was adamant.

So I told him he either invites the whole class and gives out his invites today or we can do something totally different with just a few of his best friends. Either was fine with me and he could decide.
Just had a text of one of the mums saying their child would love to come - so he's obviously decided on the whole class!

notfromstepford make sure he has actually given them out... I was ‘selective’ at that age with the party invites I’d been told to give to everyone and got into so much trouble when my mum found out it still makes me feel mildly panicked.

I would be fine with 'excluding' the 2 as there is nothing to say other kids/parents would feel that way about the same kids. In my lg year one worse behaved still has several friends and goes to parties. I personally wouldnt invite him, not soecifically because he would ruin a party but more because potentially being in charge of him plus whoever else whose parents dropped them would make me very anxious as he is quite unpredictable (as is my lg actually).
The other reason that i wouldnt worry too much is that im assuming tgat in the OP situation there is one class only. Whereas dd is in a 60 year group this seems worse for parties as there is no whole class party as they all know each other. This results in im sure some kids always being left out even if people have 30. Im sure every parent feels they arent excluding.
Also as even on this thread it is a sad fact a lot of the parents opinion and judgement of other kids is based on when they are very young 3-5 say when maybe their own kids are older in the year group. As i notice now all the kids are over 5 the overall class behaviour is improving.
Im sure the number of invites dd would have got if starting yr r this year would have been very different.

At dd1's 5th birthday she was worried about inviting one boy from her class who was often poorly behaved. I wasn't willing to exclude one child so agreed with her that we'd keep an extra close eye on him and intervene if anything happened. I had an adult at the party with the job of keeping an eye on him. Dd1 was ok with that, and the boy was actually impeccably well behaved when there.

There are 2 classes, actually, but DD2 doesn't have any friendships with children in the other class. Her class are actually very close knit so it would be nice to invite them all. But probably all the girls and a few of the boys would be the thing.

That’s what I’d do, invite all of the girls and then a few boys that she plays with and any out of School friends, cousins etc. That’s lots of children even if a few don’t turn up, but much more manageable than the whole class.

Update: I've spoken to one of my mum friends, who has her ear to the ground. She couldn't think of a reason why DD2 wouldn't want to invite the 2 boys, she just laughed and said just to tell her that she would get more presents if we invited everyone. So I'm sure there isn't any bullying involved.

I'm also wondering if DD2 is really speaking for herself. One of her friends is a bit of a 'queen bee' and bosses her around. Yesterday her friend told her to hit DD1 on the bottom and she did it. DD1 wasn't upset by it but when I asked DD2 about it, she said that if she hadn't done it her friend would have 'told her off'.

So basically I need to ask more questions there before deciding. It may still be better to invite a smaller number. But we have booked a party entertainer so it will be easy to manage 30 children plus a couple of other friends.

That's good Lizzie.

I agree, have a smaller party and just invite particular friends. 6 seems very young to be having nail and make up parties but each to their own.

It's not really going to be that, I've got a friend who will do nails, make up and face paint. It will be one part of it. DD1 went to a friend's 7th birthday party and that was a make-up party, that's where the idea came from.

Also, it's because I have this friend who is a beautician and another friend who is a hairdresser, whose daughters are my DDs' friends.

It is such a minefield all this party stuff. We recently had a 6th party and couldn't invite even all the girls never mind boys, so made sure to leave out quite a few as leaving out just one or two is awful. So we left out five girls, inviting a total of 8 from the class of 23 which I reckon is ok! We were let down by a few last year accepting and then not turning up with no explanation. I still had to pay. I was quite hard line this year and didn't invite them, or the people who didn't bother to reply at all!

I think it is a case of either invite everyone or invite at most three quarters.

I'd do a girls only party and only invite the girls in the class. Solves all issues.

I’m not meaning to be argumentative, but personally I wouldn’t suggest or engineer single sex parties, till your DD asks for one, it’s lovely when they’re still so young enough to have close friends of both gender, without even really noticing, why accelerate the division before they ask for it?

I wouldn't do that, actually. DD2 has been invited to the parties of a few boys in her class, so out of courtesy I would invite them to her party. There are also a couple of boys that she does like.

I've also talked her about inviting the 2 boys she didn't want to invite previously. I said that no one was going to ruin her party, so she didn't need to worry about it. I also pointed out that an all class party would mean more presents.

They won't all want to come, but there will be a nice crowd and we have booked the parish hall.

OP - as other PPs have said, drop the numbers if the 2 boys can't be tolerated by your DD. It's more manageable anyway.

I gave up on birthday parties when DCs (1 dd 1 ds) were 6 or 7. Too much effort, too much expense for too little enjoyment. And much too much politicking and competition. DCs happy having one or two mates round for making bonfires, taking dogs for walk and paddling in stream. Can't remember a birthday cake but lots of burnt sausages and baked potatoes. They didn't get left out of anything or lose friends because of it. And NO PARTY BAGS.

I wouldn't have 30 kids for face painting. Even if you have other things on the go the chances of fitting them all in is slim, even if it only takes 2 minutes per face that's still an hour before you take into account the humming and hawing over what they want done, sorting out who is next and getting them sat down (if they are off doing other things).

Cannot imagine any scenario ever where I would invite 30 kids to a facepainting party. Just typing it makes me feel stressed. No kid is actually friends with all 29 kids surely? Why put yourself through it? Half the class is my rule then half are left out so it's not personal. Or all of one sex.

Maybe you're right, all the girls and a few of the boys. There will be a party entertainer do the kids will be occupied so not spending the whole time waiting for their turn. But yes, 30 is a lot, I can see that.

You absolutely and can exclude 2 boys from your daughters birthday party. How can you even think of letting them come? Do you care that your daughters day will be spoilt because of these boys? They may not be bullying her but something is going on that your daughter is so vocal in not wanting to invite them.

Please don’t ignore your dds wishes for the sake of a few hellos off mums in the playground.

Teach your daughter to be strong. Fairness in this situation is bs.

Well, we're going to do the invitations together, so we'll talk further. I saw an incident between her and one of the two boys. He wasn't bullying her, she was telling him off for trying to push in to the queue at home time and pushing him away to the back of the queue. That's clearly what she meant when she said he was naughty. She's more than capable of holding her own.

I’ve had full class parties and they are the greatest amount of fun! So are smaller parties of course, we’ve done both. Like OP said, it’s not just face painting, she’s got an entertainer and nails, and of course there’ll be food; it’s more like a Summer Fayre, sounds awesome :)

Just invite all the girls

It's all very well if the invitations are handed over discreetly at the school gate but it is hugely annoying when parents put them in their child's school bag, with a note asking the teacher to distribute. If one or two children have been left out, do your own dirty work.

Just invite them all. if you upset someone... who cares? They're 8

Thank you, Carbohol78, we'll hire a bouncy castle as well, I think, that always goes down well. I think she'll be too busy having fun to worry about whether the 2 boys are there really. She's enjoyed other children's whole class parties before.