To make my DD2 invite 2 boys in her class to her 6th birthday party that she doesn't want to invite because she says they'll ruin the party?

[Lizzie48]

I'm currently planning my DD2's sixth birthday party. I've booked the local parish hall, a party entertainer and arranged with a friend who is a beautician for her to do face painting and nails and make-up. The make-up in particular is something DD2 has set her heart on.

We're having behavioural issues with DD1 (I've posted about that on another friend), and DD2 has been on the receiving end of her temper at times. So I've been looking forward to spoiling her on her special day.

I've been considering a whole class party (30 children). But DD2 is adamant that there are 2 boys she doesn't want to invite because they'll 'ruin the party', she said they're always naughty. She did once say that one of them had pushed her over, but it's certainly not something that I've heard about on any other occasion.

Do I insist that she invites them or let her invite all the class but those two? I don't want to upset anyone. She does have a tendency to say she doesn't want to invite certain children to her party for trivial reasons (she's been talking about it for ages), but it always blows over. With these two boys she does seem to be particularly anxious.

So, WIBU to insist that she invites them? I do want to teach her to be kind and treat others as she would like to be treated. But if she really is anxious about these two boys, I don't want her to end up worrying about them coming.

Have a smaller party. 30 is lot, and a bit of tact wouldn't come amiss. DD1 is not the only child in the world with behaviour problems, how would you feel if everyone in DD1's class got invited to a party except her?

(Sorry - x-post )

You either have to limit the number of children invited to special friends only and therefore leave several out, or you have to invite the two boys. It would be cruel to exclude only them from a class activity unless you know, for example, that they have bullied your daughter or something like that.

You would be devastated if your child was one of two excluded from a whole class party invite. I would explain to your daughter that it wouldn't be fair to not invite them, and reassure her that you will be on hand to make sure they don't ruin the day.

If you're saying that you know how it hurts being left out, and you don't want anyone else to be upset by being left out, then that actually equates to you DO want to hurt those boys. Think how that comes across.

But I agree with the others, cut the party down to around half and those that come will have a better time including your dd. Nothing worse than having a party when half the children are waiting and bored because that's when the issues start.

Eddie is gay!?! weeps

But back to the thread. Think you can’t invite the class but exclude two boys. You need a smaller party or everyone comes.

Face painting takes ages. A half class party would be more practical anyway.

Same rules as zanymonster in our house- less than half or the whole class. If just girls, all of them or only 5 or 6. It’s really not fair to exclude 2 children in a class of 30 IMO.

You said that your dd often dislikes children for trivial reasons, so she really does not sound too reliable herself. Really she has to invite those two boys, if you want a class party, its not on. Next year have a smaller one, and just invite 8-10 kids or something.

Yes, DD1 isn't invited to many parties. I know of parties she hasn't been invited to, but I don't know whether she was the only one not invited or whether it was a smaller party. I haven't wanted to know tbh.

I've already been convinced by PPs that a smaller party would be better, because of the face painting issue. It was a helpful point.

OP - off the subject of the thread, but noticed a couple of criticisms, I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with nail painting if that’s what your DD wants, I always get that stall at school fairs, and it’s very popular (with boys and girls alike actually), it’s just a bit of fun at that age :)

Lizzie48 I am in your position with ds who will be 6 soon. He is a lovely boy, so sweet, but has a developmental delay and speech delay, and can be quiet at school. The teachers tell me he is very well behaved, but like you, now he has started Yr1 the parties have dried up, now they are having smaller parties, and inviting a few, obviously now him . It was different in reception, he would be invited to a party a month practically, but not now.

Oh, and I’ve had loads of whole class parties, it’s mental, but loads of fun, recommend an entertainer/DH to keep it all going if so! (And prepare yourself for A LOT of plastic crap in the gifts 😹)

Aw, @aero, I feel your pain, my friend’s little boy is autistic and another’s DD has a life-limiting illness, my DC know they are automatically on every party list (not forced to invite them, but they empathise that they get left out a lot 😞)

I know that kids he plays with are having parties and not inviting him now, that they are not having whole class parties. He is about a year delayed, he does not notice or care thank goodness. I do as some of the mums are on my FAcebook, and announce when there is a party or that their child is so popular they are being invited to lots of parties . Oh well, save that money on presents on a treat for the kids.

Ah Carbohol by dd 10 has ASD and developmental delay, she is in a specialist ASD school, but the kids there do not like parties, and she would love one. I have to explain that to her, and mabey do one for her and invite my friends kids .

Aroflotgirl

Sorry to hear how things are for your DS. He sounds like my DD1 (now 8), she gets very few invitations, she only got 4 in reception so she never got many. DD2 gets lots by contrast, that just rubs it in to DD1 that her sister is more popular. She hangs around with her little sister at school, which is quite sad really.

I do like the idea of a class party. Both my DDs have been to whole class parties and they've had a ball. We're having a party entertainer so it shouldn't be that difficult to prevent trouble brewing.

I'll have a think. But I won't invite all but those 2 boys.

It is sad, he got loads in reception when they did big hall parties, but not now, the parties are getting smaller. He is not a big talker, and is not as chatty as some of the others, and academically slower, though he is quite switched on in other areas.

The problem with only leaving out 2 rather than, say, 12, is that it makes it very personal (which, obviously, it is) and it might cause them to be even more problematic towards your child.

It is hard. I will try and find out what the truth is about the two boys. As I said earlier, I'm aware that DD2 isn't always the innocent party when she's had fallings out with other children in her class.

@Lizzie, I didn’t read that you were criticising or singling the boys out, my DDs are the same about some (all!) boys 😹

Gald you've been convinced, because YWBU to invite a whole class except two, but YWBVU to make you dd invite people to what is supposed to be her party, that she doesn't want there.

Obvious solution is to have a more sensible sized party and let her choose which of her friends she'd like to be there.

My DS is autistic and has ADHD, he's generally well behaved and always is when at parties however due to his issues he does not really make close friends just yet so when it was full class parties he was never excluded but now it's sleepovers/pizza out for a couple of friends he's generally not invited which he's painfully aware of. For that reason I would never exclude a minority and I'm glad to see so many others feel the same.

Are they really that interested in make up by age 6? Genuine question

There’s a girl in 4 yo DD Nursery class who told her she was ugly at her Christmas party because she didn’t have heels and makeup on! I was devastated because DD was heartbroken (she’s autistic and struggles with social confidence anyway) and she was so happy with her party dress and sparkly shoes. This wee lassie always comes in done up to the nines for nursery, her mum is all for her being a “mini me” but from what I can gather that’s unusual at that age.

Did full class parties but about 6 or 7 your DC maybe aware of who the trouble makers were from them forever ruining lessons and being told off by the the teacher at school? This happened with both my two around 6 or 7.
In my DS’s class their was a clique of ‘badly behaved boys’ names by the teachers. DS was one of the ‘better behaved boys’.
His primary school reinforced bad behaviour by always giving this boys a place in all of the sports teams and most got a major part in the school play.
As my DC got older they both wanted to celebrate their birthdays with a small number of friends (no trouble makers were included in this).