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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that BIL won't take time to visit his eldely Mum??

66 replies

IndigoMoonFlower · 08/01/2018 11:43

AIBU?? I haven't told BIL I'm upset, but I am- because my DH is really stressed as his brother won't visit their elderly Mum despite the fact that BIL passes the end of her road twice a day to and from work!!
We think BIL has some form of Aspergers (undiagnosed) because we have attempted to reason with him many times and he will not budge.
My DH works a six day week and we live an hour's drive from his Mum, my MIL, yet we travel there and take her shopping etc. We are happy to do this, but she really needs more interaction and help because she's getting increasingly forgetful and tearful. We don't know what to do about it, but DH is going to have one final go at reasoning with BIL this week- and then we will have to let it go because DH is getting too upset by his DB refusing to "see". I think we may need to employ a helper to be there when we can't, but would love to know if anyone has any good suggestions ??

OP posts:
DrMarthaJones · 08/01/2018 11:43

It's between him and his mother, nothing to do with you, or even really your DH.

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 08/01/2018 11:46

It probably is, but we are worried because she really needs someone to check on her in case she has a fall or something. I haven't said anything because I know it's "not my place", but I'm asking because my DH is so upset. I can then show him what people have said, and hopefully help him to let go of being angry with his brother.

OP posts:
Unreasonableunreasonableness · 08/01/2018 11:47

On the way to and from work isn't the greatest time to visit tbh. I wouldn't want to do that. Tho visiting sometime should be workable. What reason does he give for not visiting? When did he last see her? Tho pp is right really, it's not up to you it's between him and his mum.

ZanyMobster · 08/01/2018 11:49

There is no information in your post about your BILs relationship with his mum. That could be quite relevant. Even so I guess it's not really yours or your DHs business. Your DHs is able to choose how much time he spends with his mum as is his brother. No one is obliged to do this.

I would say your MIL should look into getting additional care to ensure she is looked after properly every day.

JeanSeberg · 08/01/2018 11:50

You are not being unreasonable and this is one of the reasons why I was always glad I was an only child as I knew I just had to get on with it when dealing with my late parents' care and affairs. Unfortunately it seems to be a common theme in families with more than one child where the care of elderly parents falls largely to one of them.

I think the best thing you can do in your circumstance is assume that BIL isn't going to change and put other things in place to support MIL. That way anything he does do is a bonus.

DrMarthaJones · 08/01/2018 11:50

I'm sure she does, but he doesn't have any obligation to do it.

KC225 · 08/01/2018 11:52

What are his reasons for not going? Are there any issues/resentment between them. Did he visit socially, before there was a need to? Has your mum told him, he doesn't need to bother coming and to stop making a bloody fuss. Something my elderly does when she now needs a lot of help.

Maybe, he can have set times. Half an hour, if it all seems overwhelming. Three times a week, drop off papers/bread/milk etc. Say for a cup of tea. If it was put like that it may not seem so daunting.

Perhaps you need to present him with the cost carers and tell his this is what your share will cost. Some people respond to a financial hit.

Good luck OP

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 08/01/2018 11:54

I know it's not up to me, but I don't like seeing DH so upset.
I get that on the way to or from work is not ideal, but anyway he lives about a ten minute drive from her AND works near where MIL lives. We found it hard seeing how she's struggling and getting increasingly frail and would love to know how we can help more, even though we can't get there except at weekends. He doesn't visit her unless it's her birthday, Mothers Day or Christmas. He doesn't seem to have a reason, but is very self obsessed about all the things he's doing or places he's been. At Christmas he brought her to our home where we cooked Christmas dinner for everyone. It seems like he will see her when he's having a meal provided....

OP posts:
Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 08/01/2018 11:57

No, he has never visited except for her birthday, mothers day and "duty visits".
We think maybe his wife is dominating him as she has a bad temper, but he has no other ties.
He's very money orientated and I had already suggested to DH that we suggest he coughs up half of getting a carer in...Most likely hitting him in the wallet is the only way to get through to him!!

OP posts:
Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 08/01/2018 12:02

Good point Jean. I know he doesn't have any obligation to care, it's just the decent thing to do, surely.
Still, I think my DH needs to let go of this for his own sanity and we probably need to find out how we can get MIL some help (if she's willing to even accept it)
I tend to treat others how I'd like to be treated, so I have no problem at all caring for elderly relatives. Obviously, I know there's no guarantees that anyone will look after me, but I am hopeful!!
It's just the distance really. My DH has power of attourney and MIL has said to him that it's his decision to decide when she's not coping. The thing is, she isn't coping now, but we don't feel she's ready to go into a home either. (But anyway how does anyone even decide these things or know for certain??)

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 08/01/2018 12:09

Can carers be organised to go & help?

You & DH can ask BIL all you like to visit MIL it is up to him if he won’t do it unfortunately

Neolara · 08/01/2018 12:10

I totally agree that no-one has an obligation to care,. However, if the person who needs to be cared for has been supportive and kind over the years, and the non-caring person puts absolutely no effort into being caring and supportive back, then IMO, they are being behaving pretty badly. Unfortunately, some people are mainly just interested in themselves and don't really give a shit about others. It's very hard to watch from the side-lines.

Witchend · 08/01/2018 12:10

Firstly I suspect the more you go on at him about it the more he will refuse.

Secondly you say she's getting tearful and forgetful. He may be there more often than you think. I remember my dgran telling my df that her brother never visited-hadn't been to see her in 6 months. The next weekend she told his db that my df hadn't visited her in months.
Both of those conversations were face to face btw, and they were rotating weekends at that point so both of our families were driving 250+ miles every other weekend and spending the entire time with her.
He may avoid coming when you're there-and if you're just going to have a go at him for not visiting, and not do anything obvious.

Having someone, even down the road, checking on her in case she has a fall isn't really good enough if she's liable for falling. Once a day is a commitment, and she might fall 2 minutes after he'd gone anyway. You'd be better to get one of those necklace alarms-you can get them that set off if they feel the person falling (and yes, they work well, I know someone who has them) and call a care company who will send someone immediately.
He may struggle to raise her safely on his own so would need help anyway.

JeanSeberg · 08/01/2018 12:10

It would be good if she could stay living in her own home for as long as possible.

Does she have all the practical things in place eg stair rails, grab rails in the bath/shower, hand rail at the front door etc if mobility is becoming an issue.

Would she accept the services of a cleaner a couple of times a week? Or somebody taking in a cooked meal on a daily basis?

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 08/01/2018 12:10

The next step will probably be seeing if MIL will accept a carer...I think we need to write off BIL as unhelpful and try to let go of any hope that he'll be reasonable.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 08/01/2018 12:11

Regarding the home, it could be useful for you to do your research now so that should the time come, you have a specific home in mind that you know can meet her needs.

DancesWithOtters · 08/01/2018 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grannytomine · 08/01/2018 12:16

Indigo, it is hard. I have LPA for an elderly relative and I think sometimes that makes other relatives think it is your problem not theirs. Don't waste your energy on it, concentrate on MIL.

Can she afford carers, is she eligible for Attendance Allowance, have you thought of asking Social Services to do an assessment?

Carers aren't cheap but if she is managing reasonably well and just needs a bit of support you might just need a short visit each day, maybe half an hour and perhaps a longer visit one day for shopping. That is how I started with my relative. AgeUk were a great help with attendance allowance. Good luck, it isn't easy.

GinisLife · 08/01/2018 12:17

Could she go into sheltered, supported housing where she's independent but someone on hand if there's a problem ? Half way house to a full time care home if she's not ready for that

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 08/01/2018 12:23

not visiting your mum" doesn't = aspergers, there are other factors which I haven't been able to explain here. Another family member said it to explain some of his stranger behaviours, but we don't know for sure. Probably will never know since we have no plans to ever mention it to him!! I just said it to explain that we may* need strategies to reason with him.. But it's probably a lot easier to let go and sort out a carer tbh!!

Thanks for explaining about the LPA Grannytomine! I

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 08/01/2018 12:24

Suspect he'll be there when the will is read out .

Not what you are asking OP, but I suggest that you seek financial advice to make sure that any financial outlay on your behalf is reimbursed through MIL's estate.

MatildaTheCat · 08/01/2018 12:27

Contact AgeUK. They are fantastically helpful. They will know of the local services your MIL might benefit from. They will also fill in forms for Attendance Allowance etc. That can be spent on anything you like so carers, cleaner, mini cabs can be more affordable.

If MIL is alone consider getting her an alarm to hang around her neck in case of emergencies. And an OT might be able to offer suggestions for any home adaptations that may help her.

If she is lonely it’s possible that there may be a local befriending service.

There are lots and lots of things that can help. Trying to change BIL doesn’t look hopeful so concentrate on what can be achieved.

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 08/01/2018 12:27

Yes probably OP re the will....good idea, thankyou! BIL is very money orientated, so I imagine he will be first in the queue, sadly.

OP posts:
Jenna43 · 08/01/2018 12:27

It's between him and his mother, nothing to do with you, or even really your DH

How is that helpful to the OP? And it is to do with OP when she's part of taking care of her MIL, did you not read that part?

DrMarthaJones · 08/01/2018 12:32

It is the only thing that IS helpful. She can't make a man see his own mother, can she? you know as well as I do that there isn't anything she can do here, so why pretend otherwise?