To be annoyed that BIL won't take time to visit his eldely Mum??

[IndigoMoonFlower]

AIBU?? I haven't told BIL I'm upset, but I am- because my DH is really stressed as his brother won't visit their elderly Mum despite the fact that BIL passes the end of her road twice a day to and from work!!
We think BIL has some form of Aspergers (undiagnosed) because we have attempted to reason with him many times and he will not budge.
My DH works a six day week and we live an hour's drive from his Mum, my MIL, yet we travel there and take her shopping etc. We are happy to do this, but she really needs more interaction and help because she's getting increasingly forgetful and tearful. We don't know what to do about it, but DH is going to have one final go at reasoning with BIL this week- and then we will have to let it go because DH is getting too upset by his DB refusing to "see". I think we may need to employ a helper to be there when we can't, but would love to know if anyone has any good suggestions ??

The OP and her husband can't make someone else do caring work if they don't want to though, no matter what relations they are of the person needing cared for. They have asked and he has refused. The OP and her husband have to decide how much time they have to look after her MIL and if she needs more than they can do discuss with her how to make up the short fall.
It sounds as though she is either needing sheltered housing or a carer.
People with no relatives cope with the aid of private or state carers.

I think you need to by-pass your BIL and get carers in place fairly soon. Even if he was to go and see his mother more often, you still wouldn’t know exactly when he'd visited, so wouldn’t really be any better off.

BIL had a right go at my DH for not visiting his mum

• we were there every other day - she was telling him we were there once a week and then only to take her shopping because we were going - a whole parcel of lies....

would make sure you know his side before saying anything. She caused a whole heap of uncomfortable feeling between DH and his brother and she lost out in the long run as we visited less afterwards, not more.

This resonates a lot with me. My DH was the only sibling out of four who did anything for his mum, who had a number of complex health needs. We lived by far the furthest away (4 hours), but he was the only one to visit and deal with hospitals and other agencies. She eventually moved to live locally to us for the last two years of her life. It was a massive strain on DH (and on our family) but he just eventually accepted that there was no point wasting the emotional energy on resenting the fact his siblings were useless. Once he'd accepted that it would all fall to him, he just got on with it and refused to get angry with his siblings as there was just no point. It has forever damaged his relationship with them though, and I will never forgive them for putting him through that.

You think you can tell him to cough up half of the care costs? YABU.

You don't know his reasons for not going to see his Mum, you need to keep out of it. There could be things between them that you and your DH don't know.

Is there any reason she can't pay her own care costs?

Has your DH spoken to him about it? You say he has but you don't say what the BIL says. Does he say 'yeah yeah but i;m busy blah blah' and fob him off. Or does he say 'No. I'm not doing that' ?

There is some good advice on here and I agree that the priority should be what MIL needs.

If you can get SS involved with her agreement they will come and do a free assessment of what help she might need to stay safely in her own home and also what equipment would help her e.g. handrails (as someone mentioned previously). This is all provided for free. They will also give you details for the personal alarm company so you can get that set up for her.

You will need to complete an application for for Attendance Allowance etc. but SS will then assess her and allocate you a monthly budget which you can then spend on carers and just send the the bills to show that you have actually spent it on her! You might get someone to come in to get her up or help her shower or make her lunch.

There are also companies such as Wiltshire Farm Foods who will deliver microwaveable complete meals that can be frozen and heated up. I had a copy of the catalogue and would go through with my relative which meals she had enjoyed and which she hadn't and then order the following week on their website for delivery to her.

Same for groceries - I would do a monthly shop for loo roll, tinned goods etc then the carer would take her shopping for milk, bread etc until she became too frail to do that.

There is lots you can do to support your MIL remotely. It may be that BIL or his wife are worried that, as the nearer relative, they are going to get saddled with rushing round every 5 minutes so are digging their heels in about helping. This seems to happen so much with elderly care.

How are you all fixed financially? Can you afford Care?

My first move would be her GP, you can self refer to most Services, but the GP can refer and they need keeping up to date with any changes to her Health.

In regards to your BIL, it saves a lot of energy if you let it go. The only question now to him should be if he is happy for your DH to take over arrangements. Is he nominated as her NOK etc?

Ooh!
Any chance your DH (or you but give it to DH) could rustle up an email giving clear options to address their mum’s increasing needs?

• FIRST: describe the care she needs (alternate or daily visits - twice weekly shops)
• OPTION 1 - that care be shared between your two families on a rota
• OPTION 2 - pay for the care that you feel unable to provide between both families with each family paying for the care that falls into their 50% that they are unable to meet.
• OPTION 3 - as above, but Mum funds the professional care costs via savings or equity relief (if a possibility) and makes a will which requires the relative division of assets remaining upon her death to be adjusted to allow for both professional care costs incurred by either family not providing their 50%, and also actual care provided by the families, charged at the equivalent of the agency/carer rates and including travel time. This would not include purely social visits like Christmas.

If they are tight, they might decide they can do more themselves, which I’m sure his Mum would infinitely prefer. You could use Trello to keep track of who does what.

"If you can get SS involved with her agreement they will come and do a free assessment of what help she might need to stay safely in her own home and also what equipment would help her e.g. handrails (as someone mentioned previously). This is all provided for free."

Not necessarily free. The hand rails etc is Occupational therapy, under Community Care Services, usually ran from the closest Health Center and linked to the GPs, in most LAs they can be self referred.

But if her Health is worsening its worth a chat with the GP. The GP will usually book a telephone appointment, rather than having to attend, then it can be passed to the Practice Manager for the referrals etc.

For those saying it is none of the OP's business wether bil visits or not, it is her business as care of elderly mil will be down to her and her DH, and you can bet your life bil will be the first to complain when anything goes wrong.

Why shouldn't he call in for a cuppa and chat a couple of times a week? Unless there is a huge backstory of abuse, then he's just selfish. It's often the same, in any family one person (or couple) end up doing everything as the parents age while other family members leave them to it.
But they are first in the queue with their hand out after the funeral.

On a practical note-
Carers: local social services helped us organise them for my mil. There will probably be a financial contribution but not as much as going private. Mil paid about £25 per week a couple of years ago (homeowner, small private pension).
Skype /face time - if you can get mil to use the tech, a great way to keep in daily touch.
Local wardens/ emergency pendant thing. Again through s services. Local warden calls in couple of times a week and the pendant is for emergencies. It only works if mil will actually wear it though!
Lunch clubs- mil went to the local Salvation Army lunch club and enjoyed it, they would pick her up and drop her off. She wasn't religious at all, and there was no pressure to join. Is there something similar?
Dial a Ride - local SS minibus did regular trips to the shops, hospital, keep fit for the elderly - is there anything like that?
Age concern helped her claim attendance allowance, which we persuaded her to spend on a cleaner for a couple of hours a week and a "little man" to come and cut the grass.
Mobile hair dresser -

Between all these, we managed to have at least one person everyday "dropping in" on mil during the week. They all had our phone number, just in case. Then we went every weekend (2 hours away) to stock up on shopping and take her out.

Has she at least got a "lifeline"(?) thing set up for if she falls?

What does she need help with-should she even be living alone?

Don't take on so much that you mask what is going on iyswim.

Cleaner?

"as above, but Mum funds the professional care costs via savings or equity relief (if a possibility) "

It shouldn't be assumed that some Care won't be provided free or at a lower cost.

If they are tight, they might decide they can do more themselves, which I’m sure his Mum would infinitely prefer. You could use Trello to keep track of who does what

In principle, I this is great. I strongly suspect that in practice it might not work. If BIL does not want to provide care then he'll (they'll) likely play passive-aggressively, doing a half-arsed job (something like some of men often criticised here for half-arsedly doing the housework) and leaving the OP and her DH to pick up the slack.

Thanks for all the helpful replies. I should clarify, no one has had a go at BIL and my DH hasn't mentioned it to him for a few months, but DH was ill before Christmas himself with stress (due to work and caring for his Mum) and we weren't able to visit for nearly a month because I was ill.

I should also say, there are no mobility needs, but she is currently losing things and getting very upset. She's also finding it harder to leave the house on her own (I think something has caused a loss of confidence but IDK what) and constantly thinks she's lost her keys or her bag, even when she hasn't. It's hard seeing her so upset.

@birdsgottafly well she has done some kind of equity release thing, but IDK the details, so money probably isn't a problem. She has had a gardener for some time, so maybe would accept help with shopping.

I should also say, there are no mobility needs, but she is currently losing things and getting very upset. She's also finding it harder to leave the house on her own (I think something has caused a loss of confidence but IDK what) and constantly thinks she's lost her keys or her bag, even when she hasn't. It's hard seeing her so upset

Sounds like a GP could advise here. I can only comment re what I have been through with elderly relatives but dementia can come in many forms and is often associated with anxiety and paranoia. There are treatments as well as supports.

@YetanotherSpartacus thanks for raising that. I'd say, she seems very anxious. For an over 80 year old, physically she's in good shape and goes to keep fit classes too. It's more that we're concerned that she seems to be losing confidence and not seeing her friends much. Possibly she's spending too much time alone?

IDK how we could persuade her to see the GP, but it sounds like it might help a lot.

Memory loss, anxiety and confidence can all be linked together. So can depression which can often manifest in unexpected ways. Physically, brains change...

You seem to have a series of interconnected issues to deal with, which is not unusual, and dickish BIL is just one of these.

Thanks Spartacus, your description of BIL made me smile! :) He definitely is that!! He's happy to eat at other people's houses, but never invites anyone to his house. He redid part of his house a few years ago and I heard MIL saying to him at Christmas that she'd never seen it :/ He still hasn't invited her (or anyone else) and probably won't, yet he's happy to boast about how nice he's making his house!! During his mega-boast session on Christmas Day I suggested to him that he might like to show his Mum as I'm sure she would be really pleased for him...It got me nowhere. He only brought her to our house because WE were cooking Christmas dinner. We need to take a step back from him for sanity's sake.

This must be very hard op. Me and sister share the visiting to my very elderly nan (my mum, her only child, died 20 years ago). I would find it hard to do all the visiting myself as, although I like to see her, it would be hard to fit it in. You are definetely not BU.

I'm sorry to hear that Mollieben, it is hard and thank you!

Would be careful you are not projecting guilt ... you say you have not visited for a month (health reasons - whatever reasons - all valid...) , but your post is that you are annoyed that he has not visited.

If any care is needed MIL should pay for her own. Isn't this what people "save all their lives for?". Don't be resentful BIL is not willing to provide the level of input you think he should. He, you and your DH all have choices in what help you are willing to provide. MIL also has choices in what help she is willing to accept.
Could someone accompany her to the GP for a memory assessment, and have a conversation about practical interventions necessary to facilitate her living alone? Don't wait for a crisis. She has to take some responsibility for her own well being too.

OP this sounds tough on you all.

But, kindly back off imho.

You cannot force a son to visit his mother. Do not start creating care rotas as it's an appallingly bad suggestion. You can't force him to pay for a share of her care either.

It'll be more constructive to focus on what care of support MAIL needs, and sort that out for her (maybe a mix of community support - neighbours? Professional carers? You and her son etc).

Focus on that - not your BIL. You have no idea what pressures he's under time or commitments wise, financially, nor what their relationship is like... You don't have any idea what you're asking here!