To be annoyed that BIL won't take time to visit his eldely Mum??

[IndigoMoonFlower]

AIBU?? I haven't told BIL I'm upset, but I am- because my DH is really stressed as his brother won't visit their elderly Mum despite the fact that BIL passes the end of her road twice a day to and from work!!
We think BIL has some form of Aspergers (undiagnosed) because we have attempted to reason with him many times and he will not budge.
My DH works a six day week and we live an hour's drive from his Mum, my MIL, yet we travel there and take her shopping etc. We are happy to do this, but she really needs more interaction and help because she's getting increasingly forgetful and tearful. We don't know what to do about it, but DH is going to have one final go at reasoning with BIL this week- and then we will have to let it go because DH is getting too upset by his DB refusing to "see". I think we may need to employ a helper to be there when we can't, but would love to know if anyone has any good suggestions ??

One good suggestion OP would be to consider the limits of what you and DH can and are willing to support for MIL.

You can't do everything practically or financially and need to remember that - the Relationship forum here is filled with posters whose marriage, sibling or child relationships or finances have been stretched to the limit & beyond by caring responsibilities for elderly relatives....

Oh yay, another OP equating Aspergers to selfishness. Was just thinking I hadn't seen one of those today

@Beyondthepage it's both. Well, I don't feel guilty as such because we were both so ill we couldn't have visited for that month- it's regrettable, but was unavoidable. Am still annoyed by BIL...

I think @CPtart what you've said is helpful, thanks. If one of us can go to the GP with her, it would be a start. First we have to have a difficult conversation where she makes some choices. I'm sure that the money isn't an issue, but it definitely helps to talk and I can see a little clearer now.

I guess whatever BIL does or doesn't do is between him and MIL. Before now she's told us that he only goes there if she's offered to buy him a takeaway. (I do actually believe this because it's so like him) The trouble is, DH gets cross because MIL tells us these things, but I've grown to see that MIL actually facilitates BIL's bad behaviour and panders to him in an indulgent way!! However, I suppose we'd better put our energies into moving on. Family dynamics, eh!!

@greensleeves I honestly wasn't equating Aspergers to selfishness! But I can't prove that as I don't want to "out" myself by saying what his issues are. I mentioned money, but that's not it. He's not the one I'm trying to help here, so I just tried to skim over him.

Then maybe in future don't include "we think he ight have undiagnosed Aspergers" in a post which is entirely about him being selfish/neglectful of interpersonal relationships? Just to avoid confusion.

I won't post again so as not to derail your thread.

We struggle with FIL (DH is an only so the care is on him) and we have noticed the lack of social interactions have really taken it's toll. We can only pop in weekly now and have him over for 2 dinners. In the rest of the week he never leaves his flat and if he does he gets very anxious about losing things and paranoid about people looking at him. He can barely speak when he gets here as he hasn't spoken out loud for 6 days.

The drs have suggested talking groups and therapies but he has said he'd rather die.

If you speak to the gp they may have groups like that locally for your MIL to get more social interaction and use her brain. The gp has said to us with FIL it's a case of use it or lose it. It's so sad but we cannot do more and he refuses carers.

Just to clarify, I did say that because I wanted some help and at that stage I was thinking perhaps we should try some reasoning strategies. I did not mean to cause offence, so sorry about that. I meant the question to read that I have been told he has it , but was wondering if that meant we should take that into account when trying to negotiate with him. Since reading all of the answers people have kindly given, I am now against the idea of speaking to BIL about this. It has really helped to talk it through, thanks

@MrsKoala Im sorry to hear about your FIL's problems. My DF also wont go to groups and my MIL wont socialise because the background noises cause havoc with her hearing aids. Its so sad your FIL won't agree to carers! I'm not sure my MIL will, but now we have to wait til we can have a face to face conversation to ask her...

Fucking hell! It really pisses me off when people post just to say 'it's none of your business'. Firstly, are we not allowed to have concerns for others and secondly, working on that principle, this site would be around 20% of it's current size.

The only thing that people have said aren't the OP's business are what the BIL chooses to do with his time. You can't control other people's actions only your own.
Getting upset about what BIL does/ doesn't do isn't going to sort out the problem.
If MIL can go for a month without relatives popping in she maybe isn't that bad anyway.
Some elderly people can become very selfish and want relatives visiting all the time and guilt trip but refuse to go out and socialise (loads of people socialise with hearing aids) and refuse external carers but lose their empathy skills when it comes to realising relatives are being run ragged. Dementia and depression can be part of this but alot of older women are good at the "poor poor me" thing

Several good suggestions on here Op. From my limited experience I would say it's a good idea not to wait until your MIL situation has got so bad that it needs emergency measures. If she is missing company and interaction then maybe sheltered accomodation or a retirement village would suit her needs. These are often able to offer help based on the needs of the individual and costed accordingly. It might make all the difference knowing she has company & people to talk to on a daily basis & help if she needs it. This arrangement would also take the pressure and worry from your shoulders too, knowing she was in a safe environment. I think you need to start with a visit to her GP & take it from there. Good luck.

Obviously I don't know what conversations have taken place in the past with your DH and BIL, but in conjunction with letting BIL know that more help is being arranged for MIL - which ideally should come from her own savings or property value - is it worth him asking for something very specific and limited i.e. BIL to visit once a week on a Tuesday on his way home from work for 15 minutes - not to do anything but just to talk to MIL.

For now we will sort out a GP appointment, see what she thinks about Wiltshire Farm foods deliveries and give her options so she can make her own choices.

Hey OP I think there is a backstory here (you hinted at this with the comment about the pandering). One pattern I have seen repeated time and time again is that the more neglected and less 'A List' children do the bulk of the care in old-age while the more favoured ones do fuck all. From childhood, they have been programmed to do their best to please Mummy and Daddy, knowing that even their best is not good enough, whereas the favoured child can do anything or nothing and the sun will still shine out their orifice. During old age, parents often realise they have created monsters, but they are part of their own narrative and so do their best to please the golden child in case they withdraw affection, again impacting on the less favoured ones who are working their rear ends off to gain affection. Meanwhile the golden-children (or, usually, child) has so little conscience and self-awareness that they are still in childhood mode of 'me, me, me' expecting everyone to cater to them, including the parents. Not saying this is happening in our situation, but, as said, I do suspect there is some backstory of some sort.

@YetAnotherSpartacus I know exactly what you mean...in my own childhood there were GC...but IDK enough about their family to know for sure. I thought maybe because BIL is the youngest that he may have been babied...Either way, it's not fair.

No, I totally agree. It is not fair.