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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if anyone is happy being childless?

72 replies

TotallyFedUp11 · 08/01/2018 11:05

I have had multiple miscarriages and the tests have come back clear. I know there's an option of getting more indepth tests privately but this is something we just can't afford. Therefore it looks incredibly unlikely that I will be able to have a baby. We've been to some adoption information events and I don't think it's really for us (we also know people who have adopted and are really struggling.)
So we are now looking at life without children. I am utterly devestated as had always planned for and wanted children. It's especially hard at the moment as so many of my friends are pregnant or have babies.
Does anyone have a fulfilling life without children? I've wasted years of my life over this and I feel I need to try and move on and try and do something else with my life now.

OP posts:

UnitedKungdom · 08/01/2018 11:12

I have children so am not sure if you want to hear from me but I know a few couples who have not had kids, by choice rather than not being able. There is something beautiful and calm about their lives. Things they can do and enjoy that we simply can't. It's up to the individual couple to make the most out of childfree living but the couples I know still have children in their lives (friends and family) but are so close to each other and do a lot more together than we'll manage for many many years. I think even when ours are grown up and gone they will still be our focus rather than each other which is not necessarily how I want it!

I'm not sure where you are in your fertility journey but I've also friends who had a very long hard road to have kids. Actually all of them have kids now. All of them. And I know all of them seriously thought at times it would never happen. So if you are able, keep going.

JustHereForThePooStories · 08/01/2018 11:13

I am! Seriously lovely life and never feel that something is missing.

FrancisUnderwood · 08/01/2018 11:16

Yes! Perfectly! My family extends outside of my own potential children. I have siblings, nieces, nephews.

The main difference I can't help you with is that I've never wanted children and am therefore happy without, whereas you wanted them dearly.

Butterball17 · 08/01/2018 11:16

One of my friends is a happily married teacher who chose not to have children and lives a very fulfilled life, she has an immaculate home, a job she loves, nieces and nephews she spoils and she travels a lot.. she is very happy with her decision, she enjoys the nurturing aspect of her job but didn’t feel she could be a mother... she seems content, relaxed and happy with her decision and is heavily involved with charity work which she says helps her feel happy and involved within her community.
I hope things work out for you whichever direction your life takes xx

bridgetreilly · 08/01/2018 11:16

Plenty of people are happy to be childless, whether by choice or not. Take time to think about the life you'd like to have and plan how to start having it. That might mean lots of travelling, or lots of time with friends, or developing a hobby you love, or changing career or all kinds of other things.

amusedbush · 08/01/2018 11:21

I love not having kids and don't feel broody at all. My resolve to not have children has gotten stronger as I've gotten older and when I picture my life in 3/5/10/20 years, I don't see children at all.

Chanelprincess · 08/01/2018 11:23

Yes, definitely. I've never once wanted children of my own and lead a very full and happy life with no regrets at all. We do have two children very much in our lives though, which is why I'm on Mumsnet.

sueelleker · 08/01/2018 11:24

I never wanted children-I have a full-time job, a husband and two spaniels; that's all I need.

ShatnersWig · 08/01/2018 11:24

Does anyone have a fulfilling life without children?

OP, I appreciate you are feeling a bit sad but I really can't believe you ask that question. Do you genuinely feel that the millions of people across the world who don't have children - a great proportion of which have chosen not to have children - lead totally unfulfilled lives? Seriously.

I'm sure Dame Helen Mirren finds her life totally empty and meaningless and unfulfilled. Ditto Condoleezza Rice, Betty White, Oprah Winfrey (yeah, she looked really unfulfilled accepting a lifetime achievement award at the Golden Globes last night), Kim Cattrall, Katherine Hepburn....

Purplerain101 · 08/01/2018 11:26

I don’t have children (yet) and I’m not 100% sold on the idea of becoming a mum. I’m not sure i’ll ever do it and it doesn’t worry me at all. I love my freedom and independence, and I like having a bit of money each month to spend on whatever I please. I have my pets and I’m very close to my two nieces

loveka · 08/01/2018 11:30

It really is OK! I have never missed having children at all. I don't know how people find tge time to be honest. I please myself what I do. Any problems I have only impact on me, not any little people.

The only thing I think about with regret is thinking of being in my 60's and 70's and not having a deep connection to someone else. So I suppose grandchildren, weddings etc. And of course noone will give a fuck about me when I'm old. But had I had children they may have emigrated or not cared anyway!

ScreamingValenta · 08/01/2018 11:33

Yes. I wouldn't say I have a marvellous life, but children wouldn't have added anything to it. They'd be one more thing to worry about, and would necessitate things like getting up early in the morning at the weekend, having to arrange babysitters if I wanted to go out, being tied to school holidays if I want to go away, having to cope with the inevitable tantrums that even the happiest children sometimes have. I really couldn't cope with the level of dependency, and having to put someone else's needs before everything I ever do.

LoniceraJaponica · 08/01/2018 11:38

I was happy not having children due to infertility. I got pregnant at 41, and am just as happy. Not sad and not happier. Life is different - not better, not worse.

Incidentally, some of my mum friends are separated or divorced. None of our child free friends are. They seem a lot happier.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 08/01/2018 11:39

I totally love being child free! I have so much freedom, sleep and disposable income compared to my friends who have children. I love going off on adventures, going to the theatre, out for nice meals, having long baths, sleeping in at the weekends etc, my life is very much not compatible with young children!
I really enjoy being an aunty and spoil my nieces and nephews, but am always glad to hand them back at the end of the day.

crochetmonkey69 · 08/01/2018 11:46

Me- I wanted children for a short while in my mid 30's to the point of exploring doing it alone etc. It was not quite strong enough to push me forward enough though. I am a teacher and feel that my job allows me the amount of contact I enjoy with young people.
I love the freedom of my choice, I like the stability of my finances and the lifestyle I can have.

NameChanger22 · 08/01/2018 11:47

I never wanted children, but then I had one in my mid 30s because my partner really wanted one.

My life was much easier, more free and I had a hell of a lot more money without a child to support. I can see pros and cons to both.

If you enjoy being able to leave the house whenever you want and having money to spend on yourself I wouldn't recommend having children.

FluffyWuffy100 · 08/01/2018 11:47

I’m happy.

Money, holidays, eat out, Dong things with friends. Freedom.

Have a cat. Have nieces and nephews.

Helps that a lot of my friends are child free by choice. I guess we gravitate towards each other as lifestyles suit.

Woolfrai · 08/01/2018 11:50

Hi, I'm involuntarily childless after a failed cycle of IVF. I am happy at the moment. I would say it was the realisation that I love my husband and, before we started trying, we were really happy and had lots of fun and laughter and he was enough for me to commit my full like to him and marry him, so if I couldn't have children with him, that's fine, as long as I didn't lose him and us. Sounds cheesy, but that's just where I was. We do still have bad days, and it's really hard to go through but we're getting there. We've spoken about adoption, and fostering, and more IVF, but right now, we're enjoying our house, each other, and being a little family with our dogs.

Nettleskeins · 08/01/2018 11:53

I would take out a loan to have more in depth investigation. FWIW I know someone who had repeated miscarriages aged 40 and then had three successful pregnancies after she made her husband give up drink and smoking. Babies cost something in the long term, so I wouldn't grudge the money at this stage. I spent a fair amount of money getting pregnant, I would rather the baby lived in everything second hand for the next 20 years than not know WHY I wasn't getting pregnant. Most fertility clinics will investigate both partners in depth.

I think then you can move forward with your life. Adoption can be as time consuming and expensive as tests at this stage, I have friends who have adopted btw.

Oooocrikeyitscold · 08/01/2018 11:55

My life was awesome pre children and is awesome post children just in incredible different ways. You have to approach it that it’s an entirely different way of life.

I would definitely recommend counselling, from reading your post I think you need to go through a grieving process for the life you expected only once you have done this will you know if you can be comfortable with being childless.

BlackBetha · 08/01/2018 11:56

Yes, but it took a long time to get there. You can't just turn off your feelings. Being childless through infertility is different from being childfree by choice (which is what some people on this thread are describing).

Nettleskeins · 08/01/2018 11:58

I don't think you should see yourself as "wasting" years of your life on this. You've explored all sorts of painful feelings, and gone through so much and that will make you a better person in many ways that you cannot imagine, I truly believe that, whatever the outcome for babies. Moving on is often presented as a brave thing to do, but sometimes it can be other people that suggest this when we are ourselves need that extra time to try things. I know someone whose wife had repeated IVF and there was no baby, the husband said Enough. The wife split from her husband five years after this, I think the fallout was that it had not been her decision to quit, but HIS. And she didn't forgive him deep down. I'm not saying that is your situation btw.

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/01/2018 11:59

Life without children is just as fulfilling as I'm sure life with children is. However, give yourself the time and permission to grieve: you're coming at childlessness from a completely different perspective than somebody who has chosen it, and you're going to be readjusting pretty much everything about how you expected your life to turn out.

All the things you would have done or continued to do with your life and for yourself if you were a parent? You still do those things. All the things that most people look forward to in retirement and after their DC have left home? You work towards those a little earlier than you may have planned. You and your OH must have had other life goals you knew you wanted to work towards besides being parents - now's the time to explore those.

I'm childfree by choice - have never felt in the slightest bit broody, so it was an easy call. I live a very free, easygoing and selfish lifestyle which makes me very happy: and also have the time, money and energy to dedicate to the things I do which matter to me, which includes charitable work, because I'm not actually the completely self-centred asshole many parents like to make the childfree out to be. Wouldn't change it for anything. My life is complete.

Rebeccaslicker · 08/01/2018 12:00

I have several friends who are childfree - some by choice; others because they haven't met the right person and prefer to wait. Examples of what they have chosen to do include:

focussing on exciting careers, often involving working overseas for a period
working with children
travelling nonstop every couple of years
leaving law to set up a dog boarding and walking business in the country
spending lots of time with friends who have children - this lady gets on particularly well with her friends' kids when they are stroppy teenagers as they'll talk to her!

BUT none of those things may appeal to, or be right for you. You've had some hard news and it will take time for you to process that and find what's right for you, whether that be to stop trying or not. Lots and lots of luck with your decision

ObscuredbyFog · 08/01/2018 12:00

AIBU can be harsh sometimes OP, please don't take any blunt replies on here to heart. (not that I think any have been blunt - yet)

Maybe you'd be better reframing your question to something like 'If you wanted children but were unable to have any, did you go on to have a happy and fulfilling life' that way the replies would be more tailored to your circumstances.

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