To ask if anyone is happy being childless?

[TotallyFedUp11]

I have had multiple miscarriages and the tests have come back clear. I know there's an option of getting more indepth tests privately but this is something we just can't afford. Therefore it looks incredibly unlikely that I will be able to have a baby. We've been to some adoption information events and I don't think it's really for us (we also know people who have adopted and are really struggling.)
So we are now looking at life without children. I am utterly devestated as had always planned for and wanted children. It's especially hard at the moment as so many of my friends are pregnant or have babies.
Does anyone have a fulfilling life without children? I've wasted years of my life over this and I feel I need to try and move on and try and do something else with my life now.

Aww OP, I'm sorry. I'm TTC so don't have first hand experience, but one of my best friends from uni is childless and plans to stay that way and she is very happy with her choice. She has a health condition that would make it hard for her to conceive but I'm not sure this is the reason she doesn't want kids.

She has so much flexibility in her life - she can plan for her future the way she wants it, and has a lot more money than she would if she had kids. She is a lovely 'fake aunt' to the children of some of her friends, and she is one of the most committed and kind and lovely friends I have.

I hope that whatever you choose to do you have a long and happy life from it x

Agree with PP who mentioned this is insulting, all you ever hear from parents is complaining and how hard their lives are and full of drudgery and worry and being skint. Being childfree is very very very different to childless, the latter are people who haven’t had a kid yet or want a kid but can’t have one, whereas childfree people will not be having a kid and will try to get sterilised, being a parent is absolutely not something that will happen, our lives are free of children.

Not the demographic you’re asking about as I’m childfree but my life is absolute bliss.

Does anyone have a fulfilling life without children?

I think you are asking the wrong question here. What you mean - I think - is, is it possible to recover from unwanted childlessness (as opposed to a planned child free situation) and to find alternative meaning and fulfillment in your life.

Yes, it is, but it can take time and sometimes outside help in the form of therapy in order to readjust your expectations and shift your focus.

I have no children and have never wanted them. I can't imagine what it must be like for you to really want them and not be able to... I know a few people in the same situation and for them it is heartbreaking.

Not wanting to gloat but without children I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I can have my career, travel (and not have to worry about school holidays or exotic food and fussy eaters), all my money is my own, if I want to sleep all weekend I can, or if I want to party all weekend I can, I can go to the gym and not rush home for the school run or to cook dinner etc etc.

However the downside is I have lost friends who settle down and have children - somehow I don't fit in with their lifestyle anymore. They are busy with their other mummy friends who they've met at playgroups etc. and they can't come out at weekends and live our old lifestyle... part of growing up I guess!

Yes, I'm absolutely delighted that I have no children. I have never wanted any. My life is just how I want it to be. I put a lot into my career and have amazing friends.

However .... you are not me. I can see from your post how much you would like to have children and I hope with all my heart that it happens for you.

I have children and think I would probably have been devastated had I not been able to have had any. Knowing and look my children now I would be devastated not to have them in my life.
But l now also know I could've had a very happy less stressful life without children. I would have a better career, more money, do more things, visit more places and have less responsibilities.
Having had them I couldn't go back and undo that given the choice because they're 3 very special and most loved people to me now. But if I hadn't met them and was making the choice without all the love attached I honestly don't know what my choice would've been.
A lot of extra love, fun and enjoyment comes from having children but so do a lot of extra responsibilities and worries.
As they're older teens now I find the worry is the hardest part. You always want to know they're ok, and their hurts are your hurts. It can be overwhelming.
All my children are healthy with no additional needs so I haven't had to experience the extra responsibilities other parents have. I can't imagine how much harder and worrying that is.

I'm sorry to hear that you've had so much upset in your life recently.

To answer your question - I don't have children and am happy as a clam. I'm different from you in that I never really wanted children and when I never got pregnant I didn't bother getting it investigated, I just accepted it.

It's allowed me the freedom to do what I want at all times. I read the stories of motherhood on here and the problems of pregnancy/birth/baby/tantrums/school/bullying/illness/teenagers and I'm really glad I don't have to worry about any of that. I do what I want with my time and money.

If you've made a decision to move on, invest in yourself, your relationship, your career and your interests.

I'm sorry to say that you're facing what I remember as the loneliest part of my life, when nearly all my friends started having babies. They quite understandably didn't want to or have time to socialise and if they did, it was all about the baby. I learned to enjoy my own company. Sorry if that sounds bleak, it's not, I just got to used to going out on my own. And as you have a partner that's easier. Also, friends bounce back - babies aren't babies for ever. Plus I've made a lot of new friends through new interests.

I hope the messages on here are of some support to you. We're conditioned from birth to expect to be mothers but there is a large minority of women (I think it's about a quarter) who aren't and most of us are doing just fine.

Difficult question as those that are happy without children are often those that made decision not to have them. I think you can be happy of course but you need to accept and make peace with the fact that you can't have your own.

If you are not ready to do this I would go for more tests so even if it never happened you would know you did everything in your power to make it happen.

To a certain extent everyone regardless of circumstances needs to learn to make the best of every day and every situation. So whether trying for children or making the decision not to have them you need to make every day count.

I think there’s a massive difference between people who have chosen not to have kids and those who can’t through infertility. I’ve suffered secondary infertility and have one perfect little boy. We have a lovely life as a family of 3, can do more, travel more afford nicer things etc but when holding my sons hand I always feel my other hand is empty where there should be another little hand holding on. I doubt people who have chosen to have one feel this, because nothing is missing from their envisaged life. Allow yourself to grieve, to think if there is anyway you could afford treatments even if it means downsizing, not going on holiday etc (we looked into this as nhs won’t help at all for secondary infertility but on balance we decided to stay as we were,would probably have been different if we didn’t have DS). Look at counselling to learn to live with your grief. Life will be worthwhile and you can fill it with many things and look at the positives of your situation but accepting your life will take a different path to one you envisaged will be a difficult adjustment.

OP. So sorry you are going through this. I wanted children but was unable to have them despite multiple rounds of adoption. We too decided adoption was not for us. We have a great marriage and really enjoy our life together. So the answer is yes you can be happy after infertility but it will take time to heal.

One thing I will say, you don't say how old you are but I did find that after a certain point people saying "you musntn't give up hope" and telling me their friends' success stories really didn't help. I needed to let go of hope to get on with my life.

There is s thread for childless women in the Chat section.

All the best.

I'm in a similar situation to you OP and agree with the posters that have said it is a completely different situation when being childfree is a choice. I suggest looking up Gateway Women. I have attended some meetups and met some wonderful women who are at different stages of being childfree not by choice and although I still have (a teeny bit of probably stupid) hope, meeting these ladies has really helped - and the meetups can be a lot of fun! I've found it massively helpful to talk to people who are in the same sort of situation that so many people just cannot understand, this situation is so isolating along with everything else. Good luck with whatever happens x

There are advantages to not having children, the people I know who haven't have generally -

• extra money gives them choices, whether it's to take a sabbatical and travel, live in a place not conducive to children (eg zone 1 London), be able to go part time as they've paid off mortgage

• more time and money to travel and pursue other hobbies or change career to something less lucrative but more enjoyable, generally be able to pursue what they want in life without compromises

• can look after themselves better through better diet, exercise, more me time etc so look better and will probably live longer

• I think most people's marriages are happier without kids

I think you can and will lead a fulfilling life that's what you chose but I think you have to be at peace with that decision, and with fertility treatment it's a very personal decision to choose what point you stop.

I wish you all the best in deciding what to do next

yes, am childfree by choice, nice other half (we discussed not wanting kids right at the start) and we holiday, have a nice flat, can work all hours if we want, or spend weekend doing NOTHING beyond netflix and chill.

Only "downside" is that the future does stretch out in front of you without end. There will be no change unless you (or in this case I) make it. Which is fine but to be honest my life in 20 years could be identical to now, which would not be true if you had kids growing up, leaving home etc.

I am childless through infertility and am now post-menopause so am out the other side. I have an amazingly fulfilled life. I don't feel any less of a person for not having had them although I won't lie, I do have moments when it makes me and DH very sad (e.g. Christmas and who will want all those photos I used to index in such loving detail?). But then we went away at Christmas which was fantastic and already have trips booked and lined up for this year. There are countless benefits to not having children (we both get weekend lie-ins for a start ).

I also had a loss - and never conceived again - and adoption was absolutely not for us. The day I reclaimed my life back by accepting that it wasn't to be was like a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders.

Being childless is part of me but I'm not identified by it.

DM me if you'd like a "chat".

OP, I am sorry to hear your heartbreak.

For years I let infertility and multiple miscarriages take over my life, it ruined my enjoyment of almost everything else. It was only when I accepted that our life would not feature children that I found things slowly became easier. Up until this point, the hope that it may be possible was bringing me down. I think it is the uncertainty that was most difficult to deal with as while you have hope you can't really move on.

I have since fallen pregnant naturally and got further than I ever have before - I feel extremely guilty thinking this and have not voiced it out loud but I do have worries about money, my career and missing the quality time I currently have with husband when a baby comes into our lives(even though it is all I have wanted for a very long time). I think whichever way things go in life the future can be daunting - again I suppose it is the uncertainty.

I hope you are able to find fulfillment, whatever that means to you. I'm sure the heartache will remain but don't let it become you, find happiness in lots of other things.

Yes, of course life can be fulfilling and satisfying in any way you choose when you don't have children. But I do think you have an extra responsibility to steer your life in the direction you want it to go, because there is no child-rearing road map to guide you.

I am.

I just don't really fancy it. I don't think I would enjoy it.

I'm not sure how much that helps you though, because you thought that you would like it.

You thought that you would like life with a child, but I expect that you can also enjoy life without one. It'll be a different life but that doesn't mean it can't be a good one.

You don't have to straight away try to convince yourself that it's better. You can start by thinking that it's OK.

You also don't have to do something extraordinary to make up for not having a child. You can just have a nice ordinary life.

By all means start a company or try to cure cancer or climb Kilmanjaro on a pogo stick, but only if you actually want to, not because you think you need to compensate for anything.

Not having children, is different, but not a poorer life. Agree about the differences between choosing not to have children and not being able to have children (which is the group I am in). Never wanted to adopt, as we wanted our child, but when it was not to be, we just moved on. We have lots of relation's / friend's children in our lives and we love spending time with them and are often told how good we are with them, which is good to hear, but can tug a little. What I find very insensitive is being told I am lucky not to have children, given how bad other's children are or are behaving at the time, or when assumptions are made about us choosing not to have children (as I don't go around saying why we don't have any).

I am. However it's a choice I have made rather than been forced into, so I imagine it's very different.

Thank you for all your replies, I wasn't expecting to get so many! To the people who have listed ways in which their/their friends lives are still fulfilling and enriching, thank you. That it what I looking for. For me, it's changing the focus of my life and what am I going to do instead of what I'd planned to do.
As one poster said, we're conditioned from birth to be mothers ourselves (or so it feels like) and it's so difficult to imagine that big stretch of time infront of us without doing that.
Once I've grieved and come to terms with it all, I definitely think I need to start looking into some charity work, or even just get a hobby.

plans are absolute fuckers. They may not even have been the best idea...but once you have them and invest in them they hurt to throw away even when its blinding obviously its the right move to do so.

I planned to have lots of children and turned out to be a terrible terrible parent. Its in everyone's best interests that my DD remain an only child, but I still get the helpless rage when I see other people doing what I always planned to.

If I could go back in time and shoot that plan in the head I would...

I've never wanted children. I love my small nephews but am always relieved when i can hand them back.

I think you are asking the wrong question here. What you mean - I think - is, is it possible to recover from unwanted childlessness (as opposed to a planned child free situation) and to find alternative meaning and fulfillment in your life.

This is exactly the right question and I love the expression unwanted childlessness.
I find that TV/ books etc don't answer this question. Childless people usually end up having an unexpected miracle baby.

wildjim and dontcallmecharlotte are the kind of stories I'd love to hear more of.

OP I was once in your shoes, Infertility was devastating for me. I wish you well. It's so hard.

OP, i don't have children* by choice

Life without them can be fulfilling if you make some adjustments to your thinking. Take every opportunity to do those spur of the moment trips, last minute meals out, adult-friendly culture (naughty or just museum-based!), sharing time with friends, etc. You will have more time to give to your career, so embrace it/smash the glass ceiling if that's your thing. Loll about in the garden, drink wine too early on Sundays, stay in your PJs all weekend... you get the drift.

I asterisked* because like many women I know, I take great pleasure in other peoples' children. Embrace your nieces, cousins, friends' children, become THAT 'aunty' who is always good for a cuddle and is fun. I inherited step-kids late in life and get enormous pleasure out of their children ..... especially giving them back at the end of the day :-)