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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if anyone is happy being childless?

72 replies

TotallyFedUp11 · 08/01/2018 11:05

I have had multiple miscarriages and the tests have come back clear. I know there's an option of getting more indepth tests privately but this is something we just can't afford. Therefore it looks incredibly unlikely that I will be able to have a baby. We've been to some adoption information events and I don't think it's really for us (we also know people who have adopted and are really struggling.)
So we are now looking at life without children. I am utterly devestated as had always planned for and wanted children. It's especially hard at the moment as so many of my friends are pregnant or have babies.
Does anyone have a fulfilling life without children? I've wasted years of my life over this and I feel I need to try and move on and try and do something else with my life now.

OP posts:

Shineystrawberrylover · 08/01/2018 15:37

Yes. I have various friends who are entering their late 40's - 50's with no children, so I take it they will remain so. One works with children her partner had children when still quite young who had "flown the nest" before she came along. She has never wanted children and actively sought a partner with no desire for children.
Another friend has underwent sterilisation about 10 years ago to "make sure". Another couple are happy now. But they did consider adoption after fertility treatment. The adoption process went suddenly wrong at the very last approval stage (changed view of the local council towards previous treatment for depression). They took a couple of years to adjust their expectations.

Dungeondragon15 · 08/01/2018 15:39

I think that those who have chosen not to have children are likely to be as happy as anyone else. Those who didn't choose but were unable to have children are maybe less so but it depends on the person. You don't say how old you are OP, but depending on your age, you have a successful pregnancy in the future. Many people do even after multiple miscarriages.

user1473069303 · 08/01/2018 17:47

I'm sorry that you're going through this, OP and hope that in the end you get your wish.

I'm CF by choice - never had that visceral longing for DC, so I'm not coming at the situation from the same angle as you. I can say that life is very nice. Just me, DH and the dogs. Easier and more comfortable, with a bit more time to focus on work and hobbies. I'm personally very introverted and couldn't imagine being "on" all the time - not just for a DC but also for everyone else that having DC brings you into contact with.

goodbeans · 08/01/2018 22:34

For me, being childfree is a choice I would have been happy with had my DH not wanted children. However in addition to the positive experiences that people have shared here, you might be interested to search the scientific research into the same question. The evidence seems to show that parents are less happy than non-parents. Example article here might help you think about the positives
www.independent.co.uk/life-style/many-parents-will-say-kids-made-them-happier-they-re-probably-lying-a7124851.html

Welshlovebicuit · 08/01/2018 22:44

Kind of... it's more resignation than happiness though; you just get on with it. All the comments about being free to go on lots of holidays etc made me smile...I'm broke after two previous DHs lied about it 'not bothering them' and both went on to get some tart knocked up. Life is what you make of it though, no point in naval gazing as far as I'm concerned.

Original poster

TotallyFedUp11 · 09/01/2018 10:46

Thanks for the article link goodbeans, very interesting and just what I need to read I think.

OP posts:

Wilma55 · 09/01/2018 10:52

How much are the private tests? You say you can't afford them but you can afford children?

Heartoffire · 09/01/2018 10:54

We have 5 children op 3 flown the nest and 2 still here. I have grandchildren I help care for and elderly parents that need constant attention.

I never go to w train station or see a plane and with for a second I was on it and just me, dh and the dog escaping all our responsibilities. The thing with kids is it never ends. It’s lovely but sometimes I do fantasise how different, and rich me and dh would be now without kids.

chatwoo · 09/01/2018 10:58

I don't have children (by choice). Have never been maternal or had that instinct. Never occurred to me for one moment that something was missing! To me, my life is normal (not that people who have children have abnormal lifes!).

Heartoffire · 09/01/2018 11:06

I read somewhere that dogs are the new children

ScreamingValenta · 09/01/2018 17:00

Heartoffire One advantage of dogs is that it only takes them about a year to become adults!

specialsubject · 09/01/2018 17:16

...although you will always be picking up their excreta!

As many have pointed out, for those who did not make the choice not to have kids, it is a whole different mindset. I hope the replies on here show that it is perfectly possible to have a happy and fulfilled life without descendants. But if it wasn't the plan, it will take some getting used to.

it's not all about being able to work all hours or jet off when you like. There is so much more! I wish you the very best.

Snowdrop18 · 09/01/2018 17:22

Well of course people can be happy without children

But also wondering why your friends who adopted are struggling? We did this, not because we couldn't have children naturally but other reasons....so I'm interested in this comment. I think the process has got more complicated but I get the impression you say your friends are struggling after adopting and I wonder why?

chestylarue52 · 09/01/2018 19:00

I enjoy not having children, but then not every childless person has the same life as me.

I miss out on the love and the busy family and I'll never have grandchildren, but not everyone who has children gets those things either.

"Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's."

BobbinThreadbare123 · 09/01/2018 19:04

I'm not childless. I'm child free. I'm very happy and have never wanted children. Nor can I see any in my future. I have a lot of freedom and I enjoy it immensely.

Trills · 09/01/2018 19:28

The researchers caution that their findings don't mean that American parents are less happy than other parents around the world, as some media outlets have reported.... American parents and non-parents report the biggest relative difference in happiness among the countries they studied.

That is very responsible data reporting.

Trills · 09/01/2018 19:30

your friends are struggling after adopting and I wonder why?

I took it to mean that even people who really really want children, and go through a lot to get them, can find life hard once they have them.

It's not just those who sleepwalk into having children who can find the reality of it difficult.

PidgeonSpray · 09/01/2018 19:48

Hi OP,

We are childfree and extremely happy.

You're life has been on hold with TTC but once you've grieved you will be able to move on and enjoy life.

All of our friends have kids and I'd genuinely say we are the happiest out of all of them!

However, I do often think we'll be lonely in old age (although having kids doesn't guarantee they'll stick around and look after u ... and nor should one expect it)

NobbyNobberson · 09/01/2018 19:52

I'm happy childless, in fact I can't imagine ever wanting children. It's just not me.

I have had a very involved hobby which I'm getting to the point that I think I'm ready to leave behind. I'm looking forward to freedom, flexibility and travel 😃

DrMadelineMaxwell · 09/01/2018 19:55

Multiple as in the 3 mcs it takes where I am to trigger the referral for tests, or more?

Only asking as we had 3, had the tests and, at the appointment, the consultant just shrugged his shoulders and said it was 'one of those things'.

We tried again and pg number 4 and 5 resulted in DCs 1 and 2.

honeyroar · 09/01/2018 19:57

Yes. Been through a fair bit of upset over not having children, especially when friends were pregnant and having kids, but I realised I've a lot of good things in my life. Children aren't the only good thing that can happen...

CharizMa · 09/01/2018 20:00

I have children but i think that facing childlessness between ages of 37 and 43 approx would be incredibly difficult but i thiiiink that that is at least partially down to hormones. I would have struggled with it i know but now there is a lot i would like to do but cannot due to being a single parent. The world seems full of things i cannot join right now and i feel life is passing me my in autopilot single motherhood. But a decade ago i know i would have traded anything and everything to be a mother. Now i see that i hadnt got to know myself properly back them.

Im not sure that helps.
I hope you find your passions and indulge them and glory in your freedom! Adjustment is the toughest thing.

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