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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask colleague to do one?

104 replies

DaviesMum · 07/01/2018 20:40

I've worked with this person in a team of twenty for the past five years. For some reason, they make a beeline for me whenever they walk in the door, endlessly and breathlessly telling me how fantastic they are: customers think they are the best, how gorgeous they were told they look and just in general how bloody fantastic they are. The behaviour borders on almost stalker-level frenzy, and at least an hour of my day is wasted by this person plonking themselves down in an empty seat and talking AT me.

I've tried headphones, not making eye contact and dropping subtle hints about how busy I am, all to no avail. If I go to the toilet or to the tea prep, this person is physically racing to catch up with me and off we go again. Everyone makes a joke about it but it makes for 37.5 hours of hell a week. This person plays the ingenue very well, has many people convinced of their "fragility", but when it boils down to my mental state, I'm supposed to deal with this. My manager is afraid to act on my behalf because this person has made a number of allegations against the manager, even going so far as to get their partner to threaten my manager.

I suffered my first anxiety attack in 17 years and was seen by out of hours doctor in the early hours because I know this is what I face tomorrow. I desperately want to tell this person to fuck off - all I get is how wonderful they are and to STFU. If I do this I'm screwed, help MN!!!

OP posts:
AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 08/01/2018 18:30

This is awful, you poor thing! Can you make a formal complaint to the company in writing? Document her harassment over a week and send it to them. Make sure you state that other staff have witnessed this, and explain clearly the impact on your mental health and ability to do your own job. Evidence is key here.

ReginaBlitzkreig · 08/01/2018 19:10

I am really sorry you are having such an awful time. She is clearly having a big effect on you, and I can see why.

This happened to me many years ago. People thought it was funny (the colleague in question cultivated an eccentric persona that masked the viciousness), and senior management told me to just deal with it myself. It was my mother who saw it plainly. She told me I was being bullied. I didn't like to admit that, but she was right.

My mother advised me to ignore the colleague completely, because any attention, whether positive or negative, was just feeding the behaviour. My god, it was hard. Made worse by the fact that at the time, I worked in a little room on my own. Colleague tried everything to get me to engage-involving others, bringing little presents, genuine (if unnecessary) work queries, mockery, invitations to things, little hurt voice, fake bewilderment, annoyance, requests for personal or professional help, contempt for my lack of manners, you name it. The record was a full 30-40 minutes in my room trying to get me to engage while I grimly stared at my computer screen in silence typing nonsense pretending to work, then about a hour of peace and a further 10 minutes having another go. After that day though, colleague pretty much gave up and I had my peace.

All these years later and the colleague is finally facing an incompetency procedure which should result in departure from our workplace before too long. I hope.

So I really get what you are going through. It is so intense. Over a decade later, DH still insists that colleague's name should not be uttered in our house, because if I start to talk about the whole thing I get sucked back in to all the anger and feel like crap for a good while afterwards.

I think my mistake was not to make the whole thing enough of an issue for others. I was junior and at first felt to blame, then stupid. I thought I had to solve it myself. And all the while, I was soaking up colleague's attention and annoying habits, so everyone else at work was spared. As far as they were concerned, that was a result, hence the reluctance to help me.

So, I get that you want to keep this job and feel vulnerable. However, you have got to share the misery so that others have an incentive to pull their socks up and do the right thing.

First of all, tell her straight but politely preferably by email but also in person that you can't spare all this time to talk and you need her to stop doing it completely. Tell manager that you are going to do so and ask manager to be present. Not because either of them will take any notice, but because you will document in your diary what you requested from manager and said to colleague and when and the fact that neither has complied.

If you go to the loo to avoid her, go in the Gents. Or the top executives' loo. Anywhere but where she expects to find you. The cleaners' cupboard if needs must. Explain to any person who asks that you have been left without all help and must use these desperate measures.

Another good tactic would be this: when she comes to speak to you, get up and say you can't talk as you have got to see X [X being a senior manager]. Then leave your desk and go into X's office and shut the door. Explain to X that as no one will help you with colleague's behaviour, which is increasingly have a bad effect on you, you are having to absent yourself to avoid it. As she follows you to the loo you can't go there, so will be in X's office for the next few minutes.

This has to become uncomfortable for the managers and not just for you. Only that will give the company the impetus to deal with it.

If necessary, deal with further approaches by saying you are late for an appointment. Then get your coat and walk out. Stay out for a while then go back. If anyone criticises you leaving during the working day, point out: (i) you are being harassed and the company refuses to help you; (ii) you can't get anything done with her yakking at you anyway; (iii) loss of productivity cannot be that important as they have failed to deal with your colleague's wasting of your and her time for a considerable period of time.

Finally, I am not encouraging complacency by any means, but while partner may be unpleasant don't take him entirely at face value-many people are good at verbal threats and bullying but do no more. Make sure, if it comes to a falling out, that you or a workmate mentions that your brother is a copper. Let colleague and her odious partner have a think about that.

snash12 · 08/01/2018 19:18

It’s quite shocking that this doesn’t seem to be uncommon. I really feel for you OP, work is a massive part of a lot of people’s lives and someThing needs to happen to put a stop to it. Some companies are so scared of having some kind of law suit that they pussy foot around and people like your colleague are quite literally ruining people’s lives.

bunbunny · 08/01/2018 19:25

It's great that a colleague has been running interference for you today but dreadful that she has resorted to spilling her coffee on your desk.

How often do you need to interact with her to do actual work?

How often should she need to come to your actual desk or could she email you/call you/you go to her desk (so you can leave when you want to!)/etc?

Definitely think you should be prepared to have your phone out and be recording whenever she is around - particularly when you come in and out of the building or are expecting her in or out... If you don't need a chunk of recording then throw it - but start collecting the evidence.

Do you have a webcam in your pc that you could use to act as a cctv for your desk? You can get a good one for less than £20 that will record audio and camera - hopefully your manager would get it but even if you get it, would be worth it to have evidence against her.

Hope that your manager and the senior managers start to take this bullying very seriously very soon...

dorislessingscat · 08/01/2018 19:26

I agree with all the posters that say you cannot pander to her behaviour or implement elaborate coping mechanisms. Your management and HR must deal with it.

They must also deal with your concerns over your personal safety.

Ask them: I am telling you on the record that I am concerned for my personal safety. If you do nothing and I am attacked, how will that affect how the company is viewed by staff and customers?

killforcarrots · 08/01/2018 21:12

Surely the company could get into a lot of trouble by ignoring your wellbeing? They have a duty to you as an employee to keep you safe and allow you to do your job in peace.

DaviesMum · 08/01/2018 22:54

She doesn't have to interact with me at all; she has been doing the job for ten years more than me and we all work on discrete areas of work. She occasionally will deal with a former customer that I've dealt with and uses this to insert herself into my work day.

I've been told that because I've discussed this situation with colleagues that I'm at risk of creating a hostile and degrading atmosphere which is potentially a disciplinary offence.

This employer demoted me once before because I was ill for six months and takes no interest in employee health. We're treated as expendable because we're at the higher end of the payscales for the work we do. Staff are actively managed out for a single day of sick leave so employee safety is ignored completely.

OP posts:
GeeIneverthoughtofthat · 08/01/2018 23:15

So your employer would discipline you for allegedly “creating a hostile and degrading atmosphere” for discussing legitimate concerns? Yet at the same time it permits this bullying behaviour to continue for months and ignores threats to personal safety?

Once you have the diary of the incidents I would seek legal advice.

DaviesMum · 09/01/2018 00:26

Precisely GeeIneverthoughtofthat. As crazy as it sounds, you've hit the nail on the head. She is totally teflon coated in this

On one occasion I had remarked in an email to my manager, half-heartedly joking that "assuming that 'Janet' gives me time to get on with this" ad I was advised to delete the email from my sent items in case it ever came down to a "dignity at work" issue. It's obviously not my dignity they are concerned with!

OP posts:
killforcarrots · 09/01/2018 08:40

This is so crazy. So she is basically being allowed to bully and make your life hell and nobody does anything to protect the incompetent manager who was threatened by her before? And she has a violent partner who threatens people. Absolutely nuts situation, I am sorry you are going through this OP.

Is there any way you could be moved to an office with a lockable door so you can at least sit and do your work in peace?

Graphista · 09/01/2018 10:11

DO NOT delete any potential evidence - covering their own arses there! Sounds a bloody horrendous place to work, I assume you're looking to go elsewhere? But I know that's not easy, and tbh (not your problem) but doesn't solve the problem of this dick colleague

Graphista · 09/01/2018 10:12

Actually - copy any emails/evidence regarding this to your private email if I were you - wouldn't put it past them to have IT delete evidence

MrTrebus · 09/01/2018 10:21

WTF this all sounds nuts. If you get full sick pay OP then just go off sick and make sure your doc sick note says exactly why. This wont provoke her or her weird partner but will make it clear to HR and all management etc that she is the reason why and they need to sort it out.

Namechangetempissue · 09/01/2018 10:25

Ring ACAS. They were absolutely brilliant with my work related issue and it was a huge weight off my mind.
I agree it is time for the management team to act. She clearly has a rhino hide and will not give up easily, so no more deflections or avoidance tactics.
If it is so bad you are having nightmares and can't sleep and cry at work you need to seriously think about seeing your GP about being signed off for a week or two. You can cite the reason to management being this colleague.
I would also be actively looking for another job Flowers

killforcarrots · 09/01/2018 10:40

Do you think she is trying to get you sacked? She sounds like she has serious mental problems. I'm surprised she hasn't been sacked if she doesn't do any work and stands around chatting. Did she behave like this with other colleagues before you started working there or is it just with you?

DaviesMum · 09/01/2018 12:36

I've asked myself the same thing killforcarrots. She views us as - you'll love this - superior to other colleagues, because of our level of education and experience. I do wonder, however, whether she sees this as a threat.

In any case, she did this to another colleague who retired because they couldn't stand her. It was left unaddressed by management so she thinks she can behave how she likes. I'm always amazed she gets any work done as she's forever floating about yacking.

OP posts:
Shadow666 · 09/01/2018 12:49

I think you are right to be official about this. ACAS, union, a diary. If they do try and threaten you with disciplinary action they won't have a leg to stand on.

Keep being firm with her. She's like a toddler with no boundaries. Hopefully she will get the message. When you go to work, carry your phone in your hand. Carry a whistle if needs be.

Hang in there!

killforcarrots · 09/01/2018 13:52

DaviesMum, Good luck with ACAS and keep us updated!

bunbunny · 09/01/2018 17:45

Can yoy get something in writing to manager/hr to say that she is creating a hostile and degrading atmosphere that is stopping you from working and causing you stress - over and above the time that she is physically actually stopping you from working by talking at you and not listening when you say you have work to do so can't chat?

DaviesMum · 18/01/2018 22:58

Sorry for resurrecting this thread, Ithought I'd let you all know what's happened.

Matters took a turn for the worse today when I entered a near state of meltdown about an unrelated matter (worthy itself of a call to ACAS) and explained both to my manager, and their own manager, what a living hell life at work has become for me. I think that my reaction to today's events scared them because I became almost praternaturally calm at one point then unleashed my anger the next. The result is that my stalker is being moved out of reach and will be monitored at all times during contact that we may have.

In the long run I may well have damaged my own prospects within the organisation, both because it's evident how ill I've becomd but also because I spoke quite a few truths about a serious failing, bordering on misconduct, that I've drawn to the attention of executives. I've been told "it's not the done thing" and to consider myself warned. Would I want promotion? No, they can stick it up their arse. I'm a woman with lots of information that does me no good to hold on to it. However, I'm a woman that needs to put food on the table and a perfunctory reference for the remotest chance I get this life sentence in hell commuted, so I have to just accept it, apparently.

OP posts:
Singlebutmarried · 18/01/2018 23:02

Where was HR in all this OP? Surely you should have had some sort of representation in there.

DaviesMum · 18/01/2018 23:14

Nope, I was asked by my manager, during my lunch, if I have a quick five minutes for a catch-up and got sandbagged with this instead.

The fact that certain people have been embarassed counts for more than protecting others is the less than subtle way of managing an employee out by managerial gagging order.

They questioned what made me make this disclosure as they apparently cannot comprehend that some of us have morals.

OP posts:
snash12 · 19/01/2018 08:26

It's just baffling that any organisation behaves like this. Sorry I don't really have any advice. I feel for you OP

Shinesweetfreedom · 01/02/2018 04:26

How are things now.I hope things are better for you.

Ikanon · 01/02/2018 04:36

Hoping things have improved since she was moved Flowers