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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask colleague to do one?

104 replies

DaviesMum · 07/01/2018 20:40

I've worked with this person in a team of twenty for the past five years. For some reason, they make a beeline for me whenever they walk in the door, endlessly and breathlessly telling me how fantastic they are: customers think they are the best, how gorgeous they were told they look and just in general how bloody fantastic they are. The behaviour borders on almost stalker-level frenzy, and at least an hour of my day is wasted by this person plonking themselves down in an empty seat and talking AT me.

I've tried headphones, not making eye contact and dropping subtle hints about how busy I am, all to no avail. If I go to the toilet or to the tea prep, this person is physically racing to catch up with me and off we go again. Everyone makes a joke about it but it makes for 37.5 hours of hell a week. This person plays the ingenue very well, has many people convinced of their "fragility", but when it boils down to my mental state, I'm supposed to deal with this. My manager is afraid to act on my behalf because this person has made a number of allegations against the manager, even going so far as to get their partner to threaten my manager.

I suffered my first anxiety attack in 17 years and was seen by out of hours doctor in the early hours because I know this is what I face tomorrow. I desperately want to tell this person to fuck off - all I get is how wonderful they are and to STFU. If I do this I'm screwed, help MN!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
DaviesMum · 08/01/2018 00:38

I am mindful to do this but her partner is a loose cannon - I worry he'll be waiting for me to get to work one day, then all bets are off. I'm a tall lass but not a fighter.

OP posts:
NoMudNoLotus · 08/01/2018 00:41

TBH this rings of harassment to me.

CremeFresh · 08/01/2018 00:42

You shouldn't be in fear of her partner , omg what an awful situation.

RestingGrinchFace · 08/01/2018 00:47

Just complain to HR and ignore. There really is no reason why you can't continue with your day without aknowledging them.

Butterymuffin · 08/01/2018 00:50

Do what CremeFresh says and add in that you're going to seek legal advice because you're worried about how this person (or their partner) will react if you can't put up with the distractions from work any longer, and you will be telling your solicitor that work are failing to protect you from harassment. You need to find a way to make them more worried about what you might do than what she might do. Is there a head office or is your workplace the central / highest level bit of the business?

BashStreetKid · 08/01/2018 00:58

Why hasn't your manager done anything about the threats from her partner?

Graphista · 08/01/2018 01:02

This is beyond harassment it's out and out bullying she should have been sacked!

Very hard and I have to say in a similar situation I quit (it was my boss doing it - plus some delightful gaslighting which almost led to a complete breakdown).

What I WISH I had done is

Reported in writing to her boss, hr, md.

Raised an official grievance inc evidence from my Dr and cpn re the effect.

If they hadn't acted appropriately sued for constructive dismissal (I know this is rarely successful BUT I would at least have felt I'd done all I could)

In your case I'd also expect the company to ensure your safe route into work. Although I would recommend saying to her if her partner comes ANYWHERE near you police will be involved as you will (understandably) interpret that as threatening behaviour. Here in Scotland we luckily have laws regarding "causing fear and alarm"

So sorry you're going through this. Your company really should have dealt with this MUCH better from the beginning.

Graphista · 08/01/2018 01:04

actually I neglected the blindingly obvious advice - call acas!

Slanetylor · 08/01/2018 01:05

Any possibility of changing your hours so you start later? Would that help? Or schedule any meetings you need in the morning? I work with one of these people too but she talks to everyone the same so it's usually not on all one person. One woman at work can't deal with her at all and ends up calling in sick if scheduled to work beside her for too long. Saying " I can't talk now" isn't an option if you're not allowed get a word in. We operate the phone call system too and that partly works. She's senior to us so that makes it difficult. I hear your pain.

Hidingtonothing · 08/01/2018 01:06

I can never understand why employers put up with people like her, she's patently toxic to the business and their employees working environment. It's ludicrous that management are allowing her to hold them to ransom and even more ludicrous that the police haven't been called if her partner has threatened other staff members.

Unfortunately it sounds as though they won't take action unless someone forces them to by making a formal complaint and insisting they follow it through, only you can decide whether you're that person.

I hate bullies and that's basically what she is (as is her partner) but there's no denying it takes guts to stand up to them. You can't keep letting her make your life a misery though OP, I hope you can find a way to resolve it Flowers

Theshipsong · 08/01/2018 01:17

You poor thing. I worked with a woman like this. While she didn't 'target' people, she was a loose canon and would (while on her own at her desk) burst into tears or laugh hysterically for long periods on a daily basis. The managers left her to her own devices as they were terrified she would call in sick and blame them for causing stress. When she was not in, somebody else could cover her work in an hour yet while she was in, it took her seven hours.

I think the managers need to get involved. Laughing at your situation is unfair.

Allowing it to continue while you develop panic attacks is irresponsible. But to go down this route, you will have to formally complain to your manager and HR and being scared of her husband will mean you can't do this. But they should be made aware of it and offer you a solution and it is possible you aren't the only person to have been in this position with her.

Can your manager move one of you to another area? Tbh this is the only way I can see around the situation that won't' cause you further stress. I am sorry you are going through this.

TenancyTroublesAgain · 08/01/2018 05:37

This sounds like hell. You shouldn't be dealing with this. Your manager needs to sort this out ffs.

IdaDown · 08/01/2018 06:54

So your line manager / manager is aware. There’s a code word for you to use to facilitate help from colleagues and colleagues will watch out for her and give you a call to help.

Are these informal or formal procedures? Is HR involved?

I’d ask for a meeting with HR. If the formal help isn’t working, what are they going to offer? If it was informal, HR need to know what you’ve done to help yourself.

HR should know about the threats.

shakeyourcaboose · 08/01/2018 07:07

This is awful for you, are you keeping a diary of all of this and as pp a written record with manager/hr? I only say due to similar horrific colleague who did similar to me and others who went to union and complained SHE was being excluded and bullied and went off for 6months at full pay due to 'stress'!

Original poster
DaviesMum · 08/01/2018 07:27

For reasons that elude me I've not kept a diary, but now I will start to do so. I've slept terribly and had nightmares about spiders for some reason.

I'm scared that the pair of them will act together to target me, either because he will attack me or she will blackmail me somehow. She herself invades my personal space routinely and is very physical and it makes my skin crawl.

I need my job as I'm not in a position to move on and my savings were drained due to an unexpected event. However, I'll give ACAS a ring at my break because I know I will break.

This woman has said she likes me as we are the only two with professional qualifications - could she be trying to pressure me to quit out of jealousy?

OP posts:
ShiftyMcGifty · 08/01/2018 07:31

What do you think is going to happen when you raise a formal grievance? Is it the kind of place where you will find yourself labeled as the troublemaker and it will create an atmosphere until you quit?

For all those suggesting she reports it, she HAS if senior management is not only aware but finds it hillarious. Them being aware of it and failing to take any steps to stop it puts them in a bit of hot water.

WorldWideWanderer · 08/01/2018 07:32

If she follows you wherever you go, you need to be going to a senior manager's office each time and sitting yourself down there. Say, as she follows you, that you can't do your work for this interrruption and you want her to get on with hers, and that you're not leaving until she is busily working at her own tasks. Do it repeatedly. Management will have to do something in the end.

shakingmyhead1 · 08/01/2018 07:35

in the meantime maybe delevop a habit of holding your hand up in a stop motion and say calmly " i normally love to chat with you but at the moment i have SOOOOOOOO much work to do i will have to catch up with you later" and keep saying it everytime

RedialCallHold · 08/01/2018 07:38

I'm so sorry, she sounds awful. Have you tried telling her something like...

'I've been told to chat less in the office as work is suffering, I'm being watched so have to ask you to leave me alone so I don't get into trouble'

Very hush hush, like you're not the one who wants her to go but she has to leave you alone, not your choice etc...? Keep repeating, even start crying and wailing yourself drawing negative attention to her being near you might make her back off?

shakingmyhead1 · 08/01/2018 07:45

ohhh thats a good one redial

LannieDuck · 08/01/2018 07:56

I would do two things:

  1. Talk to her directly about it, politely and calmly. Explain that you need to be working during this time, but that you could catch up with her at breaktime (note - not lunch. Tell her you need your lunch hour to sit quietly to clear your head). And then calmly tell her "I'm sorry, I can't talk at the moment, I need to work." Repeat, if necessary at a slightly higher volume.
  1. Speak to your manager formally about the issue. Explain that you know senior management are aware, but you don't think they realise how serious it is. You were forced to speak to a doctor about the situation yesterday, and you expect your managers to take steps to ensure you're able to come to work without being harassed. If your direct manager doesn't want to deal with it, perhaps she could refer it to HR? Then follow-up in writing. They need to be dealing with it.
SoulStew · 08/01/2018 07:59

Move into the managers office.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 08/01/2018 08:08

Sounds horrific. You have to do something for your health

Hope Acas can help. They're a good first port of call

Can't believe how spineless your managers are. If they can't or won't bloody help I like the idea of sitting in their office. Can't believe they even think it's funny

Bowerbird5 · 08/01/2018 08:12

It sounds awful. Have you tried saying pointedly" haven't you got any work to do? I have loads." Sorry I need to get on. Sorry I need to get on.

She obviously has low self esteem if she keeps telling you how good she is.

Gazelda · 08/01/2018 08:13

I really hope ACAS give you useful advice and the strength to speak with HR. This is bullying and you are working in fear. Your HR department need to deal with this and you deserve to be able to work in peace, comfort and safety.