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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask colleague to do one?

104 replies

DaviesMum · 07/01/2018 20:40

I've worked with this person in a team of twenty for the past five years. For some reason, they make a beeline for me whenever they walk in the door, endlessly and breathlessly telling me how fantastic they are: customers think they are the best, how gorgeous they were told they look and just in general how bloody fantastic they are. The behaviour borders on almost stalker-level frenzy, and at least an hour of my day is wasted by this person plonking themselves down in an empty seat and talking AT me.

I've tried headphones, not making eye contact and dropping subtle hints about how busy I am, all to no avail. If I go to the toilet or to the tea prep, this person is physically racing to catch up with me and off we go again. Everyone makes a joke about it but it makes for 37.5 hours of hell a week. This person plays the ingenue very well, has many people convinced of their "fragility", but when it boils down to my mental state, I'm supposed to deal with this. My manager is afraid to act on my behalf because this person has made a number of allegations against the manager, even going so far as to get their partner to threaten my manager.

I suffered my first anxiety attack in 17 years and was seen by out of hours doctor in the early hours because I know this is what I face tomorrow. I desperately want to tell this person to fuck off - all I get is how wonderful they are and to STFU. If I do this I'm screwed, help MN!!!

OP posts:
Undercoverbanana · 08/01/2018 08:14

Take it to HR and be honest about your fear of the possible fallout. Perhaps they could get you transferred if they won't deal with the weirdo. Involve your Union for support.

LakieLady · 08/01/2018 08:18

Any employer has a duty to their staff to protect their mental, as well as their physical, health. It sounds as though their failure to address this is having an adverse effect on your mental health.

I'd email your manager, with a copy to their manager, asking them to take action because her conduct is seriously stressing you out. And join a union, so that you have access to advice if you need to take this further.

NewYearSunshine · 08/01/2018 08:21

Speak to hr, this is unacceptable!!! Are you in a union? If not consider joining one, although there I'd likely to be a qualifying time period before they can help with a historical / ongoing issue.

TheClacksAreDown · 08/01/2018 08:26

I would speak to management to make clear the impact on you and that you’re expecting their full support.

Assuming today is your first day back this is excellent timing - You’ve made a New Years resolution to really focus on your work. Unfortunately this means you’ll have little time for chit chat.

altiara · 08/01/2018 08:27

Go straight to HR.
Your manager is no support (for their own reasons) and that needs to be dealt with too.
As lakie says, your employer has a duty of care to protect you
Flowers good luck today

Sweetpea55 · 08/01/2018 08:34

She sounds like a nut case

OnTheRise · 08/01/2018 08:43

You can't continue like this. It's harassment, and you have a right to work in peace.

Report it to HR.

If your manager isn't helping, go to the manager above.

Next time she comes up to you tell her, "I don't have time to talk with you today." When she continues to talk at you, tell her to leave you alone. Be blunt. She's not scared of making you feel awkward: make her realise she's in the wrong.

I know it's hard but you have to be strong.

Graphista · 08/01/2018 10:32

I like worldwidewanderers idea - make it VERY clear to senior management how intrusive and disruptive it is by making it impact THEM directly

bunbunny · 08/01/2018 11:26

Could you get a kitchen timer - when she comes over say that you have a minute to tell me what you need to tell me, but I am very busy so when the ringer goes you need to have finished so I can work. It's not fair that I am having to stay late/work through lunch/not do everything I should/ because you are holding me up for so long each day. And then when the ringer goes - loudly - stand up and say right that's it, as we agreed, time for me to get back to work. Bye. And usher her away, then sit down. Make sure the ringer is loud (and warn your colleagues that they will have to put up with it to start with!) and do not turn it off until she leaves. Makes it difficult for her to talk through and you just have to keep repeating your minute is up, I need to work, time for you to do your own work. And as she keeps yabbering on, you can start asking her things like can you not hear the ringer? I need to work. Or I don't understand why you are still trying to talk to me when I have asked you to go because I am trying to do my work. Also provides an alarm system to colleagues who are getting disrupted to also ask her to leave you in peace so the alarm can go off so they too can work.

However my main option having done the above for a day or two - Every time she comes over to chat, get out your phone, put it on the desk and start to record your conversations, very obviously. Don't say anything about it, just do it, then say that you have work to do, if she does go then let her rabbit on a bit more, say that says lovely but now I need to do some work then carry on asking her to go /letting her talk until she finally goes, at which point very ostentatiously turn I'm off the recording. Then save and date and note the time taken. If she keeps asking why you are recording or says that you're not allowed to record her, just say that you are allowed to record at your desk, that you are protecting yourself because you are worried about getting all your work done.

If she doesn't like it - she can leave. If she carries on talking - do it for a week and then you have several hours worth of recordings of her harassing you and talking at you while you repeatedly ask her politely to leave you alone to work as you have work to do which you can take to senior managers and hr to ask them to help you deal with this person who is harassing you and stopping you from doing the work you are being paid to do in a timely manner.

Either way, hopefully she should soon stop!

CremeFresh · 08/01/2018 11:37

How are things today Op ?

ChalkItDown · 08/01/2018 11:41

Could you get your manager to ‘give YOU a warning’ about chatting so much?

That way you’d have an excuse, the manager wouldn’t have to directly face up to her and you’d be able to say ‘sorry, can’t talk, I’ll lose my job’, and if she keeps on, look a bit puzzled and distressed and say ‘do you WANT me to lose my job’ and let yourself burst into tears ( as you will probably want to anyway )

OnTheRise · 08/01/2018 12:26

Could you get your manager to ‘give YOU a warning’ about chatting so much?

Why should the OP have a warning, though? Surely this situation has snowballed because no one has dealt with it directly. Making things up to stop it isn't a very good solution. Telling the woman she's being inappropriate is the way to go.

gunsandbanjos · 08/01/2018 12:30

Fuck all the coping strategies and clever attempts to fend her off, management or HR should be dealing with this for you. This is horrendous!

ATeardropExplodes · 08/01/2018 12:36

OP what do you mean her partner will attack you?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 08/01/2018 13:19

Surely the boss could pass through the office and say, "Have you got nothing to do?" to the woman, if she's standing there talking all the time?

It is harassment, though. I agree with recording her, but I wouldn't let her see it. It might not be admissible in court, but as proof to HR that she talked at you for an hour and the only thing you said was "Please let me get on with my work" it should work.

RatherBeRiding · 08/01/2018 13:28

Forget ways of YOU dealing with her. It's gone way too far for way too long. Get HR involved. TELL (not ask) your manager to deal with the situation. That's his job. If he doesn't, escalate it up the management ladder but always keep HR informed.

This business of you being frightened her partner will threaten/attack you - that's a police matter straight away if you are approached outside of work in a hostile manner.

Time to stop pussy-footing around. If anything you need to raise a grievance about your manager not taking steps to allow you to get on with your work!

Howsthings1234 · 08/01/2018 14:02

Totally agree you need to go to HR - this sounds like it's got way out of hand and it is totally unacceptable that people (esp management) see it as a joke. They wouldn't be laughing if they were on the receiving end of this!!

I think you need to speak to HR today, you need to ask for a strategy to cope plus ask for a clear plan from them about what they intend to do about it.

I would stop trying to be polite to her. I would say 'not now I'm busy' with a hand up in the air style gesture and push the air towards her and turn away - like you might a child! Then don't engage or say anything else so she senses you are serious. She clearly doesn't do subtlety. Don't smile or engage in any eye contact.

As for her partner as someone else has said if he comes anywhere near you it's police.

Original poster
DaviesMum · 08/01/2018 15:18

He would physically attack me ATeardropExplodes. His view of her is severely distorted because she is good at manipulating people.

Today has been hell, yet again she's made multiple attempts to get to me but a colleague has been running interference. When I left the office and came back, she "accidentally" dropped her coffee over my desk - the minute she saw me she ran over and I held up my hand and firmly said "no".

She's out of the office and I can breathe now. I've spoken to Acas and they've told me to keep a diary over the next week or so - I'm also joining the union.

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 08/01/2018 15:21

I'm aghast at your managers for not dealing with this. It shouldn't be left to you and your colleagues to 'manage' this woman's behaviour.
I hope Acas can help.

ATeardropExplodes · 08/01/2018 15:28

He would physically attack me ATeardropExplodes. His view of her is severely distorted because she is good at manipulating people.

Then you would call the police surely? Why is this not being dealt with?

MiniCooperLover · 08/01/2018 16:43

Well done OP. What did she do when you said no?

HisBetterHalf · 08/01/2018 16:46

My manager is afraid to act on my behalf because this person has made a number of allegations against the manager, even going so far as to get their partner to threaten my manager.

Surely thats a disciplinary offence in itself

Willow2017 · 08/01/2018 16:55

It is absolutely not your place to develope 'coping strategies' its up to management to manage her properly. She is in the wrong not you. I wish to heck I had a job where I could stand and talk for an hour and a half and not have someone questions when the hell I planned to do some actual work!

When my ds2 was having panic attacks at the thought of going to school due to bullying CAHMS were involved and the first thing they said after I explained the situations was "We will not be teaching him coping strategies. We will be asking the school what they will be doing to stop the bullying and support him. It is not up to him to 'cope' with anything, its their job to see it stops and doesnt happen again."

Yours is the same situation, she is intimidating and bullying you in the guise of being friendly and its the managers job to deal with it no matter what they think.
Good luck with the diary and acas.

Original poster
DaviesMum · 08/01/2018 17:58

MiniCooperLover she was clearly not happy as she stormed off out of the room.

There are a few historical reasons for the company not acting on false allegations due to negative PR regarding how it handled similar complaints. It's led to a situation where certain people use it to their advantage.

I'm genuinely afraid of what the partner may do, but unless he does something to threaten me the police are not able to act (my brother is a copper). I'm often among the first to arrive in the morning as I commute in, and our building has no CCTV. His behaviour towards my manager went unreported because of pressure from senior management.

I'm in a really vulnerable place due to this and after today I just want out.

OP posts:
BashStreetKid · 08/01/2018 18:24

Goodness, if she's spent all day trying to get to you, and spends so much time telling you how wonderful she is, how does she ever get any work done? Doesn't the company keep tabs on productivity?