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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm U about grandparents, right?

58 replies

GoatCheeseTart · 07/01/2018 17:29

I have 2 small DC. My parents live in a different country. We don't see them that often - flights with the little ones are a bit of a hassle, the trip is too long to go over for just a weekend and of course we have limited holidays as we need to save them for when the childminder has hers, plus sickness etc - we have no other family around either.

Was just Skyping with parents and mentioned that if they want to come over here, those dates would be great as the childminder is off, and they could really help out, and of course spend time with DC. I was basically told that no thanks, they are not interested in doing any childcare, ever really. (To be fair, they're happy to play with the DC and give us an evening off when we are meeting up, so not like they don't have anything to do with the kids)

I get that they have no obligations, my kids - my problem etc. But am I totally U to be a little bit sad that they don't want to make much of an effort? They barely know the kids. And to put another spin on the matter, they have basically raised my niece, always spent tons of time with her - just got back from 2 weeks holiday with her..

AIBU? Feel free to hand me a grip.

OP posts:
reallybadidea · 07/01/2018 17:32

Most people will say that it's not up to your parents to do your childcare and that you're acting entitled etc etc. But I think YANBU, it would be nice if they did want to help you out rather than just getting all the fun bits.

Pickleypickles · 07/01/2018 17:34

YANBU for being upset by it. It is ultimayely there choice though as you know.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 07/01/2018 17:34

Yanbu to feel disappointed.
It doesn't sound like you're about to kick off at them or anything.

They don't have to do anything they don't want to do but it's a shame.

Maybe they feel more confident with your niece if they see her more but it's hard not to see it as them not treating both families equally.

I suppose it's best to appreciate what they are willing to offer but for now it's OK to feel however you feel.

thebear1 · 07/01/2018 17:34

You will no doubt be told you are being unreasonable to expect childcare. But actually I don't think you are unreasonable to feel up set that your parents don't want to give some help to you and spend time with your dc. I don't expect my parents to help but do feel sad that they don't.

cricketqueen · 07/01/2018 17:34

They have no obligation to look after your children. You pretty much told them that you only want them to come over on the dates where they can help you with childcare, you probably didn't mean it like that but it's sorta how it comes across.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 07/01/2018 17:38

@cricket’s said what I was wondering... Do you think they feel a bit summoned or put upon by the way the conversation went? Like, could you come on the days when you can help us with childcare instead of planning a nice visit where you all get to spend time together? Maybe they want to hang out with you too and not just be on duty while they’re over. I can understand that.

KarmaStar · 07/01/2018 17:42

Hi OP,
Is your niece older and they feel more comfortable with one older child?
Just trying to think of reasons to take the edge off....
Can see why this is hurtful.
You're nbu to want your parents equally involved with your dc.
But if you save your holiday for when your child minder is away,would you not be home anyway ?
Hope you manage to sort things out OP,🌻🌻

Original poster
GoatCheeseTart · 07/01/2018 17:46

cricket I see your point. Hmm, I don't think it was a summons, what I said that if they would like to come see us in the coming months then those dates would be good, really helpful and they could get to spend 1-on-1 quality time with the DC. Of course they are welcome when we ourselves are off too. It's not so much of the childcare, we can manage that ourselves - more that the DC don't seem to be that high on their list.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoatCheeseTart · 07/01/2018 17:47

Karma she is now, but they've spent a lot of time with her since she was a newborn, so I don't think that's it.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 07/01/2018 17:47

They don't want to do childcare then fair enough. How old are your dc in comparison to neice

lookingforthecorkscrew · 07/01/2018 17:48

I think your intention was good, but you worded it clumsily

Allthewaves · 07/01/2018 17:49

And two kids is different to one and as mil has told me when we had our youngest (5 year gap) she just didn't feel as able with ds1 5 years ago

nancy75 · 07/01/2018 17:51

Op I know how you feel & it is upsetting. My ils live in Australia, we met up with them last year on a European holiday. They hadn’t seen DD for 3 years ( apart from FaceTime) the whole time we were with them they never once thought to do anything just them & DD, even on the beach neither of them even got up to go in the water with her or for a walk - you would have thought they weren’t with us!
I ve given up trying with them, but it is horrible and it makes me like them much less

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 07/01/2018 17:52

Surely they would complain if they came over and the childminder had a hectic week planned for the dc though,? Op you won't win, leave it to them. You can't force them to be invested/interested in your dc.

RavenWings · 07/01/2018 17:56

Was just Skyping with parents and mentioned that if they want to come over here, those dates would be great as the childminder is off, and they could really help out, and of course spend time with DC.

It's probably clumsy wording, but to me the vibe from this is very much you wanting them to come over specifically to be your free childcare. I'd be a bit pissed if I was them too.

Having said that I would be sad that they seem so much more interested in your niece.

vwlphb · 07/01/2018 17:56

I often see people here saying that grandparents have no obligation to help out with their grandchildren, and I suppose that's true in a strict sense.

However I find it pretty much impossible to understand why a parent wouldn't want to help their own children and spend time with their grandkids if they had the chance to. I just totally don't get the idea that once your kids leave home you would happily dust your hands of ever doing anything for them again. If the parents are very old and infirm, okay, I can understand reluctance, but surely you wouldn't want them doing childcare under those circumstances anyway.

Do people who do this just stop caring about their kids or what? Do they not want to get to know their own grandchildren beyond being cute dollies to play with for an hour or two here and there? If I had the opportunity and ability, I'd happily help out a friend for a week with childcare, let alone one of my own children.

So I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel disappointed. If my parents acted this way towards me I would certainly feel that they didn't care much for me or my children. Particularly given what you've said about your niece.

ZoopDragon · 07/01/2018 18:04

I think it is a bit U to expect them to fit around your childminder's schedule. I may be wrong, but it comes across that you want them to visit to provide help, rather than because you want to spend time with them. I would feel a bit hurt in their shoes. I expect they want to spend time as a family- nice day trips, meals out together, catching up with their daughter and son in law. To be guests rather than babysitters.

I wouldn't expect my parents or inlaws to look after DC for a whole day. Unless they want to. Small children can be exhausting and tedious, especially when you don't know them very well.

Can you suggest they come at a time when you and DH are off work?

PoshPenny · 07/01/2018 18:10

I remember feeling very very sad when the penny dropped that my ILs were not prepared to put themselves out, ever, to help us out even in an emergency with the children. They were a 20 minute drive away, the same as my parents. So I share your disappointment OP. I suppose at least you won't have years of wasted Sunday afternoons ahead of you laying on afternoon tea for your parents and having your children on their best behaviour during those "state visits" if they live overseas Thanks

Original poster
GoatCheeseTart · 07/01/2018 18:10

to be clear, it's not so much of an issue that they don't want to help - between DH and I we can manage, no problem and yes DC are quite energetic. Would be no issue if they said that sure they will come but only if we're at home too. It was the fact that they didn't seem interested in either option, or alternative dates or anything.

It's not like nancys situation, they do play with them when we are together and are then doting grandparents. I guess I just want more.

OP posts:
Timeforachange68 · 07/01/2018 18:10

I think there's a difference between spending time with your grandkids & being in sole charge of them, my parents spent a lot of time with my children but were never our childcare option-my elderly father would not be capable of "caring" for young children & I would never expect him to

Viviennemary · 07/01/2018 18:13

I think they could do the odd day of childcare while they visited you. But I don't think you can expect as a right for them to do any more if they're not keen.

BarbarianMum · 07/01/2018 18:16

It may be precisely because they did so much childcare for your niece that they are not keen to assume that role with your children. And if they "basically raised" your niece then bear in mind that they are much older now.

Osolea · 07/01/2018 18:16

It does sound like you invited them to be childcare from what you've said, maybe it just didn't come across very well when you spoke to them. They'd probably rather come when they will get to spend time with you as well as your children anyway, instead of you being at work.

There could be lots of reasons why your niece has had more of their time, and there is only one of her so it's always going to be easier than two whatever the other reasons are. Try not to take it too personally on behalf of your children, I know it's easily done, but it won't be anything against them.

Original poster
GoatCheeseTart · 07/01/2018 18:19

Thank you for your comments, I think i might have over-reacted - there's of course a back story of a golden child sister, so maybe the difference in time they spent with niece and how much they've seen my kids was just very apparent at that moment.

I think when I talk to them next time I'll clarify that I would just like them to spend more time with DC, childcare not required?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/01/2018 18:22

Similar dynamic in DH family it really hurts that they just aren't interested in having a relationship with our DC but did with DNs - same ages, all lived locally, same school!!

It just hurts Thanks

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