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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm U about grandparents, right?

58 replies

GoatCheeseTart · 07/01/2018 17:29

I have 2 small DC. My parents live in a different country. We don't see them that often - flights with the little ones are a bit of a hassle, the trip is too long to go over for just a weekend and of course we have limited holidays as we need to save them for when the childminder has hers, plus sickness etc - we have no other family around either.

Was just Skyping with parents and mentioned that if they want to come over here, those dates would be great as the childminder is off, and they could really help out, and of course spend time with DC. I was basically told that no thanks, they are not interested in doing any childcare, ever really. (To be fair, they're happy to play with the DC and give us an evening off when we are meeting up, so not like they don't have anything to do with the kids)

I get that they have no obligations, my kids - my problem etc. But am I totally U to be a little bit sad that they don't want to make much of an effort? They barely know the kids. And to put another spin on the matter, they have basically raised my niece, always spent tons of time with her - just got back from 2 weeks holiday with her..

AIBU? Feel free to hand me a grip.

OP posts:

Lunde · 07/01/2018 18:25

Well clearly they are within their rights to refuse to help - but on the other hand they cannot complain if they don't see too much of you if they are not prepared to do 50% of the travelling

vwlphb · 07/01/2018 18:26

Small children can be exhausting and tedious

So can catering to house-guests, so I'm sure the OP's parents will understand if she can only find a couple of days during her holidays on which she can entertain them with days out and nice meals, because the rest of the time she's relaxing with her kids without the exhaustion and tedium of catering to visitors as well.

DonutCone · 07/01/2018 18:30

Did you move to another country or did they?

They might just feel like you moved away so they don't have much of a relationship with the children and you only seem interested in building it when you need free childcare.

shakeyourcaboose · 07/01/2018 18:30

Similar dynamic here and again DPs will travel hundreds of miles to undertake childcare weeks at a time for the golden ones DC, and will have them to stay weeks again in school hols, so I should of course understand how they are just so so busy....

Tiddlywinks63 · 07/01/2018 18:31

My parents weren't interested in my DCs but totally different story when my sisters' children came along.
My mother on hearing I was pregnant with dc1 told me not to expect any childcare from her, nor babysitting 😳
Apart from having dc1 for a night when I was an emergency admission for a missed late miscarriage she never had the DCs unless I was there too.
I guess it's their decision but I can commiserate op. Mine only lived 14 miles away!

LibertyHill · 07/01/2018 18:31

I'm on the fence with this one, I can see why you are feeling a bit hurt but there is a difference between DN being at their house and being asked to fly to another country for childcare. I know you thought you were just asking them to visit but at a time that suited you but it didn't come off that way sadly.

Maybe they think if they do it once that it will become a regular request?

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2018 18:41

I don’t think you’re being remotely unreasonable to be upset, OP.

My DPs would time their visits to help us, travelling up to coincide with times we needed childcare cover. They’d come other times too, and we’d visit them, but if we mentioned we’d need to cover the childminder in X date, they’d offer themselves to step in.

My MIL has also “practically raised” her DD’s DC and it is a very different dynamic with our DC in terms of help offered but also relative ages mean she’s not as able with littler ones as she once was. I’m not bothered so much as I would be if it was my own mother & sibling- that would be very hard.

KimmySchmidt1 · 07/01/2018 18:45

I think you're entitled to ask why they treat your niece differently, and what's changed. It does seem odd to treat different kids differently - were there circumstances (single parent, less money) that made it necessary for them to help out more?

Barbie222 · 07/01/2018 18:47

Maybe you worded it badly and they felt annoyed that you aren’t bothering to take time off work when they come?

prettypaws · 07/01/2018 18:51

I have a similar dynamic, other sibling golden child and grandparents spent a lot of time with them and rarely if ever want to see or help us. I feel sad about it all, especially as the others didn't need the help and I do for significant reasons. As a parent myself i find it very hard to understand, and hope i would never treat my DC the way they do.

You're not UR to be upset about it, it is hurtful and disappointing. If you think they would be reasonable and are possibly just not aware then you could tell them how you feel, but if it's from deeper issues then it would probably cause more problems then it'd solve.

Original poster

GoatCheeseTart · 07/01/2018 18:57

Kimmy yes, my circumstances are better than my sister's at the time when hers was small. But it's been the same with me and Dsis our entire life, parents always helped her more also in equal circumstances. She's just as capable as me, but parents always expected more from me for some reason.
That's why I'm probably over-sensitive as well as far as fair treatment of DC is concerned.

OP posts:

Thymeout · 07/01/2018 19:31

I love the way when it's DP or the GPs looking after children it's '1-1 Quality Time', but when it's the Mum doing the same, it's 'being left to cope with the kids on my own'.

When you're trying to fix dates for what you thought was going to be a holiday, and are then asked to come at a specific time to solve a childcare problem to save the parents taking time off work, meaning you will be a full-time child-minder, it's really a bit of an imposition and I'm not surprised your DPs reacted in the way they did.

Regarding your niece, it's much easier to look after a child in your own home when you can slot them into your daily routine. And even then I wouldn't think of it as a holiday.

vwlphb · 07/01/2018 19:53

I love the way when it's DP or the GPs looking after children it's '1-1 Quality Time', but when it's the Mum doing the same, it's 'being left to cope with the kids on my own'.

Who's saying that, exactly, @Thymeout? Or did you just make up an imaginary complaint for some reason?

Either way, there's rather a difference between being one person juggling cleaning, laundry, cooking, household management and childcare week in and week out, and two people spending a few days with their grandchildren once a year, isn't there.

DivisionBelle · 07/01/2018 21:23

Are your parents retired, or are they too juggling holiday?

If part of their holiday ration, well it is understandable that they don’t want to use it doing no -stop childcare while you are working and not available for fun outings.

If they are retired, well, my Mum would have leapt at a chance to spend as much time as possible with any of her grandchildren. So I understand why you feel sad.

Snowysky20009 · 07/01/2018 21:28

I would be hurt in your position. It would be nice to think that as grandparents they would want to help out and want to spend time with your children.

If I become a grandmother, I would like to think that I would cherish any opportunity to spend with my grandchildren. I don't have the best relationship with my parents (it's better with my dad than my mum) and I was very close to my mothers mum- she was more like a mother to me. So I hold grandparents in high regard, and I would hope that I am the 'nanny' that the children will want to come and see and spend the night! (Although not yet- I've told my boys they can tie a knot in it until their late twenties!!)

Cornishclio · 07/01/2018 21:34

YANBU. We look after our 2 year old granddaughter one day a week and relish it as I know only too well that as she gets older she will be wanting to go off with her friends rather than stay with grandparents. Your parents have the chance to get some one on one time, or two on two rather and have turned it down even though they don't see them often. We lived 200 miles away from my parents when my girls were small and they would have them stay up there over school holidays when they were older or come down here and sit them in school holidays. I can understand you being miffed.

Original poster

GoatCheeseTart · 07/01/2018 21:36

Division Parents don't have issues with holiday time.
Snowsky that's really the thing, there was no 'We'd love to come but sole charge is too much, can you be there too.' No 'Well those dates don't really work for us but let's see what else we could organise'. Just no. I'm worried they won't have any relationship with DC if they only see each other once per year. Yes I should make more of an effort too, but my holidays are limited and it's of course a lot easier for them to travel.

OP posts:

YellowMakesMeSmile · 07/01/2018 21:36

Maybe they feel put upon, they are expected to fly out at their cost tto do your childcare. I can see why it wouldn't appeal.

They can be lovely grandparents without having to do any childcare.

It also depends on who moved as well.

Oldbutstillgotit · 07/01/2018 21:41

I frequently see on MN that parents shouldn’t expect grandparents to undertake childcare etc etc . Up to a point I agree however, as a Granny, I cannot imagine not wanting to help my DD if required and what’s more I would want to.

Original poster

GoatCheeseTart · 07/01/2018 21:49

I moved. I normally pay for their tickets when they fly over, that's not an issue.

OP posts:

vwlphb · 07/01/2018 22:49

I’m interested in the way so many people seem to think that grandparents spending sole-charge time with their grandchildren is basically the same as them being zero-wage nursery workers.

I hope I never see spending time with my grandchildren (if I’m lucky enough to have them) that way. (Spoiler: I won’t.)

Thymeout · 07/01/2018 23:21

vwlphb

At 17.46 Op said, 'they could get to spend 1-on-1 quality time with the DC.' I've frequently seen the same phrase used in reference to DPs on other threads.

I have 5 gcs. I love them all dearly and did 2 days a week childcare for the eldest when she was a baby/toddler. My daughter didn't ask. I offered. I can't imagine either her or my dil inviting me for a visit and expecting me to fill a child-care gap. If you think it's hard work now, just wait until you're thirty plus years older.

And tbf to Op's parents, she says that they do babysit while they're here and play with the children. They just don't want to do it for whole working days. Which I think is fair enough.

vwlphb · 08/01/2018 01:07

@thymeout Yes, and where did the OP moan about 1-to-1 time with her kids as “being left to cope with them all day”? Oh yeah, she didn’t, that was just you having a dig. Maybe she actually enjoys spending time with her kids.

I have a week of 1-to-1 holiday time with my young kids coming up and I can’t wait (despite having young kids, I’m not a young mum either). Weirdly, my parents who are in their 70s also love spending time with them. They were desperate for ages to actually take my kids away for a few days of —free childcare— 1-to-1 time but I wanted to wait till they were out of the toddler stage. They also visit my sibling overseas a couple of times a year (at their own expense) and specifically time their visits for school holidays to reduce the childcare burden. So forgive me if I’ve been raised to see spending time with young family as a joy and not a chore. Barring ill health, which the OP’s parents don’t seem to be in, I honestly find it sad when people see kids, especially their own family, otherwise.

RestingGrinchFace · 08/01/2018 01:10

YANBU. My MIL often takes off for months at a time, makes comments that there is 'nothing for her in Britain' where we, including her grandchildren live. It's very sad and I just don't understand it. It's not like she has other grandchildren either. Just ours but she doesn't seem to love it hen the same way that other family members do.

tracymars · 08/01/2018 01:56

I think they are putting up boundaries because they are worried about history repeating itself so don't want you to rely on them as childcare. I don't know what happenned with your sister where they basically raised your niece. But there must have been a reason they looked after her so much. And they probably felt they had no choice. The will want to enjoy their grandkids and not have the responsibility of looking after them. I am an aunt and I don't have my own kids. When my nephew was young I helped look after him with my mum whilst his parents were at work. Whilst I love him dearly, it was bloody exhausting, and was grateful for the weeks we weren't needed. Now my DN are older we see them for visits. Our time is short and sweet and we play games with them whilst their parents do the parenting. Much more relaxing this way

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