I'm U about grandparents, right?

[GoatCheeseTart]

I have 2 small DC. My parents live in a different country. We don't see them that often - flights with the little ones are a bit of a hassle, the trip is too long to go over for just a weekend and of course we have limited holidays as we need to save them for when the childminder has hers, plus sickness etc - we have no other family around either.

Was just Skyping with parents and mentioned that if they want to come over here, those dates would be great as the childminder is off, and they could really help out, and of course spend time with DC. I was basically told that no thanks, they are not interested in doing any childcare, ever really. (To be fair, they're happy to play with the DC and give us an evening off when we are meeting up, so not like they don't have anything to do with the kids)

I get that they have no obligations, my kids - my problem etc. But am I totally U to be a little bit sad that they don't want to make much of an effort? They barely know the kids. And to put another spin on the matter, they have basically raised my niece, always spent tons of time with her - just got back from 2 weeks holiday with her..

AIBU? Feel free to hand me a grip.

If they are living abroad then they will want to come when they can see you as well, not just for childcare. My Dad and stepmum will always help out if I am stuck but do prefer going camping with us as they get to walk/ talk with kids and get to socialise with us as a family. My mum on the other hand has no relationship with kids and is only interested in seeing me on a few occasions.
Maybe take it as a compliment that they wish to see you and the grandkids, rather than just being used as childcare. As you said they are willing to look after them so you and your husband can go out. Dont compare how much time they spent with your niece, it will only hurt you and its not constructive. Good luck

I understand to some degree the feelings being a scapegoat myself, my mum has 6 grandkids but only really makes an effort with my sisters 3.

BUT not ONE person has considered how uncomfortable this could be for the children! I lived far from my mum until dd was 6 (for good reason) I then moved a bit nearer. Mum had only seen dd once or twice a year until then, no way would she have felt secure being left alone with who was effectively a stranger!

With dysfunctional families communications are often misinterpreted and feelings run high. Talk to them again about what would work for everyone.

In addition I don't know their age, but even if you're paying for their flights, if it's long haul (hell even if it isn't) air travel can be very tiring. I find it exhausting just doing short haul and I'm only 45!

Let things calm down a little then maybe rather than give suggestions ask for some?

In the context of how much childcare they've done for your niece I would definitely say Yanbu op, they've shown blatant favouritism.

However I've seen grandparents do this Alot with friends where the older sibling has really rinsed out their parents for childcare so when subsequent grandchildren come along they go over board in laying down boundaries and will virtually do nothing.

Maybe this is what is happening here, your sister has taken liberties with her expectations on your parents' time so they're making sure they don't set an expectation with you that they'll cover your childminder's holidays.

It's sad that this is the case, and not fair of course but you can understand their reasons if this is the case, particularly as you're a plane flight away, I don't know how old they are etc.

I think it sounds like a miscommunication. If I, as a grandparent, read what you wrote I would think it clear that you wanted child-minding whilst the child-minder was off. It is not at all clear that the child-minder is off and you are home and they would be spending time with you and the children. There is a HUGE difference in these scenarios and I would have replied no way based on what you wrote. I think if you make the situation clear to them, you will get a different response (hopefully).

I'm always wary of people making out they're doing me a favour, when actually it's the other way round. Op, you're asking them a massive favour. Looking after two small dcs, who hardly know them, for how many days? How many hours a day? Dressing it up as a golden opportunity for them to get to know the gcs better isn't going to fool anyone.

I think there's a generational thing going on here, too. I was a SAHM for three dcs ranging from 0 to 6. The thought of a week with your small dcs might be quality time if you work full-time, but if you've already done it 52 weeks a year with your own kids, like Ops mother?, it might not sound like such a treat.

I agree with pp. I think your sister might have queered your pitch. If they've been taken advantage of in the past by her, and are older and wiser now, they're doing the right thing in making their limitations clear now.

I try to be fair to all my gcs, but after 14 years of being a granny, the youngest, at 3, is getting a different form of interaction with me from what I was able to give to the oldest. More sedentary and sedate, less rushing around in the park lifting him off and on swings or negotiating the soft play centre.

YANBU. The most bloody helpful thing they could do for you all year and they don't want to put themselves out. Jesus, would it kill them to do that for their daughter? You're hardly asking much and if you can't ask your own parents.

I think they are a bit mean.

YANBU to ask and to feel how you do. TANBU to say no if they don't want to do it. It sucks but it's their choice. TBH almost all of the grandparents I know treat different sets of grandchildren differently in some way or another. It would be nice if they made more effort but a the end of the day it's their loss. Try not to let it bother you too much