AIBU to want to take my baby and go?

[Sands2017]

Okay. So I met my dp almost two years ago and fell madly in love. I had never met a more kind hearted, sweeter or gentle man and within six months I quit my job so that I could move in with him. It may seem rash but I knew I loved him more than I have ever loved any man (cheesy but true)and we are from two different counties so I intended to just find a job where he lived.
However I discovered I was pregnant within 3 months of moving there and suffered from hyperemesis for almost 12weeks which had me bed bound or in and out to hospital.
My dp was so supportive and kind throughout the pregnancy, he worked full time and came home to feed the dogs, clean the house and make us dinner (I could never ever eat but he would make it nonetheless)
Our beautiful baby was born healthy and strong four months ago and things have become extremely hard.
Apparently I am "the moodiest person he has ever met" and he never knows what to expect with me.
Before the baby we discussed getting married some day and possible future kids and now that has all gone out the window.
I am trying my hardest but I have ZERO support. I know no one in this town and have no friends or family here. I have asked family to come visit many times but they are always too busy with their own lives/ families. My partner knows I have no financial/emotional/ practical support from any source and he knows I am finding first time motherhood hard. I have always been a strong and independent person but for the first time ever I feel so isolated and lonely. He knows this as I have told him. He knows I am alone. He knows I am finding this hard. He knows I am always tired. He knows I am already doing my best.
He makes comments that make me feel like I am a bad mother or that I am lazy or inadequate when in fact I am just exhausted. He cleaned the house from top to bottom today (I know people will think lucky cow)but he is not the neat freak he portrays himself as - he is a control freak not a neat freak. He likes meals made in a particular way and the house to be tidied just so. He feels like he has to tell me again and again how to do things around the house as I forget.
I cannot believe this is my life now. It is boring and repetitive and unrewarding. I want so much to pack my bags and go - but go where??? My family are not an option I promise you. My dp knows this and personally I think he uses it against me because he thinks "she can threaten to leave all she likes but we both know she has absolutely nowhere to go".
I know I am a good mother - I am trying my best at least but his comments are getting to me. He "joked" recently about getting custody of our baby should we break up and I was shocked and horrified. Here I am thinking about weddings and he is secretly thinking about taking my baby!!!!
I have tried talking to him but he just gets angry and defensive. The bottom line is he holds all the cards and he knows it. He owns this home, I don't even own a car! He has family and friends around him, I only have a screaming baby around me.
He is a good person deep down but can I really settle for this? He said recently that we should stay together for the sake of our child but I don't know if I can.

How is he a good person?

He is an excellent father, brother, son and friend. He will help anyone in trouble and gets on well with everyone. He IS a good person, he has a good heart but he works full time and is a new parent also so he has a lot on his plate.

He has a lot on his plate!!!!

A good person wouldn't treat their intended wife and mother of their child like this.

If you really wanted to leave there are refuges and women's aid etc.

The baby is very new. Both of you are very stressed. Perhaps now is a good time to go to couples counselling together and also for you alone. A new baby is very hard work. Things will look differently when the baby turns a year old. Right now you're very vulnerable and you're feeling it. You can always leave but make sure it's what you really want and it comes from a place of strength. And you'd need a concrete plan. But this more sounds like typical new baby stress. Added on top is that you weren't on equal footing with your partner when you had the baby.

Errrm. No, he isn’t a good person. He sounds like a very manipulative person

Get yourself to some baby groups and make friends quick! If he makes that difficult for you that is a massive red flag and you should definitely worry. Right now you are already picking up some warning signs. It could be that it's new baby stress for both of you and things will improve but either way you need a real life support network. Good luck x

Thanks luffpotion, I think you are right. He is a very loving dad and I know he is doing his best but so am I, he never used to be unkind until the sleepless nights appeared so perhaps it is all baby related. 🙂

Thank you twillow. The problem is that I don't drive and there are no baby groups in this small town!!! Everyone knows everyone here. My dp has suggested making new friends and going back to work soon so he certainly is not the reason I am isolated. It is my fault and no one else's. I have to try harder I guess ☺️

Good and bad isn’t black and white and it isn’t a permanent state. People who were previously decent people do sometimes turn into selfish horrible aresholes and vice versa.

Sometimes bloody awful people have seemingly good points and sometimes good people have shit ones. The good you saw in him before may have been genuine and the reality of parenthood has made the bad points emerge. Or he may have been a manipulative arsehole all along, drawing you in and waiting till you are stuck to show his true colours.

In either scenario it is not in the best interest of you or your baby to stay in a relationship that is making you feel like this. If he is really a good person then it may be possible to work on things, with compromises and honesty from both sides. Even so it might still be in all of your interests to seperate. If he is not prepared to do that and family help is not an option there are charities and forums who can at least offer support and advice on your next step.

You are not alone xx

I agree with luffpotion, particularly as you have said things were good before. Do you think you could have some degree of PND as well? It's a really stressful time.

Have you got a Homestart you could access? Otherwise try talking to your Health Visitor as they are usually quite helpful suggesting ways to connect with other new mums.

Anyone who 'jokes' about taking custody of a baby away from its mother without good reason would cause me great concern.
Is the father on the birth certificate? Where do you stand legally? What country are you in? Does your little one have a passport?
I'd forget about marriage in your present state of mind..
You need to decide if you want to be Sahm living on his terms - which leaves you very vulnerable - or whether you want a job and some independence, making friends etc. Can you get a job where you are now?

If you really aren't happy, go home. You'll at least be in an environment you know, where you understand the legal system, can get a job, pick up with old friends and rebuild links with family. But your lo isn't only your baby, but his baby too. So you need to think how he can be part of baby's life once you are apart.
It's certainly going to take some planning.

Are you absolutely sure there are no groups in your town? I find that hard to believe op, honestly there will be something. A library may have a bookbug group, rhyme time etc. Go into your local drs and look on noticeboard etc, groups held in churches etc can sometimes be poorly advertised but they're there.

It sounds like you'd known him less than a year before you got pregnant, and even before then you must have had a long distance relationship to an extent if you were living in two different counties when you met?

Therefore you probably didn't know him all that well when you got pregnant and were still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship.

I think now he is showing his true colours. Having a baby puts a strain on the best of relationships but the stuff he is, saying to you sounds very manipulative.

It sounds like you do have family you're in touch with, I'd be more honest with them about how much you're struggling and that the relationship is not going well. They might then be more supportive and offer more help if things fall through.

Your DP may or may not be part of the problem. But what is definitely a problem is the vulnerable isolated situation you've gotten yourself into. You can't continue on how you are without a huge drop in your own well being. I'd focus on what your plan is to help yourself, get DP on board and go from there. He will likely find it a relief that you have some sort of plan.

If it were me I'd find a counsellor within a taxi ride and a mothers group within a taxi ride. When I had my first I didn't drive and lived rurally. It was a nightmare. Budget for the taxis so you at least get out twice a week. Chances are you'll meet some mums who will come to you. Book driving lessons. You need to be able to get around. You're entirely reliant on your DP and it's just not healthy. You can do this OP. It really does get easier/better.

find a refuge, get a place and go, they will help you will everything else, help with a new home, help with monies, help with a legal side you are never alone, you are never stuck there is always help, you just need to look and ask.... be safe, be happy and be free

This made me shiver, he's a cunt.

Make plans, save money, go. Any man who is behaving this way does so out of a need to control.

I bet he's super caring when you're ill and not able to function. I bet he makes little comments about how you won't ever cope without him.

Run.

Thank you for your responses guys. Maybe I do have some level of PND, I genuinely don't know. I went to my GP about six weeks ago but she said just to keep an eye on my mood and to check back in with her next month. I never went back as she knows my dp (like I said literally everyone knows everyone here) and she commented that I have a lovely supportive partner. That innocent remark made me feel like crap right there. His family have also made harmless remarks about other people only being dad's to their kids at weekends and how hard that must be.

He is a great dad and never loses his patience like i do and he adores our baby so I am not trying to take my lo from him, I would never ever stop him from seeing him and it absolutely breaks my heart to think of them apart but I just don't think I am as difficult and impossible as he is making me out to be. This morning he stormed around the house in a foul temper as he got very little sleep because of our baby (he got up in the night alone as agreed, normally we both do it or I do it alone) I know that made him cranky so I tried to avoid him but he kept calling me to help him with things. He was cursing and swearing about stupid small things and calling the house a cess-pit (yes the place is a mess but it's hard with a new baby)This went on for about an hour. Eventually he came into the kitchen and apologised and when I said nothing he snapped at me. I said "what do you want from me?"he replied "I want you to hug me and say it's okay, forgive me like I constantly forgive you, God knows I put up with you constantly being in a bad mood". That upset me a lot because I honestly am not always in a bad mood and I never act the way he did this morning no matter how tired I am!!!!

I genuinely believe that he thought i would do all the night shifts alone and never ever have a bad day. He wants some kind of stepford wife and that is why I am a constant disappointment to him.

as i said before RUN.......... you dont need him, your child doesnt need him, what he needs is HELP of a mh varitey

He's already isolated you from any forms of support. You've left your job, moved with him. He's a great showman, everybody loves him and he's sooo charming...

What country are you in?

Northern Ireland but I am from Dublin originally

can I really settle for this?

This is the one phrase that really stood out to me. If you have to ask, I feel the answer is probably 'no' and your gut instinct is correct.

Your 'D'P sounds toxic and controlling. He's making you doubt yourself and his language towards you is spiteful. I think there could be an element of coercive control. You've moved for him, he's isolated you, you're cornered and he knows he has all the power.

You're using phrases like 'my fault, I have to try harder, I'm a disappointment'. None of those are true, but he wants you to feel that way.

It’s not you, it’s him, he’s nasty. He’s controlling, manipulative and just horrible.

Do you have any friends in Dublin that could have you stay until you get sorted?

Snapping and being awful to you is not never losing his patience. You are with your baby constantly and he is there only when he’s home from work with you there too. Not getting stressed directly at the baby is not the indicator of a patient parent and being stressed by the constant pressure of 24 hour responsibility does not make you anything other than a normal parent who has constant responsibility.

It must be really hard being the newcomer in a community where your partner is viewed as a saint while you are really struggling.

One way or another though you need some mental support either to get through working on things or to get out. Whether it is from impartial professionals, other people who you can openly talk to or long distance friends who you can count on from before you moved away.

You are strong enough to realise that something needs to change. Be strong enough to make the change. You are worth more, your baby is worth more. You’ve got through pregnancy, birth and this long of being a mum with little support. You can do this. X