AIBU to want to take my baby and go?

[Sands2017]

Okay. So I met my dp almost two years ago and fell madly in love. I had never met a more kind hearted, sweeter or gentle man and within six months I quit my job so that I could move in with him. It may seem rash but I knew I loved him more than I have ever loved any man (cheesy but true)and we are from two different counties so I intended to just find a job where he lived.
However I discovered I was pregnant within 3 months of moving there and suffered from hyperemesis for almost 12weeks which had me bed bound or in and out to hospital.
My dp was so supportive and kind throughout the pregnancy, he worked full time and came home to feed the dogs, clean the house and make us dinner (I could never ever eat but he would make it nonetheless)
Our beautiful baby was born healthy and strong four months ago and things have become extremely hard.
Apparently I am "the moodiest person he has ever met" and he never knows what to expect with me.
Before the baby we discussed getting married some day and possible future kids and now that has all gone out the window.
I am trying my hardest but I have ZERO support. I know no one in this town and have no friends or family here. I have asked family to come visit many times but they are always too busy with their own lives/ families. My partner knows I have no financial/emotional/ practical support from any source and he knows I am finding first time motherhood hard. I have always been a strong and independent person but for the first time ever I feel so isolated and lonely. He knows this as I have told him. He knows I am alone. He knows I am finding this hard. He knows I am always tired. He knows I am already doing my best.
He makes comments that make me feel like I am a bad mother or that I am lazy or inadequate when in fact I am just exhausted. He cleaned the house from top to bottom today (I know people will think lucky cow)but he is not the neat freak he portrays himself as - he is a control freak not a neat freak. He likes meals made in a particular way and the house to be tidied just so. He feels like he has to tell me again and again how to do things around the house as I forget.
I cannot believe this is my life now. It is boring and repetitive and unrewarding. I want so much to pack my bags and go - but go where??? My family are not an option I promise you. My dp knows this and personally I think he uses it against me because he thinks "she can threaten to leave all she likes but we both know she has absolutely nowhere to go".
I know I am a good mother - I am trying my best at least but his comments are getting to me. He "joked" recently about getting custody of our baby should we break up and I was shocked and horrified. Here I am thinking about weddings and he is secretly thinking about taking my baby!!!!
I have tried talking to him but he just gets angry and defensive. The bottom line is he holds all the cards and he knows it. He owns this home, I don't even own a car! He has family and friends around him, I only have a screaming baby around me.
He is a good person deep down but can I really settle for this? He said recently that we should stay together for the sake of our child but I don't know if I can.

Sands he's treating you like shit, I'm sorry I can't offer any advice but you really need to take your baby and leave him, he's abusive, please take advise of others who know better where you live, you deserve so much better

No I genuinely don't have anyone at all that I can stay with. I asked a sister if I could stay a few days and she reluctantly agreed but when I explained that we were having problems and I would of course be bringing my baby with me she wasn't able to help.
My family have a very "you made your bed now lie in it" attitude and to be fair I am not a young girl and I chose to leave my home and my job and I do have to accept responsibility for getting myself into this situation.

Don't get me wrong when I please him and get things right there is no nicer man on earth but he just gets stressed by mess and disorder, that doesn't make him a monster. Yes he is controlling but I am far from perfect myself and when I put myself in his shoes I understand why he has a lot to worry about- after all 100% of the financial responsibility lies with him and he has a very demanding job and works extremely long hours so to come home to a mess with things done the wrong way and me sitting on the couch doing nothing must be extremely frustrating. (Of course he doesn't see that I have been feeding, cleaning, changing and playing with our gorgeous baby for 8 hours straight with absolutely zero company or support before I sit down on that couch).

I do think the main problem is my lack of independence mixed with new parent anxiety and stress. He is not a bad person. I am not a bad person. He is just very exact and particular, I am annoyingly relaxed and easy going. We are a bad mix right now I guess.
I think driving lessons and finding new friends is the way forward for me. Thank you for all your help guys.

Don't worry I will never let myself be abused and if I felt like I was being abused I would take my angel and go today-but I am strong enough to turn this around. I have to be!

If you could find a way out, how do you feel about the idea of going?

Tbh your situation doesn’t sound great and although it could get better, this man’s behaviour to you is ringing alarm bells for me. Maybe I’m doing him wrong, but I don’t think so I’m afraid.

Ah crossed posts with you :)

I think driving lessons are a great idea. Try netmums for local friends and meet ups, I’ve heard it’s really good for that.

Basically, you don’t have to make any major relationship decisions now, and staying whilst trying to change the pressures on you is a good idea. And if it doesn’t work you haven’t lost anything by trying for a while longer before deciding that.

Just don’t let yourself be beaten down and accept his really unpleasant behaviour. You deserve better.

Yes in an ideal world if I was still in my old job and had some kind of income I'd be much happier of course I would! Then he couldn't tell me to do things "his" way, I would tell him where to go! 😃
It would be a relief to have my own home because then all I would have to worry about was being the best parent I can be to my sweet precious baby. Unfortunately that isn't the world I live in though.

It may be his house but you are his partner and the mother of his child so while you live together it is your home. I am not saying leave if you don’t want to but if you are the only one making changes do you think you will be happy? He needs to compromise too and to treat you with the respect you deserve. If he can’t or won’t do that then you should definitely leave for the sake of your child if not your self. X

I actually disagree with alot of what has been said. it does sound to me like you have something baby related going on here op.
You seem very sensitive about everything and not just what your dp says to u but the gp as well.
the foul temper this morning ok is not on but it sounds to me like he is frustrated, tired and perhaps stressed.
I wonder what ur dp upbringing was like as all the people I know who r like this, myself included have some form of borderline abuse in their past when they didn't meet certain expectations ie ironing in a certain way, sweeping then mopping/vacuuming or perhaps a certain place for certain items etc.
it doesn't make him a control freak it's more a form of ocd
it is exhausting and sometimes infuriating having a partner who doesn't seem to pull their weight and appears to need to be shown everything like a small child ie not doing things "the right way" etc to the point you say "fuck it, I'll do it myself" but then cuss the fact u barely receive any help (yes it's exhausting having to do it a different way than ur used to) for example my hubby absolutely infuriates me the way he does the clothes (putting away or packing for a holiday) to the point I will do it myself and moan (not always in my head) about the extra work load, or why it is so complicated to remember which items of clothing cant go in the tumble dryer (printed, bras and anything from primark its really not that hard!!) just Thursday I snapped at him that I couldn't believe that at 40 he hadn't learnt the difference between clothes hangers after asking 4 times for a t-shirt hanger to be handed everything but.

personally, I would sit him down and ask in what way he feels you are always in a bad mood (when I had pts I didn't realise my mood was so bad but boy other people did), is there anything in particular stressing him out whether it's at home or perhaps work, is he worried about money, could he have a touch of the baby blues himself or is he just tired and hunger (men r Bashir crazy when tired and hungry).
perhaps councililing as pp suggested would help?
but despite what others have said please don't blame him for ur isolated situation as from what uve said urself that is not his doing
xx

Why would a forty year old man bother learning about different sorts ignored clothes hangers when it doesn’t fucking matter?

He’s not the o e with the problem, and OP is t the one with the problem either. It’s not ok to speak to someone like shit just because they aren’t meeting somenimaginary standard you’ve set yourself.

OP. Driving lessons. Childcare. Job. And if he’s still being a fucking prick, leave him.

mommytoboo86

How can your partner pull his weight if you are always criticising and undoing what he does?

Im from Northern Ireland. Most towns and even villages have some sort of toddler group. I know public transport however is terrible where i live. Most churches/chapels do a parents group tho very rarely advertised

Your baby is only going to create more ‘mess and chaos’ as they get older and learn to toddle/climb/crayon on walls/smear faeces on the carpet.

Op I think you have great insight into you differing personalities. You have very clear perspective on things. I think you may have a level of pnd added to the tiredness naturally caused by lack of sleep.

You are both tired out by the demands of work and caring fir a young baby. If he is pernickity over things in the house it is probably because a sense of order reassures him that things are not sliding out of control. Many people have real fears of losing control.

If I were you I would have a real heart to heart with him. Explain how you are feeling just now the tiredness and the isolation. Many years ago I felt like this. I made a decision to tell my dh one little household chore that I intended to do that day, as well as child care of course. I started off with really small chores that took a matter of minutes. I absolutely always did them. It gave me a sense of achievement and satisfaction and yes, gave me some control back. Also, my dh did the night time baby care on Friday and Saturday nights when he didn't have work the next morning.

I am sure things will improve greatly in the coming weeks and months. Go back to your gp or health visitor and talk to them. They absolutely will respect patient confidentiality so don't be afraid of opening up. Good luck op.

He is a good person deep down but can I really settle for this?

No he isn't a good person. I think the trouble is, you were in the throes of Limerence that you didn't get to know him properly and now you're seeing the real him. He keeps losing his shit with you OP, this ain't right. Do you know this? Him losing his shit with you shows Contempt. I feel that you aren't what he expected too. Such a shame. Limerence has got a lot to answer for tbh.

If I were you, I'd get myself back home with the baby before he undermines your self esteem anymore. I know you can't move home, home but you're an intelligent girl you can work out where you can move to. Just accept he isn't who you thought he was.

I genuinely believe that he thought i would do all the night shifts alone and never ever have a bad day. He wants some kind of stepford wife and that is why I am a constant disappointment to him.

If you two were each other's answer to loves young dream, why would you have chosen somebody who wanted a Stepford Wife?

"He certainly is not the reason I am isolated"

No of course not, he only made you move away from all of your family, give your job and then got you pregnant all in less then a year..

qvar lol it does matter actually because if u put a t-shirt on a hanger that has the pinch grips the u get bumps in the shoulders that do not come out without rewashing.
Also it may not matter to u but it does matter to some1 with ocd or has suffered physical or emotional castisment as a child for doing it wrong!
but then I guess it takes someone special like my dh to understand and love some1 who has these 'imaginary problems' (thanks for that btw u sound just like my incubator)

Also I didn't say my dh didn't pull his weight he does more than his fair share but why is it not ok for ppl to be frustrated over something they find annoying wen it's perfectly fine to talk about leaving some1 uve had a baby with for those frustrations when good communication and some sleep could very well see them back to loves young dream?

um confusedlittleone how did he get her pregnant? it takes 2 to tango, or force her to move and isolate herself?
unless u know the op and more is going on here than the op has said then that's a bit of a stretch...
of course if he forced her to give up her job, leave her family and then raped her getting her pregnant then I take back everything I said to her and would shout from the rooftops that she needs to run as fast as she can. However, op stated that he has suggested she gets out of the house and try to make friends so isolating her he is not!!

Mommy to be.... Thank you for your input. It is not helpful however to say that " good communication and some sleep could see us back to loves young dream", you are being dismissive and disrespectful and I didn't come on here for that. I am more than aware that I put myself into this situation and I never said that HE got me pregnant, we BOTH got me pregnant and for the record being pregnant was never my problem. I love my baby. I am a good mother. I am just having a very difficult time with my partner and came on here for genuine advice - not sympathy but also not someone dismissing my problems like they are not a big deal and I just need a nights sleep!!!

Also I never said we were loves young dream - I am a mature woman in my 30's who has had other relationships and by no means do I expect things to be perfect all the time. Of course I expected things to be up and down with a new baby but I just didn't expect any of THIS.

Thank you all for your kind advice, I do appreciate people taking the time to try and help, honestly I do.

I notice you refer to your DC as ‘my baby’ rather than ‘our baby’ quite often. Do you feel like you and the baby are one unit and your partner is another?

Ignore @mommytoboo86 they're an abuser justifying abuse.
Not everyone who encounters abuse goes on to abuse others. Some of us wouldn't dream of inflicting that on someone else.

Goodness, Northern Ireland cannot be such a massive shock to you, I thought you meant you were somewhere remote in Eastern Europe! You should be able to stop the house becoming a cesspit if you are at home all day with just one baby

Learn to drive asap. I moved to NI and tbh not driving would have made me even more lonely. Is it possible to get a cleaner if he struggles with the mess?

Could you not visit family for a wk - Dublin isn't that far by train. Any relationship gets hammered with a new baby - me and dh were foul to each other. You need to make friends. Does he have any family? I found mil and fil great company in early days of dc as in didn't know many people with being new.

And I'd be planning look for a job when babies older. If it hadn't been for my job I would have never made half the friends I have.

sands2017 my comments in my last post were in no way an attack on u or ur capabilities as a mother.
I meant sleep for both of u and wen I said good communication I meant firstly a good sit down and chat with it dp about things and how it's making u feel and possibly some couples councililing if u feel it might be helpful.
My comments on being forced to move and him getting u pregnant were in no way directed at u but a reply to some1 who had stated that he forced u into isolation and got u pregnant.
I apologise if u felt that this was dismissive it was not my intention
x

Bishopbrennan how dare u suggest that I am an abuser who justify's abuse!! I have never abused anyone in my fucking life and would never justify an abusers actions in fact I distinctly remember writing to the op in my very first post that what he did that morning was not fucking ok!
I myself am a survivor of both parental and spousal abuse and believe me if i thought for 1 minute that this man was abusing the op I would be the first to scream run for ur life (literally!) From what the op has written this is not abuse (annoyingly frustrating and probably makes her want to pull her hair out yes but not abuse)
I didn't say every1 who is abused goes on to abuse either so stop putting words in my mouth and deliberately misreading what I have written!
I would suggest you talk to some1 about seeing abuse everywhere as there seems to be some suppressed feelings of anger toward people who have not done a fucking thing to u!!