Personality type / definition curiosity

[Mrsfenchurch]

I was trying to describe my PIL to friend today and really struggled to not describe them in a way that sounded like I don't like them. I can, they are very kind people and my MIL especially appears to think I can do no wrong and more than anything they totally adores my DC.

Anyway, we spent several nights there over the Christmas period (we live 6 hours drive away). We do this a couple of times a year and after each time it really gets me thinking. Basically they manage to survive entirely on the smallest of small talk and focus entirely on immediate things hand. In the ten years my DH and I have been together they have asked about my job / houae / hobbies / holidays / plans / my family (past immediate hope your parents are well) less than you could count on both hands (combined. We spend considerable time with them and do talk yet they seem to have an inability to hold a conversation longer than a couple sentences into a topic. Meal time conversation lasts a minute of two and is over. one day this trip we went to a local national park and did a big hike (think halfway up peak of a UK mountain range) with two DC under 3. It was the kind of thing my parents were intrigued by, asked about how it went, how long it took, which route, weather, how long, etc etc - yet looking back now when we got home that night i don't think they asked anything about it (despite eating supper, doing bath time etc together). Likewise they didn't enquire what my parents bought DC for Christmas, or what we'd got each other. I can't say they are 'private' people as they do like a gossip. Likewise self absorbed doesn't seem right - thats too simple a definition.

One of the main flare points in our generally happy marriage is when my husband 'locks down' and won't talk about a problem - often it is something he seems unable to do - simply not able to articulate how he is feeling. Whilst I KNOW i overwhelm him with my thoughts, concerns, fears, plans, how I feel, how he makes me feel, etc etc. I come from a family of talkers who enquire about everything - my mum is the kind of person who would remember the life history of old school friends and so I know that a direct comparison are extremes. Anyway, what is the best way to describe this kind of person / family / communication style?

I would perhaps say reserved?

Hmmm reserved is not quite right either - they love a drink and socialise
in their own (small - think 3 couples) social circle (who they are also quite happy to gossip about) and FIL especially shares TMI about certain ares of their own lives.

Not particularly talkative? Quiet and unintrusive?

I think part of it is habitual overuse of certain phrases to fill gaps /respond in a conversation. For example, 'Yeah, it's one of them' used to describe (and effectively close down) any difficult to describe or vaguely tricky conversation. For example family member call to say they've caught chickenpox a And no it doesn't make any grammatical sense! Drives me potty!

My mil is a bit like this. I put it down to either rudeness or inability to hold conversations due to social anxiety or she just isn't interested.

madeye - yes I guess i do too - iT's not intentional rudeness, but I do find it rude. Though they and my DH would be horrified if I said that.. really trying to steer myself away from feeling a bit 'superior' too in that I can't help but think they're both (esp MIL) just lacking in any depth or interest in anything and should I accept perhaps its just a personality thing rather than education / social status.

ADHD. lot of it about.

ADHD?

Not great conversationalists.

Disinterested. My in laws are the same! Know nothing about me Whereas I know the minutae of every family member and holiday (it feels like) from the last 25 years... And yes I think it's bloody rude.

My mil is also pretty self absorbed I have to say!

To be honest it sounds like you come from very different families - both extreme in their way.

I would be suicidal if I had to spend an evening with someone who wanted to discuss the minutiae of my day or their day, or anyone who just keeps talking and talking. I like peace and quiet. Or a conversation about something meaningful.

It is possible that they genuinely aren't interested in your lives, which is really sad, but you say they happily talk about other people and enjoy gossip.......

I have known my MIL for 20 years. She comes to visit three times a year. (Lives far away). Conversation is very difficult. She never asks DH or me anything about our work, or how her grandchildren are doing at school,or anything about their hobbies or interests etc. It's mind-boggling. I've learned to accept it but my DH finds it really hurtful. We are always sure to ask her about any interests or meaningful things in her life. Death, illness and soap operas are the main things she likes to talk about!

I have to say, I wouldn't dream of asking you about the Christmas presents you got- what are you, 7? It's just not particularly interesting. And I wouldn't grill you about every detail of a day trip, and I'd probably be quite bored if you gave me a blow-by-blow account of it. It just sounds as though they don't feel the need to fill space with empty chatter, and you and your family do. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just different.

I think Troll is right and their simply not great conversationalists. From this thread (and as per my post) I know there are all types of people and what some see as normal others perceive as rude and vice versa. I’m used to it, and happy to accept it whilst I’m there, just interested in finding a way to define them.

*they’re

Oh my goodness you have just described my in-laws!!!

We spent Xmas with my family and new year with in-laws and not once bid my in-laws ask if we had a nice Xmas and what we did.

My family are quite chatty and we always ask about a day out or holiday etc but in- laws never ask anything.

Not once do they ask about how the children are doing at school, how work is going, what we have been doing etc,which to me is just general conversation and showing an interest in people.

They do however talk about their own lives and those of their other children.

It drives me to total distraction and I now can't be bothered to try and make conversation with them as it is so one sided!!

We had a very quiet new year

I don’t think it has anything to do with education level or anything like that. Frankly that’s an odd assumption to make and I think it reflects your underlying opinion of both your ILs and your own family. It’s just their personalities. There are lots of different kinds of people in the world, and if it took MN for you to realize that then you’ve led a very limited life.

Roth and Iamyour - great to know I’m not alone in feeling like this!!

My in laws are like this. They don't ever ask questions to open a conversation. They repeat the same few phrases about daily stuff. They find people who talk alot exhausting. They are nice people, sociable enough but just very limited conversation. I come from a family of huge talkers, but I've learned to curb it around them as they simply aren't interested in long winded chat! Different strokes etc

My DM doesn't ask about children etc - or rather, she does, but deosn't wait for an answer but tells me about her life instead. It took me a long time to realise, but I now understand it's because she listens to the radio all day, but doesn't have anyone to actually talk to, so when she sees me, she just wants to talk - she's already done enough listening for the day. She is actually interested in the children, so I email her every day with our news, which she appreciates, and will talk about what I've told her in an email.

It sounds like they have quite a small life, which they seem pretty happy with so good luck to them! My MIL talks incessantly about her friends from the surrounding area, and we’re supposed to remember all of them - within an hour she will have told me things about 30 different people ‘Oh you know Michael and Moira? Cindy and Pete? Pete B came over yesterday. Alex and Anne are divorcing...’

Meredinto - that’s interesting, yes I WhatsApp my mother in law with pictures & videos as well as anecdotes which she says she loves and appreciates and does share with her sisters - I think that’s the best and easiest form of communication given our differing styles!

Sureitsgrand- do we have the same in laws??

Lookingfor - yes that’s it! I think it’s really accurate to say they are just not conversationalists with a relatively small life. And just very happy with their lot.

Some people are perfectly content with small talk, it annoys the shit out of me but if they’re kind and happy it doesn’t harm anyone.