Personality type / definition curiosity

[Mrsfenchurch]

I was trying to describe my PIL to friend today and really struggled to not describe them in a way that sounded like I don't like them. I can, they are very kind people and my MIL especially appears to think I can do no wrong and more than anything they totally adores my DC.

Anyway, we spent several nights there over the Christmas period (we live 6 hours drive away). We do this a couple of times a year and after each time it really gets me thinking. Basically they manage to survive entirely on the smallest of small talk and focus entirely on immediate things hand. In the ten years my DH and I have been together they have asked about my job / houae / hobbies / holidays / plans / my family (past immediate hope your parents are well) less than you could count on both hands (combined. We spend considerable time with them and do talk yet they seem to have an inability to hold a conversation longer than a couple sentences into a topic. Meal time conversation lasts a minute of two and is over. one day this trip we went to a local national park and did a big hike (think halfway up peak of a UK mountain range) with two DC under 3. It was the kind of thing my parents were intrigued by, asked about how it went, how long it took, which route, weather, how long, etc etc - yet looking back now when we got home that night i don't think they asked anything about it (despite eating supper, doing bath time etc together). Likewise they didn't enquire what my parents bought DC for Christmas, or what we'd got each other. I can't say they are 'private' people as they do like a gossip. Likewise self absorbed doesn't seem right - thats too simple a definition.

One of the main flare points in our generally happy marriage is when my husband 'locks down' and won't talk about a problem - often it is something he seems unable to do - simply not able to articulate how he is feeling. Whilst I KNOW i overwhelm him with my thoughts, concerns, fears, plans, how I feel, how he makes me feel, etc etc. I come from a family of talkers who enquire about everything - my mum is the kind of person who would remember the life history of old school friends and so I know that a direct comparison are extremes. Anyway, what is the best way to describe this kind of person / family / communication style?

titalkyfrustrated - mussed your post. Yes sounds identical situation! I think acceptance of different folks fit different folks is key. I’ve found this post and replies really cathartic! Happy just to accept we’re different - I’m not expecting anyone to change and why should they. As I’ve said at the top I’m just looking for a good way to describe them

I know it takes all sorts to make the world go around but I still find it hard.

I dread it when my DH says he wants to see his parents and quite often he takes the kids on his own.

That probably makes me sound horrible and it's my own issues but I really struggle sitting in silence in people's houses.....it makes me want to stand up and do some amazing song and dance routine just to get a reaction....it probably wouldn't

Me too!!! @Totally

My ILs are like this too - at least in the way that they're not good at initiating conversations with questions. But they talk and talk and talk about utter shite. Dear God in heaven I've had some stultifying meals with them where FIL just bangs on about something that interests him, which almost certainly doesn't interest anyone else at the table. And MIL can bang on about real estate prices or the neighbours or the dog ad nauseum. But proper conversation, meaning a back and forth exchange of words and ideas? Nope. Utterly incapable. It's either a monologue or nothing.

Whereas my family at chatters and we always have wide-ranging conversations about anything and everything. Politics, travel, friends and family, current affairs, books, films, you name it we can chat about it. But we can also sit in companionable silence and read or watch TV.

People are very different, I guess. My family are sociable and chatty, my ILs are not, but I also suspect there may be autistic traits there, also with my stepdad, who is a horrible conversationalist and cannot 'do' chit chat at all. It has to be on a subject that interests him or he just walks off.

Sounds like a form of narcissism.

Oh God, some people like me.

I used to dutifully visit my in laws but since my fil died I find it stultifying. Mil is a lovely, kind woman but has the smallest life imaginable.

I like to chat, to debate. Any opinions she has come straight from the Daily Mail. Which I can debate, but she'll just close down. End of convo.

It is just an introverted/ extroverted thing I think.

Sadly I hardly have a relationship with her anymore.

YY to introvert thing. MIL is actually quite introverted and spends much of her life alone now, since FIL's death. Just her and her dog in her little town. I think when she sees us she feels pressure to talk, so she talks and talks, but I bet it exhausts her. She should learn to ask questions though, as then she wouldn't need to do all the talking

Narcissistic or just plain boring

My FIL is very much as you describe. He speaks in monologue, it's all about him / his health / recent trip / Dave from Cards (whom I supposed to know & care about despite never having met)/ where he is in the week with his washing etc etc.

If ever he does ask a question, my answer must be less than 10 words in response, otherwise he'll need to get in with something such as tending to the garden when I'm mid-flow (eg- FIL- "How's X doing at school?"...Me- "well, he had a tricky time with his Science tea.."- FIL-"you'll have to excuse me- I just remembered I've got to make a call!". He cannot absorb much outside of his own internal world and over time I've accepted this. I take a book with me whenever we go and make use of the long time spent in silence.

Yup different conversational styles! ... Also think it's a class issue.... What was normal in your environment....

Middle classes may well have been exposed to 'how to make conversation' tropes as they were growing up...

Also some people :

Are just not interested.
Are completely egocentric.
Just don't have the skills... They can't sustain back and forth talk.

Have ASD type behaviour.

I'm a natural talker... I also ask a lot (too many) questions... I just can't understand emotionally, why people go to parties and make no effort... Must be tortuous!!
I'll come away from a party and have a good idea about the people there..

Sounds like you have two extremes as families. How does your DH feel about having to describe everything in minutae to your family because that also sounds incredibly annoying.
If the in laws are happy to chat socially to their own friends then it just sounds like they are not particularly interested in you or the things that you do. Doing a trek for instance seems to be something that people are either evangelical about or think is boring as shit. I guess you just have to accept that you have nothing in common and talk will always be stilted. This is the situation with my mil to a certain extent however it's alot better since dd came along as we have her to natter about

Iamthedevilsavocado mentioned ASD and that's what I assumed reading your post.
When you say they like to gossip are they the ones doing the talking? And when they hear gossip they shut down the conversation with a pre practiced line because they don't know how to respond yet. My MIL has ASD and this is exactly her.

I think your relationship will continue to work well if your 6 hours away!

Lack of social skills?

I think the class thing is (unfortunately) true as well. I come from a solidly middle class home, and we were expected to be able to converse with everyone from a young age - not just our immediate family, but our parents' friends, elderly family members, etc. We had traditional sit-down Sunday lunches and you were expected to join in the conversation and not just talk about yourself. So learning to ask questions, to remember that Aunt had just got back from holiday, to ask about somebody's garden, or their dog or whatever, was part and parcel of my upbringing.

DH's family are from another country and would describe themselves as MC too, but their background is certainly very different from mine and let's just say that 'the art of conversation' was never, as far as I can tell, practiced at their dinner table.

@Juneau - Yes I think this is also a large part of it. My upbringing was very similar to yours and my PIL are more working class (I HATE using these terms) and more importantly they are are inverted snobs about a lot of things which drives me potty - assuming anyone with money has a silver spoon in their mouth / assuming they'd dislike certain things / holidays / people etc before even finding out. I find myself holding my tongue about this a lot or gently explaining that not everyone who has money comes from a wealthy family - perhaps they've worked very hard to get that career and subsequent big house / holiday etc

Mine too. Family meet ups are exhausting as we all sit in silence looking at each other.

So, half the thread find sitting in silence exhausting, the other half find the endless chatter exhausting.

If you like the people, you will tend to pay attention to what they say. If you don't like the people, whatever they say comes out as 'blah blah blah'

It's not about sitting in silence it's the total lack of interest that bothers me.

Even if you are an introvert how hard is to ask your own family if they had a nice time / day / holiday?

My MIL has zero interest in anyone beyond herself. If we keep our visits short she will have a few questions ready to go. " how's your dad?", but that's her bit done, she can't maintain any interest in my answer. So just the same as another poster's father in law, all answers had be extremely short. When I realised it wasn't rudeness, just how her ASD manifested itself it was somewhat easier to deal with.

Mine are extremely insular. It's not that they don't care, more that they wouldn't think to ask. I find it rude.

@pavlova - I know what you mean!

@meredintofpandiculation that is so interesting! My mum is the same - often wants to talk talk and not great at letting me speak, but she IS actually interested in me and like yours she is on her own all day with the radio. Good insight.

My ILs ask 'how are you/how's your DM & DF/how's work?'
I'm so open those get open answers answers and they respond with "that's nice" or "ah, right". I wonder if I should just respond "good, thanks". They're not closed people either though.

I'm sitting here wondering what else we really talk about and struggling! We'll talk about TV when we're watching, a few anecdotes or how others are doing. Only time it gets in depth is with politics which I now refuse to take part in as DH disagrees with FIL. I always get the feeling they don't like me because of how uninterested they are in continuing the conversation beyond a one line response back but see them interact the same with others a lot too.

My favourite is the repeated story. Do ye get this?
IL "I had a horrible experience with my phone provider. I rang them ...."
Me " oh you told me, thay sound terrible."
MIL "...last week and (insert 20 minute monologue word for word the same as shared previously".