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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to say no presents for 5 year old

87 replies

Mrsknackered · 05/01/2018 10:41

DS is 5 next weekend. Doing invites and was going to say 'no presents please', but AIBU? Is that a bit mean on him? He's not being punished or anything, I just don't want to put pressure on people to bring presents or feel guilty if they can't/don't attend for that reason.

OP posts:
HermioneAndMsJones · 05/01/2018 11:23

You are overthinking.
Stop looking at everyone situation through your own eyes. It’s not because you might struggle to buy a gift for b’day party from school that all the other children will do.
What most people do is to buy a cheap thing anyway.

There is no pressure as such (even if YOU will feel like that) because that’s what is expected. You are invited, you give the b’day child a small gift.

I think this is probably even more true if you know he isn’t gong to receive a lot anyway.

ChocolateButton15 · 05/01/2018 11:25

Is it a school party? It's a bit weird to say no presents. I normally spend £5-£10 on presents for school parties at this age and my lo likes taking a present. Seems a bit sad for him not to get presents from his friends at his party!

Gatehouse77 · 05/01/2018 11:26

I'd argue that the pressure is self imposed and not your problem.

Hopefully, people will but within their means and your son will enjoy them.
The only we time we altered our invites was when DS did paint balling and we said no presents but buy your own paintballs (after the initial amount we paid for). All were happy.

LockedOutOfMN · 05/01/2018 11:29

Inadither's idea sounds good:
I just put a note on the invitation to say no presents expected, we’d just like them to feel they can come.

I usually spend 6-7€ on birthday presents when our DC go to a party. Often, all of the children club together and get the child a bigger gift and in those cases it's always a 5€ contribution that's requested.

Cath2907 · 05/01/2018 11:30

YABU - I expect to buy a present for a kids party. On the few occasions I've been asked not to it has made me and DD uncomfortable. She wants to take a gift and I feel not taking one.. Let me buy and wrap something - please!

RatOnnaStick · 05/01/2018 11:31

Is that mean in him? Yes! Incredibly so. And also mean on the parents who will feel very uncomfortable at the thought of sending their child to a birthday party without a present. And terribly confusing for the invited children who all expect to give a gift.

Its in our culture that young children give and receive presents at birthday parties. Don't make your son the poor little odd one out.

HighwayDragon1 · 05/01/2018 11:31

I would assume that "no presents" was a stealth way of saying "cash please"

rcit · 05/01/2018 11:34

You are worried about the financial situation of others - that isn’t your concern, they handle their own finances, you really can’t interfere.

What you/GPs have got your ds is plenty anyway.

“No presents” could actually make the situation even worse. They might have some spare tat over from Christmas but if they can’t give that due to “no presents” they might feel obliged to give a £5 note.

BigBaboonBum · 05/01/2018 11:41

We had a no presents rule in our village for parties and it worked out well, more people attended parties as they didn’t forget to get gifts so make excuses not to come. I still remember turning up with big nerf guns and battle bug arenas to somebodies joint parties and being looked at like I had ten heads :/ But yeah it’s a bit weird, I’ve never heard of it anywhere else

lightcola · 05/01/2018 11:44

I’m the parent who takes a gift anyway.

Carbohol78 · 05/01/2018 11:44

I would read “no presents” as cash, which I would find a bit cheeky on a little kid’s invite

There are other ways that you personally can stop your environmental impact, let him have his day

Parents all hate plastic tat, but the look on their little faces when they get this glorious crap to rip into is just great (mysteriously much of it seems to vanish after a month 🤷🏼‍♀️Halo)

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/01/2018 11:47

Let him have his presents, I hope he has a magical birthday.🎂

Cbaanymore123 · 05/01/2018 11:49

Why are you not allowing him to have presents ? Confused

I would understand if you had no space or was getting to many gifts already.

Don't mention anything about presents if people bring them then fab if they don't then never mind.

user1471443504 · 05/01/2018 11:51

He's 5! poor thing! Buying a present for the birthday boy/girl is usually the norm and although not expected it's a bit mean to actively discourage people from buying him something.
If I saw no presents I would end up giving a voucher or some cash which I don't like doing. I enjoy buying presents and don't spend a fortune. I pick up nice board games or hot wheels cars and books etc from places like home bargains.

If he's not being inundated with presents from family, then friends presents will be nice. And if he gets too many you can always put some away once he's opened them so he can enjoy them staggered in the next few months.

ittakes2 · 05/01/2018 11:55

People give what they can afford - you can get great presents in the pound shop. I used to get my kids to make birthday cards for their friends . Cheaper and a lot more special.

imyourgirl · 05/01/2018 11:56

It's the trend to do that where I live. I did when ds was smaller but now he's four he'd have been sad and wondered why some friends get presents and some don't.

Interestingly, the people around here that are adamant they don't buy Christmas or birthday presents (or accept them) for their kids are all people that had quite a lot as they grew up. The poorer people, people that struggled or went without wouldn't dream of doing this.

It's become a bit of a status badge around here.

grannytomine · 05/01/2018 11:59

I think January birthdays are tough for kids, I have one child with a December birthday and 2 in January. Having birthdays close to Christmas is always difficult but in my experience the January ones lose out most, everyone is partied out, spent out and fed up of it all in January. Let him have his plastic tat. Wait till he's older and no one fancies going out for his birthday for the above reasons.

BishBoshBashBop · 05/01/2018 12:00

Maybe should add that his present from grandparents is the party, and as we are financially a bit shit ATM, I've got him a little hanging solar system and those little hatchimals and a torch, and he won't be getting anything more from us.

So he will get nothing to 'open' from GP little from you (but obviously with good reason) and you want to say no to anything else he may get. Hmm

DullAndOld · 05/01/2018 12:01

it would be really mean tbh

Knitella · 05/01/2018 12:03

Perhaps OP is worried that she won’t be able to match the gifts received when her son is invited to the other kids parties.

I’d let him enjoy any toys received. If he is invited to other parties don’t feel you have to spend much. My son is almost the same age and many of his favourite Xmas gifts were really inexpensive eg stickers and colouring pencils.

I hope he has a lovely birthday Smile

GoReylo · 05/01/2018 12:14

Do you have a problem with low self esteem? Your DS deserves to have his birthday celebrated as much as any other child. If people can't afford presents they won't bring one or will find some way around it. That's not your issue to think about.

Pollaidh · 05/01/2018 12:14

Don't do it. It does happen around here, but only with socially aware older kids (7+) who have made that decision themselves, and request that if people want to give they donate something to the food bank or women's aid instead. The guest children quite like buying a nice treat for the food bank instead. And that request usually only happens at large class parties where the number of presents would be crazy. I've never seen anyone say 'no presents' for a smaller party. It's unfair for you to make that decision and impose it on him.

I think "please don't feel obliged" is ok at a large party, and we always say that because as a kid I know someone who didn't go to parties because they couldn't afford a present, and it was so sad and unnecessary.

Bumbumtaloo · 05/01/2018 12:15

Sorry OP I also think you are being unreasonable. I agree at 5 it would be confusing for him.

My eldest DD’s birthday is the 28th December and for every party she has had we wouldn’t dream of saying no presents please. When our youngest DD had her last birthday party in April, we invited 6 of dd1’s friends and they very unexpectedly bought her presents!

Ski4130 · 05/01/2018 12:16

We asked for no presents for ds1 when he turned 2, as his birthday is in early January and we had his naming ceremony just before Christmas. He had a joint naming ceremony/birthday party type bash, and we asked people to make a donation to charity in his name, as with Christmas and birthday coming up, we felt he'd be a bit overwhelmed. It was actually really nice to see what people did with their donations, they did some lovely things in his name then gave us the cards and info about what they'd done, which are in his memory box. People still gave him presents, but we weren't upset by that, it was their choice, we just weren't overwhelmed with tons of crap that we had no room for :-) It might be wise to suggest that you don't want people to feel they have to buy him a gift, as opposed to a flat out 'no presents' as some people do like to re-gift after Christmas (the joys of a January birthday, my eldest has had some stink re-gifted gifts over the years!) and some people love buying gifts for children, so you can't really dictate that they absolutely can't.

Mind you, I'm the arsehole mum who once gave out a wrapped muffin with a card saying we'd donated to a local charity instead of doing party bags at his 4th birthday party too, and I'm not sorry, and don't feel mean.

With 3 dc, we used to feel like we had tat overload sometimes, so if you can manage it, then why not?! As they've got older they prefer money/vouchers anyway, to put something bigger than they're saving for, and it's normal for our older children's friends to get a £10/£5 in a card and a box of Maltesers/sweets. So much easier and less stressful.

Quartz2208 · 05/01/2018 12:18

you are overthinking it and to be honest a statement like that is likely to increase not decrease pressure.

People expect to bring presents to a party - let them decide how much they are willing to spend.

One of DS threw a party in the park and as such said no need for presents (I think because she felt other than the food and ocinic blankets she was not providing anything) and pretty much everyone brought a present (I went to The Works and bought a book and a colouring book) because I wanted (and DS wanted) to bring a present to the party