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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make nephews sleep in same room as their parents?

81 replies

iwant2know · 04/01/2018 16:48

Over Christmas my dsis, her DH and two dnephews stayed with us for two nights. Dsis and DH in one room. 7 and 9 year old DNs in another room. Both rooms have double sized divan beds with storage drawers.

After they left I noticed that one of the drawers of the divan in the boys room was broken. The bottom of the drawer has been cracked and the side panel had been popped out of place. When the boys were in the room there was no need for them to be in any of the drawers.

I asked you Dsis if she had noticed a broken drawer. She said she had and she had pushed it back in place even though it wouldn't go in properly.

The drawer is now broken. It is stuck at an angle so you can't use it. It's obvious that something has happened to it so I asked Dsis if the boys were playing with it. She initially said no. However later on she texted me to say yes the boys were playing in the drawer and may have damaged it.

I texted back I wish that they had said something rather than pushing the drawer back in because we probably could have fixed it before she did that.

Dsis texted back well it's only a drawer. It's not that important. I responded saying fair enough it just means the boys will be sleeping in with you if you stay over again.

Fast forward to today Dsis has call to ask if they can all stay over next Saturday because they're going to a tournament in our town. I said well as long as you're ok with sleeping in with the boys then that's fine. She said she wouldn't be there's two rooms. I reminded her that the boys damaged the bed last time and can't be trusted to sleep in the room alone so they'll need to be in with their parents. Dsis thinks I'm being unreasonable and will now have to pay for a hotel even though in a hotel they'd be sharing the room.

I'm sure Dsis will be on to our DM soon complaining about how selfish I'm being. So aibu to say they all have to share?

OP posts:
milliemolliemou · 04/01/2018 17:43

The main problem as I see it is OP's DSis didn't fess up immediately to the damage and tried to hide it by pushing the drawer back. I think shunting her and her family into one room is a bit drastic but having a word about repairs might not be.

itshappening · 04/01/2018 17:47

Depending on how the relationship is, I think you are being a bit harsh. Things do get broken, and though your dsis definitely should have taken it seriously and offered to replace it, I wouldn't want to fall out over it. Unless their is an enormous backstory. Mind you equally if I was her I would have responded differently and said ok, we will all bunk in together, or offered replacement.

It may have happened during the day rather than at night anyway. If you are concerned about something like that happening at night and they don't want to share, why not have one parent and one child per room.

Pemba · 04/01/2018 17:49

Since it seems the word sorry didn't even cross her lips, YANBU at all.

She should have apologised and arranged to repair the damage for you, instead it seems she has an attitude problem.

Original poster
iwant2know · 04/01/2018 17:51

I get on ok with Dsis. She has only moved back to Scotland last year so we never used to see each other.

I'm just annoyed with both her and her DH. Apparently DN 9 put the younger DN in the drawer and closed it. DN 7 then kicked his way out. There was no need for them to play in a drawer in the first place.

I'm more annoyed Dsis and her DH didn't say anything about it and tried to hide it. Neither of them have offered to replace the drawer. But that's ok because it's only my stuff so it's not important. Dsis has always been more interested in her stuff and never gave a shit about mine. Growing up she would take my stuff without asking then loose it and pretend she hadn't. Obviously she hasn't changed.

Maybe I'm being unreasonable. I could tell her she needs to pay for the drawer to be replaced and has to make sure DNs don't damage anything else and if they do, she needs to replace whatever it is and get a hotel next time.

I suppose I should be grateful it was only a drawer not anything else.

OP posts:
Hissy · 04/01/2018 17:53

Leave her to her hotel, they’ll charge her if she damages anything and if your DM is so bothered she can host or pay you for the damage caused.

Don’t back down

AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/01/2018 17:53

The kids broke the drawer, shit happens. As parents of the children you FIX things they break or you replace them, you DON’T hide the broken thing & you DON’T tell the person who it belongs to that it doesn’t matter. Until she learns some common decency, NO, she can’t use you as a bloody hotel. Cheeky cow.

mimibunz · 04/01/2018 17:55

Honestly, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, especially if you and DSis are close. For me, it would be one of those 'in the overall scheme of things', but I understand everyone is different. Just doesn't seem worth falling out over it, if that is where you're headed. Best wishes!

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/01/2018 17:56

Well at least them going to a hotel puts a full stop on them saying with you. The kids I could forgive as long as they understood how unacceptable their behaviour was and damage was made good, but DSis and BIL clearly dont respect your home or belongings so I wouldnt have them back to stay.

LookingForwardToChristmas · 04/01/2018 17:57

I think your sister IBU to not be paying to repair or replace the drawer, or at least offering. I think I would have told them one adult and one child in each room as they can’t be trusted. However, it is your house so YANBU.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/01/2018 18:00

After your update, well done for sticking up for yourself. I figured there was more to it than just the one incident. Dh and I are now nc with my brother and his wife. I let them trample over me - and us - for far too long because my dd only has one cousin, their dc.

Jux · 04/01/2018 18:01

Let her stay on the hotel. There’s no reason why she can’t share with her sons at your place but given her attitude and history I wouldn’t risk it.

Let her know how much the replacement drawer costs, though. It doesn’t sound like she’d pay and if you pushed it it might provoke a feud. Depends whether you’re OK with that or not.

She sounds v selfish and careless, and you may end up in NC territory anyway eventually.

jelliebelly · 04/01/2018 18:02

How often have they stayed before without incident? This all seems a bit OTT - kids do sometimes break stuff - and it is only a draw in an unused room BUT dsis should offer to fix/replace.

RhiannonOHara · 04/01/2018 18:03

Maybe I'm being unreasonable.

No you're not.

I could tell her she needs to pay for the drawer to be replaced and has to make sure DNs don't damage anything else

Yes, do! Otherwise she'll just keep taking the piss.

GoReylo · 04/01/2018 18:07

forcing four people to share one room when you have two seems a bit petty to me

But she's not forcing them. They can stay in a hotel or maybe even just go home after the tournament.

welshgirlwannabe · 04/01/2018 18:11

Yanbu OP. Your sister clearly has no respect for you, your divan bed, or your drawers. You need to send her the bill for a new unit, ask for proof that she is willing to attend parenting classes, and tell your mum. If she can't respect your boundaries you'll have to go NC.

Grin I can't imagine having that kind of relationship with any of my sisters, even the one I don't get on with particularly well! Even if you don't like your sister surely you love your nephew. Be an indulgent auntie and let it go. It will feel better than the path you're on.

Oldraver · 04/01/2018 18:12

I would be bloody mortified if my child had broken someones furniture by being bratty. I certainly would of offered to fix it not whine "it's only a drawer".

Disrepectful of your Dsis really

Ruffian · 04/01/2018 18:17

ask for proof that she is willing to attend parenting classes Eh?? come off it!

They might have to share a room in a hotel but presumably not all sharing one double bed so it's not the same. Probably best if they do stay in a hotel anyway as the atmosphere isn't going to be great is it?

You're not U to be annoyed about her not attitude but you are making a big deal out of quite a little thing

MorrisZapp · 04/01/2018 18:25

In the history of everything ever, has anybody ever accepted cash from someone in their family or friends as payment for goods damaged by children?

I mean, beyond an apology, is actual cash expected?

KateAdiesEarrings · 04/01/2018 18:28

Do you have DCs? DCs can break things and get carried away. It's how the parents deal with it that matters. If you don't trust your DSIS' judgement then don't have them at all.
But tbh I think YABU about it. You're decreeing a punishment by making them share a room. I can't think of anything less hospitable.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/01/2018 18:49

Ah right, that's the dynamic, is it?

Ok, then you've done the right thing and I suggest you stick to it. Let her pay for her hotel. If there's ANY comment you roar with laughter and say something like 'I know!! Would have actually been cheaper to show a bit of respect for my home and pay for the drawer eh?'

And then next time - staying isn't convenient. She has a go - you just say, look, we're not teenagers any more, I was really fucked off with your attitude when your kids broke my furniture - you seem to think it's still fine to use and abuse my things and treat me like the little sis - well it isn't. If you want us to get on now you're closer - show some respect. Nothing fancy - you know, just the normal way you'd treat another adult whose home you're staying in.

Original poster
iwant2know · 04/01/2018 18:52

It seems you are pretty split. If she had mentioned it at the time I wouldn't dream of asking for money to replace it. It's her reverting back to type, damaging (allowing it to be damaged) my stuff then lying about it/not telling me about it then dismissing it because my stuff doesn't matter.

I have 2 DSS's and if they broke something DH and I would admit it, apologize and offer to replace. Like most folk would.

I've tried to call my dsis but she didn't answer so I've texted we need to talk.

I think I need to explain to her why I was so annoyed it's not about the drawer really. It's about what it's always been about her not respecting me or my stuff. I don't even expect her to pay for anything, just she should acknowledge that she should have essentially owned up to it rather than dismissing it.

I do love my DNs and it's great to have them back home so now I can see them more often. I just need to in the future make sure there's nothing important around them that could get damaged.

I'll offer to have them stay on the proviso that she and her DH makes sure they don't damage anything else.

OP posts:
Witchend · 04/01/2018 18:57

Did she know they'd broken it at the time.
Because it reads to me that she thought they'd pulled an already broken drawer out, so she pushed it back assuming you knew.
After you asked about it, she asked them and they confessed to breaking it.

Yes, she should have offered to pay for it, but I don't think it was damaged deliberately either by them or her.

Seriouslyjuicy · 04/01/2018 19:00

I do love my DNs and it's great to have them back home so now I can see them more often. I just need to in the future make sure there's nothing important around them that could get damaged

i'll offer to have them stay on the proviso that she and her DH makes sure they don't damage anything else

Honestly, you are going to talk like that to your sister? I think you risk a fall-out. Over a drawer....is it worth it?

If my sister told me i could stay on the proviso, i made sure my kids dont break anything, id tell her to stick it up her arse.

KateAdiesEarrings · 04/01/2018 19:02

It's good that you recognise this is about the childhood dynamic between you but I think you should have that conversation separate to the one about the drawer and whether they can stay. Focus on the core issue.

As for your proviso, realistically no parent can guarantee their child won't damage anything so what does your proviso really mean?

I'm a complete helicopter parent and my DC hasn't damaged anything since an unfortunate game with a salt cellar when they were a toddler. However if someone told me I had to 'make sure' my DC didn't damage anything then I'd assume I wasn't welcome in their home. If she isn't welcome then just tell her that. You don't need to invent some moral high ground to do so.

welshgirlwannabe · 04/01/2018 19:03

Sounds like a wise decision OP. Sister relationships can be tricky can't they as it dredges up all kind of childhood stuff. Sounds like you're doing right to focus on future damage mitigation and tell her what's really going on. Hope she hears you!