Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About parents' visits

58 replies

Rottenholiday · 04/01/2018 11:39

I would like the advice of MNers about my parents visits, following another (disastrous) visit over Christmas. (This may be long and windy) Basically my parents just assume that they can come at every school holiday and it's getting very wearing. I have three dcs aged 8,14
and 17 so this has been going on a long time.
I live about 6 hours drive from my dps while my db lives about 5 hours from them. He has two dcs, aged 4 and 8. He never invites them for a long stay and they will only visit him for a night or two on the way back or forth from my house. However almost every school holiday, they will just assume they are coming down to me and I get told. For the Xmas holidays, I was TOLD they were coming on the 18th and leaving on the 30th. This was before the dcs had even broken up for Xmas and I really wanted a couple of days to get the house straight and get last minute bits, but no. I also would have like a couple of days to do some Christmas things but that wasn't possible. Previous to this visit, they'd come for the first week of the summer holidays, one week of the Easter holidays and February half term.
We have a 4 bedroom house but I now have two strapping teenage boys and when everyone is at home during holidays, it's very squashed. (Db also has a 4 bedroom house and has two dcs but his is apparently too small to have them). I'm also basically cooking every day for six adults. Added to that, my dm is in poor health and can't go anywhere so I can't take the kids (or rather the youngest dc) on days out as I'd be leaving my dps sitting on their own all day. Added to this that my dps are getting old and grumpy and it doesn't make for a lovely atmosphere.

I understand I need to accommodate my parents but AIBU that I should say when their visits are, not be dictated to? I really would rather they came during term time. We've wasted the last few half terms sitting around the house as dm can't go anywhere. I tried to be proactive last year by inviting them for Mother's Day weekend. Df said 'no we'd rather come during the kids' school holidays.' Dh said at this point I should have said 'that's not convenient' but I feel I'm being rude and selfish doing that. Dh is now saying he wants to go abroad next Xmas as he's fed up always hosting my parents when my db has never invited them.
(Incidentally dh is able to handle his own dps by using his work schedule as an excuse so he makes sure they come when it suits us)
I'm torn because I understand they're old and it's my fault for moving away. However I also feel holidays, which are a time to relax and spend quality time with the dcs, are being spoiled for dh and me. How do I handle my dps?

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 04/01/2018 14:02

You need to just breezily say it doesn't suit. It's not easy though!

thethoughtfox · 04/01/2018 14:03

You don't have to make excuses to them - or us here! You want time to relax with your family. You don't have to accommodate them.

RedPanda2 · 04/01/2018 14:09

I don't know how you've put up with it for this long! I think your DH is right, go on holiday next Xmas.
I hate how it feels we have to make excuses but you are perfectly within your rights to say 'It's not convenient' and offer no excuse.
You need family time and it's unreasonable for them to expect you to cook/entertain them for nearly two weeks.

Original poster
Rottenholiday · 04/01/2018 14:22

The trouble is when I try to be proactive, it never works. My ds's birthday is about a fortnight before half term so two years ago, I suggested they come down for that weekend, therefore avoiding them staying in the half term. My dh was going to be away and ds asked if his gps could come. I told my df this and he said 'no we'd rather come during the half term.' Looking back, I really should have stood my ground then. I think I'm going to have to be a bit more blunt as I really feel they've taken the piss out of me this Xmas. They stopped at my db's for two nights then came to me on the 18th as SIL 'needed time to get ready for Xmas as her parents do bugger all to help.' Dh was furious when he heard that.

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 04/01/2018 14:25

I think you need to be straight with them. There's no use making an excuse for the next holiday, as even if they stay away they will presume that it will be 'business as usual' next time. I don't think you need to accommodate your parents at all - it's lovely of you to want to, but clearly no--one is currently enjoying it! Yes they are getting old, but it's not your fault you moved away! They can still come but I don't see why anyone would stay for as long as they do. Yes you could go away next year, but are you going to go away every year? My DP's visit my DSis every other year: her house is small but they all manage - your DB clearly doesn't want them there and to be fair you have made it easy for him by allowing them to come to you all the time. Tell them every other Christmas for a week only. I think you need to reclaim your holiday time for your family. Your DH was right in saying that you should have stuck to your guns: I'm not sure why what your parents want supersedes what you and your DH want. You are not being rude or selfish - you are still inviting them but at times that are more suitable for you. Your younger DC are missing out on activities because you can't face having the conversation with your DP. It's not going to get any better, is it?

Cath2907 · 04/01/2018 14:30

I told my df this and he said 'no we'd rather come during the half term.'

To the above you need to say "I'm sorry but we've booked to go away for half term, however we'd love to see you over the weekend we suggested."

If you don't want to go away just cancel the mythical booking. If they ask to come along say you are sorry but it is going to be a very active holiday and not really suitable.

TooManyPaws · 04/01/2018 14:31

They stopped at my db's for two nights then came to me on the 18th as SIL 'needed time to get ready for Xmas as her parents do bugger all to help.'

I'd have been tempted to reply "neither do mine"!

peppapigwouldmakelovelyrashers · 04/01/2018 14:32

I also would have like a couple of days to do some Christmas things but that wasn't possible

Of course it was possible, with a simple "No, that does not suit us. You can come on X date til y date". You didn't do that.

Andylion · 04/01/2018 14:32

My dh was going to be away and ds asked if his gps could come. I told my df this and he said 'no we'd rather come during the half term.' Looking back, I really should have stood my ground then.

OP, would it have been so difficult to say "Dad, that's not going to work"?
You are concerned about being rude and selfish but, I think you must realize, that it is your parents who are being selfish.

Why do they need to come during school holidays? Are they teachers?

YouTheCat · 04/01/2018 14:34

Tell them you've all become naturists?

The only way to deal with this is to be straight and say no.

GreenTulips · 04/01/2018 14:36

Yep! Foot down time

The answer is 'sorry we won't be about in the holidays, this weekend is better for everyone'

If they say No to the weekend, then you say 'ok well that's a shame, because the holiday date, won't work this year' Well arrange another time later in the year'

Original poster
Rottenholiday · 04/01/2018 14:44

I think something along those lines will have to be said *GreenTulips.'

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 04/01/2018 14:47

my dm is in poor health and can't go anywhere so I can't take the kids (or rather the youngest dc) on days out as I'd be leaving my dps sitting on their own all day.

Seriously? You're depriving your DC so you can pander to two selfish adults?

If they're going to stay for so long, they shouldn't be treated as honoured guests but as family, who sometimes have to sit on their own.

Start putting your family's wishes and needs first, not your selfish parents'.

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 04/01/2018 14:51

Your opening post is one you need to read back to yourself _
"I understand I need to accommodate my parents"
Why??
I have never ever had any adults sleepover at my house!! (except adult dc!)
You need to start enjoying your life /dh /dc. Your lives aren't an extension of your dps lives!! Find them a B&B close by they can sit and do naff all in, have them over for a few meals and leave them to their own thing - while you get on with yours!!
Primark do big girls pants, may I suggest you go buy some?!

Santasbigredbobblehat · 04/01/2018 14:52

I’d have lost my tiny mind over this.

What can they do though, if you say no? Be annoyed? So what. Think of your children sitting around a stuffy house watching their grandparents sit on a sofa. So dull for them.

BashStreetKid · 04/01/2018 14:55

Your husband is absolutely right, you should be ready and prepared to tell your parents that coming during the holidays is not convenient, and be prepared to put your foot down about that. The fact that they're old doesn't mean that your convenience goes out of the window; it's not as if you'er preventing them from visiting, just asking them to visit at a different time.

I'd suggest you get in ahead of them now and tell them that if they were thinking of coming during the Easter holidays, it just isn't going to be possible - if you feel you need to give them a reason, just say you have a number of commitments, are planning to take the children out, the older ones have to prepare for exams etc etc. Ask them if there are any other dates they would like to come, otherwise it will have to wait, probably till after the summer term exams.

billybagpuss · 04/01/2018 14:55

I think you do need to be proactive along those lines and booking to go away during half terms are a great start. Can you also maybe pop over and see them at some point, maybe get an airbnb to show the DC's where you grew up.?

RideOn · 04/01/2018 14:57

I’d love my parents to stay with us for a full week but they only stay 2-3 nights max despite having a long travel. —I know this is unhelpful— they are well, I ring them weekly but hardly ever get a call, letter, email

Sometimes I wonder if they just don’t like me, what do you do then?

Anyway I think you have to be firmer on dates and go out anyway when they are there.

Wouldn’t it be great if both our parents could do something in between what yours and mine do.

MonumentalAlabaster · 04/01/2018 14:59

It's my fault for moving away

I think you are easily manipulated by them OP because you feel guilty. I think the concept of "fault" is inappropriate here - no doubt you moved away for work or other reasons to live the life you want to have and as your parents they should be happy for you to do that. So don't allow a sense of underlying guilt to make you feel obligated to have them whenever they want to come, regardless of your own convenience.

BewareOfDragons · 04/01/2018 15:00

I understand I need to accommodate my parents...

Um, no you don't.

You've let them walk all over you for years for some reason. It is going to get ugly to force a change but you're going to have to get ugly and just do it.

Yes, you moved away. Why? BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ADULT AND YOU'RE ALLOWED TO LIVE WHERE YOU WANT! Sorry for shouting, but honestly, you don't have to do penance for the rest of your life and do everything your parents want because you gasp grew up and moved away. Who does that?!?

Just tell them NO. That doesn't work for us. This is what works for us. And lay it out for them.

It is your home, your family, your life, and you're not getting to enjoy ANY of it because your parents still run your life. And you're letting them. Frankly, I'm surprised your DH hasn't put his foot down with you over this.

Decide what you want, what you can live with, and offer not more than that. Yes, expect blow back, but refuse to engage each and every time they start up by telling them it's not open to discussion and put the phone down.

Hopeful103 · 04/01/2018 15:01

They honestly sound highly irritating and think of you as a child.
Your db and his wife don't tolerate this so they know not to try it with them. So why do they do it to you.
I can't imagine how you put up with this for so long. More So, your dh is a very good man to not have made more of an issue of it.
You need to be clear and blunt as subtlety doesn't work with them. 'We cant have you over at x time but can only do x time.'
No explanation just telling them how it will work.

Original poster
Rottenholiday · 04/01/2018 15:03

Some of your words are harsh but I actually need to hear them. The situation has become ridiculous. It was all right when the kids were little but now we just don't have the space. We have busy lives and deserve to kick back and please ourselves in the holidays.
My dm has a significant birthday in February. Dh and I had discussed doing something to celebrate it. However I now see this will become an excuse for them to come for February half term. We also hosted dad's milestone birthday two years ago so I think db can offer this time. I will happily say 'no it's not convenient' if they ask to come down and also in the Easter holidays.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rottenholiday · 04/01/2018 15:05

Hopeful103 you are spot on about db and SIL. It's almost like you've met them!

OP posts:
AuntLydia · 04/01/2018 15:08

You sound a bit peeved with your brother but I think he's the one who's got it right and you should take a leaf out of his book! Your parents are massively taking the piss and ruining school holidays for your kids - who are you going to prioritise, them or your kids?!

Cavender · 04/01/2018 15:10

You are being a doormat.

We moved all the way to the USA and don’t feel guilt.

We politely tell people if their dates don’t work for us.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread