About parents' visits

[Rottenholiday]

I would like the advice of MNers about my parents visits, following another (disastrous) visit over Christmas. (This may be long and windy) Basically my parents just assume that they can come at every school holiday and it's getting very wearing. I have three dcs aged 8,14
and 17 so this has been going on a long time.
I live about 6 hours drive from my dps while my db lives about 5 hours from them. He has two dcs, aged 4 and 8. He never invites them for a long stay and they will only visit him for a night or two on the way back or forth from my house. However almost every school holiday, they will just assume they are coming down to me and I get told. For the Xmas holidays, I was TOLD they were coming on the 18th and leaving on the 30th. This was before the dcs had even broken up for Xmas and I really wanted a couple of days to get the house straight and get last minute bits, but no. I also would have like a couple of days to do some Christmas things but that wasn't possible. Previous to this visit, they'd come for the first week of the summer holidays, one week of the Easter holidays and February half term.
We have a 4 bedroom house but I now have two strapping teenage boys and when everyone is at home during holidays, it's very squashed. (Db also has a 4 bedroom house and has two dcs but his is apparently too small to have them). I'm also basically cooking every day for six adults. Added to that, my dm is in poor health and can't go anywhere so I can't take the kids (or rather the youngest dc) on days out as I'd be leaving my dps sitting on their own all day. Added to this that my dps are getting old and grumpy and it doesn't make for a lovely atmosphere.

I understand I need to accommodate my parents but AIBU that I should say when their visits are, not be dictated to? I really would rather they came during term time. We've wasted the last few half terms sitting around the house as dm can't go anywhere. I tried to be proactive last year by inviting them for Mother's Day weekend. Df said 'no we'd rather come during the kids' school holidays.' Dh said at this point I should have said 'that's not convenient' but I feel I'm being rude and selfish doing that. Dh is now saying he wants to go abroad next Xmas as he's fed up always hosting my parents when my db has never invited them.
(Incidentally dh is able to handle his own dps by using his work schedule as an excuse so he makes sure they come when it suits us)
I'm torn because I understand they're old and it's my fault for moving away. However I also feel holidays, which are a time to relax and spend quality time with the dcs, are being spoiled for dh and me. How do I handle my dps?

My childhood was as you describe OP.

Every holiday my maternal GP's would pitch up and stay for as long as possible.

I'll be honest, as a young child I loved it.

However, as I got older (and more independent) I really started to resent every holiday being dominated by their presence.

As much as I loved them, as they grew older it became increasingly difficult to not feel frustrated by how their needs stifled any activity my DP's and I might have wanted to do, or my feelings of guilt going out with friends etc as my GP's were visiting.

All that said, it was nothing compared to the strain it put on my (full time working) DM who had to use her holiday to cater for them.

I'm sure there was a trade off when I was little in terms of childcare, but later on it was akin to being a full time care assistant with GP's expecting every whim to be fulfilled - tea on demand, their programs on the TV, only the food they liked, trips out to places they wanted to go etc etc.

It drove my DF round the bend and his response was to absent himself as much as possible when they were there after his attempts to persuade DM she needed to limit these visits in both frequency and duration failed repeatedly.

So from my POV I also lost out on time with my DF.

My DM was an only child and I'm sure this was a major factor. She felt guilty that they had nowhere else to visit and my GP's played heavily on this.

She's admitted since that she wishes she'd never got into the "pattern" they did - one she was resentful of and did impact her feelings towards her parents.

The situation resolved itself when my GP's died within a few months of each other. I was 15 at the time.

I was sad at their passing but I can also say the following Christmas holiday with my DP's was the best I'd ever remembered. Totally relaxed, happy, eating food we liked, doing activities we wanted and my DM not being run ragged after hosting for 2 weeks (being expected to cook a full English breakfast every day, lunch and "proper" dinner).

Sorry for the long post, but what I'm trying to say is that the ripples do move fast and far from an issue like this. Your children might not say anything (I didn't) but don't assume they are happy with how things are and it would be sad if the resolution to the issue was the same as occurred in my family.

Allthebest you may be on to something there. He's actually doing BTech Level 3 but neither set of parents have a clue about the difference. Ds2 is in year 11 next year so I can make good use of that. You're a star! Of course both sets of parents think they don't get in the way but they really really do. Ds1 has to give up his room for example

OP I hope you have managed to get away on some good holidays while your children were small. You say this visitation has been going on for a while.

We used to go away as a family every May half term and every October half term, not abroad, just camping first in a tent and then later in a caravan. This in addition to a summer holiday which may or may not have been abroad. I used to love those little breaks, there are some great memories there. I would have hated to be stuck at home playing reluctant host. I hope you don't regret it and am glad you are making a change now.

Hey Funny you should say that as we were watching the snow in Florida just now and recalling our holiday to Florida five years ago. It cost a bloody fortune but we've got great memories from it.
Thanks MNers for letting me moan and making me determined to say No! You've given me some good ideas.

OP, I agree with all the others, it is time to change. I’m concerned that your DM is pretending everything is all right with her health issues. You could raise this as a matter of safety at your home and that you feel long stays are not working now. Say you will visit the DP’S at their home more often. I would talk to your DF and see if there is anything in the way of help you can both get her, whether she agrees or not. Then if she gets assistance, and walking aids, whatever she needs, you say you’ll consider her staying at your home for very short holidays, on your terms and she doesn’t dictate when.

Your DC need their school holidays back, to have active days out, play sport, and have holidays. Your DP’S need to accept that I’m afraid.

I've played hostess dozens of times and never had a bunch of flowers or box of biscuits to say thanks.

^ bloody tell them this!!

Girly I'm concerned too and I'm actually concerned about their home situation too. We've actually been asking them for years to move beside us. We have barely any close family living in our home town. We could watch over them better.

Living closer could be a blessing or a curse, OP. My DH and I have been discussing this regarding my MIL - she's been staying with us for the last two weeks, which has been a big strain as she can be quite difficult, and obviously if she lived close by she wouldn't need to do that. On the other hand, I find her a little controlling on her visits, if she was here more often I think that would get worse. She tends to be a little too hands-on with my DD for my preference (deciding when snack time should be and giving her things I wouldn't just before dinner time to try and curry favour with her, just tiny things like that)