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AIBU?

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Original poster

About parents' visits

58 replies

Rottenholiday · 04/01/2018 11:39

I would like the advice of MNers about my parents visits, following another (disastrous) visit over Christmas. (This may be long and windy) Basically my parents just assume that they can come at every school holiday and it's getting very wearing. I have three dcs aged 8,14
and 17 so this has been going on a long time.
I live about 6 hours drive from my dps while my db lives about 5 hours from them. He has two dcs, aged 4 and 8. He never invites them for a long stay and they will only visit him for a night or two on the way back or forth from my house. However almost every school holiday, they will just assume they are coming down to me and I get told. For the Xmas holidays, I was TOLD they were coming on the 18th and leaving on the 30th. This was before the dcs had even broken up for Xmas and I really wanted a couple of days to get the house straight and get last minute bits, but no. I also would have like a couple of days to do some Christmas things but that wasn't possible. Previous to this visit, they'd come for the first week of the summer holidays, one week of the Easter holidays and February half term.
We have a 4 bedroom house but I now have two strapping teenage boys and when everyone is at home during holidays, it's very squashed. (Db also has a 4 bedroom house and has two dcs but his is apparently too small to have them). I'm also basically cooking every day for six adults. Added to that, my dm is in poor health and can't go anywhere so I can't take the kids (or rather the youngest dc) on days out as I'd be leaving my dps sitting on their own all day. Added to this that my dps are getting old and grumpy and it doesn't make for a lovely atmosphere.

I understand I need to accommodate my parents but AIBU that I should say when their visits are, not be dictated to? I really would rather they came during term time. We've wasted the last few half terms sitting around the house as dm can't go anywhere. I tried to be proactive last year by inviting them for Mother's Day weekend. Df said 'no we'd rather come during the kids' school holidays.' Dh said at this point I should have said 'that's not convenient' but I feel I'm being rude and selfish doing that. Dh is now saying he wants to go abroad next Xmas as he's fed up always hosting my parents when my db has never invited them.
(Incidentally dh is able to handle his own dps by using his work schedule as an excuse so he makes sure they come when it suits us)
I'm torn because I understand they're old and it's my fault for moving away. However I also feel holidays, which are a time to relax and spend quality time with the dcs, are being spoiled for dh and me. How do I handle my dps?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/01/2018 15:15

It appears to me you have been brought up in the belief that even as an adult, there is a hierarchy between you and your parents. This is not true. You are all adults and equals. As parents we should bring our children up to be independent. Part of this is allowing our adult children to make adult choices, which are best for them and not us.

An adult child should want to be or not want to be with their parents as a choice and not an obligation. Up til now you are also teaching your children that you as parents come first when they are adults. I’m glad you are finding the courage to stand up to them.

Loonoonow · 04/01/2018 15:22

Contact them now and say 'it was lovely to see you for Christmas particularly as we have decided to do things differently next year. Now the DC are older we have decided to change things around and we will be doing X X X and X next year instead of your normal long visit. You are welcome to come to us for X X or X instead but I will understand if you would rather spend it with DB or make other arrangements '.

There may well be repercussions but just stick to your guns. You don't have to argue or debate your choices with them. Just repeat 'Now the DC are growing up we have decided to do things differently''

Cantuccit · 04/01/2018 15:23

You're not selfish.

You're not rude.

It's not your fault for moving away.

You don't have to accommodate them.

I wish you'd posted years ago, can't believe this has been happening so long. They've done a number on you.

StylishMummy · 04/01/2018 15:24

Absolutely be proactive and start laying down the groundwork now, set the expectations early on

Mxyzptlk · 04/01/2018 15:31

We also hosted dad's milestone birthday two years ago so I think db can offer this time.

Maybe suggest it to db?

Up til now you are also teaching your children that you as parents come first when they are adults.

But they might decide to do things differently.

Booboobooboo84 · 04/01/2018 15:37

‘Oh no that doesn’t work for us’ is your mantra. And as they are very very stuck in this belief that they dictate things I would say for the next couple of years that any dates they state are met with that response and a different option. Ie. Christmas 2018- we will arrive on the 17th. Sorry we already have too much booked in we can’t host until the 23rd. And repeat as necessary. Even if the dates actually do work I would alter slightly to prevent them thinking they can dictate again.

Original poster
Rottenholiday · 04/01/2018 16:44

I know people will often come onto MN and have a moan and promise that things will change but you know they won't really change anything. I really mean it however when I say things have got to change.
This holiday has been diabolical. We had a lovely Christmas Day but everything else was shit. The lowest moment was when my dm fell during the night and dad started shouting at her about why didn't she ask for help and she still insisted she could get herself up, so dad kept shouting 'for chrissake woman.' Of course the whole house got woken up and my dcs were upset. I just can't have a scene like that again. Dm refuses to accept help or accept she's getting old and df gets angry at her.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/01/2018 16:50

Are your parents short of cash? Is that why they stay with you? No bills...

Original poster
Rottenholiday · 04/01/2018 16:54

God definitely not Nanny. They're well off and extremely generous. The penny has dropped for me after all these years that they are just clingy particularly my dm.

OP posts:
FadedRed · 04/01/2018 17:02

Another way to 'break the pattern' would be for you go go to them occasionally. Just you if the others don't want to. Stay in hotel nearby if necessary, stay a couple of days and then go home.

5foot5 · 04/01/2018 17:03

Seriously? You're depriving your DC so you can pander to two selfish adults?

It's hard though Mxyzptlk. We have been in a similar situation with DPIL.

Old people very often do seem selfish, but I think this is due to their increasing preoccupation with their own health problems and limitations and the fact that their world is shrinking.

When DPIL were younger they would often have DD to stay in the school holidays or they would come to ours to look after her, so there is this guilty feeling that we were happy to accept their help when they could give it but then begrudge having them when they are now frail. Which is not really true but these days we only have PIL to stay for a few days at Christmas and Easter, the rest of the time we drive over to visit them for the day. TBH because they no longer drive far and have more and more difficulty with stairs then this change has happened naturally.

Until 5 or 6 years ago we would often go on holiday with them for a fortnight in the summer. This was fine for all parties - I have always got on well with them and we had similar interests. However, the last time this happened DH and I agreed afterwards that it really wasn't working anymore. The holiday really revolved all around them and what they could and couldn't manage, what they liked or disliked. We spent most of it shepherding them around and tailoring all activities for them. Which is bad enough when it is our main annual holiday but at that time DD was a teenager and we felt it really unfair on her that she was basically getting rather a dull time. (Although she was amazingly tolerant and never complained herself)

OP I can only re-iterate what others have said, set your boundaries and stick to them. And definitely book a Christmas away next year but give everyone plenty of notice so they can adjust to the idea and plan accordingly. But don't tell your DB what you intend to do until it is all done and booked and you can present a fait accomplit in case they anticipate that they will need to step up themselves and get in before you!

Original poster
Rottenholiday · 04/01/2018 17:07

I agree I am going to have to visit them more often and may have to do this on my own sometimes.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/01/2018 17:33

Mxyzp
Of course they may do it differently. Let’s hope they do. Op certainly intends to. I don’t understand why you picked that point up in my post.

Lunde · 04/01/2018 17:52

You are going to need to wean them off the idea that you are always going to host them every holiday

Perhaps you should start by booking some short breaks in the holidays so that when they call you are going away!

Or perhaps visit them for one of the weekends at half term - 2 days - so you have the rest of the time for yourself

Mxyzptlk · 04/01/2018 17:54

My point (not clearly made) is that if the OP's DC think that as ACs they will be expected to pander to their parents, it may lead to them not having a good relationship with those parents.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/01/2018 17:56

Ok well I agree there then. That also what I was thinking on posting as well.

eastlondoner · 04/01/2018 18:03

I think your DH is absolutely right. They are only doing this because you let them.

Pearlsaringer · 04/01/2018 18:06

I can understand after this length of time that it’s difficult to tackle. You need to break the pattern - no time like the present. If you can afford it, book yourselves a family holiday, then present it as a fait accompli. Then refuse any guests in the weeks running up to it as you are “much too busy getting ready for it”. And no, they cannot housesit while you are away. Reclaim your home.

Give you DH this holiday, he is a saint for putting up with them for so long!

Original poster
Rottenholiday · 04/01/2018 18:48

Ironically my dps weren't that close to my dgms when I was growing up. The one time we ever took dgm on holiday, dm had a massive row with her. I always wanted to spend more time with my dgms so I made an effort with my dps and ILs. My new year resolution for 2018 is definitely to knock that on the head. I've played hostess dozens of times and never had a bunch of flowers or box of biscuits to say thanks. I'm actually sitting with the flu just now and think I'm just run down after having ILs for two weeks in November, dps for almost two weeks in December and a major leak in between (did I mention dps showed up knowing there was no working bathroom? It wasn't finished until December 22nd) I'm sitting on the sofa festering GrinGrin.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 04/01/2018 18:59

Big girl pants time. You need to practice saying 'no' to them.

marypoppinsagain · 04/01/2018 19:01

I think it's really hard. I would never feel I could say to my dm not to come for Christmas but I agree it's bloody hard work!

Personally I would make excuses instead of being bluntly honest! I would blame your older children. I would say they're having friends to stay/ sporting fixtures etc etc so wouldn't be relaxing etc but you've cleared x weekend so they can have a nice time etc.

Can you talk to Db about it?

There will come a time - possibly not far away - where they might not be able to travel/stay long so it might work itself out.

fellipejuan · 04/01/2018 19:11

I've had similar and I'm just really blunt about not having them from more than say 3 nights. If they live 6 hours drive each away I think 4 nights stay should give them time to recover. And that's probably being more generous than you'd like!

Coming to visit you without a working bathroom is ... well ... insane!

Be prepared for a backlash. Keep talking and being lovely to them. Just stuck to your guns!

Discuss with your brother. Keep him in the picture.

And get well soon! Enjoy Christmas 2018 somewhere hot and lovely. Smile

HeyhoIndigo · 04/01/2018 19:31

Your 17 year old will soon be doing his/her own thing anyway and the 14 year old to follow in a couple of years. They can still see grandparents but they will naturally have less to do with them as time goes on.

I can imagine how this has spoiled school holidays for you OP and YANBU.

You should definitely go away next Christmas. Also maybe book a short break in other hols/half terms. Just say No. Also stick to your guns about DM's significant birthday. It's not your turn.

Pearlsaringer · 04/01/2018 19:35

Sorry, OP, you are also a saint for having ILs for two weeks in November! Wine

Allthebestnamesareused · 04/01/2018 19:43

Surely your 17 year old will have a level exams after Easter holidays so that will not be convenient

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