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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inappropriate driving instructor?

102 replies

WatercolourFlower · 04/01/2018 10:41

Hello, I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, however I just wanted your opinions over whether my driving instructor was being inappropriate.
I've jut come back from a lesson, and he kept on telling me he needed to find something in the back pouch of the drivers seat. He then proceeded to push and prod my back and feel my bum through the seat, if you get what I mean? It made me feel a bit uncomfortable.

I have many other instances, one that also happened today is I drove past an Ocado van that was sitting in a lay by. My instructor proceeded to say "what a lazy so and so, he should be delivering....he's probably masturbating right now." The comment was really weird and odd?
I can think of many more instances, including when he showed me a "jokey" video that alluded to oral sex, that really made me feel uneasy!

Am I being unreasonably sensitive, or do you think his behaviour is odd as well?

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 04/01/2018 13:24

Urgh. Definitely write down all the inappropriate remarks and behaviour. A list of 'examples include:' may be easier to write and read than a detailed account. Put it in a complaint to the regulating authority.

I think that part of the modus operandi of men like this is the expectation that you'll be too embarrassed to repeat their words or describe their behaviour. Because you're nice and polite. And because other people may find it trivial, funny, or enjoy hearing you 'talk dirty'. In this way they prey upon your youthful niceness directly and indirectly - through implicit collusion with a 'wider society' of people who may reinforce your role as 'prey'. Yeuch.

Snowman41 · 04/01/2018 13:29

cheeky there is no reason why she should ever feel that it's her sole responsibility to do this. Not ever.

Scribblegirl · 04/01/2018 13:29

Hallouminati that's so weird, I was going to ask if OP was in Bristol too as sounds scarily like my old driving instructor there...

bobstersmum · 04/01/2018 13:31

Weirdo!

BornInALighthouse · 04/01/2018 13:46

Tell mum and switch. I've a good friend who's an instructor and the amount of new (to him) pupils he's got who have had this is shocking.

hipposinacircle · 04/01/2018 14:57

I also had a driving instructor who was creepy and inappropriate like this. I had about 15-20 lessons with him before I decided enough and found a new instructor who encouraged me to book my test fairly soon after starting with him. I believe now that the weirdo would have dragged it out for as long as he could get away with.
Definitely don't bother continuing with him, even if you still have lessons booked, he'll never let you get to test stage.

HildaZelda · 04/01/2018 15:13

Oh OP, I really feel for you right now. When I was about 18 (almost 20 years ago now) I was getting driving lessons from a guy who sounds exactly like this.

After what I now realise was 'grooming' (lots of sexual/ inappropriate comments etc) he told me that he was training another instructor and wanted to take me out with him one evening. Of course there was no other instructor (God I was so bloody naive not to realise this) and he tried it on with me physically (started rubbing my arm, holding my hand, asking for a kiss) I was absolutely terrified and just kept telling him NO. I was just very lucky that it didn't go any further and he drove me home. I was due a lesson a few days later and he just cancelled and next thing I heard he had left the area and I never heard anything about him again.

I was too scared to tell my parents ( we didn't/don't have a good relationship as they were physically and mentally abusive) as they would probably have blamed me, told me something like it was obviously my fault and that I was 'asking for it', so basically he got away with it.
Looking back now I'm sure that I'm not the only girl he did this too but we were probably all too scared of him, physically he was a big man too, so chances are no one ever reported him.
Please please OP, tell your Mum and please report him. In doing so you might save someone else.
I'm really sorry that this has happened to you and I hope you'e okay.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/01/2018 15:52

Watercolour. I'm so sorry, it does feel grot when you don't pass.

If its any consolation it took me 3 goes and I am a better driver because of it. I know tonnes of people who've taken more than 2 tests - they are getting harder, and you were hardly in ideal circumstances to learn or feel confident about your driving.

Please dont feel guilty about the cost of lessons or not passing. Getting a driver's licence is an investment and if you are able to drive yourself you will be making yourself a lot safer when it comes to getting home late.

Please separate all these worries from the key issue which is that this driving instructor is creepy and inappropriate. This is NOT your fault in anyway. He has taken advantage of a young person's lack of experience - as people like him so often do.

As you didn't pass, it gives your mum a good excuse to get money back from block lessons (and how is he justifying charging block payments beyond a test date anyway?) and for her to say you don't know when you'll be home again and so can't continue lessons.

Just get rid of him and then you and your mum can discuss how and when to report him, because I think he does sound very iffy.
Best of luck xxx

TheHallouminati · 04/01/2018 15:57

scribblegirl Interesting. Is his first name associated with an warlike historical person? Does he have a beard and is quite short, mid 40s?

Scribblegirl · 04/01/2018 16:07

Ah, Hallouminati they're everywhere - mine was older than that when I was learning with him and that was in 2008, not the same guy. Sadly all too common it seems Sad

Glittermakeseverythingbetter · 04/01/2018 16:29

Same happened to me about 20 plus years ago. He spent half the lesson telling me his life history, then stopped the lesson at the normal time, so I was basically paying for him to sit there talking to me, and was too meek at the time to just start the engine and get going. He also used to get me to pick up the next student in the car and have them drive me home. He told me I had beautiful eyes. One of the worst things he did was when I was actually driving along the road, he decided I was not sitting far forward enough and he reached down between my legs while I was driving to pull the seat forward! He also offered to take topless photos of me.
He worked alone so I didn't have anyone to report him to. When I finished my block I obviously got someone else.

Original poster
WatercolourFlower · 04/01/2018 17:14

Than you for all your replies, you've encouraged me to speak out!
I've told my mum, and she agrees that I will change instructors, and couldn't believe I hadn't told her before.

Luckily our neighbours have a daughter who has just passed...think I will pop around and the name of her instructor!

OP posts:
HildaZelda · 04/01/2018 17:18

@WatercolourFlower, I'm really glad to hear you told your Mum and that she was supportive. I hope you feel a bit better having told her. I wish I'd spoken to someone when it happened to me but I was too scared.
Just remember, this is NOT your fault and you did NOTHING wrong.

catwoozle · 04/01/2018 17:26

Nice one, OP. Glad your mum fully supports you.

My driving instructor when I was 17 was full of "banter" but when I think of it now, a lot of it was really inappropriate, given he was twice my age too and married. I have no doubt that if I had at all responded positively he'd have taken it further but I just laughed it off and rebuffed him gently.

OnTheRise · 04/01/2018 20:07

OP, I'm so glad your mum supports you.

I would still speak to the police, if you can bear to. He's such a creep.

froginapond · 04/01/2018 20:10

@Watercolourflowers

That is gross OP.

You poor thing, having to tolerate this shit.

What a vile man.

Cancel your lessons and report him to his superiors.

Are you young? (Like under 25,) and living with your folks?

If so, then tell them. Parents are brilliant at dealing with cunts like this.

Don't ever ever ever take this kind of talk from anyone hun. You don't have to. Just don't. Flowers

froginapond · 04/01/2018 20:12

Oooops read your update.

Glad it's being dealt with.

You need to report him to someone though.

Is he part of a driving school?

If not, there has to be somewhere you can report driving instructors.

sparemum · 04/01/2018 20:14

Your driving instructor’s behaviour
Contact DVSA if you’re not happy with your driving instructor’s behaviour.

DVSA
[email protected]

DVSA
PO BOX 280
Newcastle-Upon-Tyne
NE99 1FP

Halie · 04/01/2018 20:19

Tell your Mum.
She's paid for it and is probably more likely to stand up to him, so she needs to tell him she wants her money back or she will got to the police - it will most likely scare him shitless to lose his income/reputation so he'll give in and repay her.
Then report him to the police and report him to all of the driving instructor associations if you don't know which he is part of. Contact details for them are here: www.gov.uk/government/publications/driving-instructor-associations-and-organisations/driving-instructor-associations-and-organisations

He is a total creep and he assaulted you.

BerylStreep · 04/01/2018 20:21

I think you need to demand your money back. Tell him (or get your Mum to do it if you don't want to confront him) that you are cancelling the block of lessons because of his sexually inappropriate behaviour and that you want a refund. If he refuses, tell him you will be reporting him to Trading Standards, and the DVA.

Original poster
WatercolourFlower · 04/01/2018 20:57

Thank you for all the details on how to report him, you've all been really helpful. I will definitely go through the process tomorrow morning.

Yes my Mum was horrified I had been keeping this info to myself, thank you for all your advice. Some of your stories have made me wake up and realise how far this could've gone.

OP posts:
readyforapummelling · 04/01/2018 21:16

Oh my god he sounds like my ex instructor. He rolled his pants up once and placed his scrawny knee next to the gear stick so I would grab his leg instead.

Another occasion he said "right, pull into the dead end, get to the bottom and remove all your clothes".

"Oh my god look at that mutt there, I only look at girls that look like you" - this was the final straw and I pulled over and told him to fuck off.

He was about 65 too Confused

readyforapummelling · 04/01/2018 21:17

And I had just turned 17. Dirty fucker.

Glad you've ditched him.

Reflexella · 04/01/2018 21:48

Ewww I had a rotten DI once too I remember him leaning across my chest to point at the drivers window and was pushing his arm onto my chest. I remember gripping the steering wheel & locking my elbows to stop his arm from touching me. I was 17 he was 3x that a v least.

I got a lovely lady instructor after.

Glad you told your mum. X

slashlover · 04/01/2018 22:26

You have to feel comfortable with a driving instructor. This man is causing you stress which is not going to make learning any easier.